A Clusterfuck of Disorders

And I think I lowered my expectations way too much because I actually enjoyed it. Like the writing is cringey as hell, and laughing at it is fun, but honestly the storyline is kind of sort of interesting. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been on reddit in my life. Like I know what reddit is, but I’ve never had an account or really been on the site. I listen to the compilations with the robot voices on youtube, because that’s the kind of quality content that I crave, but that’s it. 

I feel like I answered something like this before my era long hiatus, but what the hell, I can go for it again.

First of all, I wouldn't consider myself transgender per say. I wasn't born into the wrong body since as a fictive/introject I have a whole past and all. Additionally, I'm not transitioning, and I would say that I don't have an express interest in transitioning. While I would like to, I think I've come to terms with the fact that I really can't do that with my circumstances.

But yes, I do get a lot of body dysphoria. I wouldn't call it gender dysphoria exactly, while it does have gender related ties, I wouldn't call it the same thing as the dysphoria as a trans person feels. I avoid mirrors. I do dress a little more masculine when I get the chance, but it's hard to do a full costume change when I might not be fronting for long. Yes, I am incredibly uncomfortable showering or anything like that.

Since I technically have memories of being in a male body, it feels more surreal to me than anything. Just this incredible sense of wrongness which usually leads to some fun, good old fashioned dissociating. I'm disgusted by my body on things other than physical sex, but that does play a role.

Aaaaand I literally have nothing else to say. TLDR, I personally don't consider myself trans or have "traditional" gender dysphoria, however I do experience general body dysphoria with some gender related ties.

Oh fuck no. There is one specific alter in my partner's system who does not like me, and I do not like him. And the main problem is that we're very similar. So you can imagine how that goes.

I wouldn't say I hate him completely, it goes from general tolerance to a very very strong dislike. It's also sort of painful looking at someone who has a lot of my same flaws, and sometimes when I talk to him I sit there and think "oh god this was what I sounded like" and cringe. The issue with systems is that I can't exactly cut him off or get rid of him, because systems. He says he wants to "help" sometimes and while I suppose he's said some helpful things, he's sort of a dick.

Scratch that, he's a major dick. I do not like him.

I try to be civil, but I have the emotional maturity of a three year old and I do tend to lose it fairly quickly with him. Even though I'm trying to get out of my old manipulation patterns, it's irritating that he can see right through me. I don't like feeling exposed.

He has a very prominent "holier than thou" attitude. Which I did/do have, so I can't say much, but even I can take some criticism at this point. He literally acts like he cannot be wrong and it's the most INFURIATING thing. Because he has his own major issues, he can indeed be wrong, and I kind of want to punch him in the face.

But I can't do that because systems.

While yes, he's generally been a thorn in my side and the source of a lot of emotional disasters, it's not worth breaking up with my other partners over. I like to believe that he'll get what's coming to him, and when that happens, I will stand there and laugh, and then maybe help him because I am A Good Person.

But mostly laugh.

So side note, it's not like a harem with systems dating. It's pretty complex, and different alters in both systems can have different relationships with each other. So yay, complicated things.

Does he hate me? Probably XD He technically does have a right to, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I could vent about him so much, but that's a terrible idea because I know he's looking for my blog and I don't need to dig my grave any deeper XD

So with that said, N, you know who you are, and if you're seeing this, hi, fuck you, and get off my blog :D

Honestly, I constantly find it entertaining when I get asks like these. I fully expected to get backlash (I even hoped to because I'm a problematic little bastard) but wow, again, I guess I'm doing something right XD

I'm glad it actually comes off as informative instead of me tossing my thoughts into the void one by one. Yay for honesty. I'm not too used to using it actually, but what point do I have to lie? I will wear my certified asshole badge or something. Yay. I'm glad I come across as chill too. Trust me, I can be the complete opposite, but I'm glad that my honesty can be summed up as "chill". I like that XD

This is a good question. So obviously I can't speak for every narcissist that has ever walked the face of the earth, so the amazing answer to this question is...It depends. Don't worry, I'll elaborate. From what I've seen, every narcissist has a different preference for victims. We aren't going to pick on every single person that crosses our paths. We don't have time for that, and basically, not everyone is "worthy" of being tormented. A common misconception is that a narcissist will victimize every single person they come across. This is false. I'll be a dick to you, but that doesn't mean I'm intentionally targeting you. That's its own special breed of cruelty.

