I feel like not a lot of people consider how easy it is to be self destructive when you’re disabled. I can exercise and outwardly it looks like a life improvement but in reality I’m purposely making myself worse. I just spent hours working on a project that left my wrist in pain, a project I could have stopped at any time and still easily finished before the deadline, but I pushed myself simply because I could. Part of me wishes this was more recognized by the general public because honestly I could be destroying my future quality of life and no one will notice until it’s too late

even in funny tumblr posts rest is a reward for working. it makes me feel worthless. ive tried to work and my most recent job i could barely do 3 hours a week while going to one in-person class because of how much pain i was in. now im in debt and i play video games all day because thats what i have energy for. i still constantly need to rest. i wonder how many people think i dont deserve it.

okay is anyone else split over doctors seeing and acknowledging their problems? Like I absolutely want someone to look at my joints and tell me there's something wrong, but at the same time I'm terrified of what that might be. From what I can see and what I've lived with, it's honestly... really likely there's something degenerative going on with my joints. I'm so scared that the first time anyone actually acknowledges my joint irregularities is also going to be the time they tell me it's irreversible and can't be stopped. I'm terrified, but I also can't just live with this anymore. It's just... a lot to try and handle, and ofc it's complicated by medical trauma and years of neglect from the system just because of my lack of extreme symptoms and it's just all awesome *sparkles in distress*