sometimes the weight of memory is too much for ilya. sure, sveta and sasha knew him as a child, knew his parents, but not in the same way alexei did. sveta and sasha rarely saw it first hand. they heard about it. after. always after. so when memories smear he can't rely on them to paint the details back in.
alexei was there when irina woke them in the wee small hours with a too bright smile and wouldn't take them to school because they were going on an adventure. he held ilya's hand in the back seat of the car as they sped towards places he can't now, as an adult, pin point on a map. when their parents argued about it two days later, he put the walkman headphones over ilya's ears and pressed play on the tape of abba gold or . . . maybe was it elton john?
they got along when they were single digit small, two boots a pair as their baba masha would say. where alexei went, ilya was the little golden shadow toddling after him. alexei taught him to tape his hockey stick and how to take a check. he showed him how to throw a punch. he ate the tomatoes off ilya's plate even when he insisted he really would eat them all this time.
of course, alexei also knew that pinching the sensitive skin on the backs of ilya's arms would make him cry, and that that was an easy way to swing the lighthouse torch of their father's attention onto ilya long enough for him to escape their mausoleum of a house. it would take too long for him to learn to resent him for it and learn the same underhanded tricks.
they find their way back to one another. it's years down the line: alexei finally clean, eventually divorced, ilya retired after a double knee surgery when he's 3 years past the age his mother ever was.
there are times when ilya feels like spectre in his own body. on those days looking in the mirror is treacherous, he's not sure he'll recognise himself in the reflection, and every tether to who he is and who he used to be frays a little further. on those days, he needs to know that someone else remembers too.
"where did we go?" he asks alexei when the not knowing eventually gets too much. "all those times in the car?"
the line between ottawa and moscow is still tinny. still difficult.
"anywhere that wasn't moscow. she threatened to take you across the border to latvia at least three times."
ilya frowns. that wasn't right. "to take both of us."
"no, just you ilyusha," alexei sighs. "she only took me the first time."
dailybridgerton
gummygunk
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2087
