It's Unpublic

It's the week between Christmas and New Years and this is the first time I've felt the liminal space between two years. Even if the date is a manmade creation, I feel the changes and shifts this year.

It's been a big year, a really big year for me. One I didn't realize how much was shifting until now I'm sitting here reviewing the changes of my life since January of 2025.

Who I am, who I've become, who I've left behind, where I've moved to, what situations in my life have changed, which people by my side have changed. This wasn't just an ordinary year's change, it was the deep excavation and the culmination of shedding of who I've been the last 9 years.

Since I moved to Austin in 2017, that version of me has dissolved. The feeling of dissolution of the years has been turbulent to say the least. One major traumatic event after another, leading me to embrace, learn, and change. Building me stronger, forcing me to let go, adjusting the way I think, it was all the years in the making of who I am today.

Now, sitting here on the couch in my Maryland house, my safe haven, on the week between Christmas and New Year, I look back and realize how much I've grown. How much I've lost and how much I've gained. The person I am today isn't a product of ease, it is a product of resilience, deep introspection and courage. I am proud of who I am today, and I am ready to start the new year anew. Refreshed. Recharged and Reimagined.

2026 won't be another sad year. It'll be my Bloom year. May all the great things, the joyful things, the best and luckiest things happen to me. May it be a year full of abundance, love, joy and peace. May my life flow effortlessly, and when it doesn't, I'll bend. May this be when my soul and human self collide. May they work in unison instead of against each other. May there be softness and peace in my heart by the time 2026-2027's liminal space comes.

Last year I told the moving company guy I wasn't sure where I was moving yet, but just give me a quote for both, just in case. I was deciding between east coast back in my hometown in Maryland, or west coast in California (then there was the battle of NorCal vs SoCal) where I spent a good chunk of my early adult life getting set up in my life. He looked at me and said, "it's like deciding if you want to move left or right!" Yep. I was in Austin then - literally halfway between the two.

Left of right.

That's an interesting differentiation. And truly comical but utterly how split I felt in my decision. My heart wanted one thing, my mind wanted another, and sometimes I wasn't sure which one was leading. This felt true in many other decisions in my life up until that point. I used to call it a tough battle of head versus heart.

But today I realized something new. The move left or right, east coast or west coast wasn't a matter of head versus heart, it was a matter of ego versus soul.

My ego self wanted to go to the west coast; my human desires, my external persona I wanted to fulfill yet ultimately lacked grounding, which is what I always loved about the east coast and how it made me feel.

What I didn't realize last year yet that the undercurrent behind my pull towards the east coast was my soul. My soul desired to be in Maryland where it could feel more at peace, more at ease, and more nourished.

How weird to have this epiphany just now, as Uranus just entered Gemini. These sudden realizations are happening as mentioned.

But the point is, left or right really meant picking between ego or soul.

Left = West = Ego Self

Right = East = Soul Self

Now that I am here, in Maryland, and feeling this settling feeling even as everything is still in transition - I feel grounded. I feel rooted. My soul is being nourished. This feels good. And that's how I know.

Next time I ever have a doubt on how to decide, remember this feeling. Does it feel good? Stay. Does it feel bad? Leave. Simple as that. But it only took my years to realize.

Life is for learning, guess I finally learned it. Right on time.

It's wild to see that I am actually here, finally after years of saying I needed to move out of Texas. The decision of where to go after has been the one that held me back from taking the plunge years ago. That, and the self-talk that I could make Austin work. That I tried every avenue to "be happy". I thought it was just a mental thing, a mindset shift. Everyone else around me seemed to be loving it. I had a home, my first home, decorated to me exact liking, I had friends, a well-paying enviable job - I had it all. Except the dating sucked. There was no one I could connect with, mentally, mindset wise, politically, let alone emotionally. I truly was better than everyone there. And when I say better, I mean higher. I had higher perspective to the deeper meanings in life than the superficiality they thrived on. Sure, it was fun for a few years not caring about anything else besides my own humanly being. Eat, drink, have fun and enjoy life. Isn't that what we strive for in this life? I achieved it, yet I felt so empty, this void I couldn't fill or figure out how to. This was the constant ache that kept me from thriving, from reaching fulfillment. Because what I needed was something deeper, something more rooted. Something more in touch with our Spirit and soul. Something real, not just images, superficial external possessions and reputations.

