no effort is wasted

We see this with David’s inquisition about youtube and Yuna’s various questions to both of them throughout dinner.

The vast majority of Ilya’s family conversations have been silence or statements met with a yes or no.

So he really gets thrown in the deep end with three Hollanders who all seem to communicate through endless questions.

He also learns they get very excited to be asked questions. ‘David, how did the offices summer party go? David, why did you re-uh-reupholster the boat?’ or ‘Yuna, do you think Pittsburgh will make playoffs? Sveta does, but… Yuna, how did you get the surround-sound quality so good?’

I feel like if the plan was just to ask, he would have said, “I wanted to ask you something.”

So, this leads me to the conclusion that Shane was preparing Tuna Melt: The Sequel. But of course, Shane was convinced he could do it better. He was going to make sure Ilya didn’t freak out and run away like he did during Ilya’s grand plan.

I imagine that he planned to ask Ilya to stay - to “make up” for last time - cook something Ilya liked, maybe something Russian, give him cokes, get him absolutely fuck drunk of course, and then super casually bring up his cottage.

Ilya, as evidenced by his home, was a man of architectural taste, Shane could tell. (Ilya couldn’t care less)

Therefore! Once Shane starts talking about how he had the cottage built, where he sourced the materials, etc., he would surely have Ilya enthralled. (So bored he would have died)

And then Shane would go for the kill and very nonchalantly mention Ilya could visit to see it. If he wanted. In the summer, of course.

Ilya would jump at the veil of just seeing the architecture and they would get a week together that they don’t have to think to hard about.

He comes across the sentence, “a common behavior in herding breeds is staring intensely at their human until they get what they want.”

He screenshots it and sends it to Shane.

Ilya: You.

He used to have them frequently as a child. His mother told him it was the stress of being a young athlete, that it caught up to him at night in the form of monsters chasing him or dark forests or being unable to speak. She would say, "bad dreams are cowards, my love, they wouldn't dare come get you while you're awake."

The first time it happens when Shane is sleeping next to him is about seven months into their marriage. Ilya startles awake, like he always does. A thin layer of sweat clings to his skin. He's shaking. He hates the feeling of shaking.

He tries to keep his breathing under control as he carefully climbs out of bed, not wanting to disturb his husband.

It doesn't work though, because he hears a rough, "Ilya?"

Ilya tries to keep his voice low and steady. Embarrassingly, his voice still breaks, "water."

"Water?" Shane propped himself up and looks him over. "What's wrong?"

"Is nothing," Ilya said, a little stronger and climbed back into bed, abandoning the pretense of getting water. "Sorry. Just a nightmare."

"No," Shane shifted over to him. "Want to talk about it?"

"Hm," Ilya shook his head and ran a shaky hand through Shane's hair. He fucking hated nightmares. They left him shaky and out of control and untethered. "It was nothing...bad. Was just stupid. I was running and then there was...nothing. I fell, I guess, I don't know."

"It's not stupid," Shane said in that earnest way that always tugged at Ilya's chest. His eyes caught on Ilya's shaking hands and he shoved them under the blanket.

Shane's eyes raked over him and Ilya felt the urge to turn away. He almost got up, but before he could, Shane's hand trailed up to his inner thigh.

Ilya raised an eyebrow at him.

Shane, a faint blush on his cheeks despite the fact they had been married for seven months and have been fucking for their entire adult lives.

"Ilya," Shane looked up at him through his thick lashes. "I need you."

That startled a little laugh out of him. Because, what?

"Right now?"

Shane nodded, and shifted again to nuzzle against Ilya's chest. "You woke me up an' now I'm horny. Was having a good dream."

"Were you?" Amusement shined on Ilya's face. He was not, the fucking liar. Ilya would bet money that he wasn't.

"Sure," Shane said and looked up again. "But I need you. How do you want me?"

That never failed to get heat to pool in Ilya's stomach. Shane needed him - he needed instructions and Ilya needed to provide them. To take care of him. He let that need melt away the shakiness and uncertainty of his nightmare.

