Oof

My father found out ge had a degenerative bone disease. He was originally told it was a different condition very similar to scoliosis, but from the top down. Then his vertebrae started collapsing and they realized his bones are dissolving essentially.

And the hardest thing. The thing I'm still struggling with, my sister. Two weeks before her 18th birthday she found out she was pregnant. So she hung herself. My father found her body when he got home for work.

I had had to do all of the funeral arrangements. The shock when the first place I called asked if I'd pay the extra to have her cremated alone instead of in a group. I couldn't call another place for days.

And because of my mother's condition we couldn't immediately get her signature. Hannah sat in a mourge basement for nearly a month because of red tape.

I went from very little medication to a lot of medication to a mental health leave because I was a danger to myself. Hannah was legally my sister. But she was my daughter.

I raised her. I walked her to school. I made her meals. I cut her hair. I threw all of her birthday parties and bought all of her Christmas gifts. Everyone in our lives knew she was my daughter in any way that mattered.

My mother wasn't supposed to outlive her. She wasn't supposed to go before me. Before her brother with a brain condition. We always joked it would come down to her and instead I got put in charge of ordering urns and necklaces and death certificates.

Do you know what it costs to bury your child? To put her to rest almost a month after the fact? To burn her up without being embalmed cost me nearly $2000. Not including the service or the urns.

I was only allowed to see her body for free before hand because the mortician wrote it off as a body identification. I was suppose to pay to see her. Pay to see her tiny little body for the last time.

I had to clean her room myself. I had to print her photos. 17 years. 17 years and all I could gather were 204 photos. That's all I have to show for her life. Not even a picture a day for a single year.

I'm never going to be able to pay off the loan I had to take out. I borrowed $1,400. I've paid $275 every paycheck since March and I now owe $1,651. I'll be paying it back until I die. America is bullshit.

I would have helped her raise that baby. I would have helped her have an abortion or go through the adoption process. I would have done anything for my baby.