The lost property cupboard

The only thing that’d be more potentially embarrassing than my internet history would be my calculator history, a chronicle of all the painfully simple math I couldn’t manage to do in my head.

I started using Head and Shoulders ten years ago for itchy scalp and dandruff, and then for ten years I have not had itchy scalp and dandruff, so I thought “why do I still buy shampoo to combat itchy scalp and dandruff when I do not have itchy scalp and dandruff,” so I stopped buying the shampoo for itchy scalp and dandruff and can you guess I have now? Can you predict what currently afflicts me? It’s alright if you can’t because apparently I fuckin couldn’t either

Cutting something out of your life because you think you don’t need it any more only to realize that it was in fact working as intended and preventing a problem that will return should you stop doing this is a good experiment to run periodically with something small like dandruff shampoo, lest you start to think it would be a good idea to do this with like let’s say public health and the social safety net and vaccines

#you are not immune to the recency bias(via@arrows-for-pens)

Every person on earth needs to read this post. It will make people’s lives a lot better and lessen the crises everyone faces in day-to-day lives.

all i need is a sweet treat. and six thousand dollars

just saw a pigeon doing the puffed up courtship dance thing to another pigeon, and as he was strutting around he suddenly stopped for a split second to do a very brief preen-peck at his own side, then returned to the strutting around. and i surprised myself by instantly losing respect for the male pigeon in that moment, like come on man i appreciate you had an itch or whatever but how is she supposed to feel special when you're getting distracted by bullshit like that? which on reflection i don't endorse, i mean those are pretty harsh dating norms i'm imposing on these pigeons, from a total outsider perspective, for no reason. probably not all girl pigeons are as uptight about that sort of thing as i would apparently be if i was a girl pigeon, maybe she even found it endearing who knows, i don't know her. it's none of my business really. sorry pigeons.

my excessive use of commas and my love of run on sentences is alluring and attractive to my readers

LETS BRING BACK 1337 SPEAK 

I THoUGHT YOU MEANT THE YEAR

my l0rd, t3h p34s4nt5 4r3 r3v01t1ng! W3 mu5t s411y f0rth 4g41n5t th3m 4thw1th!

Happy ten years of being so old no one knows what 1337 is

tbh if someone just handed me a pressure washer and set me loose in the streets i would go into a trance and just start hosing shit down indiscriminately. it's not a question of how much i could clean, but how long until i get hit by a car and die

Hate when I see someone say something like, "I wish they counted fanfiction as reading." And like, who is they? Who is the invisible audience dictating your life? You can do whatever you want.

You know you've fucked up when you go to a doctor and the thing you have wrong with you has been named after an occupation that isn't a thing anymore. Like imagine a doctor looking at you and going "yeah you've got ox-drawn ploughman's disease. We don't even test for that anymore. Yeah the reason you've never heard of it is because the last known case was in 1927 and happened to some guy who was like 98 years old and didn't believe in modern medicine of the time. What the fuck have you been up to."

Here in Sweden we have a pretty active larping community and many of them have a historical setting. I remember a story of a really awesome WW2 larp where, unfortunately, one of the participants hadn't removed his boots for three days straight and it rained the whole time. His feet suffered so much that he had to be taken to the hospital, which was a sight to behold. See, this guy covered in mud and wearing authentic WW2 gear had managed to get an incredibly historically correct case of trench foot. From a trench.

SMOKED SALMON IS THE ONLY THING THAT NUMBS THE PAIN

the heroine of rebecca is so fucking funny because she will just go off on a tangent where she imagines what will happen if she does something and it will be three pages of her going into the most DETAILED FUCKING DAYDREAM you have ever heard, complete with subplots and dialogue, meanwhile in the real world she has not moved or said anything she's just sitting on the floor catastrophizing while everyone around her is carrying on as normal because they haven't noticed she hasn't contributed to the conversation for the last 10 minutes. the guy she likes will tell her to her face "i am hanging out with you because i like spending time with you, i am not playing games or being nice or speaking with any double meaning" and she's like "sounds fake." she starts a small fire in a hotel room while her fiancé and employer are in the NEXT ROOM talking about her because she's convinced she'll never live up to her man's ex and she wants to take her mind off it. her best friend is a dog. she tries to climb out a window to avoid meeting her in-laws. girl is mentally unwell! 10/10 anxiety representation.

okay first of all unclench your jaw

If you're a new writer and you're asking yourself "is this too personal, is this too much, will people think this is weird" that feeling is the exact location of your actual voice. The stuff that makes you want to close the laptop is the stuff nobody else could write. The safe version is always worse. Always. I have never once read something and thought "this would have been better if it was a little less honest." go further. It's always go further.