Ilya took ahold of Shane's face, forcing his eyes to stay on him. "So needy."

"For you."

"Get on your back, feet flat," Ilya commanded, feeling a calmness settle over him until his world narrowed into a sharp focus on his husband. "I'm going to take you apart, but you are not going to come."

Shane whined. Mean.

"If I let you come," Ilya continued as Shane got into position. "It will be on my cock."

"If!" Shane complained as Ilya stripped both their boxers off. "Ilya, I need..."

"I know exactly what you need," Ilya hooked Shane's legs over his shoulders.

As Ilya gave his husband exactly what he needed, he felt more and more like himself. His hands steadied out, his body stopped shaking, the feeling of air under his feet solidified into firm ground.

Shane was a little more grounded than he would usually be at this point. His eyes would sharpen for a moment to scan over Ilya before letting the waves of pleasure pull him back under.

Ilya knew, of course he knew, exactly what his husband was doing. It might not have seemed romantic but, to Ilya, it was everything. It was understanding and love and Ilya loved this man so much he felt tears brim in his eyes.

Shane is messy in the kitchen (cleans everything after), Ilya cleans as he goes. This causes problems when they cook together. 'where is my measuring cup?' 'in the dishwasher'. They compromise with designated counter space

They have very different workout music. They keep headphones in the gym and don't play music on the gym Alexa if the other one is also there.

Shane doesn't really care about wasting food. Even though Ilya did not grow up poor, wasting food was a big no-go at home and it still makes him anxious when Shane throws away a full box of granola bars because he 'didn't like it'. Shane will now set anything that is not expired to the side for Ilya to either claim as his or take to their community pantry.

Shane does not like dog hair everywhere. Ilya takes Anya to be fully brushed out at her groomers once a week and bathed at least once a month.

Ilya loves to fall asleep to the sound of a TV going. Shane hates it and can barely sleep with a TV running. They buy a TV with a cut-off timer so if Ilya feels the need to fall asleep with it on, it will shut itself off by 11:00pm.

Shane is a front seat driver. This irritates Ilya to no end. Its a constant stream of, 'you need to be in the right lane, get in front of this car, why are you going down Central Street, Clearwater is faster, the speed limit is 55 here'. So Shane drives most the time and Ilya gets to pick the music.

Shane is a sore loser at video games. Ilya does not care, which makes Shane more upset. They tried to play Fortnight once (on the twins' suggestion) and Ilya got them both killed because he wouldn't stop fucking around with that stupid fucking dumpster tunnel and got us fucking killed. Ilya buys some less competitive games, but that kind of backfires, too. Shane, with a smug fucking grin asked him the other day, my island is already paid off. What's your loan at?

The both think their way of loading the dishwasher is the correct one.

Ilya is not good about communicating when something upsets him. He gets quiet and short with Shane and will say 'I'm fine' when he isn't. Shane learns to give him a couple hours of no questions or talking and Ilya will be able to decompress and come around.

Ilya will rearrange rooms sometimes without consulting Shane. Or, he'll buy something for the house without consulting Shane. 'What is this?' 'New fridge.' 'But I liked our old fridge.' 'Okay but this is an upgrade.' Ilya works on communicating better before making those kinds of decisions.

Their baby was growing so fast and she was getting to be so independent, better able to express her idea and interests and preferences. They both loved watching her grow.

She was also, like her dad, Ilya would tease, a runner. Anytime she saw an opening, she would yank her little hand out of theirs and take off. They were working on it and their pediatrician said it was very normal, but it was still terrifying.

One day, during a family lake day, Ilya decides they need a fire. He goes off to gather some firewood from the border of the beach and forest while Shane watches their daughter.

Ilya drops the wood and runs back when he hears and panicked, "Lera!"

What he doesn't know is that from the very moment Ilya said, "so we meet at your house." Shane was plotting, planning, and scheming.

He knew they couldn't be caught together. By anyone. They were so early in their careers and way too many people knew where he lived.

So, the obviously solution was to buy a secret apartment.