Anyways, moving on, most narcissists that I have read about/met have specific criteria for victim selection. We're going to use me as an example, because this is my goddamn blog. I have two types of victims. Ones I go after for fun, and ones I go after for power grabbing purposes, or for the purpose of defending my position/self image. The second category is pretty self explanatory. Basically, anyone I perceive to be in my way is in this category. If someone has a higher status than me, has some measure of control over me, or challenges me, I will most definitely pay them more attention, and try my best to chip away at them, or even completely break them if I feel it's necessary. I like being in control, I like power, and I don't like being questioned. Yes, I need to work on all three of those.

Now I think this question pertains to the second category, the one containing people we harass only for our own amusement. It's like having an incredibly engaging toy or puppet. Yanking the strings to make them jump is incredibly satisfying. I have a specific set of traits that I prefer my victims to have. Either I use them because I know exactly what to do with those kinds of people, or I've had fun with those types of people in the past, and a victim with those traits is just more entertaining. An example would be people who think they have power, people who have a decent chance of fighting back, people with lots of confidence, ect ect. Personally, I don't usually select victims with obvious insecurities or emotional wounds. It feels too easy to me, and I was a fan of the "thrill of the hunt" so to say. Autism was never a trait I personally took interest in. It felt too easy, and I'd rather exploit more complex weaknesses. I never selected victims solely for the reason that they had autism. Occasionally I learned a few had autism later, but it was never the reason for targeting them. Did I exploit it? Yes. Was it nice? No. I feel like I have to say this every time, but I am not a good person.

So basically from this example I will say that yes it's possible to pick victims purely because they have autism, but no not every narcissist does this. There's a sort of third category for victims that could fall under the original second category I mentioned, but I'll cover it anyways. Basically, you end up in this category if you irritate me or piss me off. These aren't really victims per say, since it's not a full blown targeted interest, but I'll definitely give this more effort than just being a dick, mainly because I'm already aggravated. Yes, if someone stimming annoyed me, I suppose that could be enough for me to pick on them, but again that's not autism itself.

Oh jesus, do I really want to get into this? Whatever, I'm bored, so here goes nothing. I am about to be canceled I can feel it...

So I do understand why cis straight white men (From now on calling them CSWM) are in the hot seat. This is the group of people at the top of the food chain for all sorts of periods of minority oppression. However, I don't think every single CSWM is automatically terrible. We're taking what they did to minorities, and just turning it back on them. Race, gender, and sexuality don't define a person. It's a broad generalization to hate every single freaking CSWM that is currently alive, or dead I guess. Do some of them deserve hate? Yes, there are some shitty people that just happen to be CSWM. But there can be people who are shitty that aren't white, cis, or straight. There are good people, and there are bad people. That's what it really boils down to in my eyes. So overall I find it petty and illogical to just try and flip the board. It's not going to accomplish anything. It's only going to give CSWM more reasons to hate on minorities.

Disclaimer, I am speaking from an lgbtqa+ perspective, I can't speak for other minorities.

Short answer: No

Long answer: DID is a mental disorder, not a gender/sexual/romantic identity or orientation. Let's break it down.

Gender is...gender. I have no idea how else to describe it. I'm just going to say that it's an identity that you put out to describe yourself in terms of...gender. Yes, this is making perfect sense so far. What I'm trying to say is that DID, or any other mental disorder, is not an identity. It can be a part of your identity that's unrelated to gender, but again it's a mental disorder. Not a gender. There is some syscourse I've seen with some people (both systems and singlets) saying that DID is an identity with terms such as "system gender" but personally I think that mental disorders and gender should be kept relatively separate. I've briefly heard of terms such as Autism Gender, but I have no idea about that stuff, and I think it's different from this kind of thing. This is fully my personal opinion, people can do whatever they want with their gender expression, I just think that mental disorders shouldn't be lumped in with gender.

Now onto sexual orientation. Personally, it seems a little ridiculous to me, but this isn't something a lot of people think about, so I'll explain it starting with attraction. So it sounds like it can be just a regular attraction, like having an attraction to blondes. However, let's take a more commonly talked about (the quality of that talk is debatable) mental disorder, schizophrenia. Having an attraction to schizophrenia sounds wrong. (At least I hope it does to you) The same thing goes for DID, you're having an attraction to a mental disorder that causes the individual with it an immense amount of suffering in their life. Moving onto sexual orientation, if you're saying you are "system sexual" (a word I have seen used) you are sexually attracted to a mental disorder. Again, if I say "Sexually attracted to schizophrenia" that sounds really wrong. Why is it different for DID? In my humble opinion, I do not consider an attraction to systems in any form as a legitimate sexual orientation, since it's still a mental disorder and not a sex or gender.

The final thing I can think to add is that some people do assume that being with a system is the same thing as being in a poly relationship. To put it simply, it's not. It could be considered a type of poly relationship to some degree if someone is in a relationship with multiple alters in one system, but it's really not the same as a regular poly relationship. Again, this is a mental illness that comes with a lot more baggage than most people think. It's not a box set of partners.

