4 Times the Sides had Feelings for Roman and 0 Times He had Feelings for Anyone
TW: Roman centric hurt/no comfort, one (1) mention of non-harmful scratching from Virgil
It wasn’t his fault! Okay, so part of it was his fault. He didn’t start it though! After all, no one could force themselves to fall in love. Trust him, he tried.
Patton should’ve been the easiest to fall in love with; he’s sweet, he’s funny, and they got along with nearly no bumps in the road. He made himself pay attention to his laugh, the way his eyes crinkled with amusement when the others announced their disdain for his dad jokes. He even took Patton’s hand, kissed it, and swung their arms gently between them. Patton had smiled, eyes almost twinkling, and his body shifted closer. Roman felt something. A warmth flared in his chest, a smile forcing itself onto his face whenever he thought of the puffball. But his stomach didn’t fill up with butterflies and his face didn’t get hot. And when Patton confessed his feelings, Roman’s smile wavered; a boulder weighing down in his stomach. Roman rubbed the back of Patton’s hand with his thumb.
“I’m sorry,” he frowned. “I’m sorry, Patton.”
And he was. Nausea climbed up his throat, choking him with it’s invisible vines.
Patton’s eyes dropped. “Oh. Okay..” He gently took back his hand. “It’s okay, I get it. We’re still friends, though, right?”
He was nodding before Patton had finished the question. “Of course, padre! I just.. unfortunately, I…” I want to love you. I want to love you romantically. I’m sorry I can’t be that for you.
Swaying slightly, Patton took a few steps back. “I’ve got work in a few hours, I should.. I better go,” he smiled almost as bright as before. Roman would’ve believed it if not for the shine of his eyes.
“Patton, I—“ but, like dandelion seeds blowing in the wind, he was gone.
Next was, surprisingly enough, Virgil. He and Virgil hadn’t gotten along at first, despite Virgil being a fashion major in college. Their aesthetics — and personalities — had clashed, but after time and much persistence from Patton, they began to tolerate each other and became very close friends. They still had plenty of banter. Banter is one thing that Roman never had with Patton, and everyone knows that teasing banter is a Must™. So he doubled the flirty comments and stood closely to the emo, giving him the gayest of eyes. Virgil made him feel something that Patton hadn’t; Virgil made him feel something akin to adrenaline, as if he were trekking through the woods at 3am or hanging out in an empty parking lot with his friends. His stomach did fill with something this time, but he wouldn’t describe it as “butterflies”. It was more of a demand to hold him, the feeling amplified by a thousand after their friend group discovered that Virgil was rather clingy. Maybe this was it, he reasoned with himself, maybe these are what the butterflies are, the need to hold what you love close to your heart.
The two were cuddling on the couch, Virgil half on Roman’s lap, a leg thrown over one of Roman’s. Virgil was tucked under Roman’s arm, looking up at him with some difficulty.
Roman refused to look at him, eyebrows furrowed. He tensed. “I’m sorry?”
Virgil worried his bottom lip. “I like you. In a romantic way. I have a for a while now and I just wanted to let you know, you don’t have to like me back or anything! I mean, I hope you like me but it doesn’t have to be romantically, y’know?”
“Virgil,” Roman huffed softly, pressing his lips to Virgil’s forehead, and ignored the dread coating his insides. “I wish I did. You are a great person and— and I love you, but I don’t .. I don’t have romantic feelings for you. I’m sorry..”
His friend visibly swallowed and removed himself from Roman’s embrace, planting himself a few feet away. “Yeah, I.. I didn’t think you would, heh.” Virgil scratched the back of hand lightly, bringing his thoughts back down to the feeling of his nails. “Sorry, we can.. we can go back to what we were doing.”
Roman glanced around the room, his side feeling too cold all of a sudden. He opened his mouth to say something, anything.
“It’s fine, Roman. Drop it.”
Logan was difficult to try to love at first, what with Logan denying a lot of his feelings and such. But doing so made Roman realize just how much he hadn’t noticed about their resident nerd. For example, Roman found that Logan had three prominent smiles. The first smile came through as amusement, seen most often with his lips pressed together, as to not laugh at a dad joke or something silly one of the twins did. The second was whenever someone referenced or used information Logan taught them. His lips would twitch up, and he’d give a proud little wiggle, usually finding something to cover his mouth with. Roman couldn’t understand why Logan would cover up such a gorgeous smile, but insecurities get the best of us. The third, and final smile, was whenever he’d actively rant about a subject he’s passionate about. The fastest way to an actor’s heart is through passion. That’s what Roman liked to think, anyways. The passionate smile could light a whole room, and when Logan grins, Roman could melt. He was absolutely sure he loved Logan. However, they fought. They fought a lot; almost every conversation had some sort of bickering, but Roman ignored that. Bickering and arguing is normal — healthy, even!
