#ocd help

Trigger warning for a lot of stuff I’m seriously a disgusting human

The title isn’t engagement bait, and I need some advice or help because this is seriously ruining my life and I’m genuinely considering ending it I can’t stand to live another day in my head.

Some context-

I, 16f, have exposed myself to pornographic content since I was about 11 through fanfiction and explicit fanart. I’m not sure of my sexuality but I find myself romantically attracted to men but for some reason, probably due to the porn I’ve consumed, I finish fastest to the thought and sight of women.

I have OCD and have dealt with that from a very young age, and it mainly manifests through self harming behaviours like skin picking, hair pulling, cutting and scratching.

I have been in and out of therapy and am doing relatively better now, after being medicated, however I have never brought up this issue with a therapist or anything, this is my first time ever admitting this.

I think there are some wires crossed in my brain, because things that disgust me cause an unwanted genital reaction, especially to do with people coughing, sniffing, burping and sneezing. I can’t even hear or see someone sniff or blow their nose without feeling a pang of arousal which makes me want to cut or scratch or harm myself to like repent for these feelings.

My younger sister (11 years old now) used to pick her nose A LOT and for some reason that really caused arousal responses in me. I used to sit in the sitting room during lockdown (age ~11/12) under a blanket and touch myself and study her nostrils and watch as she would rub her nose and pick it and suck the snot off her fingers. It really disgusts me, but for some reason it also turns me on and I hate it.

I no longer get myself off as often as I did during lockdown, and I’ve never had any issues with like being stuck inside touching myself and missing out on other things because of it, I’m not addicted to masturbation.

However, every time I do touch myself, I can’t not think of my younger sister. Either her picking her nose, or sometimes flashes of her genitals (I’ve never actively sought out seeing her, but you know we’re siblings it’s gonna happen once or twice that when we’re young we will see eachother naked).

And the issue is, nothing makes me finish faster than those paedophilic, incestuous thoughts. I don’t know why, I feel sick to my stomach I can’t cope anymore. I just want to be fucking normal I’m so disgusting I hate myself. After I finish it’s not even “post nut clarity” it’s post orgasm suicidal thoughts. I want to kill myself.

Can someone please tell me if I’m a horrible horrible person or if this is a thing that happens to other people I seriously need help. I can’t stop I even feel slightly aroused just writing about this and now I feel like I need to vomit or hurt myself or something this is genuinely a cry for help if anyone has any experience with this sort of thing or knows stuff about psychology please comment I can’t deal with this anymore.

Idk if this is even related to ur blog but I NEEDED to get this off my chest

Thoughts don't make you a bad person, and in my opinion they don't even make you gross. Only actions hurt other folks, your thoughts can only hurt you.

Unfortunately this is not a problem I know a lot about, so if anyone has advice, please share.

Idk if this will actually be seen by the right people, but I'm not really prepared for everyone I know in my personal life to see this, so I'm just posting here, hoping that shouting into the void might help me.

I am officially diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, have depression and anxiety (medicated), have chronic illness of the tummy troubles variety, and today, after making a little joke in an ADHD group about "lol just adhd things" several people, and I do mean several came back and said, "um...those are classic signs of OCD."

So I did what any millennial would do, and I did a little research, and after taking an online assessment from a reputable psych website, it claims I show signs of moderate OCD.

I have harm OCD. I feel like I can’t share anything going on that is distressing me because if other people knew they would look at me differently and I couldn’t blame them.

I’m not a violent person. I would never hurt anything or any one, but the shit that goes through my head is jsut downright disturbing. Things happening to me. Things I do to other people. Every other thought through my head makes me physically sick to my stomach. I can’t be in public for long amounts of times without panic attacks. I struggle to be around animals, which are my favorite things in the world.

It makes you feel like you’re disgusting, perverted, the problem with society. You’re the bad guy. It’s not true, that’s what OCD is it’s an anxiety disorder. It grabs onto the things your most afraid of and don’t want to think about and shoves it to the front of your mind for hours, days, weeks at a time.

For friends with ocd:

-you are loved

-you are not a bad person for having thoughts you cannot control. You are not a bad person.

-these are not urges they are intrusive thoughts. You do not want to do these things, they are simply thoughts.

-it is OK TO SHARE WITH PEOPLE YOU FEEL SAFE WITH! The more distressed you get about intrusive thoughts the worse they get! Seeking help is always the best option!

So uhhhhh I just got diagnosed with ocd… anyone else here have ocd and is willing to have a chat about it?

Lots of love!

Riot