a hardened and shameless tea drinker

Like yes, Ilya logically knows that it’s not about him personally, not really. It’s about hockey. It’s about The Rivalry™️. It’s about the public persona of douchebaggery that he has specifically played up for years at this point to get under people’s skin and keep them at arm’s length. It’s the contrast between the golden boy of Canada and the big bad Russian. Like, duh, of course everyone thinks Rozanov isn’t worthy of Shane, but that’s not real.

But also, does he know that? Does he know that down to his bones, deep in the heart of himself? Does he know that when he’s on his own, without Shane by his side, when it’s late and he’s tired and he’s in bed in the dark on his own with just his own thoughts for company?

Or does he think of his father, and how he never missed an opportunity to remind him of his value or lack there of? How he constantly degraded and abused and mocked him for every failure until Ilya had internalised the truth of his own worthlessness, until winning was unremarkable and losing unthinkable? Does he think of his brother? Of how the only worthwhile thing about Ilya was his bank account ? How the closest to affection he could get from his own kin was always that he sent money and Alexei sent back insults, and he should be thankful because if he didn’t pay it would be even worse? Does he think of his mother? Who loved him, yes, of course she did, but still couldn’t stay for him? Who instead abandoned him to his fate at the hands of his father and brother even though she knew how bad things could get. Does he think it’s because she could see even then, even at twelve years old, that fundamentally Ilya wasn’t worth sticking around for?

Does he think about how even the people who brought him into this world couldn’t love him right, and so where does he get off thinking that someone like him would deserve to love and be loved by someone as good, as pure, as kind as Shane Hollander? Of course everyone else can see that, to the point that it’s the first thing they say. Of course it’s just a matter of time until Shane sees it too.

Do you think it’s death by a thousand cuts? That every shitty comment from Shane’s loved ones - Hayden and Yuna and J.J. and whoever else finds out about them - that whittles down to variations on the theme of “I can support being gay, but I draw the line at loving Ilya Rozanov?” in that same disbelieving tone cuts through to that miserable hidden core of himself he tries so hard to make up for and reminds him that other people see how worthless he is too?

What gets me is how god damned frustrating it would be to work somewhere that one of the Leverage crew supports. Nate would be okay, he’d just make small monthly gifts to ten million different organizations so that nobody thinks he’s worth very much (he doesn’t own his home and he gives such small amounts monthly that Development writes him off as an earnest but low-capacity donor who should get a thank-you card around the holidays). It’s probably a bigger inconvenience to him because he’s on every nonprofit mailing list known to man. He has so many address labels, guys. (I don’t want to be Nate but I am Nate. I have so many address labels.)

Sophie I imagine has an extravagant alias for every charity she supports; she gives outrageous amounts and in return demands only attention and adulation, tickets to all the galas, and to be in at least one photo in every annual report. We have a donor like this – she’s genuinely invested in our work, gives generously of her time and money, is never rude or demanding, but if she’s in the room all eyes must be on her at all times. I actually really like her but constant exposure could get…tiring. 

Eliot just sends enormous, anonymous checks once a year through a shell company or DAF, which while not unusual would be irritating in that they can’t ever reach out to thank him and/or steward him into a larger gift appealing to his interests. They can’t even send him dumb swag! He deserves a charity-branded bottle opener and keychain flashlight! (He has stolen all of Nate’s, but they don’t know that.) Still, they’ve probably got a fun nickname for him; I have a few people in my research files who are simply named after characters from Greek mythology because that’s all the data I have or am allowed to store. 

For a long time Hardison just dumped money into the bank accounts of his charities of choice, seamlessly, invisibly – it just APPEARED in the account, and he was cool with that until he checked back after a few years and found none of his money was being used because they couldn’t figure out where it was coming from and were worried it was a clerical error despite the bank assuring them otherwise. Now he still dumps money into the accounts but he entertains himself building an elaborate digital paper trail so that the accounting all works. Have you ever watched a Gift Processing office try to balance a nonprofit’s books? Sometimes they cry! Don’t be mean to them, Hardison. 

