#unrequited

Examining Triggers

Examining triggers

What tends to trigger thoughts about him?

I genuinely think he is in my mind at all times. Yesterday I was at six flags and I thought I would love to bring him here. I hope he likes rollercoasters. I think I want to insert him into the different parts of my life and therefore it makes it a little more real for me. Which in turn makes me even more delusional. I guess I am lying when I say I can never see past the first initial encounter, because sometimes I think about him domestically. Meaning, I think I can imagine being in a relationship with him, I have imagined myself going on dates with him with the imaginary relationship already established. But these are sooo incredibly seen through rose colored glasses that its kinda bonkers and really puts into perspective how crazy and alone I actually am.

Do certain emotions—loneliness, stress, boredom, rejection—make you think about him more?

I mean I guess loneliness can trigger me bringing him up in my mind again. I would say the reigning emotion or feeling is boredom. Unfortunately I am often bored, despite having so many things to do. I will whip him up, again in the perspective that I have created for him, due to the fact that I have never actually said shit to this man. The feeling of my life being centered around a random dude that does not even think about me is jarring and I hope sometime in the future I can be released from this. I’m kinda tired of it. There was a point within the last two years where I thought I was free, I kept thinking oh my god finally, I dont find this dude attractive anymore, and think I finally did it…. Wellllll look at me now. 🙁

How often do you look him up, revisit memories, or imagine interactions with him?

I think about him often, mostly imagine interactions that literally have no possibility of happening. EVER.. Sometimes I will revisit memories but most of them are from high school, and in general is me reaching asf. Like oh he liked me actually because I caught him looking at me blah blah blah. Whatever. He was probably looking at something/someone else that was in my general vicinity IDK IDC. Well this whole question therapy blog thing is happening because I did look him up and read something that I admit, I probably should not have read, but I did anyway. SAD SAD SAD. But I am constantly trying to find pictures of him but its like he has no other digital footprint which is crazy asf bc he has too frfr. I even look at his family's profiles but every single one of them are private, and for good reasons. LMAO protecting him from me for real.