iguana party

Dahling you simply must read this book! It’s all about this devious little caterpillar who simply gorges himself on all manner of divine things

This is painfully American

when we say "it is functionally impossible to parody Americans in a way that will actually insult them" this is the sort of thing you're up against. is your sick burn funnier than corporation burger clown sing national anthem baseball game? no?? of course it isn't.

i really like this thing where websites will have separate "log in" & "sign up" buttons and if you click "log in" it takes you to a sign-up screen anyway so you have to click "i already have an account" and then it will ask if you want to sign in with your facebook account or with instagram or linkedin or deviantart or whatever, and if you choose "username & password" it asks if you want to put in your username or use your thumbprint, and once you put your username & password it emails you a confirmation code, and once you put in the code it says "do you want to give us your phone number for future sign-ins? do you want to sign up for facial recognition? do you want to give us your bones? give us your fucking bones?

I'm trying so hard to suspend disbelief on this fuck of a life but every day I suspect more and more that we are living in a cartoon

This went down a fucking storm in a bar on Saturday btw

Will there be skulls?

Of course, it is Pride month after all

fuck i’m trying to catch all these flies but they think my vinegar is stupid. i have honey also but that’s for me i can’t give them any of that

management trying to hire and retain employees

My supervisor keeps cutting off my sentences and while I could respectfully ask him to stop interrupting me during meetings, I hate him and his stupid misshapen head and my new tactic is to let him finish his sentence and then restart my sentence from the very beginning and keep doing that again and again until I get to the end of my sentence. This is not a mature or professional way to conduct oneself in a workplace but it is: Deeply Fucking Funny because he gets so impatient so fast

I'm not kidding like you can see him grit his teeth and you see this muscle twitch in his jaw and it is hysterical. He's so angry he wants me dead but strangling me at work would be way less professional than whatever juvenile bullshit I'm doing

I maintain this could be vaguely sexually interesting if he were hot but he isn't. I'm suffering worse than Christ over here

@abalidoth

I really don’t like when a book advertises itself as fantasy or scifi with maybe some romance on the side and then it turns out to just be a romance with some fantasy or scifi wallpaper. Fine if you wanna read that but I don’t. Stop having sex and kill the dragon already. This is false advertising.

“My emperor is fine” your emperor has commissioned over 8000 life-sized terracotta soldiers and buried them facing east, in the direction of his recently conquered enemies in the hopes that they will protect him in the afterlife.

DELETE THIS IMMEDIATELY

someone needs to invent reverse cornflakes. i want to eat a cereal that gives me a demonic erection and inflicts upon me an insatiable lust