Digmbot's Evil Laboratory of Games and Intrigue

So I recently discovered there's a produce rescue in my state that purchases unsold wholesale produce at the border to prevent it from being tossed in the landfill. They then sell it off at hella cheap prices. You don't get to pick what's in your box, but, uh. It's 70 pounds of produce for $15, you get what you get and if you're like me you will figure out what to do with it rather than let it go to waste.

Anyway, my last box included an absolutely insane number of Persian cucumbers. So I decided I'd try something I've wanted to try for years, because if I wrecked one or two in the process it wasn't as big a disaster as if I'd tried it with expensive store bought ones, and...

I can make my own glatt kosher dill pickles now, and holy crap, Vlasic can eat its heart out. Mine are crunchier, more flavorful, better-cut and kept perfectly good food from being thrown away, doing them with my produce box meant they were about 1/8 the price, and also pickling is very easy but people think you're amazing and fancy if you pickle your own stuff.

Also if anyone is in Arizona and wants in on this action, it's called Borderlands P.O.W.W.O.W. (Produce On Wheels WithOut Waste) and you can find them here. Here's what my last box looked like:

I should note that's what's left after I split the box half and half with a friend.

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHITBALLS THIS IS AMAZING!!! Thank you so much for sharing this extremely frugal win AND telling the rest of us how to get in on it. With grocery prices the way they are, this is sure to keep a lot of people from going hungry or missing out on necessary nutrition. I encourage everyone outside of Arizona to look for similar programs in your state! (Though I suspect it's mostly only applicable to border states.)

Also, drop that super crunchy pickle recipe, baby.

Here's more advice:

How to Shop for Groceries like a Boss 

You Should Learn To Cook. Here's Why. 

--1/2 cup white vinegar

--1tbsp white sugar

--1 1/2 tsp kosher salt

--grab a bottle of dried dill and just kinda hang onto that

--4-6 ice cubes, or you can use 1/2 cup of cold water if you're afraid of eyeballing cooldown times (I recommend the ice tho)

--cucumbers 1) slice your cucumbers into coins. I used just under three Persian cucumbers and repeated the experiment later with about 2/3 of one of those giant-ass English cucumbers that's as long as your arm. You will almost definitely have to eat a little bit of unpickled cucumber. Or put it on your eyes and pretend you're at the spa with Oscar Isaac handing you a fruity drink with an umbrella, I'm not the boss of you.

2) layer the coins into your glass jar, with a pinch of dill between each layer. Your layers will probably be flat-ish, not actually flat. This is okay and normal.

2a) (some people will say to just dump a teaspoon of dill in there and call it a day. You can do that. I think layering it helps to provide stronger pickles, but it's your kitchen and your pickles, you get to call this shot.)

3) heat your vinegar, sugar, and salt, stirring gently until everything is dissolved. I've never had mine go as far as boiling, but it does get pretty hot, so watch your hands. Congratulations! You've made brine. (Yes, it's really that simple.)

4) put your jar on top of a potholder, paper towel, or trivet--basically you just want a layer of neutral between your about-to-be-hot jar and your cold counter. Pour the brine slowly into the jar. "Slowly" here just means "in a steady stream you can control without dribbling all over the place."

5) put in your ice cubes ONE!!! AT!!!! A!!!! TIME!!!! I cannot emphasize this strongly enough! This isn't one of those "and if you don't remove the souffle at exactly 37.542 seconds at precisely the speed of 1/28th miles per hour then it will collapse" things, but it is an "if you let the brine cool too quickly you will crack or even shatter your jar" thing. You don't have to move like a snail, but please. One at a time. A second or two is all it needs before the next one goes in, but it does need that second or two.

6) put on the lid and stick it in the fridge.

7) shake it once a day. There is no precise timing on this. It just makes sure any cucumbers that've gotten too cozy-cozy with each other get fully dilled and brined.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO ?????

(The best of this post and its reblogs, but with links that work)

Here is a website where you can scroll down to all the different levels of the ocean 

Here is a website where you can see the future of the universe (can get a bit bleak just a head’s up!)

Here is a website where you can press a ‘make everything okay’ button, over and over, until things really are okay

Here is a website that you can read if you feel like a burden

Here is a website where you can look at strobe illusions (TW strobe/flashing)

Here is a website where you can cut stuff up (TW blood/sh)

Here and here are websites where you can play with sand

Here is a website where you can draw with macaroni and other fun foods

Here is a website where you can paint someone’s nails

Here is a website where you can grow a garden with emojis

Here is a website with hundreds of videos of people hugging you (rightfully dubbed ‘the nicest place on the internet’ because it really is, y’all, it made me cry)

Here is a website that will take you to other useless websites

Here is a website where you can make a tiny cat play bongo drums (and other instruments!)

Here is a website to help give you gentle reminders <3

Here is a website where you can grow a tiny farm

Here is a website where you can take a bunch of scientific personality tests

Here is a website of calm rain noise