I could care less. I am truly embodying what I've always sensed but ignored to be true, or didn't want to believe. I could care less and I need something so much more meaningful. So much more purposeful. Something so different than what our modern day society promotes. I am so not those things. And all the people in my life that continue to chase those things are starting to slowly fall out of my life, and I couldn't be more okay with it.

Moving to Maryland, back to home roots, it's like I'm finding my center again. I'm finding my true self again, and am in the environment, space and energy to help me follow that path.

I love that I am here. And this is a first time in a long time I can say I truly mean that. I feel at home here and I know I chose correctly. I made the right move. Despite how hard it was to get here, my soul chose correctly.

I'm here for soul healing. I'm here for soul growth. And I'm here for soul work.

Oh my god, it's like a clearing. This time, this space, this lift. It's like a removal of all the things holding me down and holding me back. My body felt exhausted and then excited then back around and around. It's like a deep soul cleansing, this period renewed for me.

They weren't kidding when they say that when you can just let yourself be and notice what is happening in your body, you'll realize how it's like you knew all along. The human battle is fighting the mind and relying on it for answers when your body knew all along. You just had to remove the behaviors and distractions that led you astray. You just had to learn how to silence those external noises--those noises we learned to listen to. We were taught to. We were told to. It's what we grew up knowing and teaching ourselves and each other. Separating us farther away from our soul body and into the human body.

It's exhausting unlearning. It was my body detoxing. This push-pull energy for the simultaneous ending and beginning of a new cycle. It's like God cleaned me out so I could rebuild in a clean body. That's Divine, and all part of master plan.

Oh I definitely felt it these past few weeks. In cyclical precision to my natal chart with the transits. It's the only way we could "calculate" it to the best of our human knowledge this higher divine plan we came into this life to be.

So profound. It's timing. It's trusting. It's letting. It's flowing and unlearning. It's being. It's not resisting. This renewal I feel. Put my body through the ringer, confusion, intensity, deep purging, all for the greater purpose. All from the Divine. All because I leaned in and trusted my inner voice and kept going despite how tough it got because I believed it was leading me somewhere.

I am so happy right now. This is a feeling I haven't had in a long time. I forgot when the last time I expressed happiness.

I am sitting on the couch at my sister's house in San Jose, watching Jenna and Hoda Daytime News and laughing at the guest star talking about "the ick" from the show "Nobody Wants This".

I already had 2 calls this morning, first one from my Her Big Leap group for monthly Momentum calls re-invigorating the path and journey I embarked a few months ago when I threw in the towel and burned everything down to turn my life around. The second from my new Community at Mighty Networks teaching me how to build my new business and community using their AI and Community Design.

I love this. I am living my life doing what I love and enjoy and actually allowing myself to lean into it all, allowing myself to bathe in the sweetness of this life and focus on the good rather than focus on the lack and what's not working.

That in itself has been the biggest shift in my mindest. To train my brain and focus on what's good and what to celebrate, rather than continuing the conditioning and wiring from childhood of what's not good enough, what is still missing, how I am still not good enough, contributing to my lack of self worth.

I believe in myself. I am happy with myself. I am deserving of great things. I am deserving of success, abundance, love and reciprocity. And all this work this year that broke me down was just to rebuild me back in a better, more aligned way so my true talents and beautiful self can feel safe to emerge. I am amazing and I have so much ahead of me. I will figure everything out as I things come up; consistency will keep my moving forward, no more urgency and scarcity. What is meant for me will come at the right time. Yes.

Conscious: Collaborative dreaming

Subconscious: Released the dark wound, let love live.

Yup because I’m worth it.

I am this way because I have a gift. I challenge and I push because I have this intense psychic ability, and I believe in people’s best version of their self. I am this powerful and I own it. I am here to serve and give back, help others as they help me. To evolve, to grow, to ascend. My name is Dorothy and I am God’s gift. I am Dorothy, I am me and I am worth it.

To release the dark wound is to release other people’s perceptions on my keeping me in a small container. To let love in is to release that fear and let love in for myself. When I truly accept and love myself for who I am, I am in my truest power and self love. Let love in, release the energy leak of other people’s opinions of me matter to me. That was my test this weekend, with the public world and with my mother. Early this week with my sister and BIL. These were all tests to see if I was confident and strong enough to stand in my inner energy of knowing who I am and what I am capable of. To continue trusting myself in the face of energetic doubt, of energetic negativity in words and actions against me. Am I strong enough to withstand these detracting forces for me to truly stand in my power. Because truly this is my power and don’t let anyone take that away from me.

