#testo changes

I just saw a post about crying on testosterone and thought I'd share my experience so far.

I don't think it's exactly harder to cry, just different. I have bawled my eyes out just a few months ago, pretty similar to how I did before hrt. Sometimes I feel like crying, but my previous standard light crying with wet sobbs has been replaced with dry sobbing and yowling.

Today is the last day of my first year on T. I'm on my sixth bottle of gel.

My voice has dropped significantly. These are both of me trying to talk as deep as comfortably possible.

I've grown a visible little mustache as well as very long and dark hair on the lower part of my legs. My hair also became more structured and untameable. Of course there's more body hair, bottom growth, no period, skin issues, strength...

Everything I expected and more.

Long time no see!

I read/saw a few posts about other people's transition experiences the last few days and wanted to write a bit about how mine was different.

First of all: I'm pretty happy that I haven't gotten taller or bigger feet. A little bit of height would have been nice, but I was so scared I would have to buy new shoes. From what I've seen online it's not that unusual to grow noticeably, so I guess I got lucky.

I'm still amazed by how fast my facial hair got dark. They have gotten more since I noticed the first ones, but it's not that noticeable of a change. It's not even just my moustache that got dark! I also found two little hairs on my chin. The peach fuzz on my cheeks just got a lot longer, but not dark yet.

I'm pretty sure my scent has already started changing, but not as extreme as some other people's. I didn't have a moment when I noticed it being overwhelmingly strong and different. So far I've gotten through the day with just normal deodorant in the morning.

My voice is still cracking all over the place. I haven't talked so much that it hurt in a long time. Maybe it got better or I just talked less. The louder I talk the wilder the voice cracks get, but I've gotten used to it. I'm excited to see where it ends up when the cracking stops.

If everything works out I can change my name at the end of this year. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shorten it to my nickname, but I'll probably use at least one other name online. I just don't feel comfortable using a new name in real life. Online and real life also feel a bit like different people, not just because of the difference in language.

I have been on gel since the first day and I'm very happy with my results so far. There seems to be some people having issues with gel not being absorbed, but there's also so many who it works for. So if anyone isn't comfortable with shots, but isn't sure if gel works at all, it does for a lot of people. I don't know how high the chance of it not working is, but I've only heard about it recently after years of being in trans spaces online, so it doesn't seem to be that many people who have this issue.

I feel like I want a new name. But maybe I just want to be seen as a new person and not be connected to who I was.

The name I'm going by right now is a nickname for my birth name. Most of my family and my friends have been using it since before I figured out I'm trans. It's also gender neutral and a name that's actually used in scandinavian countries.

Still, it feels like especially my close family doesn't see me as who I am. It seems like they still see me as some kind of girl I never really was. I'm pretty sure this influences my issues with my name a lot.

I have been looking for fitting names a lot, but nothing really feels like me. Even if so many are really pretty! Of course it's also just scary to change something big like this and having to tell people.

I need bigger underwear.

The bean has been visibly growing for a while now. Over the last few weeks or so, it got incredibly sensitive. Nothing compares to the feeling of fabric being pulled over it, when it's a bit far out of it's little house.

I would like to say "No-one prepared me for this!" but it's just an impossible thing to actually explain how it feels.

You know when your leg falls asleep and it get all tingly? Imagine that but downsized. Same amount of tingles, smaller space. And make it faster. All this on a surface area of a few millimetres.

I don't know if anyone will read this in their preparation for their transition. But if they are, they should know that it's nothing like you expected. It's your expectations made into a smoothie with a bit of chaos in there. It's amazing but you're not quite sure if your even able to taste any of the original ingredients.

It's also not a constant change. Sometimes you notice three different things in one day, then nothing exciting for a month. And sometimes people around you will notice things before you do. It's weird. But not in a bad way.

btw my body is still shivering because I accidentally touched the bean with my panties as I was putting them on 🥲 Feeling how different my body is nice, but not like that... I could do without brutal overstimulation.

an appropriate meme:

Christmas was uneventful. My mom got me a men's shower set, that was pretty funny. Other than that, I had a little talk about pronouns with her, that went well.

