sovereign

in the distance, the pianist concludes his solo.

but sunset doesn’t bleed red for long. it dances with the clouds and burns orange, subdued yellow, building midnight shade. in my eyes, we kiss: neck to chest to pulse to fingertips. my body is a target and you are a lover of guns, shooting blanks just for the thrill of it. i am practice grounds, you are trigger happy, all for the sound. and i am downed, i am ruined. loving, losing, and hellbound.

And i say lover, let's go on like this forever finger gun hellos while your engine turns over. darling, it's beautiful: this rhythm in my chest beats staccato i'm a boy of small mercies trying to be a man, pulling lion courage to poise on my lips but darling, do you know the power you hold at your fingertips? it maps my skin like treasure down my arm, around my neck, between my thighs i welcome pleasure. and under moonlight, under satin breathing, we lay to rest your seeking fingers creep up and lay a mark on my beating chest-- for lust is a fleeting eagle, but love builds its nest. and maybe one day i'll hear your voice say: lover, let's go on like this forever. let's tell the world we found each other, because things like this don't come whenever-- and you'll kneel and i'll feel lips on mine and a ring on my finger. and i don't care that people say loving is beauty but loving is danger, i'll take the risk, just to wake up next to you as we grow old together.

defy gravity, darling-- let your phoenix burn through.

Don't teach me about fear, darling. Don't spin me tales about it. I know it better than the curves of my fingers, better than the lilt of my voice, better than the tilt of my stance. Don't teach me about fear, darling, because I've bid farewell to too many moons since we started this dance. Don't teach me about fear, darling. Because it's been lurking over my shoulder since I was thirteen and telling my friends that I wanted to be married by twenty-five. Now, it grips my hips and shakes my arms, snaking between my ribs pulling smiles and laughter apart, wrapping around my threadbare heart, killing its beating; it's beating, beating I'm beaten. Don't teach me about fear, darling. Because I once saw it as the shadows of the moon, clouds in the night, a dark mass of no-shaped objects, blocking the light. Now, it looms over me across the dinner table, the silhouette of my mom against fluorescent, her face, her body, her voice but a foreign noise, a distant poise, And I nod, keep nodding, downtrodden. Don't teach me about fear, darling. Because it was once heights, dog bites, crashing flights; all happenings of without. Now, it is a shallow cut from collar to coccyx, bones seeking warmth not offered by the sun, all things within-- and I am left sitting here, not angry, not lonely, but aching. Creaking like wood board underneath your feet every time I move, though I try my best to not make a sound, but that doesn't matter, I am bound to love you, left hurting whenever you're not around. Spellbound. Don't teach me about fear, darling. Because I know its names, both first and last, the ones it carries now, and the ones it went by in the past, Love, guilt, courage, surrender. All these words became sparks, then burning ember, wildfire of the body, kindling for the soul-- Fear, darling, is not a fleeting touch; it is what makes us whole.

He told me he loved me the third day of June; Uranus kissing Gaea with the fervor of the hurricanes and Monsoons he had building in his throat. He had the body of Apollo, deep contours on marble skin and I was No stranger to the depthless pull of the shoreline tide. I grew secrets like plants underneath my tongue-- Mistletoe urging me to kiss then to tell, but these weeds grew to be a garden--a forest-- Majestic, Unruly, Nimble; embedded deep into the cracks Of my teeth, little midnight clattering keeping me awake until Daybreak. Early mornings are spent dancing away From his lunar hands, moonstone fingers following my every turn. I pull my lips thin smiling through his Curiosity, as if I do not have a cross burning through my skin, through paper I keep permanently hidden in my back pocket. Every kiss I give him is a heartfelt apology, the veins under my skin are Nothing more than little root letters Carving sentences I cannot bring myself to say. Yellow has become my favorite color. Voir dire is a foreign concept to me so I dance with Iridescence as it accompanies me in greeting Venus of the dusk; Retrograde revolution reeling me back to the Umbra of your legs under silk sheets and sweaty skin, but no matter how I want to, I cannot let myself Surrender.

I may be found engulfed by laughter in the middle of a crowd On days where its harmony is our chosen language. But on nights like these-- where solitude is a breeze-- I am no lonelier than a desert's raincloud.

it’s being used and using.

i just don’t know if it is what life’s all about.

— self-awareness: tip #3 (4.30.17)  // n.j.txra 

“You’re not that naïve to ask.”

Let me tell you a story about a girl named Grace. She had a ballerina body and an angelic face, Eyes that spoke volumes and lips that, quite frankly, Had girls writing letters and boys going unruly. She wanted love, as do most-- And she hides it well (at least that's what she boasts). But after years of scrambling in the dark, She met a man-- let's call him... Clark. He was a boy of gentle flame, embers of a bonfire; A fluent tongue, an expert eye, the youngest of an empire. He gave his heart freely, as if love is everyone's right-- Gliding off his calloused fingers like pigeons taking flight. Grace, now adept at catching several things-- From her mother's accusations to the way her pulse sings-- Told Clark that he, with his ocean loving and his seaglass heart, Won't find her Luna solitude a beautiful work of art. "So, don't bother," said she, as her heart begins to race Behind her chest, within her ribs, and beating out of pace. "I'm not ready for commitment, and I'm not looking for a fling. Don't offer me lewd suggestions or, God forbid, a promise ring." But, he insisted, "I'll wait. I'll wait until the sun sets. I'll stay hoping to be loved by you until Sol gets his rest. Don't think of the sunset here, in case you misunderstand, Nor there, nor two countries over, but in all of the land. It has to be simultaneous, not a second off the mark, If you can take me to that moment, to where light turns to dark, I will slip away silently, like a shadow in the night, And leave only kindness, a whisper, without a tantrum or a fight." "That's impossible," said she. "That's against the laws of science." He flashed a debonair grin, replied, "Tell that to nature, I've formed with her an alliance." "And Father Time?" She questioned, a growing smile on her lips. "He was my mentor," he joked. "Gave me a few tips." Her face went a pale crimson, a light scarlet, a dark blush-- She listened to the winds of the night, and the moon bidding hush, She thought of her years, how they've come and how they've gone, How her days flew past her, but finding Clark only took one. And she mulled it over, what could she possibly lose? She had a chest full of loving--of longing-- might as well put it to use. Grace looked and found honesty dancing with moonlight in his eyes, She thought, to let go, free falling, that must be nice. "Okay, I concede, you win in this battle of the wills. You can try to woo me, to court, or throw rocks at my windowsill. But, don't forget, my body is my own-- and my heart, the same; Don't push it into wanting to spell out your name." On that night, when Grace and Clark went their different ways, You can see, if the light hits right, the gentle smile on each's face. And there begun the waiting game of two lovers, both unaware That love isn't a thing you can hope to happen--it's already there.

and that i shouldn’t rely on myself to keep on living, because “we have each other now, and our love to keep us breathing, and darling i tell you your mother may have kept you down, but you slayed those dragons and lost that frown, and i don’t care if the moon didn’t grant you beauty or the ocean, grace-- i know in my heart, and in my aching soul-- that bravery and courage wears your face.”

— first date jitters (3.10.17)   // n.j.txra

You smiled at me through the curtain of your lashes, and I felt Leo burning in my chest, whispering, "yes, lover. This is what pride feels like."

And so are we.”

This man I breathed for, he let go of balloons in his laughter while I kept roseless thorns and heavy sighs resting on my diaphragm. This man I breathed for, he filled his pockets with freshwater pools for his goldfish hands to swim in and my fingers held the grace of the shark. This man I breathed for, he gave her kisses with the day as their audience and ours were well acquainted with the dark.