Parker, bless her heart, just leaves bags of money on the doorsteps of random employees with notes directing how, in general terms, it should be spent. If she’s particularly pleased with the climbability of their home, she leaves a donut for them, too. Generally if she mentions she’s done this to the crew, Eliot calls up the charity to assure them that the large bag of cash was a legitimate donation and is not some kind of money-laundering scam. (That was ONE TIME Eliot, and the IRS didn’t even NOTICE.) This happened to me once. A tiny old lady in a Cubs jacket showed up to our office with a backpack full of money and it was a very intense morning. 

Been a hot minute since I did another scene picture. This one was fun to do (:

I stan babies in bright colors so Grogu gets a cute little raincoat

but: consider. if u genuinely like analyzing writing.. do u know ur just allowed to go through and quote your favorite parts and ramble abt what they mean to u and the author will LOSE IT WITH HYPE?

genuinely. i felt SO WEIRD the first time i did it.. but like. holy shit authors love it. its crack for authors. the first time i did it, it was on a fic that hadnt updated in half a year, give or take, and the author made 3 updates that month BECAUSE OF MY COMMENT.

# ILYA ROZANOV IS A COMEDIAN  

One thing I haven't seen discussed a lot, and that's been executed so well, is the portrayal of Shane's autism and struggle to understand subtext/implied meaning, in relation to Ilya's internal struggle regarding his own family.

We are starting off strong with the introduction of Ilya's father in episode 1, where right off the bat, he calls Ilya lazy and in need of discipline after just having signed his rookie deal. We later see his father shaming Ilya for losing a game, basically calling him a disgrace (right after his brother used a slur against him), while Ilya goes quiet, enduring the treatment he's used to. We also have his brother telling him that they can live without him, so there's that.

In the very same episode, we see the first time Shane misses the cues regarding Ilya's family history on the rooftop, when he tells Ilya, "You're just up here sulking because, what, you couldn't take another victory lap around me?" and Ilya replies with "Not everything is about you!". To be fair, Shane can't know at this point, that losing this award would mean more punishment from his father, but still, Ilya is visibly tense and upset, so when he tells Shane that he'll be going back to Russia, and Shane says that it must be nice, it's clear that he entirely missed the physical cues from Ilya, which would have told him that it is, in fact, not nice at all.

In episode 2, we are focusing on the Winter Olympics, with Shane guessing that Ilya's family must be happy that they're in Russia, to which Ilya is slow to reply at all. In the same breath, Shane asks if his family is gonna be there, and Ilya reluctantly discloses that his father and brother might come. It is glaringly obvious that this is, again, not something he is looking forward to, but Shane misses it, and instead focuses on the support he receives from his own parents. The contrast is gut-wrenching - Shane's parents are thousands of miles away and still show up, Ilya's family is right there, and emotionally couldn't be further away from him. And Shane misses that because in his small world, parents are supportive, so why would it be different for Ilya?

But oh, oh, then we get the first crack in Shane's understanding, and it's awkward and beautiful and complicated and heartbreaking all at once. Cut to Russia, Shane sitting in that café, with Scott and Vaughan joining him, the latter pointing out that Russia isn't safe for gay people, something that serves as a gut punch for Shane, who is figuring out in real time that they are in Russia, and Ilya is in Russia, and Ilya is Russian and (presumably) gay, and oh no, oh nonono, how did he miss this? How must Ilya be feeling? He really needs to know if he's okay and safe asap. So, when he spots Ilya, he walks up to him, but Ilya is, of course, tense. That should have been answer enough. Ilya knows they can't get caught, not here, in Russia, but Shane still needs verbal confirmation, so he asks if he's okay. And Ilya doesn't let him in, even though his body language speaks for itself - or so he thinks. But Shane, sweet rejection-sensitive Shane, thinks Ilya simply doesn't want anything to do with him, so he gets defensive and leaves, even when it's clear that Ilya is hating every second of his stay in Russia.

