We are a polyfragmented multiple collective. Diagnosed once at 17 with MPD (DSM-III was current then) and again ten years later in 2001 with DID (DSM-IV was current). Bodily we are 50+. We are a Ritual/Religious Abuse survivor. Went through eight years of (broken up) trauma therapy and hospitalizations. For various reasons we have not been in therapy for over twelve years. Our current system estimate is over 750. This is a conservative estimate.
We are also diagnosed with bipolar (with psychosis), PTSD and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). We deal with autism and ADHD issues (currently undiagnosed and likely to stay as such). We also deal with chronic illness. We have a number of diagnosed health issues (lupus and fibromyalgia along with a TBI) and an even larger number undiagnosed. We are mostly writers and sometimes wanna be artists. We are on SSI disability and have not been able to work for years. We tend to be fairly jaded and cynical.
EDIT: We tend to avoid syscourse when possible. We support ALL systems. You can send us asks. (No anon.) Don't DM us bc we likely won't reply.
We formerly were known as Collective Dreamscapes (as well as Shadowscapes Collective).
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why won't you conform why won't you just conform if you don't conform you'll be hurt you'll be sad you'll be alone why won't you conform don't you want to be accepted don't you want to be part of the norm I had to conform my parents had to conform you have to conform if you don't conform it means I didn't actually have to conform it means the rules are fake why won't you conform the rules are real because I enforce them I will hurt you I will make you sorry why won't you just conform you should do it for me you should do it so I don't feel uncomfortable so I don't have to think so I don't have to question what I did to myself what I did to others pursuing this norm that I want to be absolute why won't you conform your difference is so loud it's an attack on who I am you are hurting me you are hurting me no matter what I do you just won't be normal you just won't act normal canât you just repress who you are forever for my convenience you have to do it for me just for me your existence is unbearable to me why won't you just shut up why won't you just disappear why won't you just die why won't you just die just die
Fun Story: My director kept telling me and my tenor sax buddy to play softer. No matter what we did, it wasnât soft enough for him. So getting frustrated, I told my buddy âDont play this time. Just fake itâÂ
Our Band Director then informed us we sounded perfect.Â
Okay yeah so I play the bass clarinet and the amount of air you have to move and the stiffness of the reed means it only has two settings and that is loud and louder, with an optional LOUDEST that includes a 50% probability of HORRIBLE CROAKING NOISE which is the bass equivalent of the ubiquitous clarinet shriek.
One day, when I was in concert band in high school, we got a new piece handed out for the first time, and there was a strange little commotion back in the tuba section â whispering, and pointing at something in the music, and swatting at each otherâs hands all shhh donât call attention to it. And although they did attract the attention of basically everyone else in the band, they managed to avoid being noticed by the band director, who gave us a few minutes to look over our parts and then said, âAll right, letâs run through it up to section A.â
And here we are, cheerfully playing along, sounding reasonably competent â but everyone, when they have the attention to spare, is keeping an eye on the tuba players. They donât come in for the first eight measures or so, and then when they do come in, what we see is:
[stifled giggling]
[reeeeeeally deep breath]
[COLOSSAL FOGHORN NOISE]
The entire band stops dead, in the cacophonous kind of way that a band stops when it hasnât actually been cued to stop. The band director doesnât even say anything, just looks straight back at the tubas and makes a helpless sort of why gesture.
In unison, the tuba players defend themselves: âTHERE WERE FOUR FâS.â
FFFF is not really a rational dynamic marking for any instrument, but for the love of all that is holy why would you put it in a tuba part.
as far as I can translate it, the German notes at the octuple forte mean something roughly like âYou want the instrument to cough⌠this is not for wimpsâ
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The way most autism literature describes "literal interpretation" is often not at all similar to how I experience it. Teenage me even thought I couldn't be autistic because I've always been able to learn metaphors easily.
In fact, I love wordplay of all kinds. Teenage me was fascinated to learn all the types of figurative language there are in poetry and literature.
But paperwork and questionnaires are hard, because there's so much they don't state clearly. Or they don't leave room for enough nuance.
"List all the jobs you've had, with start and end dates." What if I don't remember the exact day or month? Is the year enough?
"Have you been suffering from blurred vision?" Well, if I take off my glasses the whole world is blurred, but I'm fairly sure that's not what the intake form at the optometrist is asking.
Or the infamous (and infuriatingly stereotypical) "Would you rather go to a library or a party?" What sort of party? Where? Who's there? I work at a library. Am I currently at the library for work or pleasure? Does it have a good collection?
It's not common figures of speech that confound me. It's ambiguity, in situations that aren't supposed to be ambiguous.