This man was researching real estate, trying to convince his financial advisor that yes, the first major property investment I want is an apartment building in the middle of nowhere and I only want to rent out half of it to a non-residential tenant and I do not want to live in it AND ALSO you cannot tell my mom about this.

Ilya was texting him about how much he "wanted these 9 inches" while Shane was emailing an interior decorator for this new property. He was building and decorating them a little nest while Ilya was like, "okay, OKAY, this dick pic will get his attention FOR SURE."

And, like, obviously Shane was enjoying the fact he was playing hard to get.

He bought the fireplace and had to redo nearly the whole fucking roof to install the chimney. He picked out the towels and soaps for the bathroom. He selected the mattress he wanted and thought, "fuck, this is the mattress he's going to fuck me into." It was so much different from when he decorated his apartment. Here, in this apartment, everything was going to be used and seen by Ilya. Eventually.

A finally, finally, when everything was perfect, Shane texted Ilya the address.

So the Russian team managers are like, there is only one person who can save this team. Only one person who, together with Rozanov, would be enough to defeat (Finland, Sweden, Latvia, etc.). And the whole team is like, 'who could possibly be as good as Rozanov?'

And its him. Shane Hollander.

But of course, Shane Hollander is Canadian. He can't play for a Russian team.

Unless.

He has to get married to a player. When they ask him in a 'please Obi-Wan, you're my only hope' sort of way, he says, 'but it's illegal in Russia'. Which, it is. But the government has made an exception. To save hockey.

Of course Rozanov is the only single player on the team so Shane has to marry him. Because if he doesn't international hockey will fall apart without Russia (again, he understands that makes no fucking sense). So very reluctantly, Shane agrees to marry him. For hockey.

They have practice afterwards and of course Shane shocks and amazes them with his awesome hockey skills. But not Rozanov, that's crucial, Rozanov isn't impressed, he expects Shane to be that damn good. He competes against Rozanov and wins by just the slightest amount every time.

And that night, they have to room together obviously, to keep up the fake marriage ruse. Rozanov starts to come onto him and he's like, "what the fuck, dude, go away.' And Rozanov is like, "we have to consummate the marriage or it doesn't count and if people find out we didn't fuck then hockey will be destroyed forever, please Hollander."

So Shane lets Rozanov fuck him for hockey.

Annnnnd that's usually as far as he get before he hears -

"Shane!"

"Sorry what?"

"Your order?" Hayden motions to the waitress standing by their table patiently, but definitely a little annoyed.

And it was Ilya who shut that down because he was scared Shane might try that with other people and get sick.

While it was definitely not his place and a little unfair to say while fucking him, Ilya had said, “you never, fucking ever let anyone fuck you raw, you understand? People are fucking liars, you don’t let anyone fuck you raw unless you are with them. Do you understand me, Hollander?”

Shane never brought it up again.

But now Ilya was going to bring it up. And that meant, if Hollander even remembered his desperate command from years ago, that he considered himself ‘with’ Hollander. Or at least, he wanted to be.

Then all three Hollanders would talk around it without actually talking about it for the rest of the weekend.

"Rozanov actually seems pretty nice in person."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Maybe we could invite him to grab dinner with us."

"No."

"You really hate him that much?"

"No, I just - like, we're not friends or whatever."

"Okay, where should we get dinner then?"

"I can't. I have plans tonight."

"Alright then, you boys have fun."

"What?"

Why did you headcanon them as a bad captains/leaders who can't control their shitty ass team from being fucking weirdos

Hi! I don't think they are bad captains or leaders. Nor do I think their team are weirdos (at least, not intentionally). I think that they are in an environment where it is both (1) very common to talk/brag about sex openly. And (2) where their team doesn't have much experience being around queer people. I think this can cause some uncomfortable scenarios, but I believe that the Cens are trying to be, at their core, accepting and inclusive.

Also, captains on hockey teams generally don't have that much power. They aren't the coach. Really, the only formal power captains have is talking to refs. That's not to say the Cens don't view them as leaders, but them ordering either "no more locker room talk" or "no more talking about our relationship" is just something I personally can't see either of them doing.