When we get to Vegas, Shane finally tries a more direct approach, when he asks Ilya if he's going back to Russia, and then asks him why he is going back. Ilya tries to explain that Russia is home, even if it's hard and complicated and messy, but Shane doesn't understand, asks if it's safe and if he even likes it there. And honestly, what a bloody brilliant question and one we see Ilya contemplating long after Shane is gone, because to Ilya it's always been clear that he doesn't have a choice, but Shane, inadvertently, opened up a door that's been closed for far too long. Even when Ilya deflects, again and asks him what difference it makes if he likes it there. To Shane, for once, it's clear. At the same time, he completely misses the conflicting feelings someone experiences who has been nothing but abused by his family, but feels responsible for them anyway, simply because they are family, they are home, and you don't just give up home.

In episode 4, we have the phone calls between Ilya and his father/his brother that Shane witnesses and asks about, trying to open up the conversation about Ilya's family, which Ilya quickly shuts down again, and Shane, ever insecure, doesn't dare to probe again when Ilya doesn't give him an answer.

Episode 5 then gives us the breakthrough in the hotel room in Florida, where Ilya, for the first time ever, is being open and direct with Shane about his family. He also repeats the sentiment of "does it matter how I feel?" and I love the parallel to episode 2, where Shane asked him about going home. This scene, in a lot of ways, is yet another mirror scene and beautiful storytelling. And of course Shane, at first, misunderstands when Ilya tells him he wouldn't be able to go back to Russia. Ilya clarifies, clearly upset and still very much held back by his loyalty to his family and home country, certain he won't ever be allowed to be happy - and for the very first time, he shows Shane his true emotions and lets Shane comfort him, too. This scene serves as a turning point in their relationship but also in Shane's understanding of Ilya's internal struggles, and we see the change when he later asks Ilya about his family again, and Ilya deflects, but there's no longer a real bite behind it, because he has realised Shane truly cares about him.

By the time we get to their phone call, there is no more pretence left. Ilya is honest about his family being a mess, about him not being okay, and Shane is able to respond to that, is able to offer comfort, something Ilya hasn't been used to up until that point, at least not to this extent. Again, a mirror scene - Shane is thousands of miles away and still showing up for Ilya, the same way Shane's parents showed up for him when he was in Russia. And while Shane doesn't understand a word Ilya is saying, he does feel the underlying emotions, and that's enough for the moment. And, it's still the first time Ilya verbalises just how deep the pain he feels about his own family goes.

Finally, we get this beautiful moment of vulnerability between them, showing just how far they've come in figuring out how to communicate, how to open up, how to understand. It shows us that even if Shane has been unable to read between the lines for years, he does want to show up and be there for Ilya. He does want to hear about his thoughts, feelings and struggles. Likewise, Ilya learned that Shane needs direct communication, and he's willing to give him that, because in return, he receives so, so much love and support.

you're owen lars. the woman you call mom had another child once. it doesn't make her love you less, but she talks about him in a way that makes it clear that she loved him, too. he's off to be a jedi now and she's very proud.

you're owen lars. your mother's been kidnapped and you have to assume the worst. a man and a woman step into your home and the man announces himself to be that kid who went off to become a jedi. he knows you less than you know him and before anything else can happen, he takes off to bring back his mother, a feat you think is impossible.

you're owen lars. anakin skywalker brings your mom's corpse to your doorstep. her funeral is interrupted by a message of utmost galactic importance.

you're owen lars. your brother is dead. you never saw him again after that first time. there is another jedi on your doorstep, with a baby in his arm and you know what it means and you can't bring yourself to face him as he hands your nephew off to your wife.

you're owen lars. obi-wan ben kenobi is a pain in the ass. he was more your brother's brother than you ever were and he doesn't understand your particular kind of grief, is drowning in his own. you don't even know the full story and kenobi will never tell you all of it. but you have a child to care for so you tell him off and get back to work.

you're owen lars. you didn't know your brother, but you know your nephew and your nephew wants out of this place as soon as possible. you know he won't be safe out there but in the end you're helpless to stop him. and you know the stories, you remember the one time you met him, the days your mother died. and you do this for her and you do this for your father and you do this for your brother and you do this for your nephew.

*if comfortable doing so, you may include your age range/generation in the tags for helpful demographic data