Меня зовут Соня. Мне 26 лет. Я - транс-девушка из Сибири.

Ровно две недели назад я начала гормональную терапию и в честь этого решила начать вести свой блог.

Этот блог будет о моем пути к обретению себя. Я буду делиться своими маленькими достижениями, настроением, моими увлечениями.

A little vulnerable post

Today marks a special day, 3 years ago I started HRT after what felt like a century. I can’t even explain the weight that fell off my shoulders that day. Finally, I could begin my medical transition.

It’s like the years before were all just a bad dream. I’d be lying if I said it was a piece of cake, because let’s face it, hormones can be intense. The way not only my body changed, but also my way of thinking and mental state, has been mind-blowing.

Now, 3 years later, I can also say I’m 7 months post-op, another step in my transition I never imagined I’d already have access to.

this will be my dedicated post i add onto every month to keep track of my feelings and changes on testosterone.

Month 1 🎉

first day immediately i could tell my hormones were different. my throat did the thing and it felt like my voice was breaking already lol. started feeling generally happier and emotionally stable.

over the first few weeks bottom growth hit me like a TRUCK. i grew over 3cm, I'm now at almost 6cm total. that's 2.3 inches. tip sensitivity is fucking crazy, i did not expect that. throat hurting here and there, minor body hair on my shoulders. face itching like shit with insane peachfuzz that's golden fucking blonde.

this past week has HIT. i am officially going through puberty. my emotions are intense and weird, I'm dissociating quite a bit more because i am just fucking exhausted. i could barely sleep the past few nights. food tastes different. I'm sweating more than ever. my face is oily and pimpled. I'm constantly thinking about sex. hair growing in on my stomach. random bouts of energy and depression, no inbetween. time is dragging like crazy, but that might just be unfortunate timing-- just a week earlier i lost my family pet, a family member. so that's definitely adding onto the emotional turmoil and rollercoastering. but I'm managing well, nothing I can't face. i am infact feeling like i have a shorter fuse, paired with lack of sleep (seriously I've been waking up every two hours) i am fairly irritable. but we ball.

i did start with prior hormonal issues, and i feel miles better on testosterone. i would trade this for nothing in the world, estrogen poisoned my body. i would rather do this twice than feel it in my system again. no ragrets /ref

MONTH 2 LETS GO

i got sick so this update had to be delayed by a few days. getting better though :]

month 2 was just horny. it takes over my mind like venom now. my anemic ass almost passes out when it gets too intense cause all the blood is just in my dick, its ridiculous. I've gotten some very nice and visible hair growth on my stomach and happy trail!!! I'm extremely happy with what i got so far. my peachfuzz has also intensified and is growing longer. it's getting more visible so i hope it'll darken soon, my boyfriend said he saw some dark hair follicles growing on my chin already so 😳😳 surely soon. my throat is still experiencing random bursts of discomfort, so I'm a bit all over the place. some days i sound 14, other days i sound pre T, other days i sound like a different person. its been whacky before T, but it's much more intense now. overall I'm less anxious to talk at all tho, and my entire family individually basically came up to me to tell me how different i sound! very sweet of them, but i know they wouldn't just say that to make me feel good, so something is absolutely changing. it's not a cureall for my anxiety disorders, I'm still an introvert, but I'm so much less insecure when going outside. it's a very different feeling. i can finally focus on more productive things, things i can change. i feel like I'm finally gaining control over my life. I'm hoping this pace continues, i think I'm lucky i both got to start on a full/normal dose and that dose feeling so good for me! my checkup is in february, maybe I don't even have to up my dosage at all. that would be cool.

to wrap this up, after many painful years that i will not elaborate on, i finally feel like I'm growing up. growing into myself. i feel like i have a chance at life. i feel calm, normal, in my body in a way I've never experienced before. I'm sure top surgery will expand that feeling tenfold, wish me luck on getting there :]

MONTH 3 GIVE IT UP FOR MONTH 3

it's also my birthday yay :3

so much hair. hair everywhere. everywhere but my face. lol

still a horndog, but much better at managing it. my bottom growth has increased in girth this time, which is very nice. but i seem to still be growing overall slowly but surely. I'm feeling very good.

my stench has gotten more potent, i indeed smell like a teen. including my sweat and bodily excretions.

i went from taking a shit every ~3 days to 2-3 times in a day, sometimes 1-2 day break inbetween. my bowels have barely managed to put up with this increase and I'm having pretty harsh stomach aches due to this to the point i asked my gyno to rule out anything like atrophy or my uterus being my uterus. it's getting better and I'm relearning my bodily signals as to when i need to go xD

my sexual fantasies have gotten far more intense. i was one to make fanfiction in my head if you know what i mean, but this has gotten a million times stronger. i jack off 1-3 times a day (as opposed to a handful of times a week before). it's incredible! sex has become so much more enjoyable and I'm happier than ever. I'm able to express my wants and boundaries more clearly and without shame. I'm learning to love that aspect of myself.

