arzeus

I wrote multiple drafts, that I never posted. I don't know why exactly. They just didn't feel right.

At the moment I'm thinking about asking my endocrinologist for a higher dose of testosterone. I met an old friend and some other trans guys, who told me about their dosage and progress. It seems like I should be able to go on two pumps, instead of just one a day. My blood work has always looked good and my progress feels very stagnant, so I think it's very much possible.

In the last half year I wore skirts in the first time since forever again. I even went out in one. When I look in the mirror, feminine clothing doesn't make me look like a girl anymore. I look more like a guy in a skirt or a guy at a cute slumber party.

I have my official name change appointment this week. Changing both name and gender entry will cost me 60€. I also have a new testo prescription I have to get, that will also cost me 10€.

I know 70€ isn't much compared to how difficult and expensive things are in other countries, but it's interesting to see how even here, where we have healthcare and new laws, I'll have to spend 70€ to be myself. It's also a one time thing. I only need a new prescription every 6 months, so that's pretty chill. It just happened to fall on the same month as the legal change stuff. But I'll also have to get a new ID, drivers license and other stuff that's not going to be cheap.

I just saw a post about crying on testosterone and thought I'd share my experience so far.

I don't think it's exactly harder to cry, just different. I have bawled my eyes out just a few months ago, pretty similar to how I did before hrt. Sometimes I feel like crying, but my previous standard light crying with wet sobbs has been replaced with dry sobbing and yowling.

Puberty is hitting my skin hard. I thought I just got lucky and wouldn't have to worry, but seems like it caught up with me. There's things on my neck that look a bit like alien eggs...

Something I myself didn't really notice, but others pointed out to me: stuff in my throat moves visibly more when I talk. I haven't checked the progress of my voice in a while, but I'm pretty sure it just drops continuously.

Yesterday I had an appointment at the registry office to legally change my name and gender. My name will be shortened to my nickname and my gender will be left blank.

I called on the first day the new law came into effect, the 1st of august, but they were pretty busy, so we made the appointment for a little later. I now have to wait three months, then I can go back there and tell them, that I didn't change my mind and then it will be official. I'll have to get a new ID, passport, driver's license, bank card, health insurance card and whatever else there is.

It kind of feels like I've won now. Like they didn't want me to do this for to long, but I did it anyways.

Something else that has been on my mind for a while now, is my sexual identity. I was a girl who liked girls and guys and everyone else for a long long time and I was pretty happy calling myself bisexual. Since then I transitioned and also noticed, that I'm mostly into people that are feminine in their presentation and/or their identity. Since I also fit in that category of somewhat feminine, being a femboy, I feel very connected to the label sapphic. I read some posts about he/him lesbians that make me feel pretty validated to call myself sapphic.

Long time no see!

I read/saw a few posts about other people's transition experiences the last few days and wanted to write a bit about how mine was different.

First of all: I'm pretty happy that I haven't gotten taller or bigger feet. A little bit of height would have been nice, but I was so scared I would have to buy new shoes. From what I've seen online it's not that unusual to grow noticeably, so I guess I got lucky.

I'm still amazed by how fast my facial hair got dark. They have gotten more since I noticed the first ones, but it's not that noticeable of a change. It's not even just my moustache that got dark! I also found two little hairs on my chin. The peach fuzz on my cheeks just got a lot longer, but not dark yet.

I'm pretty sure my scent has already started changing, but not as extreme as some other people's. I didn't have a moment when I noticed it being overwhelmingly strong and different. So far I've gotten through the day with just normal deodorant in the morning.

My voice is still cracking all over the place. I haven't talked so much that it hurt in a long time. Maybe it got better or I just talked less. The louder I talk the wilder the voice cracks get, but I've gotten used to it. I'm excited to see where it ends up when the cracking stops.

If everything works out I can change my name at the end of this year. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shorten it to my nickname, but I'll probably use at least one other name online. I just don't feel comfortable using a new name in real life. Online and real life also feel a bit like different people, not just because of the difference in language.

I have been on gel since the first day and I'm very happy with my results so far. There seems to be some people having issues with gel not being absorbed, but there's also so many who it works for. So if anyone isn't comfortable with shots, but isn't sure if gel works at all, it does for a lot of people. I don't know how high the chance of it not working is, but I've only heard about it recently after years of being in trans spaces online, so it doesn't seem to be that many people who have this issue.

Today is the last day of my first year on T. I'm on my sixth bottle of gel.

My voice has dropped significantly. These are both of me trying to talk as deep as comfortably possible.

I've grown a visible little mustache as well as very long and dark hair on the lower part of my legs. My hair also became more structured and untameable. Of course there's more body hair, bottom growth, no period, skin issues, strength...

Everything I expected and more.

It's been a wild few weeks!

I've been having crazy voice breaks. Talking a bit louder than normal sounds like a rollercoaster. It's very exciting but also a bit annoying, because after talking for 2 hours straight my throat starts hurting. But I love talking!!