Keep going with that Horse energy – of momentum, freedom and expansive energy to achieving anything and never giving up. I have that Horse energy after I had that Cosmic Egg energy of reaching completion in my spiritual journey but knowing completion does not mean the end. As I embark on this new chapter of mine to collab with a group of individuals where we teach and learn from each other, to dream and expand our knowledge and selves in this universe, to always be on the edge of growth and to keep pushing and balancing when it can be too much, to give back to the world this gift that I came into this life with, to be of purpose in my life is to do exactly this. All the conscious and unconscious realizations colliding together to really tell me I am on the right path, for myself. As everyone’s path is different and the discovery to their true purpose is on the edge of growth. This I believe.

To keep meditation and strength training I will continue harnessing this Horse energy. To continue as I am starting now in 2, 5, 10 years and beyond, lifetime. I need this Horse energy reminder to succeed and achieve. I know this and I am mentally training for this. I need to physically train for this too. I am on the brink of greatness. I know and can see how I will be recognized for my work in the future. I already feel it and so it already exists. On a different timeline I already have all the things I am dreaming about now. Does any of this make sense? Did I go too deep or was that just enough? This fine line of balance between my Mars and Pluto/Taurus and Scorpio energy is going to be my life’s challenge and also path of growth, expansion and power.

All it takes is a spark, a flame, a gust and the whole ignited fire of who I am to blaze. And I am ready to blaze. Here I come.

Almost 3 months of being in Maryland; the place I escaped to when everything burned down for me in Austin. Or rather, I burnt it down purposefully to escape the life that kept me trapped for far too long.

It’s been a wretched 7 years in Austin and this summer I did everything I could to get myself out. I left everything behind except a packed car and my Bowie on route to Maryland where I needed a safe haven away from all the trauma and stress that was my life. I got out of dodge as fast as a could.

Now nearly 3 months later, I am sitting on my last week or less before I pack my life here and head back to Austin. And to that I felt ready after doing a mini Eat, Pray, Love of my own and completing a biz/life coaching program, and re-finding myself: my joy, my purpose, my direction. I travelled to Sweden and Denmark at the end of August, saw my friends and mom in depth, exchanged real tender moments, healed a lot of past pain, mended/mending a dear relationship with my mom, supported my people while they supported me, and just had fun! I needed it all.

It’s now time to go back and I’m struck with stress and sadness which I only realized today was me being scared. Scared of facing reality again, of going back and seeing if this new persona is able to maintain itself or if I will lose all this new positive energy and slowly be robbed of my soul again.

Remembering back some of the modules from HBL, I told myself it’s ok, used soft self compassionate words and tried to envision success to get me out of a funk. I was able to allow the feeling of scared come up and feel it in my body; even sobbing, then telling a friend how I felt. I think that was a healthy way of processing a hard feeling I used to have and didn’t know how to deal with. I used to suppress it and tell myself I was ok and bury it to keep moving forward. Today I let it come out without judgement. Own it and speak to myself gently to remind myself these things happen and it’s okay. I have courage now to face my fears and to keep walking toward it. This is serious growth and I can only hope it keeps going. Because I am on a new path. Sometimes I just need a reminder that I can do it. Even after a setback, I can still do it. Even after being scared, I can still do it.

What even all happened on this 2 weeks of PTO. I hasn’t even been 2 weeks yet and what all happened.

My life went through a complete 180 with a million different things happening at once. And I’m coming out of this feeling completely different.

Saw Jenny, had the roller coaster of ending my job, waiting for the final announcement if I would be getting severance to almost quitting, to waiting as I was at the airport, to when I landed—nothing. To getting a message that the day everything was supposed to be decided, that he was at the hospital for the birth of his child, that through a wrench in plans. Seeing Jenny was nice but I was processing all that has happened. Haven’t had a chance to even digest it all and onto the next. Dinner at Joy, ice cream and catching up. Left the next day to drive to Santa Barbara. Had a moment of up, stopping for food, chatting with Maya and meeting Elise and Aileen. I was exhausted when I arrived and badly needed a shower. Her place was so gross, I couldn’t get comfortable but it through me into old times of college years. Roomies, staying up late, drinking and dancing, going out for drinks. It was like we were young again but I was too tired to enjoy. I did enjoy our Island drinks at the first bar. The second day went to shit with Ken and breaking up over text, audio message. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I just couldn’t pretend anymore. All the shit I’ve dealt with came to a rolling stop and I threw it all away. Go away, everything and everyone that’s not valued me, everyone that’s taken advantage of me, of not giving me what I want and need. Go away, every one of you. And I’m not afraid to cut you off and throw out my fuck yous.