So overall, no. DID isn't a part of LGBTQA+ (I have no idea how many letters we're using now) It's a mental disorder, and it has no place being under the LGBTQ label.

Yee fucking haw, I get to write something again. Hi internet people, tis I, Ko, the reoccurring guest speaker. I think this is my...third? post. Something like that, but ok, answering stuff time. Hey, no worries being on anon, it's there for a reason right? I seem nice...but it's a trap! Jk, I mean, I try to be nice, but does that go well? It's a mystery.

Ok, so I've never actually seen an online space for kleptomaniacs in the wild. I did a little search thingy on discord and the relative rest of the internet (I don't have facebook so I didn't check there) and 99.9% of all of them were lifter bullshit, saying stuff like "Omg, I'm such a klepto" *shows off intentional shoplifting haul*. So yeah, not totally a great space. Like, not trying to start shit, but lifter community, quit using the word klepto. I don't wanna be associated with you when you get arrested. If you're stealing for the point of showing off, and not because of a mental disorder or a genuine need, I think you gotta take a good look at yourself.

So this is going to sound pretty sucky, and I feel bad for having this as my general answer, but I think kleptomania is going to be one of the rarest communities to find. There's a lot of shame associated with the disorder, (I'm sure you know, I'm just tossing general facts out there for some odd reason.) and like I for one try not to talk about it unless I'm asked like I am now, which is totally cool. Anon, no self doubt allowed, I'm glad you reached out and you seem like a chill person. Basically what I'm saying is that I'm pretty sure there's not really an open community for kleptomaniacs that's free of triggers and puns, just because no one really sits down and talks about the realities of it. Real talk though, I hate the puns. Like if someone's first reaction to hearing that I'm a kleptomaniac, idk, I will be sad and annoyed XD

This is a decently interesting question. To start out, let's throw the definition of psychotic out there. So psychotic originally derives from the mental illness known as psychosis. Yes, it is its own thing, it's separate from other mental illnesses such as psychopathy and schizophrenia. It can occur alongside other disorders, but it's a whole other disorder. In modern media, being psychotic or psycho is usually perceived as someone going completely crazy, acting crazy, being aggressive and generally insane. That's not actually the real definition of psychosis or psychotic. Psychosis can involve delusions, hallucinations, and essentially the person loses the sense of reality and what's around them.

Psychotic and psycho aren't words that get a good rep in the mental health community, and hopefully it's obvious why, so if not, here you go. It's not pure craziness or something inherently evil, it's a symptom of a disorder that's blown out of proportion and stigmatized in media.

Alright, so, I don't have psychosis, and I'm not a professional, so if I get anything wrong, someone yell at me. So class, as we've learned in my earlier terribly written paragraphs, psychosis is its own mental disorder, meaning that it isn't a "side effect" so to say of NPD. As far as I can tell, they're fairly unrelated. NPD does come with delusions of grandeur in some cases, but those are different than psychosis delusions. So no, narcissists aren't inherently "psychotic" in the actual definition of the word. Yes, a lot of us are capable of actions that may seem "psychotic" in the stigmatized definition of the word, but that most likely has nothing to do with literal psychosis. Can someone have NPD and psychosis at the same time? I obviously can't speak from experience, but it seems so from my researching.

What I can say from personal experience is that yes, I have shown some behaviors that can be considered "psychotic", mainly when I completely lose my temper/feel threatened. I'm generally irritable most of the time, and I range from annoyed to angry on a typical day. However if someone insults me enough or basically pushes all the right buttons, I do somewhat snap. Basically it's me yelling at the top of my lungs, throwing random insults, sometimes laughing because I'm weird like that, and yes, it's not pretty. I've never gotten inherently physical with anyone because I'm small and over half of the population can kick my ass, so just throwing that out there. In the case of others, yes, physical reactions can happen. However, that's not psychosis, that's actually mania. It would be closer to a manic reaction, due to the heightened energy, emotional spikes, and out of control compulsions as opposed to hallucinations or loss of reality. Some of it for me personally also has to do with being bipolar, which involves mania a lot.

For most narcissists, our most over the top reactions happen when people we've deemed lower than us stand up to us, or fight back to the point of hitting a nerve. Am I sensitive, fairly yes. If someone were to combat me enough and say the right things, my sense of superiority would be threatened and I'd be willing to do anything to protect it. In my mind, it's to remove or crush the source of the problem, being a person usually. So, like the rabid little attack dog I am, I lash out. And some days I'll freak out for no reason, or because of a very small reason, and I can say that's more of my bipolar disorder than NPD.