I hate how often some (typically abled) people will go âwell, if you canât [get a specific support], then what?â when it comes to disabilities. As if itâs a âgotchaâ moment. And then act like youâre exaggerating when you answer that question honestly.
Disabled people often die from a lack of support. A lot of disability aids are not a luxury, but a basic need in order to live.
âWell what happens ifââ people die. People hurt themselves. People hurt others. Disabled people donât magically become abled if our needs arenât met.
If a bedbound quadriplegic is caught in a housefire, and thereâs nobody there to save them, theyâll probably die. They wonât magically become able-bodied out of sheer will.
If a nonspeaking/nonverbal autistic is denied access to alternative methods of communication, theyâll suffer in silence. They wonât spontaneously become capable of speech.
Disabled people are disabled all the time. Our disabilities donât go away just because theyâre inconvenient, or if weâre in danger.
In hindsight being a âgifted kidâ is so funny. You have substantial difficulties with socializing and fine motor skills, but weâre going to ignore that because youâre really good at reading chapter books
Yes, autism may explain bad behaviour, but it doesn't excuse it. If I hurt someone, it's on me to apologize. No going "I'm literally neurodivergent and a minor."
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CDDs do not own the word "system". there are many definitions and hundreds of use cases for the word.
Just like the respiratory system is not the same as the political system, nondisordered endogenic systems are not the same as traumagenic CDD systems. but they are all still systems.
weary and wary are not the same word and have very different meanings and if i see one more person use wearily when they mean warily Iâm gonna combust
weary: tired, worn-out, beaten down, exhausted, in need of rest. they were weary after their long journey. wearily, she sat down on the couch and kicked off her shoes. he had grown weary of this conversation.
wary: guarded, cautious, on-edge, careful. they were wary of the approaching stranger. warily, she poked at the dark shape in the corner of her room. he paused, wary, but nodded anyway.
"Hey this blog is a safe space for any and all real systems with a CDD đ"
.......
"Pro-endos DNI by the way!"
We feel as if we have seen an uptick in these posts/blogs recently. They're in the CDD tags, saying that they're safe for those with a CDD, while simultaneously saying that those with a CDD who have different opinions, are fake.
screenshots i had of a conversation with florality staff.
screenshots are in lightmode as that is what i use but i will include alt text, and even ignoring syscourse i want to point out how rude the staff was the entire time. i encourage you to read over this no matter your stance on syscourse, and make your own opinion on whether you wanna support florality or not.
DO NOT HARASS, INSTEAD BLOCK THEM, AND DO NOT ENGAGE PLEASE, i am posting this for awareness, not as cancel culture, alright? thank you and enjoy
the announcment i saw forwarded in another server, the reason i sent proof in the first place. here for context.
both documents i linked to them: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bLejRXsgJ3NRlHQOeXUe3lPtnBJ8qYj3Ope0-8QTRFY/edit?tab=t.0 and https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1FetfQO-EeQZcol0bDxG75kHXyPPBPgg4YwlWJOipwwk/edit?gid=0#gid=0
the attached screenshot:
the link mentioned by ark https://did-research.org/did/history/
note the putting down of looking at your system as multiple people, something those WITH cdds commonly do to heal. also, by this logic, then claiming to be multiple people would count as a totally seperate thing than did (being a fragmented state) but they contridict this later
jamie is refering to the first screenshot they attached, the things i linked; https://www.theguardian.com/books/2020/apr/27/majority-of-authors-hear-their-characters-speak-finds-study and https://lithub.com/lessons-learned-from-a-year-listening-to-the-fictional-octopus-in-my-head/ (which.. do somewhat prove endogenic plurality, in a specific context)
they seem to agree that multiple people in one head 1. is not what a CDD is and 2. occurs outside of did YET believe being a system/having alters is something only someone with DID or OSDD can do/have. that is a contridiction, no?
link i used: https://did-research.org/did/basics/dsm-5/ (note this is from the same website source ark linked earlier)
note i said i do experience the one criteria that describes HAVING ALTERS which they previously said can only happen with a system. they ignored that completely and instead chose to call me a singlet.
"stop romanticising a disorder." a disorder i had said multiple times i did not have and did not fit any of the criteria of except for one.
so, apparently, despite perfectly fitting the criteria that says you have alternative states, just because i dont have distress, i dont count as having those alternate states. this makes me question how theyd react to DID/OSDD systems who no longer find it distressing, but yk.
another headmate switched in at the last point, because he was a bit mad about being told he wasnt real (same, haha) so you can skip over it as it was over the conversation but you can also keep it in mind for your opinion on us. (name of another headmate censored for my privacy)
asked on the distress part:
ark then said "i dont see where im contridicting myself" and banned me. read and see what you think, i hope you all come up with your own opinions (even if that is thinking im the ass here, because thats equally as fair) but if youre supporting florality just like. keep it in mind
^ my ban message. the "lack thereof" part is quite rude in my opinion.
