Ex-Radqueer Confessions

This is a safe space and free of judgement! If you are going to judge anyone here, just know YOU are the reason people turn to the radqueer community.

This blog was formerly known as anti-radqueer confessions.

Why am I radqueer-critical?

I believe the radqueer community does more harm than good. There is certainly good in giving people a community, especially when they're so often cast out. But within the radqueer community there is a lot of anti-recovery sentiment, and it has xenosatanist roots. It is also very possible to believe in parts of the radqueer community, while not agreeing with others.

What can be posted here?

Anything associated with radqueers, which includes but is not limited to: paraphilias, atypical dysphoria, endogenics, transID +alternatives, and darkfiction enjoyers.

If you want feedback, please just say so, if not I will not be replying to the confessions, just posting them.

Anyone, and I mean anyone, is welcome here. You do not need to have the same stances as me, your confessions will be posted regardless.

What can not be posted here?

Harassment of any kind. Whether that be toward me, other anons, or even radqueers. While you are allowed to disagree with any of the things discussed here, it is not a place for saying those opinions.

Important posts:

Flag I use.

More about us.

Personal stances.

Why the no harassment rule?

Why did the name change?

Credit for the name change.

Matteo (🔴 and another headmate fused and became me lol)

I love the term alterID, and I do think it's better. From what I know and have seen its against harmful transitioning unlike transIDs, and seperates itself from trangender, transspecies, and transracial (for adoptees), which has always been my main problem with the term transID.

If you want my opinion, I do still think no transID is inherently harmful. Transitioning may be harmful, and the specific individual identifying as such may be harmful, but the identity itself isn't hurting anyone. Like a transharmful individual who roleplays doing harm on their blog, isn't actually hurting someone, even if how they identify might seem concerning at first. But a transharmful individual who goes out and punches people, is actually harmful, since they actually caused harm onto someone. But they harmed someone because they wanted to, not just because they are transharmful.

But of course, this is my opinion and you are allowed to form your own. I hope others will provide their opinions in the comments.

Tags for this one are diverse so a multitude of folks can give their opinions.

Its pretty easy to ignore that part, really. Moderate has many meanings that fit what modqueer is, I think US politics was just the example given because there needed to be an example of the word.

I can practically hear the exhaustion and exasperation coming off the coining post, it is exactly how I feel.

Antipara pissed me off

No paraphiles should be jailed, killed, assaulted, abused for some unwanted thoughts, feelings

Thought crimes aren't real

This make my friend who is an autobiastophile, biastophile feel bad for having paraphilia and me, I'm a paraphile as well

One of reason why I switched to radqueer critical

I am generally pro transid + pro bodily autonomy, pro endo + other chosen identities, pro para + contact stance abolition (basically I just think the labels are useless in the long run - in terms of actually reducing harm/abuse/trauma - and we should focus on the individuals and presence of material harm instead on a case by case basis,) and anti censorship/pro fiction.

I find if I'm in any of these spaces on their own I run into issues clashing with my other beliefs.

Yet I just can't stand the vast majority of radqueer spaces online. They are so focused on the micro communities theyre in, and seem to spend the vast majority of their time either being directly harmful or laughably useless when it comes to "activism."

Like spending days arguing over the semantics of microlabels or entities v. beings v. creatures v. people, or just being hellbent on getting to do whatever they want at others' expense. Like those who view animals and children as both incapable of consent, but also don't care and only see them as sex objects to celebrate the trauma, harassment, and grooming of.

And if I decide to chance talking with a radqueer group, Im rarely accepted either way because of my "contact stance" / lack of specific one. Im either kicked from anti c groups for disagreeing that cops and the law should be involved in interpersonal relationships, or bringing up my non traumatizing experiences as a teen/tween in adult relationships. Or I'm kicked from pro c groups for thinking literal babies and toddlers shouldn't be groomed into sexual activity. Or that adult/youth relationships shouldnt necessarily be encouraged, just destigmatized.

It feels like no matter where I search, everybody wants me dead. Please give advice. I am so fucking isolated and desperate I just want to kill myself to make it stop because even interacting with strangers irl has gotten to the point of "they're going to figure you out and fucking kill you"

I feel like you could try to make your own community. Nobody deserves to feel that isolated or miserable. You can also try making friends and not bringing up your stances, I've found that a lot of the time it rarely comes up in conversation. It sounds like you experience a lot of paranoia in real life, so I recommend online spaces instead. I've personally never understood only having friends who agree with everything you say, I recommend making friends with those who disagree with you, it helps to make sure you're not in an echo chamber. Just be safe, do what you need to do to make sure you're not hurting others or yourself.

how do you feel about endos?

just since like we're quoigenic t at the moment

/genq /nf

Everyone is safe here, no matter their origin

It’s my transspecies doll bracelet. I wear it to connect me to my true identity, especially since I haven’t found many other ways to express it yet. Only problem is it’s in the colors of the radqueer transspecies doll flag. Made by a radqueer, I mean, not inherently having radqueer values in the coining. But it was made as a radqueer coining, by someone who was either pro-c or one of those fake anti-cs who’s suspiciously chill with being buddy-buddy with pro-cs.

I debate getting rid of it, but I can’t. It’s one of the only things I made while in radqueer spaces that I can’t get rid of.

I need to just actively interact with dollkin spaces and find other ways to feel valid as a doll while having to live a life of a human.

Although I could just keep using this flag as a non-rq. They don’t own the color combination.

- a paraphile who has been working on those things myself

I tend to ruminate of the nighttime, thinking of arguments that get Me really upset, and it makes Me unable to sleep. So I started putting on music. It gave Me something to focus on, so whenever I'm having thoughts I don't want, I focus on the lyrics, the instruments.