it's unreal that my voice has already dropped once, and is actively breaking. so many people around me point it out, i dont hate talking anymore, i feel capable of expressing myself socially in a way ive never experienced before. literally. i look in the mirror and see someone i recognize for once, all of that together feels incredible, it's crazy. i need to get my ass up and call that surgeon for a consultation for top surgery. ASAP. I WILL do it next week. I WILL get an appointment at a good time. I WILL LEAVE THIS YEAR WITHOUT TITTIES!!!!!!!!!!

alongside all this I've built the courage to pursue education. i wont go into personal details, but alot of it was robbed in my child/teenhood due to neglect and mental illness. I'm finally building up my life. I've only just started. and all that alongside my wonderful, beautiful, supportive boyfriend who is my rock, my shoulder to lean on. well, we are eachother's, but he does so much to make sure I'm taken care of. i still have needs, i still require some amount of caretaking, I'm still disabled. but all of that no longer feels like this giant hurdle towards independence. he is there for me like nobody else. I'm so glad we met. I'm so glad i asked you out. I'm so glad for every awkward moment, any stupid shit we have grown from. i hope i can spend the rest of my life with you. i love you.

Oh shit i forgot my

4 MONTHS ON T UPDATE

hair. hair hair hair and more hair. I'm even sweatier and oiler. I'm horny as fuck, as usual. how could i not be with such a sexy amazing boyfriend??

either way, my fur is growing in like crazy. I'm lucky my bloodwork is basically perfect! just hoping for estrogen to lower more. ans despite that I'm as hairy if not hairy-er than my cis boyfriend atp. the only thing I'm missing is facial hair, but it's also getting somewhere! a few dark hairs and a few comically long hairs here and there. and the itching. oh my lords the itching. i also started minoxidil this week (I'm about 2 weeks late to this update) and that seems to be helping, cause holy shit the ITCHING. and i am 100% certain its not an allergic reaction, don't worry. I'm careful. I'm taking 2 out of the recommended 6 sprays due to its affects on bloodpressure just to stay safe aswell. makes it last longer and seems to give about the same effect. either way I'm excited as fuck. i still get hotflashes alot, ugh, doesn't make me particularly excited for summer but we ball. also! i made that appointment! (yay yippie 🎉) my top surgery consultation is at the end of the month. I'm so fucking hyped. i hope i can get all the papers together asap and my insurance won't be a stupid asshole about it :') THIS YEAR THIS YEAR THIS YEAR!!!!! MANIFESTING I WON'T KILL MYSELF!!!! I WILL NO LONGER BE SUICIDAL THIS YEAR!!!! I WILL OFFICIALLY NO LONGER WANT TO KILL MYSELF ONCE IT IS DONE!!!!!

sorry, that's a bit sad. but yknow, you can imagine what my dysphoria is like :)

I'm kinda just enjoying what i got, getting used to everything. my voice is also slowly but surely lowering octave by octave every few weeks or so. pretty fucking cool! still learning that low days aren't bad, not the end of the world, my changes are not reversing. one step at a time. i got this. i will be happy. and I'll move in with my boyfriend in about 1-2 years realistically :3 finally, excited about that too. we'll have our third year anniversary this august ^^

I've also gotten a bunch of acne 🫠 but that's a comparatively small price to pay. i dont really mind, distracts people from the lack of visible facial hair 🫠🫠 cause my peachfuzz is absolutely crazy. but i dont want to dye it, i want to see the change as it happens :( i want it home grown!! my whiskers!!!

but yeah. not a ton that's happened, just more of the same. which...is good :3 just a bit more time. as usual. but hey! waiting has so much more weight and a much bigger goal behind it now. i can't wait for the day I'll never have to touch a binder ever again.

OH FUCK 5 MONTHS

time flies way too fast. had my top surgery consult and I'm on the way of getting everything together and approved! yay!

slowly but surely the minoxidil is working it's magic, ive got a few hairs here and there and my previously blonde mustache is turning into a wonderful little dirtstache.

still horny as shit, of course. lord have mercy. i sweat, i smell, I'm oily. very glad my boyfriend finds me attractive going through all of this! it's so hot that he's normal about it lmfaooo. he just wants to see me happy, and seeing how much my mental and even physical has improved means alot to him and he makes that very clear. he makes me feel so sexy and desired and handsome and cute and funny and comfortable and safe. :3

everythings going as usual, really. my bottom growth is now at 7cm and showing no signs of slowing down much. hair keeps growing in places i didn't know it could. I'm soooo hungry, so very hungry. but i manage. it's quite nice, i am forced to confront food and diet as a topic and it's become leagues more healthy than it was in my childhood.

i went to my local queer meetup again! it was very good for my mental health among everything happening politically rn. i hope i have the time to go next time too. I'm also super hyped for pride month!! representing transmasc petplay kittens and therians 🫡 i hope i find some therians in the area during, it's such a freeing experience.

so. this is insane! i'm so lucky to live in Belgium. i love my doctor. i love genres pluriels. everyone has been so supportive.

i haven't told anyone yet except for my partner, my roommate and my mom (she's an angel), I'll post something on my finsta when I get my first shot to surprise everyone (not sure I'll be able to hold it in!)

