renaissance girl…

So at the very beginning of the play there was a scene where Macbeth and Lady Macbeth are at a funeral as the primary mourners. A stretcher is carried on with a covered body. The body was notably very small. They laid flowers on it and Macbeth immediately left for battle.

Now *I* studied Shakespeare in college so I immediately knew there is one single line that implies that the Macbeths lost a child at some point. Most of the time this isn't utilized in productions; it's just a throwaway line, intended to paint just how determined Lady M is for this regicide thing to work and how furious she is that her husband has cold feet. In this production she delivers "I have given suck, and know how tender tis to love the babe that milks me" nearly in tears. She takes a moment to steel herself before saying, "I would while it was smiling in my face, have plucked my nipple from his boneless gums and dashed the brains pit, had I so sworn" and she very nearly SCREAMED this in Macbeth's face.

Also noted was how the Macbeths looked at Macduff's children. Lady M was clutching her heart, nearly breaking watching them embrace their parents. Macbeth could not even look at them.

At the end of Lady Macbeth's plot, when she is sleepwalking and sleeptalking, she is typically portrayed as speaking to no one or to her husband. However, at a certain point of her monologue she got on her knees, raised her voice to a comforting octave, and began miming tear wiping, hand holding, hair and face stroking, around a child-sized figure. "Wash your hands, put on your nightgown, look not so pale. I tell you yet again, Banquo’s buried; he cannot come out on’s grave." Then she stands and appears to take the child's hand. "Go to bed, go to bed. I can hear knocking at the gate-" then she looks down and realizes that no one is there, followed be the most heartbreaking shriek I've ever heard followed by a full minute of her just weeping while curled up on the floor before she stood up, finished her monologue and left the stage.

Most of the time when the loss of a child is utilized in a performance or adaptation, it is assumed that the child was an infant and lost some time ago. To imply that the child died IMMEDIATELY prior to the events of the play and had been cared for and loved by their parents for a few years adds such a fascinating layer to the desperation to ascend to the throne, Lady M's madness, and Macbeth's initial hesitation into "in for a penny, in for a pound" attitude, Macbeth's fury that Banquo's, not his, children will take the throne, and even Macbeth's eventual demise following a frenzied final battle.

How far will grief push you to fill a hole? How far will grief push you to desperation? And what happens when none of your new pursuits are filling the void left by the one you lost? And what happens when you realize you have nothing left to lose?

omggggg

pack it up boys we've made a social blunder

let's run that again

one more time normal style

I'm going to become a statistic

further proof god is out to get me

it's because I tore my acl senior year

I couldn't do it for religious reasons

my ex took my talent in the divorce

While we don't often do the typical watering down of characters you'll see elsewhere, I've realized that with TLT, a lot of the reads that bother me ultimately seem to boil down to people underestimating just how sad everyone is, or "knowing" it but not fully understanding just how deeply it affects them.

We'll talk about how part of the point of the series is that the price of love is invariably grief, but I feel like that grief isn't always given the weight it truly deserves.

And it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. I've almost never seen people downplaying what a sad wet cat Harrow is, but I do sometimes see her treated as a lot more... overconfident? elitist? than she really is? Those aren't the right words and she definitely IS very strongly those things, but I've seen people exaggerate that in a way that ignores some of her sadness and compassion, if that makes sense. Still, not "too" bad. And a few characters like Cam, yeah maybe people focus more on her badassery sometimes, but I don't really see anyone underselling the tragedy. And I'm glad!

But then there's the really big obvious one with Kiriona. The number of people who actively dislike her or straight up think she's not Gideon, who miss the moments of compassion that seep through even with abrasive as she's actively trying to be. As if it's not so similar to when she was like, nope! She's out! "Might as well leave [my stitches] in until I'm done getting people bumped off, am I right!" As if she hasn't been an asshole the whole time. But also, as if she hasn't spent the last six months coping with learning her mother only conceived her to kill her, and not knowing if Harrow is still alive or if she'll ever see her again, and having everything she ever wanted to earn just handed to her because of something she had no control over, denying her the chance to ever really prove herself in the process. As if she wasn't ALSO just baited into the first Griddlehark kiss only for it to not really be Harrow, and worse, to be Harrow's bullshit dead girlfriend wearing her body. Of course she's pissed, of course she's miserable.

And there's just Gideon, who does sometimes get watered down into the funny cocky half golden retriever half douchebag, and it's a fun vibe for sure, but at the end of the day, it's always been a mask. She does love swords and working out, but even working out became a comfort because it was something she had control over, could do completely on her own to make her feel like she was making any sort of progress toward getting away from this hellhole. You don't try to run away 87 times without being really miserable and desperate.

And like. Yeah anyone following me knows we'd be here all damn day if I got too started on John, but short version this is not a power-hungry asshole who enjoys lording over people, this is a guy who doesn't want power but is terrified of anyone else taking it if he doesn't, a guy who refuses to ever be powerless again, and most importantly, a guy driven almost entirely by fear and guilt and desparation to "fix" everything he's done. I absolutely believe to the depths of my soul that his crown is a mourning wreath and he wears those baby bones to force himself to literally bear the weight of his sins, so he'll never forget what he's done or be tempted to think he's allowed to let it go. He can't accept the "stains", he needs to make things "clean." There are multiple implications he doesn't intend to survive whatever he needs to do to Make Things Right. Kiriona is the saddest girl in the universe and she 10,000% gets it from her dad.

