all i want is you. it’s always you

Caught up in my feelings about Shane actively learning to accept and work through sensory regulation and his overstimulated nervous system.

In my mind, Yuna happened upon Jellycats when Shane was pretty young (I had one as a kid because my mum got excited about toy trends and most of my classmates had one so she saved for my birthday and I LOVED it). Anyway, I think Yuna would purchase one when Shane suddenly doesn't hate Kindergarten because his teacher has acquired a Jellycat for the quiet corner of the classroom. In my mind Shane spends all his time completing puzzles and reading books in this corner when he can, and Yuna is just like, "okay, he's not making friends or playing with kids, but AT LEAST he doesn't hate school now," and so she buys him one. She gets him the Bashful Bunny version. At first she's unsure, its light pink, its got flower designs in the ears, but when she shows Shane the website, its the one he wants. Says its just like the one at school. And, well, Shane is so particular, Yuna knows her son, and in my mind, Yuna is a supportive mom, but she's also got some ideas about perception and maybe deep down she thinks ideas about boy vs girl toys are reductive, but she is way more preoccupied with fitting in. Molding and changing herself has been a part of her identity since her family immigrated when she was young. She was always making herself smaller for people, always considered too different too driven too confident, and she doesn't want Shane to be ostracized the way that she was. So in my headcanon of Shane's childhood, Yuna is always just lightly steering Shane onto the path of least resistance. I think David initially resists this a bit, preferring to let Shane be whatever way he is, and I think their marriage was probably pretty rocky during those early years of raising Shane because of disagreements about how to raise and respond to their son, but ultimately, I think David just decides to steps back a bit on that front (maybe in result of a larger fight in which Yuna expresses that he will never understand the way she was treated and thus will never fully understand the struggles Shane will face being biracial.)

Anyway, all this to say, I think after Shane, ever stubborn, ever himself while he's young (not yet knowing that he was supposed to shrink himself to fit in) tries to steal the Jellycat from school and thus twists Yuna's hand. She buys him the Bashful Bunny and god he loves it, (hilariously names him Bun-edict with the help of David), and carries it everywhere, cuddles with it on the couch, pets its floppy ears when he's upset, rubs his cheek on the fluffy top of its head absentmindedly, he hugs it to his chest tightly while he's reading. When it arrives he's doing a happy wiggle just waiting for Yuna to open the box and she's TAKING TOO LONG MOM, and Yuna is at first uncomfortable with how much he likes it, worries about it getting dirty. She closes the blinds when he's in the kitchen with the plushie just in case the neighbor will peak through the blinds of the stuffy house next door in the suburban hell which is the their home and hate her five-old-son who doesn't care to know that pink soft things are for little girls. This neighbor who already looks at them funny when she lets Shane play and jump in the front yard sprinkler, who smiled noncommitally when she offered to invite her son over for a playdate with Shane, saying, "For sure! I just don't know if that their will be anything he can eat" and "Well are boys are just raised so differently," and "my son is just so rowdy they probably don't have much in common. But really, you got so lucky with such a....sensitive kid, must be a dream." But then Shane nuzzles the bashful bunny and hums happily with his nose stuck in a Second Grade Reader booklet about Silly Hotdogs, her son, so smart and so small and already so different, and she just can't bring herself to take that comfort away from him. So she washes the toy and carefully air dries it so stay fluffy and soft and she lovingly rubs its tufts with Tatami scented oil which Shane adores and snuffles and when she gathers her son in her arms, he smells like home and Yuna can't breathe in enough of it even as she struggles to pull in the next rush of air.

like…. young, spry, starry-eyed luca haas who is already thanking his lucky stars for getting into the NHL playing with ilya rozanov (who he had posters of above his bed) and he’s absorbing as much information as he can from him. until suddenly he gets to play on the same line as shane fucking hollander?!!!!! the man whose religion is hockey - he who eats and breathes it. ofc he’s going to ask questions. and shane, sweet wonderful shane, will just ramble and ramble and ramble about things like his stick taping routine, the waxes he uses, and his skate sharpening technique. and luca would just listen and absorb every word like a sponge until shane realizes he’s rambling and he apologizes with a lil blush on his face and luca doesn’t understand why he’s apologizing because he loves to listen to the shane hollander talk for hours. and so luca makes it a point to always ask shane questions even about the smallest things just to see the way his eyes sparkle as he info dumps about hockey.