Plus, I don't think either Ilya or Shane would view the occasional comment about their sexual arrangements as totally bad. Like in the head-cannon, Ilya likes it. He finds it hot that they think Shane is the top when he's not. Ilya even feeds into it, because he likes teasing Shane. Shane is mostly annoyed about the whole 'who's the man' aspect, but he's not truly offended by their comments.

Until.

Ilya is watching Shane interact with Luca one day. Luca says something and Shane repeats it in Luca's Swiss accent. Luca doesn't really seem to notice or care. Shane isn't acting like he's making fun of Luca. And when Ilya comes over, he even says 'hey' in Luca's accent.

And Ilya then does some googling. He comes across the phrase 'echolalia' and reads the sentence: "-especially when individuals feel comfortable or have a strong relationship with the person they are imitating."

She loved having a task, she excelled at having a task. 

Her current task, while with a bit more moving parts than others, was her most interesting task since Shane was 4 and Get Him into the MHL slotted into her mind. This task was a curly haired Russian, that she spent the better part of the decade indignantly annoyed at, sitting in her living room looking through a baby photo album with her husband while her red-faced son pointedly watched an uninteresting rerun game on the television. 

She leaned against the doorframe, allowing herself a moment to enjoy something she was starting to worry she would never have - Shane with a partner. Over the years, her vision of her son’s future shifted from him and hockey-loving, kind wife to him with a husband. But never could she have thought Rozanov would be that husband. Not that they were husbands - apparently they were only boyfriends as of a few days ago. 

Still, she always joked to her friends that Shane was married to hockey. His hockey rival and second best player in the league was probably as close as he could legally get to marrying hockey. 

She must have let out a small laugh that Shane misinterpreted as being directed at David showing Ilya photos of his fifth halloween - the first one where he was old enough to choose his own outfit. And, exactly two months after he started playing hockey. 

“Mom!” He whined. ‘Fully grown adult’ her ass. 

“Yes, honey?”

“A hockey player, Hollander?” Ilya teased, delight shining through his features. 

“Not just any player,” he grumbled. 

“You’ll never guess what he was next year.”

“Not the same one!” Shane protested. Ilya must not have realized that he stumbled into a decades long argument that no, Shane, dressing up as different hockey players is not a different costume. 

Eventually the conversation transitioned into dinner. After it was decided there wasn’t much at the house, and they couldn’t go out with Ilya with them, something that sent a little pang of hurt through Yuna’s chest, they all got on their various food delivery apps to look for a suitable place. 

Then eventually settled on a sushi-fusion restaurant that Ilya found and his phone was passed around for everyone to place their orders. 

When Ilya got his phone back, Shane leaned over and asked, “how much is mine and my parents?”

Ilya scoffed, a little insulted. Though he shouldn’t be, Yuna considered, Shane had always had a very rigid sense of fairness and would get upset if he thought something was unfair. A lot of people found it annoying. Yuna found it incredibly sweet. 

“I am worth 12 million dollars, Hollander, I think I can afford DoorDash.” 

“12 million?” Yuna’s eyebrows shot up. Because, what. That couldn't be his total net worth, could it?

“Yes, I am very rich.” 

“No, that’s…” she trailed off. “What are you spending so much money on?”

“Jesus mom, you can’t just ask that.”

“What? It’s a perfectly reasonable question. Between his MHL salary and sponsorships, that’s low.”

“That is low?” Ilya looked at Shane. “How much money do you have in bank?”

Shane groaned. “You’re as bad as her. And most of my assets are tied up in investments and stocks.” 

Ilya had a blank look. “Okay.” 

“Ilya, do you have a financial advisor?” Yuna asked. “Or a wealth manager?”

“I think so?” 

Yuna clicks her tongue. Task. 

“Shane’s net worth is public information - he’s worth about 120 million. He has about an eighth of that in liquid assets - money in the bank.” 

“You really have that much money?” 

“He’s the highest paid player in the league,” Yuna said with no small amount of pride. She did negotiate a ground breaking 8 year 50 million dollar contract after his rookie season. “He also has nine premium sponsors, not to mention his investment portfolio. You should be nearly at that too - you two have had very similar careers.” 