And then there's all the Lyctors, but very especially Mercymorn. And we're gonna really buckle in for this one.

Because man, I get it. She's so mean and angry and I am also swooning for those parts of her. But people will acknowledge she's a walking pile of grief and then treat that anger as her defining trait. No, she's miserable. Augustine is miserable. G1deon is miserable. Cytherea, for all her coy and silly moments and vengeful plans, was miserable. They're all exhausted; compelled to keep going, but actively dreaming of finally being allowed to die. And all of them, in spite of everything, still loved John to their deaths, and everything hurt so much more because they did. It isn't "betrayal" if you didn't trust the person who betrayed you.

And with Mercy in particular, she cares so much, about everything all the time, and really can't make it stop. She sees Harrow being attacked and gets exasperated at herself for stepping in even as she manipulates her body to replicate powerful pain meds. The entire Acid Jail speech is screaming that at the end of the day, what she often fantasizes about is John finally understanding everyone else's suffering enough to stop what he's been doing and get his shit together and thank her for helping him get there. She chooses the meanest way to say nearly everything but the patterns in what she's saying reveal so much.

Her anger is a wall, erected to keep everyone away, to isolate herself on purpose, because caring hurts too much; because getting attached means eventually losing someone else and she cannot bear any more grief; because if she allowed herself any real anchor other than her duty to stop John's madness, she might hesitate to kill herself once it's finally over, and she so deeply wants to die.

Her anger is a shelter and an anchor in itself. It's safe, in the same way Augustine is safe, hatred is safe. If she allowed herself any shred of Joy, wouldn't that be tantamount to moving on? To letting go? Wouldn't that be betraying Cristabel, to ever be happy again without her? No, she refuses. She made her House a monument to Cris's fascination with the soul, not her own unparalleled skill with flesh. She doesn't want to be here or anywhere without her, but at first, dying after Cris died to make her immortal would be making her death pointless, and later, she realized John needed to be stopped and had a duty to see that through. So anger helps her keep going. Anger is better than emptiness. When anger is the only fuel you have, the only thing that can still light a fire in you, you cling and cling and cling. You lean into it, you look for reasons to be pissed off on purpose. You erode your patience into nothing until every tiniest slight is reason to be on a warpath. Because you have a job to do, and you can't let yourself stop until you get it done, and if you ever let that fire go out, you're not sure you'd ever get it started again.

And even then, the quiet misery can't fully be masked. There's the total deflation, the full-bore unalloyed relief when Harrow says she's too young to be hers. There's her seeing Gideon like the picture in the dictionary next to unhappiness, like someone who'd just seen their true love kicked into a meat grinder and come out as a pile of sausages. There's her becoming a crumple of misery confronting John, and most of all, the distant almost dissociative calm when she thinks the deed is finally done. How much all that anger simply evaporates, how she barely has the energy left to protest when Augustine says she still has to keep going. This isn't a woman who was ever going to be satisfied by violence, or by anything at all, but one who cared too much for humanity to ever just leave it to die.

And then there's Alecto. Alecto who was switched off in the middle of "I still love y" and woke up with the "you" still on her lips. Alecto who had a piece of her experience a whole beautiful life full of love, and in that form lamented how hard it was being happy when everyone around her wasn't, yet who is constantly pushing down guilt and grief that she can't even place. Identifying the Sixth House committee as something wonderful in the tunnels, not being sad that Pal does necromancy, but also being sad that he can do it. Alecto who only ever wanted to be herself and hated playing pretend, Alecto who was only ever afraid to die. Alecto whose first thought when the dust settles is "you betrayed my trust", whose second thought is "you made me so unnatural and ugly", and whose third is "what have you done with the rest of my children." A being who thought twice first about herself, because just like Nona also shows, she is selfish, she is vain, and why the hell shouldn't she be? But that doesn't invalidate how right at the heels of that was her grief. She won't be satisfied by violence, either. She certainly wasn't before.

I could go on. The tragedy of Colum Asht and Naberius Tern, both bred to be used as tools. Silas's seeming lack of even an understanding of humor or joy because he's been raised to be this beacon of purity and reason and rules. Judith growing up with so much pressure on her and feeling like she's failed at every single thing she's ever done. Palamedes, overall a fucking beacon of shining hope compared to everyone else in this series, never truly meeting the woman he'd adored his whole life, the only time he ever directly touched her when he unknowingly fingered her ashes, carried by Camilla and feeling as though just existing in their lives has hurt every woman he's ever loved. Corona terrified of herself, begging Judith to bind her down and keep her from getting worse. Even Ianthe, crying herself to sleep every night for months, pining for a girl who refuses to let go of something she doesn't even remember, struggling to cope with having expectations she can't meet for the first time in her life and reaching a point of trying in vain to stab her own arm off.

Some might've gotten by a little better than others. Magnus and Abigail are a terrifying force not to be underestimated but even in death seem content enough with their lots. Dulcie for all her terrible circumstances, or maybe even because of them, might be one of the least sad characters in the series.

not even any good takes just the same things regugetated since 2015