My facial hair is also slowly making progress. The peach fuzz on my cheeks is way longer and my moustache gets darker and darker.

I'm not really close with other trans masc people in real life, so I went looking for discord servers to chat about transitioning stuff. I found a few, but they are all pretty small. On my search I stumbled over a few general trans servers, one of them seemingly entirely inhabited by chasers 🥲

Also: I went to my first gaming/anime/nerd convention! It was not that big but soo cool. Probably the perfect size for me, because I could look at everything multiple times before I got tired and wanted to leave. Maybe I'll actually make a cosplay for my next con.

my con companions

I feel like I want a new name. But maybe I just want to be seen as a new person and not be connected to who I was.

The name I'm going by right now is a nickname for my birth name. Most of my family and my friends have been using it since before I figured out I'm trans. It's also gender neutral and a name that's actually used in scandinavian countries.

Still, it feels like especially my close family doesn't see me as who I am. It seems like they still see me as some kind of girl I never really was. I'm pretty sure this influences my issues with my name a lot.

I have been looking for fitting names a lot, but nothing really feels like me. Even if so many are really pretty! Of course it's also just scary to change something big like this and having to tell people.

I tried to write a new post a few times now and finally did it. I guess I just didn't really have the energy.

I don't think anything crazy happened transition wise. It feels a bit like I'm in season 3 of puberty, because my voice is cracking more again. Maybe my facial hair is also a bit darker. A friend at uni commented on it when we saw each other again after months. So I'm not imagining it!

I also think I'm getting better at correcting my teachers. Most of the time I just mumble to myself but sometimes I actually correct them.

Christmas was uneventful. My mom got me a men's shower set, that was pretty funny. Other than that, I had a little talk about pronouns with her, that went well.

Since I got back I had a lot to think about. It wasn't an issue when I was gone, but now that I'm back with my partner, my desire is through the roof. It's actually annoying.

It also made me think about the possibility of being on the ace spectrum again. Sounds like the exact opposite, doesn't it? Well, I've noticed over the years how I only feel desire, even when alone, if I have a person to I'm into. When I'm single and not looking, I feel it maybe every third month. The few days at my parents' I was away from my partner who I usually live with. We also didn't text a lot. Before and after my desire was 📈, you know, how a teenage boy just is. During it was practically non existent?! So either my parents really stressed me out or my desire is very connected to other people.

In other news: I'm starting to struggle with my name.

I've been using a nickname I've had since second grade. I also use it in a chat game app I've been using a lot for reasons and it feels so wrong. Yes, it's just a short version of my dead name, but I thought it would be good. I'm so scared of getting a completely new name and having to explain it to my family. Why can't I just be comfortable with the nickname?

I mentioned how it feels like the second wave of puberty in my last post. It really is! All of the stuff that I already experienced, and that got less again, is happening again!

The worst thing first: The horny. The first wave I still thought "Wow. Why did I even stress?" but now I know... I don't know how the average teen boy survives this. My partner is just laughing, because they know it will get even worse 🥲 It actually made my sleep schedule shitty, because I do stuff before I finally go to sleep?!

I'm still not the healthiest bean on the block. So in worries of my moustache shadow not being visible enough on Christmas, we didn't shave it. But I trimmed it a tiny bit with some scissors in hopes for the stubbles to become more visible.

Talking about Christmas: I'm feeling so weird about it. The thing is, I'm out to my close family, but not the extended one. My mom told her sisters some stuff, but I don't know what exactly. My parents are horrible at gendering me correctly. At least my mom sometimes tries. The only person really supporting all my shenanigans is my sister. Thanks to her, even the dog of her boyfriend knows the right pronouns 😌

Anyways, I know my mom and dad won't correct anyone if they misgender me. I also know my one aunt picked up on the name I then used after my mom told her about it, so she's pretty cool. I talked to my grandma about the stuff a lot, but she is stubborn. But the rest of the people, I have no clue how they will handle it.

There will probably be some small children who could remember me from before I transitioned. But I'll just tell them I went to the doctor, because something was wrong with my body, if they even ask.

The face in the mirror changed ever so slightly over the last months. Somehow it arrived at a point where I don't see a "girl" anymore. Only a boy in cute pyjamas.

I still haven't done my first shave. My partner and I are both pretty sick, so we just had other stuff on our minds. I hope we can time it right, so I'll have visible stubble for the holidays at my parents' house. One of my uncles saw me two weeks ago and didn't recognise me immediately. My hopes are high for the reactions from other family members!

It seems like my whole body is going through a new wave of changes. I noticed some more sensitivity similar to the first time I noticed visible bottom growth. Just living in this body since I started hrt has been an adventure.

Like any cliché femboy I started drinking monster energy... I don't know what to do with that, but it happened.

here's my cat dealing monster 🥲