or shane who is having a few back to back very bad no good days at practice. and one day it’s just too much and the lights are too bright and his skin feels like it’s stretched too tight across his bones and his equipment is heavy and it’s wrong on his skin. and ilya, his perfect beautiful husband who always knows what to do, isn’t around (he has to meet with the coaches). and shane can’t catch a breath and he’s fighting with his gear and his skates. he closes his eyes so tight it hurts and his lungs feel like they’re on fire because he can’t get a good deep breath. until suddenly everything is muffled. there’s a pressure over his temples and when he looks up, the light is being eclipsed by wyatt hayes who is pressing noise cancelling headphones over shane’s ears. he’s taking exaggerated breaths so shane can match him. and the knot in shane’s chest loosens just enough for everything to be bearable for a few minutes. he asks wyatt how he knew what to do and wyatt says his nephew is the same. he noticed it a while ago but ilya was always there to help, but he’s glad he was here now. and shane will thank him and wyatt will usher him off to the showers where the hot water will loosen more of the knot in his chest until he’s back with ilya. suddenly, though, shane feels like crying because he’s never had someone else, besides ilya, to bear this weight with and it feels a little liberating.

or shane and ilya who are late to a classic Boodram BBQ™ and now they don’t have time to stop at the store to grab some ginger ale for shane. and he is so disappointed at the prospect of having to drink water all night because he doesn’t drink during the season and he’d rather die than drink a coke, but alas it is what it is. when they get there, they make their way greeting everyone. ilya giving bro hugs and fist bumps while shane politely waves and smiles and no one feels offended for not getting a bro hug in return. all just content to give shane his space. and when they finally all gather around to eat, shane asks where the non-alcoholic cooler is so he can get a drink to sip on while he eats. he opens the cooler and is almost brought to tears when he sees cans upon cans of his favorite brand of ginger ale. he didn’t have to ask… everyone just knew.

or when they’re on a roadie, a few guys decide to get dinner together at a japanese place not too far from the hotel. and shane is staring at the silverware with so much malcontent because it’s literally the ugliest fucking fork he’s ever seen and it should burn to hell. and the chopsticks aren’t even japanese, they’re chinese (and yes they’re different). he texted ilya asking if he’s almost done with his meeting because the travel utensils he carries around are in his duffel bag, but ilya lets him know it’ll be another 20 minutes. but troy barrett, noticing his discomfort, pipes up and says something about a video he saw online about certain sushi’s that are meant to be eaten with your hands and without utensils of any kind and they have them on the menu. and so in true centaurs fashion they ditch the silverware and chopsticks, and eat with their hands. and shane has a soft gentle smile on his lips the entire time.

We don’t talk about this enough. With all the big romantic gestures in The Long Game, this, to me, is one of the most romantic moments.

We know Ilya isn’t a fan of Shane’s restrictive diet. He teases him about it, but Ilya is an expert ragebaiter who knows how to tease the people he cares about when they feel safe and in ways that never really hurt.

Shane is “frantic” in this scene. Ilya has the perfect opening to say something about his diet, and he doesn’t take it. He sees that Shane is panicking, steps in and fixes it. He was looking at that menu thinking about Shane and Shane’s fuckass diet that Ilya doesn’t even like. But he knows this is important to Shane. He knows Shane is already nervous about being on a date with Ilya in public and being with another queer couple. So he meets Shane’s needs without Shane ever having to ask, and he does it quietly, without drawing any attention, so that Shane can save face.

Of course he’s gonna tease him about it a little bit later because that’s what they do. But he only does that AFTER Shane’s had a chance to catch his breath and feel safe again.

