Hm... Girls

“scientists don’t want you know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because if you actually meet a scientist they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know

Happy Pride

"it's just stress" oh thank god, it's just the silent killer that slowly kills you, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

"it's all in your head" oh thank god, it's only just affecting the most important organ in my body that controls almost everything i do to live, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

Oh that one is especially fun to hear when you have a neurological condition. Yes, I know it's all in my head. Headache disorders do tend to happen there. Shocking, I know.

Transcript: Why does this shit always ha - every time I go to the beach, some fuckin mollusk or dead thing pulls up. Are you at least alive? I mean, I don’t remember you being on my towel, so I’m gonna [pokes the crab] oh! wait [pokes it again] Oh! Big boy. [gasps as the crab runs away] He’s a fa - what the fuck? Does he - live in the sea? [gasps]

If I'm elected as your president in 2028 I promise to bring back the Western Interior Seaway.

Pretty babies come swim in w ater with big fish water is fine with big fish in come taste interior seaway with big fish

both of them are me

By this point Loch Ness is probably the inland body of water we can be most sure doesn't have a monster in it.

That’s just what it wants you to think.

atheist quarterback throws a hail darwin

agnostic quarterback throws a hail maybe

christian pitcher throws a christian baby