“Hmm,” Ilya shrugged and turned to her son. “Is okay, you can be my - what is the word, sugar daddy?”

“Never say that again.” 

“Anyway,” Yuna continued. “I can send you some recommendations for an advisor. I mean, it's your money of course, but it can go fast. Especially with how early hockey players generally retire. Or if you get injured, god forbid.”

“No, it’s,” Ilya shifted in his seat, eyes cutting to Shane. “That is good. You can send advisor details. Thank you.” 

“Of course,” Yuna dismissed. Ilya thanked them much too often. But it didn’t feel performative. It felt genuine. 

~*~*~*~

Eventually, Yuna got an opportunity to sit down with Ilya and his new financial advisor. He had asked her, somewhat shyly, if she would attend their meeting. Now that he and Shane were out, he had decided to take her up on the new advisor. But, as he told her, he was still not so good at English business terms. 

She had felt so warm that he asked her. 

She felt a little less warm that he asked her not to tell Shane what they were doing. As far as Shane knew, they were getting lunch. 

She understood when she started looking over the documents the new advisor laid out for them. 

Anger, hot and uncomfortable rose up in her chest. But she pushed it down because that was not what Ilya needed. Ilya, who was sitting with his arms crossed, not looking at either of them. A faint blush on his cheeks. 

Because his very limited investment assets were barely four years old. For the first five years of his career, he had sent nearly everything back home. There were payments to his father, his brother, his step-mother. Trusts for his niece and his step-mother’s children. There was a house bought in an uncle’s name. There was a private school for his niece. There were random wire transactions to his brother for odd amounts - 20k, 15k, 56k. There were even salaries paid to private chefs and house cleaners. There was a weird split of money between Russian and American banks.

What wasn’t sent back was spent on severely depreciating assets like sports cars. Rounds of alcohol at bars and clubs. Thousands of dollars spent on random Amazon purchases, designer clothes, etc. His Boston house with a criminally high interest rate. He hadn’t even bought it outright, even though he had plenty of money to do so. He had maxed out credit cards with debt he would wipe out today and not even feel it. 

His liquid assets, which were basically his only assets, weren’t even in a high yield account. At least, not as high yielding as it could be. 

He was almost living paycheck-to-paycheck in a very rich way. More like contract to contract. He would exhaust his 8 million dollar/2 year contract and then sign another one. His contracts, too. They were much lower and shorter than Yuna would ever allow her son to have with his stats and experience. 

His financial history read very much like an 18 year old boy who had been thrown into a foreign city, with a language he wasn’t totally familiar with, and no one with his best financial interests at heart. Only a family that wanted to exploit him and a new team he desperately wanted to impress. 

But Yuna pushed all that away, shook it off, and considered the plan. “This is a great starting place.”

Both Ilya and the advisor’s eyes shot to hers but she refused to back down, leveling the advisor with a hard look. 

“It is?” Ilya asked. 

“Of course,” Yuna gathered up a few documents. “You have 17 million dollars in liquid assets. You have a great contract with the Cens for three more years. That’s a much better starting point than the vast majority of people.”

“Not as good as Shane,” Ilya pointed out.

I think it would start as a joke. Shane is struggling with some Russian homework and finally breaks and asks Ilya for help because it’s due tomorrow. He usually doesn’t let Ilya help because Ilya finds it boring and then becomes a Distraction. One that Shane is very weak to.

So Ilya is leaning over Shane’s desk and suddenly takes Shane’s reading glasses off his face and puts them on, studying Shane’s blocky writing. He’s joking that Shane’s handwriting is so bad that maybe the glasses will help.

And Shane’s just like. Oh.

Ohhhhh

He finally gets the glasses thing. But Ilya’s actually busy looking at Shane’s work now so he doesn’t notice Shane’s parting lips and the red spreading over his face.

“Ah, I see mistake. You mixed up - Shane, what are you - oh…”

And Shane has already pushed the chair away and is on his knees, hands on Ilya’s waistband with a little ‘please’.