With all offence intended towards the florality staff speaking here (please don't harass or engage with them), this is by far one of the most stupid arguments we've seen to date -_-
Like, for one, we were NEVER covert. Itâs why we were first diagnosed at 17 in 1991 ffs. When one of your primary abusers is ALSO multiple, being covert doesnât get learned the same way. We LEARNED to be covert after LATER abuse and non acceptance from the ex, after we were diagnosed the SECOND time, ten years later.
For two, we have ALWAYS identified as âseparate peopleâ even before we knew what was going on. And we, personally, for ourselves, resent being called a âstate of consciousnessâ.
Every argument made by these people we BREAK. And weâre not even endo. (I think someone in the past here decided that mixed origins fit our understanding of our system, but mostly these days and those around now just ignore the origin labels.) We never experienced âdistressâ over being multiple, though yeah the other stuff they listed did cause distress.
But what I donât get is why they stress that DID is not an âalter disorderâ when 1) itâs one of the criteria and 2) going on to say you canât have alters without DID. Like which is it, my dude? Pick a side. It either is or it isnât but it canât be both.
This whole thing is just really frustrating for people like us, systems like us, who donât fit their very narrow view of how weâre supposed to just exist.
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I high key hate the idea that having systemmates is inherently distressing.
Can it be? Of course.
But having them can also be a huge source of comfort, joy, support, love, and the deepest level of understanding that any human can ever get because who else can literally feel what you feel and see your thoughts and understand those thoughts through your own perspective?
And for many systems, that's the baseline. Of course there's times when you won't agree or get along, but that doesn't make it *inherently* distressing.
Think about it as a parallel to family. A lot of people have dysfunctional, abusive, toxic family. But that doesn't make families in general an inherently dysfunctional thing. Because it's not always that as a baseline, standard thing.
This post is also NOT talking about this not-inherently-distressing thing as an exclusively endogenic nonCDD thing. For a lot of CDD systems, the distressing thing is the trauma and the general dissociation and depersonalization and derealization and memory issues, while their systemmates are what helps them the most with those things.
Also? I don't imagine that being told you're inherently causing distress feels good to hear as a systemmate. Might even, idk, make you feel distressed.
Years ago, when we first were coming to terms with being multiple, the main fronter at the time came to a similar conclusion. She felt strongly enough about it that she wrote about it and posted it on our website.
The thought was basically âyeah, the trauma crap sucks but the being multiple is not a horrible bad thingâ. Now, we also recognize that we are nothing close to a âtypicalâ system (if such exists). They had pretty good communication from the start (not always âagreeingâ just they didnât have to work at it like some people did) and most of the system was willing to do the work to get better. Plus they had to learn to be covert. (Their first diagnosis was at 17 which was 1991, when the average length of time to diagnosis was about seven years.)
They had decided and weâve all agreed that for us, being multiple is literally the reason we are even capable of being functional. Between the neurodivergent issues and chronic pain (which started when the body was 12, the chronic pain not the neurodivergence) and all the physical and other psychological problems we have, being multiple gives us a chance at a kinda ânormalâ life we wouldnât have otherwise.
And donât get me wrong, weâre still disabled. Thereâs still a lot we missed out on and canât do. But those things arenât being hampered because weâre multiple. Theyâre being hampered by everything else. But if we couldnât switch and painblock we would be bed bound. We all handle pain differently. We all handle our various physical and psychological problems differently. Some of us are better at it than others.
Is everything sweetness and light? Good gods no. Are there system mates that are problematic? Hell yes. But we are still here long past the time we thought we wouldnât be bc some of us were willing to fight when others had had enough.
Being many people in one body can cause problems, but itâs not THE problem, you know? Itâs just, how we exist.
As a (mostly) traumagenic collective who doesnât fit stereotypical presentation, weâve always been kind of on the fringes and not really fitting in anywhere. Back in the day, we had âtoo much traumaâ for some spaces and âtoo much weirdâ for other places. Itâs one of the reasons people here liked the DP list. They could just exist there without having to explain themselves.
Weâre not saying the DP list didnât have its problems and drama. It certainly did. But certain of our system mates that had no real place anywhere else found camaraderie there.
Weâre kind of leery about the âmodernâ plural community bc weâve seen so much more rabid infighting and bad takes. People seem so willing to throw other people under the bus for not being multiple ârightâ. So much energy seems directed at hating on people that could be better spent doing something constructive. I/ we donât understand it any better now than we did then.
And it still leaves people like us kind ofâŚon the outside looking in. Wondering if this is as good as it gets. Wondering if weâll ever fit anywhere.