#big tpe vibes here ngl…#the high highs and low lows of rr’s writing#reblog#hr

in addition to these excellent tags i will add: this is the beauty of tpe for them right on the page. because shane is looking for the most restrictive option. he's only gonna have a salad.

when ilya chooses for him, he chooses a very balanced meal, something much more likely to meet the nutritional needs of a serious athlete (and not nothing but there's even simple carbs in there!) he makes a choice for shane that is better than the choice shane was going to make for himself. but he also chooses something that is okay with shane, that he knows will make him feel safe, that's within his limits. and shane can allow himself to be taken care of because it's ilya's choice, but ilya wouldn't make a choice that would genuinely distress shane even if i bet ilya would rather shane eat a burger and fries

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

Ilya, however, never quite got the hang of it. He knows a lot of his teammates nap whenever and wherever, falling asleep before games in hotel rooms or resting up on the road, snores filling the team bus or plane, but Ilya can't quite get there. It's probably a remnant from childhood, from not feeling safe enough to let his guard down like that. He can't even imagine what the reaction would have been if his father had come home to find him asleep on the couch. He was certainly quick enough to accuse him of laziness without Ilya handing over additional ammunition for free.

But Ilya loves holding Shane when he naps. He loves how quickly his body grows lax, loves the gradual shift in the depth of his breaths, loves the warmth of his body pressed against him, loves his sleepy little sounds and scrunched little face when he wakes up, loves that Shane trusts him enough to be that vulnerable around him. Shane doesn't really know that Ilya doesn't nap, not with how often Ilya's the one to suggest one, not with the way Ilya makes sure to feign coming out of sleep as soon as he feels Shane shift in his arms in that particular way that suggests he's waking up. He doesn't want to risk Shane feeling like Ilya's doing him a favour with holding him through his naps, doesn't know whether he can admit how much he loves their naps even though they never include Ilya falling asleep. He likes the way things are. He doesn't want to risk it changing.

Luckily, Ilya has grown incredibly good at spotting the first signs of Shane slipping - kind of by ill necessity. He has had to pull him back in a crowded bar after a deep kiss, when Shane was a little too tipsy to keep his defences up; in a hotel lobby when their check-in was delayed and Shane was so tired that a single hand pressed to the back of his neck, firmly digging into the knots there, nearly put him under; in several public bathrooms they'd retreated to in order to escape the crowds, when Shane was already wrung out by socialising and having to be Shane Hollander.

lil fat baby shane in the stroller VIBING

one day when they happen to be in the same city at the same time and shane says something just devastatingly canadian, ilya thinks it’s the perfect opportunity to get him back. he repeats shane’s words but with an extra layer of maple syrup on top just to drive the point home. he grins at him and waits but shane doesn’t laugh. he pauses the smoothie he’s making for himself, frozen strawberry in hand and just stares at ilya for awhile.

“i’ve been echoing you haven’t i?” shane says and his voice is so blank it makes ilya stand up straight where he was leaning on the counter before.

“if echo is what you call it, yes. you steal my accent.”

“oh.” shane nods and plunks the strawberry into the blender and turns it on without giving the ‘loud noise’ warning he usually does. he stares at the white yogurt and ice, watching it all crunch together and go pink. shane watches the blender and ilya watches him and niether of them say anything when he pours his drink into his glass and walks away.

it’s been a few hours now and shane isn’t exactly ignoring ilya. he still lets ilya press up against him on the couch and runs his fingers through his hair while he types stupid boring emails on his laptop. but he isn’t talking. and it’s not a good silence. it’s not a silence that says ‘i’m happy and content so there’s nothing to say’ or even ‘i’m overwhelmed can we just sit and not talk for awhile.’ it’s a thick, heavy silence that says ‘i shouldn’t have talked at all and now i don’t know how to talk again.’ it makes ilya feel sick to his stomach that he unintentionally made his boyfriend so sad.

ilya props his chin up on shane’s shoulder, he weighs his words carefully before deciding on “you can’t help it can you? your echo?”

shane shakes his head and says “no” and then “yes” and then “i don’t know, sometimes?” he rubs his eyes behind his glasses and it would be adorable if it wasn’t a clear sign of distress.

ilya nudges his nose against shane’s long since healed collar bone to say, ‘tell me how it works.’

shane sighs but it’s more out of loving exasperation than real upset so ilya knows he’s on the right track. shane moves his laptop from his lap to the nearby coffee table and ilya doesn’t wait for permission before replacing it with himself. ilya would give just about anything for shane to look up at him.

