heated rivalry sideblog.

I have two series, both focused on the emotional intimacy and hot hot sex of a Dom/sub relationship: To Give and Hazard All: During their second summer at the cottage, Shane invents total power exchange out of his own beautiful mind. It isn't easy, playing on different teams and being in a type of relationship other people don't understand. But it's worth it. Can be read in any order. Currently featuring three fics in the main series:

To Give and Hazard All: Their first few days exploring their new dynamic. (total power exchange, kink negotiation, domestic fluff) From the Four Corners of the Earth: Their first season apart as Master and slave. (long distance relationship, kink negotiation) The Dearest Friend to Me: Hayden sees, and misunderstands. (misunderstanding trope, friendship)

And some smutty one-shots.

comfortable: Ilya doesn't feel like getting up to pee. Luckily, Shane's mouth is right there. (piss drinking, service submission) endurance: Ilya wants to whip Shane. Shane wants to be good. (painplay, impact) surfeit: Ilya lets Shane come. Isn't he nice? (forced orgasm, overstimulation) worth: Shane is feeling useless. Ilya finds a good use for him. (human furniture, sensation play, hurt/comfort) desperation: Shane isn't allowed to move. Not even to the bathroom. (omarashi) undone: I don't have a cute summary for this one. Ilya puts a fleshlight in Shane's ass and fucks it. (humiliation, object insertion, punishment) discover: Ilya makes Shane break a rule, and then interrogates him to find out which one. (interrogation play, emotional s&m) service: Shane takes care of a depressed Ilya (service submission, non-sexual submission) wet: Ilya plays with Shane's mouth (spit kink, face-fucking) ruined: Shane comes without permission and is punished with a week of having to share his most humiliating fantasies (ruined orgasms, sexting hollanov style)

Mean Dom Ilya Week: These were the first things I wrote for this fandom!

day one: Shane asks for what he wants. (kink negotiation) day two: Shane gets hurt on the ice. Ilya is not pleased that his property is damaged. (punishment, CBT) day three: Ilya makes Shane be his girl (forced feminization, roleplay) day four: Ilya doesn't want to like it when Shane says no, but he does. (cnc, rape roleplay) day 4.5: They find a way to fulfill the fantasy (drugged sex, CNC, rape fantasy) day five: Ilya uses Shane as an ashtray. (objectification, cigarettes) day six: Ilya can use Shane whenever he wants, and put him away when he doesn't. (objectification, sexy ignoring) day seven: Shane and Ilya go to a BDSM club (exhibitionism, safewording, aftercare)

Then I have some standalone pieces: win a losing game: When a scene goes wrong, Shane finds it easy to forgive Ilya. It’s not so easy for Ilya to forgive himself. we need to talk: A remix of the Tampa hotel scene, with a lot less growing emotional honesty and a lot more unnegotiated humiliation kink. gifts ungiven: Now that they're in a relationship, they know they're supposed to have a safeword. Shane hates it. the world in my arms: Shane experiences subdrop during one of their very first hookups. made terrible: Ilya is distraught after a phone call from his brother. Shane knows how to comfort him (by submitting sexually, obviously) just not that into you: Shane helps Ilya cope with the sexual side effects of his SSRIs by roleplaying that he's just not that into Shane.

And a few multi-chapter things:

i've always known who you are: Shane gets an autism diagnosis and explores the fallout with his family, with Ilya's support. (chapters 3/3, complete) uberrima fides: When Ilya proposes and open relationship during The Long Game, Shane assumes it's because he has no intention of being faithful himself, and decides he's going to be okay with that. (chapters 2/2, complete) coming home to you (with my own blood in my mouth): Shane is brutally sexually assaulted. This is the long way home. (chapters 14/20-ish, WIP) a strange door: Ilya's plane crash text to Shane is actually his suicide note. (chapters 2/3, WIP)

in to give and hazard all, there's a loooot of orgasm denial in the first ~2 years of their dynamic, mostly because it's a straightforward way for them both to feel secure in the 24/7 nature of it (shane is always giving ilya control of his orgasms, he can never come without permission, even when they're in different states like watching television he's still in that sense submitting). as time goes on, you might notice shane is coming in about half of their scenes, because the dynamic loosens up over time as they both start to feel secure that it's real and it's there even if there's not always a tangible enactment of it.

in the fic i just posted, shane has a fantasy about permanent chastity. they're both very turned on by this fantasy because it would represent such an extreme act of submission, and specifically because it would be so awful for shane and they both generally enjoy shane doing things he straight-up does not want to do for ilya. but shane begs ilya not to actually enact it, and ilya reassures him he would never actually want that. conceptually the idea of "only ilya gets physical pleasure out of sex" is hot because of what it would mean about their power dynamic, but actually ilya would never want to give up making shane come. he really likes seeing shane come! he likes knowing he's the one who does that to him! he loves shane and wants him to feel good! (and i do think that actually shane would be suffering in an un-fun way in permanent chastity, for psychological reasons like what you mentioned, and ilya only makes shane suffer in un-fun ways in the short term)

i'm not someone who particularly kinks on long-term chastity, although i like all forms of orgasm control. i think the appeal is pretty much what shane fantasizes about in "ruined"--what if sex was only about what you want, what if i was always desperate/frustrated/uncomfortable, etc. it can also be about learning to appreciate other kinds of physical and sexual pleasure more, and this is where i think it might be less likely to be about reinforcing the "not deserving pleasure" idea than you're imagining, because there are a lot of kinds of pleasure to take in sex other than orgasm (actually just wrote something about that too, i suppose!) and for shane specifically, who seems to love every single second of getting fucked, there could be something freeing about not having to experience sexual pleasure the "normal" way because he's not able to.

shane's issues about sex are also different than religious sex shame imo! i don't actually think shane is especially sexually repressed. he doesn't deny himself pleasure--other than the Hole Chase, he never says no to what ilya offers him. what shane is ashamed of is being gay, not wanting to fuck men (or get fucked by men), as evidenced by the fact that .2 seconds after rose diagnoses him with gay he's like "btw i'm a hole". he's not afraid of feeling good, he's afraid of letting people down through his own imperfection; in that sense i think anything that allows him to hand pressure to be sexually "normal" over to ilya could be a relief from ilya's perspective: like i said, i cannot imagine ilya would want to give up on that sweet sweet shane o-face. but there's an emotional appeal to it. what you said here: "to be actually needed, like emotionally, to be wanted for the intimacy he can give someone, not wanted superficially just for his money or looks or skill. watching shane receive the pleasure he has spent his life denying himself, being the one to facilitate that, is an incredibly emotionally intimate act that i would imagine ilya loves knowing he alone can provide." is all super true of #myilya, for sure. but i think he could also get this need met through the trust shane would be putting in him to still make sex pleasurable and to make these decisions for him. i also define ilya's core emotional need a little differently--he does need to be needed, but i think what he really needs is to be valued, and i think he feels that anytime shane gives something up for him. i think his obsession with shane starts, not because shane needs ilya, but because shane treats him with kindness in addition to wanting him. ilya doesn't actually know that he's shane's only source of sexual pleasure! but he does know that shane is constantly trying to express interest in him as a person and care for him even as ilya is trying to shove him away, and he knows that shane is willing to be vulnerable even when ilya is cruel, and i think those are big factors in his obsession. and "i'll let you decide when i come even if it's never" is big vulnerable when he's cruel energy.