#transition diary

I am finally home from the hospital. 🙏 They gave me a compression vest that i'll have to wear for approx. 12 weeks - at first day and night, and then during the night only.

I am not supposed to move my arms too much and every evening my wife (bless her) will give me a shot with prescription pain killers for the next 10 days.

In one week I'll have a check up, but so far everything looks good!

Getting the drainages taken out was certainly a crass experience. It didn't hurt, it was just really odd and a bit icky. They made me breathe in deeply and when exhaling they pulled them (one at a time). What freaked me out the most was the thought of the wounds/holes they left, but now i'm all plastered up so it's fine! And I'm really enjoying not having to carry plastic vessels containing my blood with me at all times.

The vest is also not too uncomfortable. It's just really tight, but on the other hand i feel well protected and I know it's gonna help the results look as best as possible!

I am just soooo glad to be back at home. Tho I do have a weird feeling, a bit like I'm out of place - but that's just how 5 days at the hospital will leave you.

I also cried - especially when my wife helped me wash up I got really emotional as I'm still extremely sensitive regarding any physical stimuli, especially good ones! In other words: getting clean felt so good that it made me emotional.

I also cried about the wind and the river and the plants and the birds.

What can I say, life can be so intense! And isn't that wonderful.

It's two and a half days after my mastectomy now. I finally got to see my chest for the first time today! The experience had me shaking in my thrombosis socks!!!! Literally. My body could barely contain my emotions it seemed.

My nipples are still covered and the wounds are plastered, but I can already tell that the doctors did an amazing job. My mom said it looks like my chest has always been this way, and I agree. The result really suits my body and I couldn't be happier with what I've seen so far.

However, when I first I looked down at my nipple placement, my first thought was that they're coming for my throat!!! They are so much higher up than what I was used to. And they're headed towards my armpits it seems! But from an outside perspective (that I got when I whipped out my phone's selfie camera) it looks just right, no, amazing actually.

Before the big reveal, I expected my chest to be swollen in all shades of green, yellow and blue, but none of this was the case. It's not discolored at all - but I think the drainages are doing the heavy lifting here, and I expect my chest to turn blue once they're gone. Which will be tomorrow! I'm really excited to get rid of my two little blood purses that I have to carry everywhere.

Also I'm getting a bit bored at the hospital, which means that I'm really getting better. Can't wait to go home overmorrow (hopefully).

And on a sidenote:

I am typing this from the hospital, the day after I had top surgery! Let's start with how I am

Physically

The first 24 hours after I woke up from the anesthesia were hell. I had the worst nausea and puked all day, next to extremely bad back pain (probably from lying awkwardly on the operating table) and being not allowed to move.

Thankfully, the nightshift nurse read my folder again and noticed that I was indeed allowed to sit upright, which relieved my back a little bit. I didn't sleep at all during that first night and spent most of the night sitting up due to the backpain and nausea. Thankfully the night nurse was there for me and helped me through this hell of a night (I had to call her quite often).

This morning tho, approx. 24 hours after the surgery, I was finally able to drink and hold down water and actually managed to eat a full meal for breakfast because the anesthesia was finally flushed from my system!

Then, doctors checked up on me and told me that everything went all right, and after my painkiller infusion was done, nurses came to help/show me how to get up. I managed to brush my teeth standing up, so they could remove the catheter (which wasn't even too bad to wear!) and I've been able to go to the bathroom by myself!

Also, my horrible back pain was alleviated after finally standing up and walking around a little bit this morning (slow but steady!).

It's evening now, and I can say that I haven't really been in pain at all today. Whenever I start feeling any slight sign of chest pain I ask for painkillers as instructed by the doctors, which means I don't really feel my chest at all. I'm overall in good hands. Also my mom and friends stayed by my side these past two days during visiting hours, all throughout my crying and vomiting, which i'm extremely grateful for.

Emotional/mental state

Speaking of emotions: I have felt a LOT these past 2 days. Before the surgery, I was super giggly and high from medicine that they gave me. The nightmare only started after I woke up from the anesthesia. It didn't feel like waking up from sleeping - instead, it felt like I imagine being born must feel like (it was VERY weird).

Then I basically cried all day yesterday because of the pain. But in between I felt immensely grateful for the great care I'm receiving. I was reminded of my late grandpa and my grandparents' home whenever he used to pick me up from school when I got sick and how he looked after me.

Since today, I often laugh-cried due to relief (from the pain, but also from knowing that it's finally done). I still can't believe I fucking did it!!! And I'm so glad I'll never have to go through this again.

Besides the crying/laughing I often have to actively keep myself from freaking out, a.k.a. i'm trying not to get too aware of the state that my body is in rn (it hits hardest when I go to the bathroom). I'm generally rather anxious about my health and it does make me a bit nervous that I'm all cut up and stitched back together and that there's drainages with blood coming from my body. But as I said: I'm in good hands, which helps me greatly in dealing with it.

I have not yet experienced my new body part as such. I am wrapped up tightly in bandages and can't see/feel the newness yet. But I'm anxious to do so!

I think tomorrow they'll change the bandages again, which means I might get to see my brand new chest! I'm nervous and excited and scared and happy.

I'll try to keep you posted regularly over the next few days, as it's probably most insightful if I write down my experiences soon after I make them.

Last Weigh in 105kg That was August Since then I have spent £1372 impulsively on takeaway, recovered about half the money by claiming missing items, and orders not arriving (which has actually been the case in most orders with Just Eat, Every order with Deliveroo, and some cases orders with uber eats.) used to be I would save takeaway to eat the next day to keep calories down, then I started, only eating half and throwing half away after I came out as trans in 2022. I need to get my cam girl figure so I can use my body to fund;