So when Logan asked him out, he ignored the anxiety prickling his spine and agreed.
Unfortunately, with their first date never given an exact time and place, it never ended up happening. The two were stuck in limbo, forever fated to dance around each other. Don’t get him wrong, Logan had tried but Roman always came up with excuses to back out of the date — “Sorry, Aunt Patty is sick, I have to take care of her.” “My work shift is that time.” and even “I haven’t done laundry in two weeks.”
“I’m tired of this, Roman.”
“Tired?” Roman echoed, unclenching his jaw forcefully. “Whatever do you mean, Professor Indigo?”
Logan pinched the bridge of his nose, knocking his glasses askew. “This. You agreed to go on a date with me but every time I come with a place and time, there’s always a reason not to. I’ve tried to compromise and have you pick or we both decide, but I’m getting nothing from you. Realistically, relationships are much like friendships. I cannot be the only one putting any effort into maintaining ours. So, I’m calling us off.”
Roman pushed his hands in his pockets, nails digging into his palms. “Calling… us off?”
“Yes,” Logan pushed his glasses up, clasping his hands together in front of him. “We are no longer considered to be in a relationship. I’m open to continue our friendship, however, if you would like.”
“I uh..” a thousand thorns scraped Roman’s tongue. He smiled, “I’d like that.”
He nodded with pursed lips. “Excellent.”
He thought he could love Janus because.. well, how could he not love a fellow theatre geek? Especially one who compliments him daily. Plus, he was very cute. Roman was charmed the moment he met him. It was like love at first sight! I mean, sure, they had a monumental fight soon after they met, but they’d resolved that! And not a moment too soon, either, for that’s when Roman discovered that he and Janus shared a few favourite musicals. They weren’t that close, Roman will admit, but it’s not their fault they’d get so excited and talk about mainly musicals and theatre every time they talked! And Janus.. oh, Janus was the biggest supporter of Roman’s theatre performances. This must be it, Roman had thought, making eye contact with Janus as he made his final bows. Janus was on his feet — like he always was — and grinning broadly, a far cry from his usual sly smirk. Roman wasn’t sure he could breathe any air into his lungs due to his chest filled with so much appreciation and gratefulness and excitement and happiness and.. this. This must be what love feels like. Tears collected in his eyes as he ran to his friends after the show, tackling Janus in a big hug.
It was the following day that Janus confessed, that he’d asked Roman out, and that Roman said yes.
The two dated for a whole month, Janus acting as he usually does but with more physical affection, and Roman? Well, Roman had convinced himself he was in love. He followed Janus around everywhere, and he would hardly not be in close contact with him, one way or another. The two were inseparable, if begrudgingly from one side. Well, they were inseparable, until Janus decided enough was enough.
Perhaps, Roman thought, if he hadn’t been so blind, so obsessed with finding romantic love, he might’ve realized sooner just how much he was hurting his friends.
So he sat alone, in his room, in their shared house. He sat alone, one of Virgil’s spare weighted blankets draped over his shoulders. He sat alone, waiting for the stale air to suffocate him.
He hadn’t been out of his room in several days, save to go to work. He was lucky the rooms each had their own bathroom. He was also lucky — or unlucky — that Virgil slept during the day due to night shifts and everybody else was either out or thought he was out all day. After all, why would the most boisterous, ‘take-all-the-risks’ of the bunch lock himself inside?
He wasn’t quite sure, either. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe he felt guilty for leading his friends on — the fact that every single one of them had fallen for him, or at least had developed a crush on him, when he was just trying to fulfill his own selfish desires. Maybe it was pity. Maybe he felt so damn pitiful for himself; imagine that, a hopeless romantic doomed to live without romantic love. Sure, there were always queer platonic relationships to consider, but it wasn’t the same, not really. He wanted to experience the romantic feelings, he wanted the butterflies, the flusters, the wooing. He wanted to drown in the passion they flooded him with. He didn’t want a romantic relationship. He could pine for all eternity, for all he cared. He just wanted to experience romantic attraction.
But he doesn’t. But he can’t.
So he sits alone. All alone in his room, with Virgil’s blanket, away from his friends. The friends he wanted to love so badly, it physically hurt.
He just wanted to love somebody.
