Fanfic writing tip: keep character descriptions simple
I've reached my limit.
If you write a fic and describe the characters as:
the tall one
the animagus
the short one
the sweat-clad one
the raven-haired one
the werewolf
...then your fic is now unreadable to my brain. It's not a choice, my brain just shuts down as soon as it comes across one of these terribly conceived phrases. Describing characters like this is rarely found in published fiction, and in poor fanfiction, it can be found as often as once a paragraph.
Much much MUCH better alternatives for you, free of charge:
he
she
they
their name
Why are these boring-ass singular words better? Because they help the author disappear.
When you tell a verbal story to a friend, you just say "they", because it's simple and it WORKS. As soon as you start saying "the short one" it points out things the reader doesn't need to know or doesn't need to be reminded of, AND it reminds the reader an author wrote this. I'm instantly pulled out of what should be an immersive experience and into the room where the writer is sitting, trying to come up with a "creative" way to describe the character.
Trust me when I say a pronoun or name is better. To prove this, let's play a game.
Which one sounds better?
Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, trying to convey all of his relief through a fierce hug.
The taller one wrapped his arms around the shorter one, trying to convey all of his relief through a fierce hug.
š
Do you get it now? Good. Now keep writing and please take this lesson with you. Sometimes simpler is better.
omg this this this
Please
Also, I absolutely donāt want to shit on anyoneās feelings here because weāve all been at the stage of writing about āthe taller oneā and āthe shorter oneā - youāre learning and youāre finding your voice and thatās okay. Keep going, keep learning. Itās not your fault that you do this - itās how you were taught to write in school. You were taught to vary your word choice as much as possible to avoid full repetition, but you were never taught when it isnāt necessary.
Using phrases like āthe taller oneā and āthe shorter oneā is straight up bad writing for three reasons:
Like OP said, it breaks the immersion of your story. You never want your reader to remember that theyāre reading. Keep them in the moment
Itās clunky and awkward to read. Unnecessary descriptors will break the flow of your narrative. Ideally you want to use as few words as possible.
You are, inevitability, going to describe your character in a way that your reader doesnāt agree with. Sirius and Remus and their heights are actually the perfect example of this because nobody can seem to agree who is taller and who is shorter (Sirius is canonically tall and Remus is canonically average height, sorry if you disagree) so if you use height descriptors, youāve immediately alienated half your audience. This goes for original work too because anything you donāt explicitly state about your characterās appearance early on, the reader is going to make up for themselves. Say you donāt establish your characters hair colour, then throw in a descriptor like āthe blonde hugged the brunetteā later on, your reader isnāt necessarily picturing a blonde and a brunette.
āOkay,ā you think, ābut how do I fix it?ā
Good news, my guy, my gal, my non-binary pal! Itās easy.
Obviously this problem arises more when youāre writing about two characters who have the same pronouns than if they use different ones, but when youāre writing your first draft, just use the pronouns. Read it over again later, and when you as the author get confused, switch a pronoun for a name.
So to use OPās example:
āSirius wrapped his arms around Remus, trying to convey all of his relief through a hug. He let out a breathy chuckle and pulled him in closer, holding him tighter. He was shaking like a leaf, and he could feel the adrenaline seeping out of his body.ā
See how that still actually reads mostly okay until the last sentence? All the he/him/his doesnāt get repetitive. Iād change it to something like:
āSirius wrapped his arms around Remus, trying to convey all of his relief through a hug. He let out a breathy chuckle and pulled him in closer, holding him tighter. Sirius was shaking like a leaf, and he could feel the adrenaline seeping out of Remusā body.ā
Tl;dr: unnecessary character descriptors arenāt creative, theyāre clunky and bad. Please stop. Hope this helps
