Let's Go to War

Here are amazing deer skeletal references by Rico LeBrun! They were created during production of Disney’s Bambi, to help aid the artists.

The link to download the images in their full glory:

Edit: oh wow I just looked at the URL and it’s.. hmm. Hmmmmmmmm

We’re taught competition, and perfectionism, and shame. If I say “I cook” I must add “(but not well)”. If I say “I run” I must say “(but I am not good at it).” I say “I code (but I mostly know frontend).” I create and express and my first impulse is to guard against embarrassment. Lest I fall so short of marketable competence. Lest I subject myself to the mockery of being caught creating poorly. I wound myself first so others may not.

Even the advice that fights against this says “your only goal should be to be better than yourself yesterday.” But why must I be in competition with her? What happens, after the initial rapid climb in skill, when I plateau? What of injury, and atrophy, and depression, that flake these skills away? Must I return feeling compelled to over-achieve? To wallow in embarrassment until I can surpass my own previous record? To hate my work until the reception, the notes, the engagement outperform an ever rising bar? I do not want to be paralyzed by the mountains I built behind me. Why should I look behind myself when there’s a wide swath of untilled Earth that stretches far out of sight ahead of me? I want to enjoy my work, and my mediocrity, moving forward with all its ebbs and flows.

At my worst, I was nothing. I was not a writer. Because I had forgone writing for all the fear and stress and damage to my self-worth that it wrought. I was not a coder. Because I was only useful for the niches of my job, and didn’t have the heart to create something badly, on my own, for fun, lest it confirm my suspicions of mediocrity. I was not even a runner - despite the extreme and exhaustive amount of time I sunk into it - because I fell short of my previous self, and I could not hold a candle to the actually-skilled runners, and I was forced to speak of this hobby in all those guarded terms - “but i am not good” - because of how much that ate at me. 

I was no cook, and no homemaker, and no creator, because when I did those things, (I did them poorly.) 

And when all these came together, I wallowed in emptinesses. (I still do, sometimes. It’s hard and complicated). Because emptiness is what was left when I stripped myself of the things and the pursuits whose lack of value could be used to hurt me.

The change for me - the change, I think - came at the time I started to recognize that I do not deserve self-punishment for my mediocrities, for the failings of my current state of being. It was not a revelation all at once. It was a slow and progressive flirting with the idea, found almost by accident on self-help youtube channels of a very particular ilk. It came with the recognition that I had trapped myself, wiling away my time and my energy, in a state of constant apology, and shame, and self-correction for the mediocrities I dare not unleash onto the world. I boxed myself up with the promise “once I am good enough, I will be allowed to come back out”, and that was a lie. I would never have come back out. I was chasing punishing metrics of self-improvement that I did not need, and would never actually catch and maintain, and which would never love me back.

It took a long time to internalize this. It took a long time to get angry on my own behalf. It took a long time to act on it, and write again because fuck you. To run on my own terms, at my own pace, for my own enjoyment because fuck you. To create with my hands again because fuck you. To lean into the happiness of creation that I had not “earned”, because fuck you.

I like creating because it fills an emptiness that used to be there. It’s so simple, and so lovely, that humans are like this. That we want to build with our hands. That we want to assemble and construct. That we derive joy from stacking pieces together, and stringing words together, and assembling colors on a page, and moving, and singing, and baking, and knitting. Humans love to build little worlds around them. 

So why must we so actively try to cut people off from it off from it? Why do we condition ourselves to fear its mediocrity? Why does this still our hands? Why do we suffocate it for ourselves, before others can? I don’t have an answer. I can only recognize the monster. 

I want to make bad art today. I want to make bad art tomorrow. If I am a worse writer tomorrow, I want that to be fine. If I am never more than a mediocre runner, I want to be at complete peace with that. Because if not, then I might box away my hobbies again, and my loves, and my pursuits. I might go back to empty. I might go back to nothing.

I learned about this the other day, when I posted about palinopsia (visual trailing/afterimages) being common in autistic people, and a couple of our followers told me about their VSS. I did some more research, and discovered that I also have it.

Visual Snow Syndrome is a neurological condition that interferes with visual processing. It’s caused by hyperactivity and hyper-excitability of nerves in certain areas of the brain that process visual information.

The core feature of VSS is constantly seeing tiny, fuzzy “feedback” in the environment. It’s kind of like seeing the world through a staticky TV screen. Some people’s visual static is larger than others. Mine is relatively fine-grained, but it gets bigger and more obvious in low lighting.

Some of the other symptoms of VSS include:

Palinopsia (visual trailing/afterimages)

Photophobia (sensitivity to light)

Increased and enhanced ectopic phenomenon, such as floaters, phosphenes, and Scheerer’s phenomenon

Seeing glare, starbursts, and halos around lights

Difficulty seeing at night/in the dark

Seeing random flashes of light and/or color, without cause from the environment

It’s common for people with VSS to experience comorbid migraines, but VSS is not the same thing as migraine aura.

So, why do autistic people often have VSS?

It comes down to the fact that VSS is caused by the hyper-excitability of neurons in areas of the brain that process visual information. A core feature of autism is hyper-excitable neurons, especially in areas of the brain that have to do with sensory processing. So it makes sense that autism would often inadvertently cause VSS.

Here are some illustrations of visual phenomenon that VSS causes, in case you want a better understanding of what the world looks like for me and many other autistic people.

Visual snow/static:

Palinopsia/image trailing:

Scheerer’s Phenomenon (tiny bright moving dots):

Starbursts around lights:

Floaters:

I hope y’all have learned something :)

I’ve found it very intriguing to realize that the way I see the world is more unique than I once knew!