I’m tired of all your expectations. Of being this and being that. Of being expected to be nice, be kind, to give, to make sure everyone else is taken care of, to continuously to be considerate through all my sacrifices of me. I’m tired of this expectation, I’m not living up to it anymore and I don’t care. I don’t care anymore because I’m not getting anything out of it. Because I’m miserable doing everything for everyone for no one to give it back lest when I need it the most. I see it as it is now and maybe it took all of this to realize, me no give no more. I’m done. I really am this time. I’m done giving and not receiving. I’m done being small, and kind, and sweet and considerate. I am all of those things when I feel like I want to but never again because you expect me to. I don’t care what you think of me anymore. I’m not this person you used to know and now I’ve learned the power of No. No, I won’t join you. No, I don’t want to do that. No. No. No. I’m done giving. I’m here to receive. For me.

Then driving up to NorCal was a dave. Such a nice drive to getaway. To feel free, have alone time which is all I really wanted going into this vacation. To have open road with pretty scenery and a place to go to if someone who is excited to see me. I needed that. I loved this part of the trip and wish I had more. Hills, mountains, trees and flowers, no one knew where I was and who I was. This feeling of anonymity makes me so happy.

Had to stop to make a few calls for work, to finalize the negotiations that’s been looming overhead, to make a call to Dennis to tell him what’s up. Had to handle business that I never wanted to deal with but needed to deal with. So I could move forward. So I could cut ties with what’s holding me back bc I know deep down it was. And that’s why I needed this to happen.

Seeing Maya for our first night, dinner at the sushi place, her telling me she means the best and comes from a place of love, wants me to share things with her after realizing I never told her about Ken this whole time. But I never was going to after her judgement, her waving me off, I kept that to myself. But it was nice to have her say that to me. Crying at dinner, the best salmon sashimi, Sapporo pitcher of beer after beer. Telling her about me writing a book on this crazy work life story and life story one day, it was great.

The next day went to the gym Equinox and had some more alone time doing some physical activity I so needed. Burn off the bad energy as I continued dealing with the work negotiations. Pool time in the roof while I awaited our next work call. Ugh how i was so ruined about this whole stupid situation and just wanted it to be done.

Then I met Jason mayas new bf at dinner and boy did I not care. That was the last thing I wanted to do that weekend. Was to be expected to be this friend that was excited for her. Bc I just couldn’t muster it up. How was meeting your bf helping me in my life? How is being excited for you helping what I need right now? I didn’t care to meet him and I didn’t want to meet him. But I was asked to perform again. To pretend like I cared when I truly just kept imagining flowing back in Md away from everybody and everything and away from anyone knowing where I am and doing exactly what I need and want which was to be alone. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be alone when I was at Elise’s I said it already that I wish I could just be alone. Not entertain friends and least of all new bfs of friends. I could not give a fuck less and it showed in my interaction. I kind of felt bad but I really don’t care. I don’t care about what people think about me anymore. If I did the right thing. If I acted the right way. If that was appropriate. I don’t care what you think bc faking anything right not is just not an option. I have no fake fucks left to give about you or anyone else. Sorry not sorry.

Then there was mom. Omg I was on my way down to pick up mom for Dinna’s wedding and how was I supposed to act around mom when all she ever does is take energy from me and I have none left myself. I’m literally in a whirlwind of activities thoughts feelings decisions and things I need to do while also dealing with mom. Ugh kill me now. How increased this goddamn wedding right now where I had to be on a stage of pretending I’m okay when I’m clearly not. In front of my family. In front of Dinna. In front of friends and family friends. And MoH duties. Ugh I literally just told myself to push through. It was so busy I couldn’t and didn’t even have a moment to relax to myself. I needed it so bad but no one cared what I need. I’m here to perform. Be considerate. It’s your sisters wedding. Be considerate take care of mom. Be considerate of everyone but yourself and I just had it. I fucking flipped out at my dad and I just can’t give anymore and I just don’t care anymore. I made it through the wedding just focusing on myself doing what I need and slipping away when I could. Want there to take care of anyone else’s feelings but mine and Dinna’s. That was my only goal and to everyone else, sorry. I’m not that person for you anymore. Take care of your own goddamn self. It’s not my problem anymore.

