A Human Disaster™

We fixed the hole in the Ozone layer too.

I wish I could take this post, go back in time, and shove it in the face of literally everyone.

All of these problems are fixable

shout out to everyone who participated in the january-february mass depressive episode

all goofing aside I genuinely don’t understand the urge to reimagine Taylor Allison Swift as a secretly queer icon when the pop music scene™ is like. literally overflowing with women who actually like women. Gaga and Kesha and Miley and Halsey are right there. Rina Sawayama and Hayley Kiyoko and Rebecca Black and Kehlani and Victoria Monét and Miya Folick if you’re willing to get slightly less top 100. Janelle and Demi for them nonbinary takes on liking girls. like what are we doing here. like I’m not even saying you can’t enjoy Taylor but why would you hang all your little gay hopes on her.

Isn’t Lady Gaga bisexual?

yes that is indeed why she’s on the list of famous women who like women

why have multiple people reblogged this with some horse-assed “um actually most of these people are bi or pan” did I fucking stutter I said they like girls. what is your point. I’m going to kill you.

post redeemed I love you haiku-bot

biphobia so strong people would rather pretend straight taylor is a queer icon, the accept openly bi singers as queer icons

The only missing link in this article is that it’s based on self-reporting. How is self-reporting linked to diagnosis? Are doctors diagnosing patients based on self-reporting alone? How hard is it to ask how porn is ruining someone’s life?

Masturbation releases dopamine which can push back against the brain chemistry of depression. Not as well as actual medication, but sometimes you have to make do with the tools you have available.

this is the kind of content i came here for

what the fuck

I admit I don’t know how a child’s brain works but as an adult the greatest sign of respect I feel capable of giving a child is to act as if they are prophesized to destroy me when they come of age.

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

This is the FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN

Reblogging for cultural enrichment

😳 <- this emoji but without the blush or romantic connotation. im not blushing im staring you directly in your fucking eyes

they both wore it gayly and now they're gonna make out

Why's everyone always gotta pit two bad bitches against one another

I shocked church with my ‘math skills’ when they were asking how many seconds in a minute, minutes in an hour, hours in a day, days in a year, now how about minutes in a year - and I call out five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes without pausing to think, cos Rent

Once aced a religion class pop quiz that asked me to list all of Jacob’s sons since they’re the names of the 12 tribes of Israel. The one and only time I’ve been thankful for Andrew Lloyd Webber. I even got points for getting the birth order correct.

When i was in high school, my history teacher asked what historic technology caused the biggest alteration in military tactics. I answered stirrups, and explained that the ability to brace against the horse to use a weapon and the better maneuverability vs a chariot created the entire concept of cavalry, which led to modern tactics, etc. The teacher said I was the first student to ever give that answer and that I was basically correct, and then asked where I had found that out. I then had to explain I had read it in a Star Trek novel.

You know the thing about the songs part of this is that humans have been using poetry and songs to remember large numbers and historical facts since the dawn of time, and I honestly think it’s insane that we don’t value that as a culture anymore to the degree that teachers are surprised by it

You know what they say, you snooze you lose. And it looks like, you snost and you lost.

wow. wrote a full sentence. im a god. im done for the day

okay tumblr’s exclusion from the twitter social media ban list is hilarious but genuinely we do not belong on there. if a real human person asks “where can i find you on social media” and your choice is a swift death or revealing your tumblr, most of us would simply expire. half of y’all change urls every week like you’re in witness protection. just imagine for one second attaching your wholeass government name to your latest two am clownposting and tell me that didn’t send a cold chill down your spine. the only place i ever want to see the words “connect with me on tumblr!” is on the ao3 profile of an author i’m actively stalking. anyone in the world can follow me except anyone i personally know. antisocial media.

fully obsessed with the people in the notes who are like “i don’t know what y’all are worried about 🙄 i simply curate an entire dummy tumblr account connected to a different email address where i reblog a regular stream of cute animals and aesthetic pictures of old buildings and then give that url out instead” like they’re maintaining a deep cover identity for a cold war spy. completely normal behavior.