Headcanons and more

The realisation that she was in love with Tegan had hit like a thunderbolt. Nyssa had been so terrified. She hadn’t told a single person yet, not even to Mel, who she normally confided in without a second thought. Possibly because she knew Mel would try to help nudge Nyssa and Tegan closer together in some way. And -while Nyssa did appreciate Mel wanting her to be happy- she wasn’t yet sure if she even wanted anything between her and Tegan to progress. Her friendship with Tegan meant to much; what if it broke when Tegan realised the extent of Nyssa’s feelings for her? Knowing Tegan, she would let Nyssa down easily, making sure not to hurt her feelings more than she had to. But the knowledge of that possibility weighed like a grey cloud in Nyssa’s mind. No, it was too much a risk.

The month of October had flown by, and it was now Halloween. The two flats had organised a themed night-out in Norwich city centre, with everyone dressing up as some sort of spooky character or costume.

Mel -who was dressed as one of the witches from “Hocus Pocus”- put down her magazine and climbed off of Nyssa’s bed.

‘I don’t see what you’re so nervous about. You already know Tegan thinks you’re gorgeous-’

‘Yes but not in a romantic way!’ Nyssa exclaimed. ‘What if I make a fool of myself?’

‘You won’t,’ Mel took Nyssa’s hands in her and squeezed gently. ‘You, Nyssa Traken, are a rational, capable and intelligent woman who can do anything you set your mind to. If you want to have a fun Halloween party with Tegan, you absolutely can do that. If you want to kiss her, you can do that too.’

‘I’m not kissing anyone,’ Nyssa mumbled, looking down at her feet. ‘Especially not Tegan. She’d… well-’

‘Enjoy it? Kiss you back?’ -Mel smiled- ‘You are too harsh on yourself, Nyssa. Now, put your hat on and we can head upstairs to the pre-drinks…’

*

Tegan stepped through the door of the kitchen, tugging a little nervously at the cape she was wearing. She looked around; Ace was currently stood next to the fridge, leaving kisses down Mel’s neck and causing a lot of giggling from the redhead. Harry and Mike were arguing about “The Godfather”. Jo was cheerfully holding hands with Liz and Sarah-Jane, both of whom were blushing bright pink. Ben and Polly were missing, presumably in one of their bedrooms. Benton was making himself a cup of tea.

Where was-

‘Tegan!’

The Australian felt her stomach flip over as Nyssa appeared in front of her. She was wearing long, black dress with a witches hat. Stripy tights and a pair of black shoes completed the look. Her hair was -unusual for her- hanging down, with several flowers braided into it.

‘Woah.’

‘You like it?’ Nyssa asked, smiling… nervously? Yes, she did look a tad nervous. ‘It’s supposed to be Magrat Garlick from Discworld. You don’t think it’s too-’

‘Hot? It is very hot, yes.’

Nyssa stared at her. Tegan blinked, realising what she’d just let slip.

‘Er… thank you,’ -Nyssa’s cheeks had turned a very pretty shade of pink. ‘I like yours. Er… let me guess… butch vampire?’

Tegan nodded, feeling her own face flush.

‘Not too on-the-nose, is it?’

‘No,’ Nyssa replied. ‘It… it looks nice on you.’

‘So you don’t think I look hot? Good grief, Nys; break my heart, why don’t you.’

‘I do think it’s hot!’

Nyssa froze, and her face bypassed pink and turned maroon.

Hmmm. Interesting reaction.

‘We-ell,’ Tegan said, slowly. ‘Given we both know what we look like without the clothes now-’

‘Ssshhh!’ Nyssa giggled, face still blushing as she waved her hands. ‘People might hear!’

‘Nyssa, I got to see you naked; of course I’m gonna mention it.’

They both giggled.

‘You know,’ Nyssa said. ‘for two friends who’ve both seen the other au naturel, we seem to be relatively well adjusted around each other.’

‘Societal expectations relating to nudity are a load of bollocks, anyway,’ Tegan shrugged. ‘And we are both girls.’

‘True,’ -Nyssa raised her cup- ‘To cheerfully seeing your friends completely naked and not being weird about it.’

Tegan laughed, and tapped her own cup against it.

They shared a smile as they drank.

*

Several hours later, they were at one of Norwich’s gay bars, on the dancefloor. Ace and Mel had disappeared into a shadowy corner somewhere, and the various other housemates had splintered off into little groups over the course of the night; Benton (who wasn’t drinking) had elected to bundle Mike and Harry into a taxi -after both of them had drunk enough to render themselves unable to walk in a straight line- and head back to the flat.

As a result, Nyssa had spent the last hour dancing with Tegan. It had been pretty fun; the music was a mix of queer jams, cheesy party hits from the 2000s, and a lot of eighties new wave and synthpop.

‘You sure you’re okay for us to stick to non-alcoholic drinks?’ Tegan yelled, over the music. Nyssa nodded, as they stepped back out onto the dancefloor. Tegan’s plaid shirt was now tied around her waist, showing off her sleeveless “short hair, don’t care” t-shirt and her rather nice biceps. 

‘After last time, probably best for me.’

“Now That I Found You” by Carly Rae Jepson began playing.

