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I used to cry to this song as a teenager, in my room, before my mom made me homeless. Or whenever I'd be able to sneak back into my house, I'd curl up under my favorite blanket skin and bones, and ugly sob, the video made me envious, dysphoric, jealous, I'd cry about the crush I had on this boy I was friends with, he was disgusting but sometimes showed me affection in secret, I imagined us getting married, my dress, stupid but I did it. I often hate myself, I often hate my life, my body, the rot puberty did to it, I remember knowing, knowing what was coming. I've known for a long time, what I am. But I earnestly thought, that maybe, if I was religious, if I prayed hard enough, and crossed my legs, and was ladylike, that god would realize his mistake, not only would he realize his mistake, but he would fix it. Not just sit upon his throne and laugh, laugh at the climate I would inherit, laugh at my stupid silly dreams, laugh at the agony I feel over not being able to be a mother.
I lost my faith in God in jr high, any faith I did have, I replaced it with drugs, because drugs made the pain numb, maybe they didn't always cover it up, but they numbed it.
And that was enough, and now here I am, I turn 24 on the 27th and I am more miserable than I have ever been, more miserable, more sad, than I have ever been. Well, no actually I'm not, I last felt just like this before I found painkillers, except now there are no pain killers, no little pills I can take to make it all go away. The dysphoria, the deep self hatred.
Now I'm just stuck, and sober. And sometimes I wish, I wish nobody had dragged my body to a hospital, I wish that lady had let me die on that sidewalk, in that bathroom, on the floor of my friend's house while he debated whether I was worth the Narcan.
Because now I feel damaged, feel ugly, uglier than I was before. But something tells me had I done none of my coping with substance, that I would still feel this way. And sometimes, sometimes I think, I will never get to be happy, I must believe reincarnation exists,
because if it doesn't. Then God, if they exist, is a sick fuck.
God I love Molly nillson, as I disassociate in dysphoria, thanks for being there Molly, fr.
Sometimes songs just ... Get you. Y'know.
on some level you have to believe that tomorrow morning you'll wake up in the body of your dreams. you know you wont. you know theres no mischeivous god, no alien who pieces your together wrong, no secret drug which transforms you, and definitely not a fantasy world to get isekaied to. you have to believe anyways, because if you dont, you have to accept that your body will always be a cage in some way. that you will always feel just as trapped as you do now. you cant leg the flesh overwhelm you, you have to let the fantasies happen, even if they make you cry, especially if they make you cry. you have to believe.
sometimes i be existing them im hit with The Dysphoria
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
my experience navigating imposter syndrome is heavily related to my trans experience. dysphoria feeling like im not in my own body, feeling like im not in control of my body or that my body is a threat to my wellbeing, and a persistent belief i cant do anything right bc of the dissociation/depersonalization caused by that dysphoria. also feeling like i missed out on so many girlhood experiences that it sometimes feels impossible to relate to cis women. also sometimes feels impossible for my struggles to build myself into this person to be actually recognized and appreciated, and then i question if i even deserve that kinda acknowledgment. i probly have some undiagnosed shit going on and likely cptsd from experiences in boy scouts, so mayb the self doubt of not having those officially validated also contributes to my feelings of being an imposter in my own body.
imposter syndrome when you're trans is...
how do i explain species dysphoria to people who still can’t even see me as more than a girl yet
