Voldemort: I decided that I needed an heir.
Bellatrix: Really, Master? What for? You’re immortal.
Voldemort: Because I’m immortal, I’m not allowed to have a descendant?
Bellatrix: I mean... what’s the point? Your legacy is forever secured.
Voldemort: Yes, but what happens when you all die and I’m left alone? You’re all getting old. So many of my followers have turned traitor. The younger they are, the less attached they are to me. I need a loyal, powerful follower who will outlive all of you.
Bellatrix: I definitely agree. The younger they are, the less attached they are to you. Snape—
Voldemort: Stop it, Bella. I should procreate as soon as possible. Children grow slowly, and you all age quickly.
Bellatrix: You could adopt.
Voldemort: Are you implying my blood isn’t pure enough?
Bellatrix: No, just... who’s going to give you a child?
Voldemort: Well... I thought...
Bellatrix: I’m married, my Lord.
Voldemort: It has never been a problem before. You’re talking to me as if to a lover at the dinner table in full view of your husband. You want to touch me all the time. And you do.
Bellatrix: Can you even have sex?
Voldemort: What?! What’s wrong with you?
Bellatrix: After your rebirth, your... instrument is still working?
Voldemort: Yes! You should know something about that! I can walk, breathe, fuck. Have you been hit by a Bludger?
Bellatrix: Some people say you’re asexual.
Voldemort: Me? I talk about sex all the time! I’m having nightmares about mating with werewolves, I compare my huge cock to every wizard alive, I’m obsessed with pruning my family tree and legitimising my legacy, and I love my perfect body.
Bellatrix: You’re the most beautiful of all. But Master, if I’d wanted children, I’d have had one with Rodolphus. (Even though I actually said to my sister many times that I would have happily given you my sons to serve you.)
Voldemort: But now I’m asking you. Doesn’t that make a huge difference?
Bellatrix: It does, but I’m in my forties. I could have given you ten sons before Azkaban.
Voldemort: You know, as wizards, we live much longer. We age much more slowly than disgusting Mudbloods, and in any case, I know a hundred potions to help with that. Did I mention I’m the most powerful wizard ever?
Bellatrix: What about a cauldron baby?
Voldemort: What the fuck is that?
Bellatrix: Well, you put your baby self in a cauldron and emerged as an adult man.
Voldemort: ...You understand nothing about the Dark Arts if that’s what you think happened. Do you really think babies appear out of thin air and can simply be brewed in a cauldron? Do you know Gamp’s Law of Elementary Transfiguration? Are you fucking dumb?
Bellatrix: Dumb? Yes, people say that about me... As though I wasn’t the only one who sees clearly who’s loyal to you. As if I wasn’t your most valuable Death Eater, personally trained by you.
Voldemort: Yeah... why are you talking like you’ve turned into Wormtail?
Bellatrix: Have you considered a younger witch?
Bellatrix: One of the Greengrass girls, whatever.
Voldemort: You want me to fuck a teenager?
Bellatrix: We could use magical IVF, my Lord. It’s such a common thing in our world.
Voldemort: But... why would I inseminate a Greengrass girl when I have a Black woman?
Bellatrix: Do you want to proceed with magical IVF on me?
Voldemort: Why? We’ve been having sex for thirty years. Why are you making so little sense, woman? What’s going on with you? Don’t you want me?
Bellatrix: I’ve shown my desire for you in a hundred different ways, Master! Some people even say I’m an erotomaniac!
Voldemort: You really need to stop reading the trash press, Bellatrix. It’s beneath you to think like that. You know how misogynistic Mudbloods are.
Bellatrix: I can’t believe the Dark Lord is less misogynistic than self-proclaimed feminists... But you’re right. I think I’ve been hit by a Confundus Charm, my Lord.
Voldemort: Obviously. I’m starting to get offended. Do I have to beg you to give me a child?
Bellatrix: Of course not, my Lord. But we should get on with it now. Who knows how many months it’ll take me to get pregnant?
Voldemort: Well, given that we live under the same roof at Malfoy Manor, share the same bed, I’m the most powerful wizard on this planet, and you’re madly in love with me, I’d say we should manage to procreate rather quickly, Bella.
