Bumpy Toad

Autism/being Autistic is something I am, not something I have. Something I have would be like chronic pain, nagging and gnawing. Autistic is just my default state of existence. I can experience joy, sadness, anger, etc. as an Autistic individual. It's not about suffering and is quite often very much the opposite, yet there are many who expect Autistics to only be suffering and to at least want to aspire to Neurotypical standards if they are to "deserve" services and this is unfair. Also, it's not all "I pity myself because I'm disabled." It's not like making a whole identity out of having an injured leg or something. Autism is having a different brain -- it's my baseline neurotype, my fundamental operating system, and it's who I am entirely and exactly who I aspire to be. Everything is filtered through my Autistic brain and through the experience of being Autistic. But I don't "feel" Autistic in a negative sense until I encounter barriers from ableism and lack of accommodation. The world I live in has so much that is structured in a way that overlooks different brains or imposes a standard of sameness. I am very afraid.

"Less is more"? No, MORE is more. Let your face and body be a canvas. Self-expression is fundamental. Why restrain your creativity?

I don't judge based on appearances, or based on anything that the majority tends to react to fearfully without much thought. On the contrary, I am fascinated by anything different. It offends me when others can't get past the superficial. It hurts me. It makes me feel very unhappy and even greatly distressed when others dismiss the things that I care about on a deep level and are actually comforting to me by saying they’re "too scary" as if that means there's nothing more to them that is of any value and I should stop liking them. I really feel hurt when the things I care about, love and like a lot, connect to/connect with and identify with and as are wrongfully regarded as "evil" and "hideous." I don't have negative visceral gut reactions to things that are different. I don't get repulsed or afraid or distrustful just on the basis of someone or something being different. I don't see things as "too garish" or distasteful, either, just based on being visually "loud" and exuberant in their creativity. I don't see the things most tend to regard as being "extreme" (as though there's anything wrong with that) as being "too much." I consider "extreme" to be a relative term. I don't reject anyone or feel harshly towards anyone based on appearances, and it's the same with interests and Dark things. I don't see "ugly," or "scary," or "weird" as in bad. I generally see the things that others view as ugly and scary and weird as beautiful and wholesome and fascinating. I don't want to associate with those who judge based on appearances. I would never want to be friends with them unless they are willing to learn to be open-minded, or unlearn their harmful biases. I wouldn't want to be exposed to those judgmental individuals trying to influence me to be and think like them as though I'm naive if I don't or that there must be something terribly wrong with me. I can't tolerate any of the cruelties and biases that for most humans are just considered "normal." I can't and I won't. They just don't make any sense to me, and all they end up doing is harming the innocent folks and lifeforms who just happen to be different or misunderstood. Life isn't what it used to be when those primitive responses were more essential to survival. Those who are different in appearance are generally not a threat at all -- rather, we are most often the ones being severely victimized.

Why is appearance and style fair game to severe criticism? If you look at a Picasso painting and maybe the art style isn't for you, would you call it "stupid" and think Picasso should have never expressed himself? No, because that would be ignorant. But when someone looks a certain way, they can be hated and pressured constantly to change, even though to them that expression truly reflects who they are. And folks think that it shouldn't matter to that individual, to knock down their self-expression, and that they should just change if they don't like how they're treated. But this isn't so -- expression has a deep meaning. It's a big part of identity. It's one thing to not like something for yourself, but it's bigoted to not like it on someone else, especially if you make a big soul-crushing stink about it. It ruins one's self-esteem, especially if the individual considers this to be an IDENTITY they have that is connected to divergent flamboyant physical self-expression. Have some respect and empathy. It's a matter of what's right and wrong. Autistics also may look very different from the mainstream standards based on our interests and what makes us comfortable. Don't deny us our right to self-expression, and yes, judging us is cruel to the utmost degree. It's just as bad as any other form of prejudice that exists. Just as hate speech makes it difficult to feel free and safe, the attacks on self-expression through appearance make it difficult for that expression to exist for the same reasons.

Some say that "special interest" isn't a good term, and that Autistics should just be considered to have interests like anyone else. I vehemently disagree with this. The term isn't just cutesy and patronizing. The term is true. When you have a special interest or special interests, these become part of you. They often can't be separated, and especially not by force or social pressure without causing severe and everlasting distress and trauma. Even if special interests do shift in the sense of changing with new encounters and being more fluid, it's still fundamentally a brain difference that deeply affects our internal perception of identity and we can't be forced to change, and we would feel empty without a special interest and we need to feel connected to it on a deeper level than just really liking something. We need to understand it on an emotional level, assimilate it into us, merge with it. These special interests are so intense as to often be completely immersive and Autistics hyperfocus on them. And while most pathologize this in an educational setting, considering these interests to be too "restricted" where the Autistic individual can't learn anything else, this is just proof that Autistics are different and that standard environments are profoundly lacking and cognitive performance tests and IQ tests can't be applied to us with accuracy. But Autistics can learn more broadly. We do it all the time, but it has to be through our special interests. Our special interests are a gateway, a window into learning so many other things that we can connect back to those main special interests. This requires time and patience in education, and most often a one on one learning experience. Though there are those who can't learn in education regardless. It's just not who they are and they don't take to it. There is no connection with the approach or the setting. Many of us like this are considered intellectually disabled, but that's only because our brains are meant to be specialized. Specialized for our special interests. There are so many skills that we have that are often completely overlooked by outsiders such as professionals just because they don't fit into boxes and standards and align with milestones. And yes, my interests are special to me, so special in fact that I am extremely defensive about them and to abuse me for them is to cut my very soul.

I don't want to be known as just another artist with a persona, or construct that is separate from myself. Everything folks see is the real me unless otherwise stated. My self-expression in any form it takes is authentic. It is naturally flamboyant. I'm not a fan of costumes, generally. This includes the "normal default human" costume that so many want or expect me to wear. Heck, this might be why I'm not a fan of costumes in general. I know what it's like to be forced into them, and I'll tell you, it's incredibly traumatic for me. Being forced into masking and closeting oneself is abuse. I don't exist to make others comfortable, or uncomfortable, for that matter. Though yes, I do have very strong values that differ from the mainstream which are inherent to my sense of identity and therefore it may seem like I'm just doing it to make a statement, but this is because the personal always has to be political in this world. I'm ambivalent towards Halloween. Personal expression is not a joke. Alterhuman identities are not a joke. I don't like seeing them be caricaturized. I am not a joke. Being Alterhuman does not mean that I or anyone else should have to be regarded as subhuman, either.

What Xenogender means to me is having a nonbinary gender identity that is based on certain experiences and concepts that are not usually associated with "gender" and tend to be considered very much outside of it, where my sense of what's attractive for myself and how I present my gender identity isn't based on the typical gender standards (maleness, femaleness, neither, femininity, masculinity, etc.) and is very much outside of it and Other -- such as looking like a creature or entity and having a highly flamboyant appearance and such. It's about Otherness, and my gender expression is an extremely important part of my Xenogender identity. I often experience Xenogender dysphoria if I am unable to wear my face paint, for instance, which is my most important and meaningful form of self-expression.