Since I got back I had a lot to think about. It wasn't an issue when I was gone, but now that I'm back with my partner, my desire is through the roof. It's actually annoying.

It also made me think about the possibility of being on the ace spectrum again. Sounds like the exact opposite, doesn't it? Well, I've noticed over the years how I only feel desire, even when alone, if I have a person to I'm into. When I'm single and not looking, I feel it maybe every third month. The few days at my parents' I was away from my partner who I usually live with. We also didn't text a lot. Before and after my desire was 📈, you know, how a teenage boy just is. During it was practically non existent?! So either my parents really stressed me out or my desire is very connected to other people.

In other news: I'm starting to struggle with my name.

I've been using a nickname I've had since second grade. I also use it in a chat game app I've been using a lot for reasons and it feels so wrong. Yes, it's just a short version of my dead name, but I thought it would be good. I'm so scared of getting a completely new name and having to explain it to my family. Why can't I just be comfortable with the nickname?

The face in the mirror changed ever so slightly over the last months. Somehow it arrived at a point where I don't see a "girl" anymore. Only a boy in cute pyjamas.

I still haven't done my first shave. My partner and I are both pretty sick, so we just had other stuff on our minds. I hope we can time it right, so I'll have visible stubble for the holidays at my parents' house. One of my uncles saw me two weeks ago and didn't recognise me immediately. My hopes are high for the reactions from other family members!

It seems like my whole body is going through a new wave of changes. I noticed some more sensitivity similar to the first time I noticed visible bottom growth. Just living in this body since I started hrt has been an adventure.

Like any cliché femboy I started drinking monster energy... I don't know what to do with that, but it happened.

here's my cat dealing monster 🥲

My bottle getting empty reminded me to look up how long I'm already doing this. The last bottle lasted me 68 days so if my math is right this one should be empty tomorrow? I have one more left, but I also haven't made a new appointment to get my prescription yet. Guess I have at least another 60 days to get that done.

I'm still not sure what my cycle is doing. My emotions are sometimes weird, but my body doesn’t do anything. I guess that's not that bad? Just so weird.

My skin didn't get any worse since last time. I expected it to continue to worsen so I might have been a bit more scared than needed. But now I'm very positively surprised. As always, I really think the skincare is helping a lot. Also: Regularly changing bedsheets is important! Not only like every few months...

The most exciting thing that happened was me starting my internship! I applied with my nickname. At first I got misgendered, until I hade the courage to correct people. It took a few tries, but it went better than expected. After I handed over my paperwork there was a little situation. At first he didn't notice and left the room. A minute later he was back asking about where my name is from. My heart started racing as soon as I saw him stop walking. After I answered he asked about how the paperwork is addressed at a woman. Yea, I kinda expected that question. He actually straight up asked me if I'm transitioning and immediately crossed out the wrong stuff on the paperwork when I said 'yes' 🥺

It was weird and uncomfortable to be 'discovered' like that by a cishet old guy. But his incredibly chill reaction, even if a bit direct, was even wilder to me. I'm always expecting the worst case and then I didn’t even have to explain a lot. I don't know if my coworkers clock me. A few asked the head of department about me and he used the right pronouns talking to them. But the others? Well, there's also the two guys who I ran into in the mens bathroom. They seemed a bit confused and just left pretty fast. Maybe they also didn't want me eavesdropping on their gossip.

Oh, and I think I'm getting pretty good voice training at work. If I have just short conversations or answer a question, I don't remember to watch out for my pitch before I speak. But when I talk to more or less strangers for longer, I really focus on sounding deep and still natural. Overall this internship is just such an exciting and weirdly euphoric experience.

(how I feel when a not queer person asks about my gender. help.)