#struggles

I made a crochet tutorial and I wanted to make a dress and a two piece set with my tutorial as a base to kind of inspire people what they can make with it with maybe their own creative input. Bought the appropriate amount of yarn needed.

Except it’s taking much longer than I thought.

I really want to get more tutorials out, but I wanted to get these done first, but long story short they’re not gonna be dresses. Just shirts.

It’s a more practical idea but I feel so stupid. All that time wasted, all that yarn I didn’t need… But I mean with this method I’ll be done with both tops like on Monday. Then I can start my new tutorial.

So here we go:

The IQ argument still stands, it’s twice as unlikely for me to find someone as the average woman. And four times less likely for me than for a man who has my same IQ. That’s just statistics 🤷‍♀️

Vanilla partners don’t work for me. I was in a vanilla marriage for 6 years (together for 8), and it’s just not something I can do again. That cuts out a pretty big chunk of the population for compatibility.

I’m primarily a little, so primarily I want a very affectionate/nuturing dominant. A Daddy dom is my preference, but as long as there is a lot of affection, they don’t need to be a Daddy.

I also have some very intense and extreme kinks. I don’t need them all the time, but, sometimes I do. I can be an extreme masochist. So someone needs to be on good terms with their darker side.

In addition, I’m pretty strict on the ethics of the people I allow in my life. Especially in regards to kink.

I’m demisexual, which means I have to get to know someone before I’m interested. The world of swiping doesn’t work well for me, and, I move slower than most want too sexually.

I am not polyamorous in any sense of the word. I enjoy some non-monogamous play when I’m single and emotions aren’t involved. But as soon as emotions come into the picture, I need monogamy.

When I try dating someone switchy, they tend to go subby around me. And I am not a switch, I am a submissive through and through. There are certain scenarios where I can switch, but they’re few and far between, it’s mostly just not something I enjoy.

My logic says that… if I’m more competent or make better decisions than someone I’m vetting, how am I supposed to hand control over to them? I’d be safer keeping my power than giving it to them.

My schedule is pretty shit. I work crazy hours that match up better with people in Europe than in North America, and that’s a challenge most done want to stick through in the early stages.

Emotional flashbacks are a big one. I’ve had multiple partners tell me that I’m exhausting when caught in a flashback.

I tend to withdraw and isolate when I’m stressed or upset. I’m good at communicating that I’m upset and need time, even good at saying how much time I need. But the withdrawal still bothers people with anxious attachment, even when I communicate.

I get annoyed when people can’t keep up in conversation. I keep it in check externally, but internally, it’s hard to form an attachment when the conversation drives me nuts or when I’m fighting the urge to finish their sentences to keep it going.

I’m avoidant. Intimacy doesn’t feel super safe. And if someone is too sure of me too fast, it scares me.

I’m stubborn as hell. 🤷‍♀️

I am difficult to be in relationship with. More than one partner has told me this.

I’m eccentric and have eccentric tastes, in music, in hobbies, etc. I’m weird.

When I care about someone, I have some people-pleasing tendencies, and it takes a lot of effort to remain authentic. I make the effort, but it feels like swimming through mud.

I’m a verbal processor, so if I don’t feel safe talking to you to resolve our problems, or if there is a lot of confusion and being left in limbo wondering where I stand… my therapist is likely going to hear about it. And maybe my friends. I will always try with my partner first. But if I can’t talk to you, and I’m in pain, I will likely end up talking to someone. I need it to process. That has bothered past partners.

I’m working on my faults, but they’re there and some sort of fault will always be there, because ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist in a human being.

But any combination of those factors makes it difficult. Each one narrows down who is compatible and who isn’t. So the point I made in the other post stands: even if I found someone who checks all of my boxes, what are the chances that they would actually want me instead of someone much easier?