A conversation the other day had me thinking about this the other day so here we are.
Online communities and perceived popularity.
You know that sounded like it was smoother in my head.
What do I mean by the above?
Well I donβt think itβs a thing that is really specific to our kink, nor do I think itβs a thing that is even limited to online spaces, but Iβm talking about the phenomenon of people putting others on pedestals.
This can be seen in actions like Parasocial relationships (see a post Iβve done about that beforeβ¦ if you can find itβ¦ my post categories are a mess). But thatβs only one outcome. This is one form of how objectification can look like in this scenario. Another can be viewing others who are perceived βmore popularβ as βbetterβ.
This of course discounts a few things:
Theyβre being well rounded people. We talk about not only judging yourself by your highlight reels/best moments, we also need to try to not do that with others as well.
Lead to resentment based on a fantasy/idea brought about by our own worries.
Further isolation of self as you donβt see yourself there.
Itβs a form of hero worship, putting people on a pedestal. It can seem flattering and like youβre giving people compliments but it is a slippery slope for sure.
And I understand it! Because I do the same thing. Consistently. Iβm trying to get better at it.
This is what I mean though by it isnβt limited to our kink and to online spaces. Let me elaborate.
I judge myself against people who I perceive to be βpillars of the community.β What do I mean by that? I mean people with thousands of followers, tons of interactions, lots of perceived popularity.
I judge myself in person at gatherings based on how popular other people are perceived to be. Be this on the company they keep, how βin demandβ they are (on either side of the slash), and how wanted they (seemingly) are.
I judge myself based on perceived skill level at an activity. If people are better at me at a thing my initial instinct is to just work on getting better at it on my own or move on to another thing.
I judge myself in general in person based on perceived popularity and perceivedβ¦ βbelongingβ for lack of a better phrase.
Now excuse me while I stop grilling myself for a moment.
I go through/have went through/still go through all of the above. The issue is that it is a self centered view. Part of my working on getting better about it is realizing that. Let me explain.
Yes, people online can be more βpopularβ and have more engagement. But you (I) just pay attention to the glamorous bits. Missing the tons of entitled comments, demanding comments, objectifying and degrading comments. (And hopefully none of yβall do that). Yes, they may be very popular, but that means they also possibly have more people being jerks at best and hateful/outright toxic and hostile at worst.
Yes, people will be more βpopularβ at gatherings in person. But at the end of the day weβre all still people. (Iβll come back to this.) This is an event for friends and to have fun with friends. Pay attention to your own joy and donβt let it be robbed by the comparison game as best you can.
Just because you are not the best at something doesnβt invalidate your efforts or how you do at a thing. Donβt let it stop you/hinder you, otherwise how are you going to get better? Youβre doing better than you think and anyone who is actually really good at a thing will be excited to cheer you on about a thing they love.
People having better/closer friends doesnβt invalidate your friendship level either. It isnβt a competition.
Circling back to the second bullet point: treat people like people. It sounds really basic but what I mean by that is to not forget that these people we can put on pedestals and βidolizeβ come to the table with their own experiences that we discredit if we just look at them in the light of holding them to this higher standard. They have things they deal with outside of the communities we see them in.
I still deal with a lot of these thoughts shockingly regularly. Itβs funny, I donβt see myself as βpopularβ or anything like that. I see my blog asβ¦ like. The lowest tier of popularity. I post no content (and donβt plan on) and donβt post consistent teasing content. I donβt get any Asks and interactions from a small handful of accounts (love yβall) but my posts only get really big when other, βpopularβ blogs reblog them.
But some people still see me as popular? And seek the blog out? Weird how that happens.
I guess what Iβll end it on is to not let compassion steal your joy. Itβs hurting both parties: you are making yourself feel worse and you are robbing the other person of their being well rounded for a vision you have in your head.
Itβs hard, I know. I deal with it too. But I hope this helps and tbh just had to get it out there I suppose.