My wandering thoughts can lead to thinking of flashes of My family during private moments, which annoys Me, so I focus on one story - a crush, character, etc., I have music that is specifically for private moments, and if it's really bothersome, I look at things online to focus on.

[OCD anon post]

Thank you for this!

Trigger warning for a lot of stuff I’m seriously a disgusting human

The title isn’t engagement bait, and I need some advice or help because this is seriously ruining my life and I’m genuinely considering ending it I can’t stand to live another day in my head.

Some context-

I, 16f, have exposed myself to pornographic content since I was about 11 through fanfiction and explicit fanart. I’m not sure of my sexuality but I find myself romantically attracted to men but for some reason, probably due to the porn I’ve consumed, I finish fastest to the thought and sight of women.

I have OCD and have dealt with that from a very young age, and it mainly manifests through self harming behaviours like skin picking, hair pulling, cutting and scratching.

I have been in and out of therapy and am doing relatively better now, after being medicated, however I have never brought up this issue with a therapist or anything, this is my first time ever admitting this.

I think there are some wires crossed in my brain, because things that disgust me cause an unwanted genital reaction, especially to do with people coughing, sniffing, burping and sneezing. I can’t even hear or see someone sniff or blow their nose without feeling a pang of arousal which makes me want to cut or scratch or harm myself to like repent for these feelings.

My younger sister (11 years old now) used to pick her nose A LOT and for some reason that really caused arousal responses in me. I used to sit in the sitting room during lockdown (age ~11/12) under a blanket and touch myself and study her nostrils and watch as she would rub her nose and pick it and suck the snot off her fingers. It really disgusts me, but for some reason it also turns me on and I hate it.

I no longer get myself off as often as I did during lockdown, and I’ve never had any issues with like being stuck inside touching myself and missing out on other things because of it, I’m not addicted to masturbation.

However, every time I do touch myself, I can’t not think of my younger sister. Either her picking her nose, or sometimes flashes of her genitals (I’ve never actively sought out seeing her, but you know we’re siblings it’s gonna happen once or twice that when we’re young we will see eachother naked).

And the issue is, nothing makes me finish faster than those paedophilic, incestuous thoughts. I don’t know why, I feel sick to my stomach I can’t cope anymore. I just want to be fucking normal I’m so disgusting I hate myself. After I finish it’s not even “post nut clarity” it’s post orgasm suicidal thoughts. I want to kill myself.

Can someone please tell me if I’m a horrible horrible person or if this is a thing that happens to other people I seriously need help. I can’t stop I even feel slightly aroused just writing about this and now I feel like I need to vomit or hurt myself or something this is genuinely a cry for help if anyone has any experience with this sort of thing or knows stuff about psychology please comment I can’t deal with this anymore.

Idk if this is even related to ur blog but I NEEDED to get this off my chest

Thoughts don't make you a bad person, and in my opinion they don't even make you gross. Only actions hurt other folks, your thoughts can only hurt you.

Unfortunately this is not a problem I know a lot about, so if anyone has advice, please share.

What I realised is that some of My transharmed experience was out of a desire to be taken seriously, rather than a desire to be hurt.

But the want to be raped was more of a CNC thing, wanting to be desired so greatly that someone disregards that I'm saying "no".

The first example is what I think a large amount of transharmed AND transharmful identities are about. Wanting to reclaim your agency, to be taken seriously. "If it were worse, people would care about it" but if they don't care now, who's to say they will?

You need to care for you. YOU are the one who has always been with yourself, and will be for your entire life.

I have recently been trying to change My thoughts, when I am comforting Myself by imagining characters helping Me, with My thought of "no one would really do this" to "I am doing this, because I care".

Strategies like these are what I took from DBT, and even watching some "therapist plays" playthroughs of games. Reframing things to be at least neutral, if not acknowledge the reality of your strengths, is something that will gradually enhance distress tolerance!

I’m not anymore. Obviously. I know why you shouldn’t use stuff like that as “transids”. I read the criticism. About why it’s harmful. I’m done. But sometimes I do still wish… you know.

My sexual assault was less than two weeks past my 18th birthday. Literally, it would have happened to a legal minor if it was less than a month earlier.

I spend so much time trying to awkwardly justify it, too. “Well, they didn’t actually, like, actually go as far as they could have. It was inappropriate… but never… you know” “Well, it could have gone on for longer. I know you spent multiple hours terrified… but… it could have been multiple more hours?” And then I think of that exact night beat for beat happening to a child and I want to break someone’s jaw. “Okay, but you weren’t a child. Just barely, but you weren’t”

I’m also a frequent age regressor and I sometimes wonder if my regressed age counts for anything. I know it doesn’t and I also don’t remember if I ever actually regressed that night either. I’m just fishing for ways to make it count.

I know these feelings aren’t exactly healthy to just slap a transid flag on and call it good. And that I shouldn’t envy that experience. And that the transharmed community as a whole is so fucking toxic and predatory (part of why I quit was the constant “conabuse” relationships between minors and adults getting treated like no biggie).

I’m not sure why I’m sending this vent in. Support? Advice? Absolution? I don’t know. Anti-radqueers on the other side (I mean, I suppose we’re technically on the same side now), if you ever wondered why people are transid for horrible things like that… yeah. This is why.

Your not wrong for it. Folks often take CSA much more seriously than just SA. Wishing it were worse so you'd be taken seriously, either by others or yourself, is extremely common in trauma victims. You deserve to be taken seriously, and your feelings about it are completely valid. I'm glad you did what you think is right, and hopefully you're doing what you need to heal from it.