Cowbell Ghoul Will Rise Again

Her Tale of Shim Chong is my current GL favourite!! It's set in the Joseon Dynasty in Korea between a beggar and the bride of a chancellor. Beautiful art, beautiful writing. It's completed with 87 chapters. Huuuge recommend.

I Want to Love You Till Your Dying Day is about an orphanage where girls are raised as weapons for war. I am yet to finish this, but I've read over half of it so far, and I've really liked it. It's completed with 38~ chapters.

Girls x Vampire, the title is self-explanatory. The... story itself doesn't much click with me, actually? But I always excitedly read every update because I REALLY enjoy the art, as well as the vampire's fun personality, which I think is still a worthy experience on my part. It's ongoing with 29 chapters so far.

Their parents are leftists, open minded, pro LGBTQ+, learned to use the right pronouns (to their face at least) all that jazz.

Their Auntie grew up in a remote area, little old fashioned, doesn't really "get" the non binary thing, and hasn't quite got the hang of the singular 'they' yet. But she tries.

When my cousin got injured and couldn't drive their parents shrugged and told them to quit their job.

Their Auntie drove them to and from work every day until they got their cast off.

Which family member do you think they'll ask next time they need help?

I was homeless. I was homeless as a child and as an adult. That shit sucks believe it or not.

The uncertainty. The ever-present grimy feeling from lack of access to running water. Having nothing to your name. The shame you feel is asking your fellow man for the bare minimum. Just so much shame, man.

"Unhoused" is so clinical. A technical term. Sure, its not incorrect, but it doesn't properly convey the emotional and psychological impact homelessness has on you.

You say "house", I think of a structure.

I have been given new and important information on the distinction between “homeless” and “unhoused”!

The term “unhoused” is useful for those in social work when they have to make the distinction between someone who is say, couchsurfing but still has a roof over their head, and someone who’s sleeping in a tent beneath an underpass. Both are homeless, but one is unhoused.

AND NOW WE KNOW!

this is the funniest phono-semantic loanword ive seen

And it's that thing where you mentally place yourself as the second, auxiliary party to someone else that you consider to be "In Charge" of whatever space or occupation or responsibility you are assigned to

And when you are IN that mindset, it *feels* like you're being responsible. It *feels* like you're being respectful, and helpful, and contributing to the load.

But what you don't SEE- because it *feels* like deference- is that the other person who you're seeing as The Authority you report to- by being assigned that role, has also been assigned the invisible load of BEING YOUR MANAGER.

This is by FAR most commonly seen in husband-and-wife relationships, where the man says, "just tell me what I can do to HELP- you don't have to do it all by yourself, but it's like you won't even tell me when you NEED help. You just do everything and then get mad at me for not doing it first. I can help clean. I can help with the kids. I can help"

But I also see it- and am guilty myself of doing it- at work, at school, in public- that mental, "this is THEIR space, and i will be respectful and helpful to THEM"- without realizing that subservience in this manner isn't actually a good thing. That it actually shifts the burden of responsibility to the other person. That aspect was totally invisible to me.

I didn't understand that when I was told, "if you see something that needs to be done, just DO it", or, "take the initiative", what they ACTUALLY meant was, "I am not above you", or "you have equal say in what kind of environment you want to live or work in", or "I do not want full control over what happens here, I do not want to order you around, I do not want to be in charge, what I WANT is to co-command WITH you"

Being in The Assigned Authority position NOW, that is all so much clearer.

I am the senior member of my team at work, and now, every time I train a newbie, every time I finish catching them up to speed and giving them a list of everything that needs to be done, my next big hurdle seems to always be, "now take pride in the space when I'm not around". "Now don't assume I'll tell you when something is due or what orders to plan things in".

Now, having been on both sides of the struggle, I can appreciate the sticking points here

TO THE PERSON "IN CHARGE": The person deferring to you doesn't understand the invisible labor you're doing. They genuinely believe you know more, you WANT more, you see things they don't, and that they are being respectful and good by staying out of your way and waiting on your orders. THAT is the bit that's not clicking.

TO THE PERSON "WANTING TO HELP": "Help" implies that you are providing assistance to a problem that belongs to somebody else. Stop thinking like that. Understand that the problem belongs to BOTH of you equally, and consider what kind of shared space you BOTH want. What is your SHARED GOAL? Not THEIR goal, but a goal that belongs to you too. Own your space.

This is not a Commander-Lieutenant problem. This is a Partnership problem.

I have a fun mental cocktail that contributes to it, but the end of the line is that If A Mess Does Not Physically Endanger Anyone, I Will Not Notice It For Days.

This OBVIOUSLY causes irritation for people who are, say- NOT ME- and comes back to bite me in the ass only AFTER they lose their temper or clean up after me like a nanny and I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and weirdly violated. THEN the atmosphere gets super tense and we will slowly start avoiding each other, because *I* feel like they hate me and my presence and nothing I do will ever be good enough, and *they* see me as an inconsiderate slob.

So- if it's something I don't SEE because I don't CARE- I gotta find a way to care.

And what works best for me to MAKE myself care is to think, "okay, so *I don't care* if there are half-empty cups of water all over, and it's not immediately dangerous, but it's important to THEM, and do I really want to live somewhere that feels like a minefield? Do I WANT to live with someone who is always upset with me? Or do I WANT to live with someone who is happy and comfortable and enjoys being here as much as I do, where we can come and go without worying about setting each other off?"

What I've learned is: Live and work with people who have the same goal as you. Discuss the goal. If the goal is, "low stress environment where we don't hate each other", then it's not a matter of, "do I care about dirty cups". You don't HAVE to care about dirty cups. You only have to care about not making you hate each other

Now I'm not looking directly through an invisible pile of whatever. NOW I'm looking at, "oh shit that's a pile of Make-Roommate-Stressed, and I don't want that for myself"