Mom took care of me at the hotel in SJ and that felt really nice. I appreciated that so much. Maybe I should have told her. But she’d just get more annoying again any time I’m just trying to be nice. It starts something. She can never just say thanks and move on. Ugh mom you stress me out. But I did appreciate that. That was a good moment this trip. Calling with running into Micah at the airport! Such an unexpected delight to reconnect with a friend and spending time with him this weekend connecting hearts as we sat on the cruise through turbulent water, talking about out loss of joys in life. Able to share without judgement. It felt really nice. I’m so happy about Micah.

Getting upgraded to first class was nice too. And the 3 or 4 guys that took notice to me from aus to bur helping with my luggage, in sjc almost slapping my ass on the moving escalator. The airport was a happy place for me. I’ve always liked airports.

To be continued

In a daze, waking from this not sure what I dreamt about. What it meant. Then the feelings hit. The recognition of what that dream was about.

In my feels and now suddenly dreaming of what’s next to me. Feeling alive like I haven’t felt in so long. This feeling of exuberance excitement glow and steaminess. The last I felt this was when I was in the flow of life, feeling boundless and infinite. Excited for romance, love and light. Ready to embark on my next adventure in life, ready to step out away from my past. This is the feeling I had just now. Dreamy. Lovely. Filled with bright yellow light. Glow. That’s the feeling of glow and it felt so good.

Thought about getting back on bumble. The message is out into the section. Feeling ready to get back into it. Back on to it. To find my happiness. My adventure. My romance. My person. I want to glow.

It’s been real heavy lately. The sudden uproar of all the repressed tension coming up together. One piece falls, then the domino effect of next.

The full lunar eclipse last couple of days has made me feel it all. The release of things holding me back, of behaviors and patterns that keep replaying that prevent me from my potential, fulfillment and purpose

I’m letting go any one and situation that doesn’t show me what I deserve. I am walking away from feeling less, being shown less, of being treated less than what I deserve. And I’m here to get what I deserve. I’m here to do what I need to get it and leave behind any one and thing that shows me any less.

Goodbye selling myself short. Goodbye allowing others to take advantage of me. Goodbye being quiet.

I’m here. And I’m here to roar. Watch out world.

All the things turned upside down in my life the last 5 years are starting to feel right again. It’s a feeling I can’t explain but I feel it, and I’m trusting this process I’m undergoing.

What will be. What will become. I eagerly await but I am trying not to press forward, trying to let it flow. Trying to learn to let go and trust.

From my mom to my trip in Taiwan, to the changes and events that’s been occurring through this time, I know it’s all unfolding as it should. To the timing of my move, my considerations of job change, career change, to Ken and his timing re-entering, I can feel it all happening in a cosmic sense and I am just here to witness it. May it all come to fruition and one day I can look back and say “now I understand”. Because right now I know it’s transforming and redirecting me; I just can’t see the final result yet. May it be all I hoped for and more.

This weekend, everything flipped. All the months and years thinking I needed to leave. This weekend it is all starting.

I’m starting to say goodbye and it’s a surprising sweep of sad emotions. Feeling like this is actually real, I’m about to give this all up. This life I’ve struggled and pushed myself so hard to build. It’s a good life, on paper. And it’s so hard to feel the reality that this isn’t my path, it’s time to switch course.

I started on my journey of getting move estimates. Of getting career coaching. Of starting to talk about it out loud to people here. It’s all starting, and I’m hesitant to let go. Even though I know I need to. It’s actually time.

Hoping the next few months will give me the time to process this. That my next step in life is the right one. That I find my happiness and love and fulfillment on this next chapter. I can’t believe it is actually happening. But it is. I started saying goodbye already.

Oh man, what a year. What a year!

I can't believe how many weird things happened this year. How many build-ups and releases there were this year. As if things were happening in the universe for me, whether I understood it or not.

The emotional roller coasters I've been on this year, the endurance, patience tested and disappointments I've felt this year. The unexpected changes to situations in my life from work to relationships, family dynamics and life direction all bringing me to a swirling tilt.

I started therapy for the first time this year (not including 2020 during the pandemic and under different intentions). I started this year to work on myself and to figure out why I can't get my shit together. Why I couldn't get out of all the hard times, the feelings of overwhelm, of swimming below the surface of water, or struggling to keep up; let alone move forward. Why I can't make a relationship click, why I had such negative thoughts about work and Austin. Why I don't feel like myself, of understanding who that person is even anymore. Why I'm so unhappy, so unfulfilled and have become so lackluster.