Since January 1st I have been on HRT and I am so blissful about it! As @lilithisrunningwithscissors told me, to be trans is a journey that requires you to take care of your needs, your body, and your psyche. Therefore, like every time I have something important to say or something I want to think about, I wrote my feelings and thoughts in my Latin diary:

"Kalendis Januariis : Hodie cœpi œstrogenus sumere. Is dies honestissimus lætissimusque mihi est ; enim is est meæ vitæ reliquæ primus dies, non solum quoniam nunc fio femina quam volo esse, sed etiam quatenus nunc officium mihi est esse curæ mihi et animum intendere in meum medicamentum."

Which can be translated as: "January 1st. Today I started taking oestrogen. This day is, to me, the most honourable and the happiest; indeed this is the first day of the rest of my life, not only because now I am becoming the woman I want to be, but also seeing that from now on it is my duty to take care of myself and to apply my mind on my medication".

The most important words in this text, the ones that stuck in my mind, are those three: esse curæ mihi. In Latin that's what we call a “double dative”: some verbs can be constructed with two complements in the dative case, one indicating for whom the action is done, the other the result or for what purpose the action is done. "Esse curæ alicui" means "to be an object of one's care".

When I say my duty is "esse curæ mihi", I’m saying I must be the object of my own care. I think this is relevant to say as a trans person, because we have to actively take care of ourselves (whether on HRT or not). In my case: I am only 20 years old and I had to think about my desire, or lack of, to have kids later— and thus I underwent a gamete conservation. I thought for months about whether or not to go on HRT: from the moment I start taking oestrogens it is a life-long treatment, my body will not start producing oestrogens on its own, I have to give it to my body. It is a very conscious and voluntary driven action of self-care.

I could continue like that for hours on end, but my point is: to be trans is to live in a world where you have to take care of yourself and your body consciously. I do not say that trans people have to be on HRT, no. Be it HRT or any other gender-affirming activity: a book you read, a game you play, a place you hang out at, etc. To be trans is to help your psyche and body, to be happier and at peace. We have to fight for our rights, we have to live through discriminations and it is a difficult time all around the world for trans folks, so let's be our own first ally. Let's take care of ourselves.

Heyaa! This time I'd like to talk about probably biggest fear that I have, probably a weird one and most likely not understandable by most of the people, and like the title of this post says, it's a fear of not being a trans. So let me get into this.

To begin with, I will say that I'm into questioning and exploring my gender already for like a decade, in other words - ever since I found out about transgender-ism and found community of people feeling similarly, and that's when I started to suspect that I'm a trans, but after some time I discovered that it might be just a fetish, so I started to suspect that, but at the end I decided that it's not just a fetish.

Sooo, why did I suspect it's just a fetish ? Briefly saying it's because all the time after I got to an orgasm, all the feeling and desire to be a girl used to go away, and feeling of shame with thoughts of "what the hell am I doing" would kick in, so that's used to be a main reason for thinking it might be just a fetish.

Now let me talk about why and how I decided that it's not really just a fetish...

Well, to begin with I'll say that even when I was just a child, I really liked to get dressed in girl's clothes, when I had opportunities to play with nail polish (like when I was near some family friends, women I mean, I enjoyed painting nails for her), and I did that without any thoughts of sexual thing (also I was way too young to even think about sex). Other reasons why I decided it's not a fetish is because I never go into girlmode with a thoughts of having sexual activities, and when I see other girls and don't really think of "oh how I liked to be/have sex with her", but rather think of how I'd wish to look like her or just being jealous of other girl's look. There is really lot of reasons why I decided it not being a fetish, but I don't want to expand about it so much, so to finish with, I must mention that even if I get orgasm and all the feelings and desire to be a girl disappears, it doesn't take long until those feelings and desires comes back and I get back into girlmode and I just continue with my day as a girl.

Besides, after researching more about it being or not being a fetish, I found out that having those guilt, shame and etc thoughts after orgasm is quite normal, as I understand it's because of hormones flooding the brain after orgasms.

Now this is where I will mention for the first time that I also have some addiction issues which I'm battling, but today I won't talk about it. I mention this, because I want to talk about that when I'm being high, it's when I start to want to be a trans/girl mostly, so one question started to pop up to me a lot, and it's "what if it's substance that makes me feel so"... But thanks to internet, as I was able to research this again and seems like I'm not the only one who has this dilema, and so after researching this and thinking about this I come to a conclusion that substances and being high simply removes lot of inhibitions and let's to feel more freely about this and accept fact of being trans easier. Also during the time when I was taking HrT meds, I was clean and had no hesitations of taking the meds, and I guess if it would be substances that makes me feel trans, I wouldn't even think of taking HrT meds when being clean, guess no cis-male would even consider that.

All in all, I do believe that I'm really supposed to be a girl and all these concerns of mine is just an unreasonable doubts, and I really believe that working on fully accepting myself for who I am is what I really have to do!

Hint : I can't see without my glasses 👓