A tiny counterpoint to just one part but it honestly makes it even worse: Muir said just recently he didn't want to totally mindwipe or rewrite his friends. "He wanted his friends, so he tried to bring back his friends", key word tried of course.
Under all the circumstances we don't even know for sure if he genuinely wanted to wipe anything or if that's another lie he told himself to maintain the illusion of control. That is, it seems equally likely that he tried to wipe their memories of just the past [few days? year?] but didn't have that kind of precision and wiped too much, OR that resurrection is a misnomer and each of them is more like a simulacrum of their past counterparts built on John's memories, such that he never could have made them exactly like they were, but he's lying to himself that they're totally super definitely just a little different because, um, he must have wiped that part, for their own sanity, that's it, it's better this way.
But no matter what the deal is there, he sure did take advantage of it. He sure has kept secrets from them and intentionally misled them and went "sure, let's go with that" when they assume wrong about things and all kinds of other shit trying to keep them happy and loyal.
And not only has it not worked, not only is everyone miserable, but he never had to do all that. He never had to manipulate them into loyalty. There was no such narrative built up when Earth first chose him, and whether they're still mostly those people or copies, it doesn't change that those first versions of them chose to stay. They threw away their careers. They abandoned their families, all except A— dragging along his little brother. Even the people he wasn't as close to at first, the ones that came for their mutual loved ones, stayed to the very end, never tried to get out, never betrayed him. Everyone loved him. Everyone believed in him. Just based on who he was, or who he'd been...
And then fast forward a myriad, and what does Mercy say her final day?
“John, if you’d lied to me about anything else, about how the planet died, about the extinction of our species … or if you’d just admitted everything and said your hand was forced, or that it was for the common good, and said nice-sounding nonsense—I would have forgiven you.”
She's been working with Blood of Eden for centuries. She knows. At the very least, she knows how they tell it, even if she might not be 100% certain if or how much they're right. She knows he would surely have some nice-sounding nonsense, if he ever explained at all. She still believes in him enough to know he'd have wanted to do good. And she's straight up telling him here, without quite saying that she's heard it all before, that if BoE are right, she's already forgiven him.
And he still won't admit it. He still keeps those secrets, still lets them believe a lie that's far worse TO THEM because it doesn't feel "as bad" to him, and he can't get out of his own head long enough to even consider the difference.
They all loved him, they all wanted to believe in him, and he wouldn't fucking let them. He refused to believe in them, refused to believe he'd ever be worthy of that love, so the only way to keep them was obviously to maintain control of them. Tell them they have to stay close "to avoid straining his power" when he can set theorems half the universe away and forget about them. Anything to keep them from leaving him. Which in turn means he further can't trust that they actually love him, because obviously they wouldn't if he wasn't manipulating them into it, so he's just playing house taking the closest thing he can get. Never understanding the real thing was always right there.
I truly believe that in our most terrible hours we don’t instinctively reach out to God; we push ourselves away from Him. [...] Fear doesn’t help us achieve a state of grace; it deafens the heart.
He even distanced himself from Alecto largely for them, even she says it was to appease them. Out of fear. Rage and grief and guilt and so much fear. And it never helped. He never had to do all that. And now all he's ever done is ruin everything for everyone, including himself.
blakekathryn
origamiaround