Who am I. What do I want. How do I get there. How do I get myself out of this hole--all the many reasons for starting therapy this year.

This year has been a climatic year of all things building deep within me, manifesting outwards into real life explosions and reckonings of myself. The good, the bad, the ugly, I guess, the needed.

There's this inner me and outer me I needed to reconcile. To mend into one. To find my WHOLE self.

I feel like these last 3 years has been my reckoning. The complete breakdown of who I was, the lowest of the lows that lasted longer than I could have thought I could have endured. To the point I didn't even know how to think about it anymore, but just living a day at a time without knowing what it meant. How I lost the light at the end of the tunnel, how I lost direction and what I was going for, where I was headed, what I wanted anymore. To the loss of self-confidence that I could make it through, that I could find my happiness. Bc I lost what that even meant.

The end of June this year, mid-way through 2023, I remember I broke down and had thoughts of suicide. Not in the way of wanting to end my life and the gruesome ways of doing it, but having thoughts of not knowing WHY I was living anymore. Of how hard it's been and wanting to give up. I wasn't able to think of a reason to continue the struggles of life as there wasn't any joy left in me. I felt no inspiration, no hope, no purpose or meaning-- and all my life was, was a life of struggles, disappointment, heartache, pain and effort. I was struggling to continue a life of so much effort without any positive gains. I was tired. I was so damn tired to holding on. And for what.

I had gone through enough. I had beared through enough. I was strong and endured, was resilient enough. I didn't want to be anymore. I didn't want to be told that anymore. I was done. I was tired. I was over struggling. Telling me I was strong and resilient felt like a mockery, it was no longer a compliment.

I had lost all meaning to life in 2023. I was facing the utter bottom without knowing that was what I was facing. I don't ever want to be there anymore.

I don't ever want to feel such despair and hopelessness anymore. I don't ever want to lose sight of meaning in life anymore. I don't ever want to struggle without purpose anymore. I am done with that life. I want meaning, happiness, joy, inspiration and jubilee back in my life. I want to feel exhilaration again. I want to feel exultation again. I want to feel so deeply all the good and positive emotions in the world again.

That is what 2024 will look like. I'm ready for this new life. I'm ready to be done with 2020-2023 life. This is the year for me. This is the year of alignment, ease and joys. That is my intention for 2024.

I'm coming home to myself. And that's a saying I can't explain, but this feeling of slowly finding myself again. feeling myself again. feeling my old self again. remembering slowly how i used to feel.

Out of this tumbleweed of a person; I lost myself to the last 3+ years. Perhaps 6 years. It's hard to say how long this unraveling of myself began, but long enough to completely forget who I was and what I believed for myself.

It's been a sad few years. Of wasted years in my life. I, for the first time, grieve a part of my life I will never get back.

But I'm coming home to myself. I can feel it. It's a good thing. A really really good thing. To feel alive again, to feel normal again.

I guess this is the first step to knowing what to do with this going forward. This question I cannot solve; of where to go, what's next with myself. Bc I am so unhappy here. And the only thing I know so far is:

I cannot stay here (Austin)

I am coming home to myself

But where is home. This home I want, I want to come home. But I've yet to figure out where that is.

It’s finally September. A time I felt, hopefully, things will calm. The last few months were dramatic to say the least.

As I’m sitting here at my sister’s house in OC, staring out the window, listening to music on a cloudy day, I find myself get a fleeting thought that I’m starting to feel like my old self again. And then I wanted to blog. And then I wanted to scroll through tumblr. And that’s usually a sign, a very good and telling sign, that I am indeed slowly coming back to myself.

The feeling of yearning. Of wanting, of dreaming, of being inspired, of creativity flowing again. Only when in California, or abroad. I haven’t felt like this the entire time I’ve been in Texas. I haven’t been inspired. I’ve felt dead. Uninspired. Unmotivated. And most recently, stuck.

That should be a sign. A huge sign for me. Remind me this when I head back in another 2 days. Re-read this when I’m back in Texas and see if I feel it then too. Let this be a test.

But it’s so nice to finally feel like me again. How I’ve lost me. How I’ve forgotten who I was, what I liked, what made me happy, what I was doing it all for. I guess I still need to figure this last one out, but this is major headway. I need to remember this.