Р isnt P

HERE IT IS: THE LONG AWAITED PEARL CATALOGUE!!

Laboriously designed and created just for you, a spectrum of 42 different pearls to stand around and hold your stuff for you. Which one’s your favorite?

Also a bonus renegade

“Thank you for this incredibly stressful 30 minutes that I have had to re-structure my entire day around and which will give me anxiety poos for the next 24 hours.”

I didn’t get the job.

However, a few weeks later, I was called in to interview with another editor in the same company, and I did get that job. I found out later from the initial editor (the one who didn’t hire me) that he had planned to offer me the job, but since I didn’t follow up with a thank you letter, he assumed I didn’t really want it. He offered the job to another contender–but when he got my letter in the mail shortly after the offer had already been made, he went to HR and gave me a glowing recommendation. It was based on that recommendation that I got called in for the second interview.

So: send an email thank you immediately (same day!) after the interview. If you’re feeling extra, go ahead and send a written one too. OR go immediately to a coffee shop, write the letter, and return to the office and give it to the secretary.

Hampster Dance (1998) Rejected (2000) All Your Base (2001) Tidus Laughing (2001) The End of the World (2003) Badger Badger Badger (2003) Hyakugojyuuichi!!! (2003) GI Joe PSAs (2003) Llama Song (2004) Banana Phone (2004) Ddautta (There She Is!) (2004) Charlie the Unicorn (2005) Cillit Bang (2006) Caramelldansen (2006) Metal Gear Awesome (2006) Leekspin (2006) Marissa Stole the Precious Thing (2006) The Mysterious Ticking Noise (2007) Powerthirst (2007) Paffendorf (2007) Splash Attack (2007) Caipirinha Dance (2007) I Take a Potato Chip… (2007) Nico Nico Douga Medley (2007) Ronald McDonald Ran Ran Ru (2008) Danjo (2008) Giga Pudding (2008) The Ultimate Showdown (2008) Balsamic Vinegar (2008) Sakura-Con Commercial (2009) Shamwow (2009) Slapchop (2009) OK GO- Here It Goes Again (2009) Stu Making Chocolate Pudding at 4 AM (2010) HEYYEYAA (2010) Galo Sengan (2011)

Chocolate Rain (2007)

Fork in the Garbage Disposal (2007)

I Can Break These Cuffs (2008)

Do You Like Waffles? (2008)

Fukkireta (2010)

Spitting While Kissing (2011)

My Roflcopter Goes Soisoisoisoi (2004)

Kitty Cat Dance (2004)

Fast Food Rockers (2006)

Shoes - Kelly (2006)

Geddan (2007)

Neurotically Yours (Foamy the Squirrel) (N/A)

Leeroy Jenkins (2005)

It’s Over 9000! (2006)

This Is Sparta (2006)

Double Rainbow (2010)

ASDFMovie2 (2010)

But this… This is something else.

The rapidity of a meme’s introduction to its zenith to its decline is so rapid that in ten years, you’ll need a damn twenty-page manual to explain this. It’ll be as unfunny and hard to explain as jokes in Shakespeare plays, except even more inexplicable because fuck, at least Shakespeare’s jokes are usually about anal or fucking your mother, good wholesome sex jokes we can all get behind.

ok let me see if i can break this down easily. YMCA is the easiest place to start - the song itself has become a meme over time with people changing the lyrics to reference other pop cultural events. so YMCA is meme one (1)

this first lyric replacement (”take the breadsticks and run”) is a reference to the tumblr meme ‘stuffing breadsticks into my purse’. i think everyone remembers that one so i wont bother to explain it. that’s meme two (2)

“man door hand hook car door” is a meme of its own, a creepypasta from i dont remember when. it was a terrible stupid retelling of the generic ‘stuck in a car while hook handed man tries to kill us’ story so the stupid title caught on for memorability. that in and of itself is meme three (3)

‘gun’ is… yeah i dont know how to explain gun. long story short you add gun to the end of a phrase instead of what you expect the last word to be. its shock funny. its everywhere but its popular to add to “man door hand hook car door” for.. some reason? gun is meme four (4)

and the thing is, this four meme combo is something thats gone around before. meme combos are, itself, a meme. which means taking this meme combo and mixing in another meme actually becomes meme five (5)

which leaves us at loss.jpg. loss.jpg was a terrible bad comic supposed to be about some tragic event, but it was presented so poorly literally no one takes it seriously, and for some reason recreating the four-panel setup has become popular. so thats meme six (6)

well i added my contribution : )

I have a friend I know from when we were both 6. She is the only person living nearby and so she saw me go from walking through limping to wheelchair on a daily basis. I keep her updated on my health even tho we rarely hang out anymore. She was gonna come over yesterday and I had to cancel. She asked if I can’t hang out later that day. When I said i won’t feel better later, that if I feel that bad in the morning later will only get worse she got annoyed and “joked” that I’m just finding excuses. And I was surprised, she knows all about me being disabled after all? So, a bit taken aback, I told her it’s a normal thing for me.

“But you got the diagnosis now, aren’t you better?? I thought you’ll get better now”

Mum: “So yeah, I was thinking that when I come down we could do visit an art gallery or a museum or something.”

Me: “I’ll have to see if I’m up for it, I’ve been going through a rough patch. I might not have the energy.”

Mum: “But you love art galleries.”

do everything right and still be sick. 

“don’t let your disability define you! Fight! INspirEd! Taking back my life from Cancer!” This narrative is everywhere in Able culture. If you JUST tried harder you’d get better. THAT is what they live and believe.