As Nyssa danced in front of Tegan, she felt strangely at peace. Yes, she was in love with the Australian, but that was okay. The feelings were sweet by themselves, even if she was not expecting anything to come of them. Tegan’s friendship meant so much to her, and -in any case- it wasn’t a bad thing to fall for your friend. If anything, it was simply a slight change to the affection and deep fondness that she had already felt towards the older girl. Yes, she’d be okay.

Tegan smiled, singing along to the words as she swung her head gently from side to side, her vampire cape swaying. She looked utterly at peace. It warmed Nyssa’s heart to see her like this.

‘You know,’ Tegan said, leaning in close as the song slowly faded out. ‘I really-’

She was cut off by a sudden blast of drums and chiming guitar chords, and Nyssa suddenly felt her heart flip over. She knew that song. No, please, no…

“My mother said when I want something, I never let it go…”

‘Nyssa?’ Tegan asked, still close to her. ‘What’s wrong?’

Nyssa’s palms had gone sweaty. She could feel heat rising in her cheeks, and the lights of the dancefloor suddenly seemed to burn. Her heart hammered painfully against her chest. Tegan was too close, too pretty, too there and it was too much-

“When I saw you, I knew it was over, I just laid down and surrendered…”

Alarm bells were now screaming in Nyssa’s brain. She needed to get out of there before she did something she would definitely regret and that Tegan definitely wouldn’t like-

“I wanna make you, I wanna make you my girl…”

‘T-toilet,’ Nyssa stammered, pulling away from Tegan and pushing her way quickly through the other dancers, all of whom now seemed to be women kissing each other.

“I wanna make you, I wanna make you my world…”

This wasn’t fair. This was not fair. She had been comfortable with the idea of one-sidedly loving Tegan; she had! But the emotions, the dancefloor, the combination of Tegan’s close proximity and that bloody song… she was ruined.

Nyssa stumbled through the door to the ladies toilets, blinking quickly. It was empty. Thank goodness.

She crossed to the sinks, and placed her hands firmly against the porcelain, taking deep, shuddering breaths. It wasn’t much cooler in here compared to the dancefloor, and she could still hear the sounds of “Perfume” by Pale Waves. Was the DJ repeating the song? That was all she needed; a musical reminder of all the hopeful feelings she had been trying to… well, she didn’t know what she was doing with them.

Nyssa took a deep breath, and closed her eyes.

The sound of the music suddenly increased, as the door opened.

‘Nys, you alright?’

Bollocks! Bollocks, bollocks!

Nyssa turned, as if pulled by a force beyond her control. Tegan had come to stand next to her at the sinks, looking concerned. The Australian’s face was flushed from the dancing, and there were several beads of sweat dripping enticingly down her neck and under her t-shirt.

Oh, dear.

‘I-I’m fine,’ Nyssa said, waving her hand in what she hoped was a relaxed way. ‘Just a bit tired.’

‘So tired that you had to practically run across the dancefloor?’

She… she hadn’t moved that quickly, had she? Had she really looked that terrified?

‘R-really, I’m fine, Tegan; no need to worry-’

‘Too late for that!’ -Tegan raised a hand to Nyssa’s forehead- ‘Nyssa, you’re burning up!’

‘Just overheated!’ Nyssa squeaked, gooseflesh erupting up her neck at the sudden physical touch. ‘Really, Tegan, it’s of no concern-’

‘You were fine a minute ago!’ the Australian accepted, not moving her hand. ‘Geez, Nyssa; you were happy as a clam before that song changed over-’

‘I’m fine!’

‘Clearly you’re not!’

This was too much. Lyrics about kissing a girl on her mouth were slipping under the door from the dancefloor, Tegan was stood right up against her, and Nyssa’s self-control was starting to tear. Oh, god, no… she was happy with just being in love…

‘Tegan, please!’

‘I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong!’

There was the soft sound of skin against tiles, as Nyssa shoved Tegan up against the wall, one hand pressed up against her hip and the other curling around her shoulder. Suddenly, she could feel all of Tegan’s body pressed up against her own, sending excited shivers up her spine as several very soft places became very noticeable.

Nyssa’s breathing was beleaguered and heavy, as she felt Tegan still against her. The Australian’s mouth had fallen open slightly, and Nyssa could see herself reflected in those gorgeous brown eyes barely an inch away from her own. Their noses were almost touching. Nyssa’s nostrils filled with the scent of sweat, shampoo and perfume emanating off of the Australian. The music from the dancefloor outside seemed to fade into the background, and all Nyssa could hear was the sound of Tegan’s own breathing.

‘N-Nyssa?’

Mouth open slightly, Nyssa let out a shaky breath. Her eyes dipped down to Tegan’s mouth, and those pink, soft, oh-so-kissable lips…

‘I was trying so hard…’ Nyssa whispered. ‘Oh, Tegan…’

Tears dripped down Nyssa’s cheeks.

‘Nys?’ Tegan whispered, barely audible. ‘Please… tell me, what’s wrong?’

Nyssa’s arms slackened, and she took a step back, hanging her head. She wiped her eyes with her arm.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she mumbled. ‘I… I have to go back to the flat…’

She bit back a sob, turned on her heel, and headed out of the door, leaving behind a startled and dumbstruck Tegan still stood against the wall, her chest heaving with beleaguered and exhilarated breath, and her mouth still hanging open, lips confused as to what had just happened.

Or, rather, what had just not happened.

~~~~~~~~~

*evil laugh* Dun-dun-dun!