So overall, can narcissists be considered psychotic? In the mental health sense of the word, I'm going to say no, as NPD by itself doesn't normally include any symptoms of psychosis. Can someone with NPD also have psychosis? I'm going to say yes for that. Can narcissists act "psychotic" in the stereotypical sense? Yes, I believe anyone can honestly, but we have more specific triggers for that kind of response.

I’m taking this as a genuine question and not an insult, so don’t worry about it. Yeah, I guess the mainstream viewpoint is that alone/no friends=sad/bad. But I’m a special little mentally fucking ill snowflake, so I land outside the norm yet again in terms of relationships. To me, there’s a difference between having people, and having friends. The majority of people around me I would consider acquaintances at the very most. I interact with them and can usually gain some benefits in the form of attention, but I don’t have any emotional connection to them. I outwardly appear to be friends or at least friendly, but I wouldn’t say I have any connection with them other than a surface one. Most people apparently form friendships to forge an emotional bond that benefits both parties. I however, don’t need that emotional bond because to put it in basic internet terms “my emotions are wack”. I don’t need their emotional support, and I don’t want to have to worry about other people. Once again for the people in the back, I’m not a good person. The majority of my genuine feelings during my interactions with people are usually “What can I gain?” and what most people have to offer is their attention, and that’s all I need. Am I lonely? Yes and no. In terms of being lonely emotionally, no. I’ve always been pretty solitary when I’m not trying to get something, so no. I do however live off of attention, and I am 99.9% sure I will literally shrivel up and die without attention. Basically the big difference lies in the surface level connection/deep connection.

However, I do have friends. Not many, but I have them. As of time of writing I have exactly one (1) friend that I would consider someone I trust. For someone to be a friend to me, they’d have to be someone I consider to be close to my equal, someone I deem trustworthy, and someone who’s seen my “true form” as I call it. Aaaaand my true form is pretty much a raging bitch for lack of a better term. I complain constantly, whine incessantly, shit talk people and am Generally Intolerable. Yes somehow this person has not yet been scared away, so we’ll see where that goes. (Person, I know you follow me, so hi.) 

The final thing I’ll touch on is how I as a somewhat reformed currently a work in progress narcissist go about interactions now. I still feed off of attention, and I don’t think that will ever change, but if I’m not being harmful/toxic, it’s apparently alright. I deserve at least six freaking oscars for my daily performances, and a lot of my interactions come down to that. I’ll act friendly, act caring, make myself interact with their problems and try to help (which goes horribly usually. You’ve heard of brutal honesty, but I have it’s evolved form, destructive honesty.) But do I feel anything? No, it’s emotionally void in terms of most relationships. I can like someone because they’re entertaining or they outwardly like me, but it takes a hell of a lot more than that to even get close to anything more real than that. I’ve been trying to make more friends, and I guess you could consider those “fake” in some sense of the word since I don’t feel anything towards those people, however I do try to put effort into appearing genuine. And for the record, it’s exhausting. 

To rephrase what I’ve said before, I can form actual relationships although they still differ vastly from someone with no empathy related issues. A few other small pieces of my general disagreeableness comes down to the fact that I am very picky, very quick to judge, very petty, and very jealous. And honestly, the people who I would consider friends grew on me by accident, and I think that’s what really differs the most. I didn’t actively seek out something from these people, they proved their worth to me on their own. Again is that a somewhat bad thing? Probably, but again, bad person. I should have put this at the top but disclaimer, I can only speak for my own personal experience, blah blah blah, yeah. I wrote a small essay, wow. Anyways, thanks for the ask, it was a good way to occupy my time.

Yes, I am doing fairly well!! I’m finally back after the world’s longest unplanned haitus, and it’s nice to see that some random internet stranger cares. So thank you. 

Hello 175 people that still follow me for some reason despite me doing literally nothing for six months, I am still alive. So, where did I come from where did I go, where did you come from cotton eye joe.

Ok so I just did that. Moving on, I kind of sort of maybe got back into Ye Olde Habit of repressing my feelings and generally being a train wreck. And then the panorama happened. I’m not using the real word because triggers, and I refuse to get in drama...yet...

But rejoice, I am back, and I’m doing somewhat decent(?) so hey, progress is always lovely. My inbox is full, I appreciate you guys, and I’ll start answering those. 

Also for the record, here is the general direction my blog is going in for now: I’m open to answering questions about DID/NPD stuff still, and idk, I will be throwing my emotional bullshit into the void sort of like I’m doing now. So yay, the journey continues. I was honestly thinking about waiting 365 days, but alas, I have been wracked with passion alongside my poor impulse control.

Figment of my imagination and “Light Yagami Kinnie” 

First ones fair XD