#ocd help

I tend to ruminate of the nighttime, thinking of arguments that get Me really upset, and it makes Me unable to sleep. So I started putting on music. It gave Me something to focus on, so whenever I'm having thoughts I don't want, I focus on the lyrics, the instruments.

My wandering thoughts can lead to thinking of flashes of My family during private moments, which annoys Me, so I focus on one story - a crush, character, etc., I have music that is specifically for private moments, and if it's really bothersome, I look at things online to focus on.

[OCD anon post]

Thank you for this!

Trigger warning for a lot of stuff I’m seriously a disgusting human

The title isn’t engagement bait, and I need some advice or help because this is seriously ruining my life and I’m genuinely considering ending it I can’t stand to live another day in my head.

Some context-

I, 16f, have exposed myself to pornographic content since I was about 11 through fanfiction and explicit fanart. I’m not sure of my sexuality but I find myself romantically attracted to men but for some reason, probably due to the porn I’ve consumed, I finish fastest to the thought and sight of women.

I have OCD and have dealt with that from a very young age, and it mainly manifests through self harming behaviours like skin picking, hair pulling, cutting and scratching.

I have been in and out of therapy and am doing relatively better now, after being medicated, however I have never brought up this issue with a therapist or anything, this is my first time ever admitting this.

I think there are some wires crossed in my brain, because things that disgust me cause an unwanted genital reaction, especially to do with people coughing, sniffing, burping and sneezing. I can’t even hear or see someone sniff or blow their nose without feeling a pang of arousal which makes me want to cut or scratch or harm myself to like repent for these feelings.

My younger sister (11 years old now) used to pick her nose A LOT and for some reason that really caused arousal responses in me. I used to sit in the sitting room during lockdown (age ~11/12) under a blanket and touch myself and study her nostrils and watch as she would rub her nose and pick it and suck the snot off her fingers. It really disgusts me, but for some reason it also turns me on and I hate it.

I no longer get myself off as often as I did during lockdown, and I’ve never had any issues with like being stuck inside touching myself and missing out on other things because of it, I’m not addicted to masturbation.

However, every time I do touch myself, I can’t not think of my younger sister. Either her picking her nose, or sometimes flashes of her genitals (I’ve never actively sought out seeing her, but you know we’re siblings it’s gonna happen once or twice that when we’re young we will see eachother naked).

And the issue is, nothing makes me finish faster than those paedophilic, incestuous thoughts. I don’t know why, I feel sick to my stomach I can’t cope anymore. I just want to be fucking normal I’m so disgusting I hate myself. After I finish it’s not even “post nut clarity” it’s post orgasm suicidal thoughts. I want to kill myself.

Can someone please tell me if I’m a horrible horrible person or if this is a thing that happens to other people I seriously need help. I can’t stop I even feel slightly aroused just writing about this and now I feel like I need to vomit or hurt myself or something this is genuinely a cry for help if anyone has any experience with this sort of thing or knows stuff about psychology please comment I can’t deal with this anymore.

Idk if this is even related to ur blog but I NEEDED to get this off my chest

Thoughts don't make you a bad person, and in my opinion they don't even make you gross. Only actions hurt other folks, your thoughts can only hurt you.

Unfortunately this is not a problem I know a lot about, so if anyone has advice, please share.

New International Version

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And there are so many more!

And i would also like to encourage any of you dealing with fear of *anything and everything* to maybe read up on OCD, because as it would be that was part of the struggle for me🫢

So anyways so MUCH LOVE to ALL of YOU!