“i can help it if i focus really hard but it’s like holding in a sneeze.” shane drums his fingers on ilya’s ribs and ilya hums in return, “i try to stop but then things echo around in my head.” he stops for a second and ilya knows to wait for him to continue “i don’t want to make fun of you. i’m not trying to. i really like how you talk, your voice, how you make things sound- i don’t know.”

finally, ilya leaps at the chance to lighten the mood, “my voice is very sexy- shame we cannot all be russian, some of us have to be boring.”

“oh fuck off.” shane shoves him away but he’s smiling just a little at the corners of his mouth and he’s finally looking up at ilya with those brown eyes. ‘there you are.’

“mm no, don’t think so.” iyla takes his chin and kisses him eagerly on the lips, “you like me.” then he bites him on his cheek, “you want to sound like best hockey player ever.”

“you asshole,” shane counterintuitively pulls him closer so their noses bump, “you’re ruining my english. i’ve worked hard on it, you know?”

“poor shane, so sad.”

after quite awhile and quite a few kisses later ilya is back in his spot again, nose tucked in crook of shane’s neck. the silence around them is the light comfortable kind.

“you don’t actually think i sound like that right? the thing you did?”

Run, I love it when you hide by IRAskts - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 3,959)

Shane would like to be chased, he tells Ilya on a nice day when he's visiting the cottage. Ilya thinks it's a great idea.

shall we look at the moon, my little loon? by 18kiwis - (Rating: T, Words: 7,947)

Their relationship is still new or at least newly romantic. It is, without a doubt, the worst possible time for Shane and Ilya to become parents, but, when Alexei dies, that’s just what happens.

Or, after his brother dies, Ilya becomes the guardian of his six-year-old niece. He and an anxious Shane dive head first into parenthood. Featuring Masha and the Bear, s’mores, and loons.

I swear he's half in love with her or something by browniebatters - (Rating: T, Words: 976)

"C'mon man, I know you aren't doing shit right now," Shane heard loud footsteps walking towards the living room area. Fuck Fuck Fuck. He stood up and started looking around for an escape. Just as he was about to make a break for it he heard, "Uh..." and spun around to face a very stunned Cliff Marlow. Fuck.

Shane froze. Oh god, Oh fuck. It seemed to be the only thing his brain could think right now.

Marlow looked at him, mouth open. He then looked at Rozanov, who had followed right behind him - his eyes wide and jaw clenched, and looked back to Shane. 

"...you guys are friends??"

Friends. Right. Because rivals secretly being friends made a hell of a lot more sense than rivals secretly fucking.

OR Cliff Marlow rings Ilya's doorbell as him and Shane are eating their tuna melts.

Yuna Handles the Internet by rideswraptors - (Rating: T, Words: 1,665)

Yuna Hollander finds an article which attempts to describe her son's marriage as a PR relationship. She responds accordingly.

One, two, three, four (Tell Me that You Love Me More) by TroubleIWant - (Rating: G, Words: 1,388)

Ilya and Shane engage in a bloodthirsty, high stakes competition after meeting Shane's parents.

OR

“You did not fall in love first,” Shane says instantly.

“I did!” Ilya insists, sitting up out of reach of any reprisal, and clarifies with full derision: “I said, I love you, and you said, holy shit.”

“Yeah, okay. You loved me first by like two seconds,” Shane scoffs, fondly.

“Hm, is longer than that,” Ilya says. His heartbeat has sped up, but he knows he can admit it now. Even if it means handing Shane the vulnerable beating heart of him, saying this. He maintains the world’s most casual tone, because he knows it will piss Shane off. “I already told you, before the cottage.”

Would you visit? (In a heartbeat) by alzbeta - ( Rating: T, Words: 2,233)

"You have no one. No one could possibly take care of you, let alone like you.” 

The only person who ever did love him unconditionally died years and years ago.

Мама

Holding onto you (please don't let me go) by Catzz089 - (Rating: G, Words: 3,141)

The nurse has seen him. Them. He’s been here too long.

