Balter and Defenestrate

i was feeling silly at the gas station today so i said to the cashier that i’ll take my gas “to go” and i could see her imagining what it would be like to jump over the counter and strangle me to death

some people like to get mad at disability benefits because they think its unfair people who dont work get a payout from the government while they have to work 50 hours at the human suffering factory every week. but if you tell them "yeah that sucks i think you should also get a universal allowance and not have to work 50 hours at the human suffering factory every week" thats apparently the wrong answer.

when the song tackles you to the ground and starts beating the ever loving shit out of you

people taking away ilya’s nine inches like he isn’t already an orphan like let him have SOMETHING

Whimpers

Throws Up A Little On YOUR Couch

Shane Hollander stopped giving his trademark media trained, ultra-sanitized answers to the press after moving to the Centaurs and marrying Ilya. This is mainly because being with Ilya openly empowers him in a way a lifetime supply of cocaine could only dream of. He spent over a decade censoring himself and the only thing it really accomplished was keeping him away from the love of his life. Now, every rebellious answer, every opinionated response is a love letter, both to himself and to Ilya. It is a declaration of how far he has come and how much further he can go now that he has his husband at his side. Most of all, it is the ultimate proof that he has finally stopped living for other people and started living for himself, and the best way to do that is to make slightly unhinged statements to the press because it turns Ilya on like nothing else, and for Shane, getting absolutely railed post game is the ultimate act of self-care. Good job Shane, keep doing you and getting done by your husband.

kitten if you don't get daddy his 3D printed sensory slug in the next five seconds you can kiss your grandma's drywall goodbye

This was supposed to be unrebloggable, but I was flying into a gamer rage at the antique store because someone was wearing too much Victoria's Secret Love Spell body spray and it gave me a migraine.

*street shot of zohran mamdani clad in nasty lil suit and hard hat* five months ago i was elected mayor of new york city. in that time, we have managed to COMPLETELY defeat the Staten Island Minotaur at no additional cost to the new york taxpayer

People are like “it’s so beautiful no clouds at all” it could use a little clouds if I had to be honest.

shane would "he asked for no pickles." and ilya would love it. not because he can't stand up for himself or any of that (he most certainly can; hes the worlds most brash and obnoxiously confident man <3) but because no one's ever stood up for him before. obvi its small scale and over a mistake, but ilya eats it up every time. and shane loves it bc he loves to take care of his baby even if they both know ilya is more than capable of doing this himself

Harris has the idea to make the centaurs try Pilates for a video. Everyone is immediately humbled and going through hell apart from Shane who is having the time of his life.

gonna start making snopes-style responses to urban legends about tumblr