“Hollander.”

Shane looks up at him like he personally hung the moon in the sky and painted the stars.

“I need to go.”

---or---

The crash scene, except Shane's just a little bit more high, and Ilya's walls are just a little bit lower

The Art of Communication (or rather, the lack of) by stanzyts - (Rating: T, Words: 2,826)

Shane is on the verge of a meltdown, and doesn’t tell Ilya.

There are consequences.

Play ground 2.0 by Rayrayor - (Rating: T, Words: 2,354)

Tatianna conquers a playland while her exasperated hockey‑player Papa discovers he is no match for a three‑year‑old with chicken nuggets and zero fear.

Happy Anniversary by sierrakhan03 - (Rating: G, Words: 1,297)

Shane and Ilya treated the entire month of July as their anniversary, since most of the pivotal moments of their relationship had occurred then. The first time they hooked up, after the CCM ad, the first time they confessed their love, and their marriage.

Dennis who can’t afford working hearing aids, so makes do with a pair he found on Facebook marketplace.

Dennis who favours one side significantly, to the point of being convinced that everyone knows (they don’t), and they all must hate him for being useless (they don’t know).

Dennis who uses these janky hearing aids despite constantly giving him a migraine, because he can’t let anything compromise his chances of being a doctor.

Dennis who completely understands that Abbott needs a break from his prosthetic, and is often the first to volunteer to cover his charting in the middle of the shift.

Dennis who cannot give himself allowances, because he’s not properly disabled; not like Abbot is anyway.

Dennis whose hearing loss is “self inflicted” and therefore needs to deal with the consequences of his actions (he was six).

Dennis who absolutely will not let himself have hearing breaks in the middle of a shift, no matter how much pain his ears are in.

Dennis who can’t take his aids out at night because he sleeps in shelters, and his hearing is the first line of defence against an attack.

Dennis who recognises the symptoms of an ear infection, but can’t afford antibiotics and the hospital cracked down on “borrowing” medicine.

Dennis who collapses mid shift after a particularly bad bout of vertigo.

Dennis who doesn’t really remember much after this because the floor was suddenly very, very close, and he was suddenly very, very cold.

…

Robby who sees Dennis pass out on shift.

Robby who curses these damn med students for drinking too much caffeine and not eating enough food.

Robby who walks over to Dennis and tries to rouse him.

Robby who thinks Dennis looks a little too out of it for it to just be low blood sugar.

Robby who touches Dennis and notices he’s ice cold.

Robby who holds Dennis as he starts seizing.

Robby who catches a glimpse of white in his ear, surrounded by red, angry tissue.

Robby who swears loudly and violently when he realises “god-fucking-dammit he’s deaf”.

Robby who curses every god he knows the name of (and he knows a lot) for putting Dennis in this situation.

…

Dennis who wakes up with a very stressed Robby next to him, saying words like “septic shock” and “septic encephalopathy” and “infection spread” and “potential brain damage”.

Robby who raises his voice in frustration, and Dennis who flinches imperceptibly.

Robby who drags Dennis to audiologist appointments and forces him to pick multiple different types of aids so he’ll be comfortable wherever.

Robby who pays for the new aids, but lets Dennis think insurance covers them.

Abbot who forces Dennis to take hearing breaks whenever he takes leg breaks because he’s “bored” and “needs company”.

Abbott who, for the first time in Dennis’ life, sits him down and teaches him the ASL he learnt from his vet friends.

Dennis, who when he formally attends ASL lessons, realises he’s been taught to swear like a sailor, and his vernacular is entirely comprised of military slang.

Dennis who doesn’t understand why Robby and Abbott are being so nice about being deaf, and explains all about how it was his fault that he lost his hearing (he was six).

Abbot who gives Robby a look, and signs him up for therapy the next day.

Dennis, who comes to the realisation that the factors surrounding his hearing loss are heavily consistent with signs of child abuse.

Robby, who can only hug Dennis as he breaks down, mourning the childhood he thought he had.

Abbot, who makes him hot cocoa when he wakes up from nightmares and rocks him back to sleep,

And Dennis.