#writerscreed

Breath of old paper, dusty scent

of antique inks, books open like

eyes. Unfurling and spreading tales

like mushrooms. Words falling soft

as a well-worn flannel, curling cozy

around shoulders and ears, warm as

a hug. Held gentle as a copper mule

of cocoa. Text thick and sweet,

One reason why we continue to stay in unhealthy relationships is because we are afraid of being alone. We would rather be with someone that mistreated us or causes discomfort than to be by ourselves.

So instead of perhaps waiting for the right person to come along, they grab hold of the person that is available right now.

They might overlook some defect of character to simply fulfil their need for company. This can create a monotonous life pattern for the individual involved.

We are given periods of being alone for a reason.

It is part of a healing process for some and for others it is a part of waking up to look at truth and reality. When someone avoids this period they never complete the process and therefore carry with them unnecessary baggage or resentments with them into the next relationship they are presented with.

A lot of times we discover that being alone can really just be a state of mind.

Being alone can have benefits to us especially after a period of difficulty. It allows the time that we need to reflect on what just occurred in our lives. We can kind of stand back and look at ourselves from an outsider’s perspective. We can look at our roles in relationships.

Maybe we performed in a manner that was not beneficial to us. Maybe we took on more responsibility than what was necessary.

Taking these moments to reflect can allow us to re-evaluate our wants and needs in a partner and most important in ourselves.

We can look beyond our circumstances and gain a fresh perspective on where we would like to be in our future.

We can think about what and who we would want to become. We can look at where we want to go. We can re-evaluate what priorities are the most important to us and look at what priorities have changed.

We can take the time to develop our character and regain any strength that may have been challenged along the way.

Know that our periods of being alone never do go to waste. They merely prepare us for whatever greatness lies beyond our own conceptions and they prepare us for moments worth the wait.

Endings

The end of a relationship is like a death, how you feel about it, how you respond and how you move on in your life after it, all depend upon how you as a person have prepared yourself for it or knew it to be coming.

A sudden death to a relationship like a sudden death of a person can be devastating to those around them. This isn’t to say that a relationship that has been terminal for years won’t create a shock, more that if unprepared for and thought through then its effect can be very difficult.

The difference between death and the end of a relationship is that both parties have to come to terms with an ending, and then live with possibility that though their connection as a couple may be over, they may still have connections; children, friends, family etc.

There are connections here with my earlier section on understanding bereavement, though here I’m suggesting eight stages or ideas to create understanding of the end of a relationship.

As before with other human processes, I don’t think we go from 1to 8 in a straight line.

Any and all of these eight stages or ideas can be occurring simultaneously, its no wonder that at times you will feel tired if you are learning to live with the end of a relationship…

They are;

Denial

2.  Anger/Confusion

3.  We can work it out

4.  It’s over: Now to Grieve

5.  What Went Wrong

6.  I’m not the same person

7.  No going back

Peace

1) DENIAL

Is when we fail to recognise or even avoid identifying the difficult issues within our relationship, even if others are painfully aware of them.

This denial frustrates those trying to help and only when a person enters stage two can they begin seeing that there may be problems. Denial is powerful and needs careful handling, there are times when we cannot handle the possibility of problems and pushing harder can sometimes create a deeper denial of problems.

There are those who can be divorced, their ex-partner remarried and they are still expecting them back through the door. On old maps where the world was unknown they wrote ‘Here be Dragons’ take note: Here be Dragons.

2) ANGER/CONFUSION

Feelings of anger and confusion occur in all stages; however, here the intense feelings of being irritated, angry and annoyed at our partners begin. 

What once was endearing becomes boring, tiresome and difficult to listen to, watch or be around.

This is confusing to us if we don’t recognise it is us that has changed and not our partners. Instead of recognising that we have begun to want something different, we can blame them for not giving us what we want or need. Understandably this causes confusion.

Despite the anger, confusion and frustration, partners may still not believe their relationship has ended, typically and unfortunately, this confusion creates angry feelings that can exacerbate the situation. Instead of being calm and maybe working out issues, anger and confusion only amplify any difficulties.

3) WE CAN WORK IT OUT

Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t, acknowledging that the relationship at risk, one or both partners try to repair it.  

If both partners are together in this, then the relationship may survive. Should only one want to work at this, then the chances for repair are limited; if one partner is in denial and other is in anger and confusion, then one is blaming the other and they think there is no problem…this does not hold much hope of survival.  

Bargaining happens here, when a partner who doesn’t want the relationship to end, may try to bargain; I’ll change if you stay, I’ll do this, I’ll do that etc. Unfortunately bargaining by one partner only doesn’t repair relationships and only delays or prevents any forward progress.

However, there are couples who are working things out when they celebrate their golden weddings and we can take heart from this.

4) IT’S OVER, TIME TO GRIEVE

Here when the relationship is recognised as truly over, anger, fear, sadness and loss are expressed, just as for any other bereavement. 

Grieving is a natural process and it is only by working through grief and acknowledging our loss do any healing processes begin.

It is natural too to want to withdraw for a while from those who want to be supportive, to be there for us and to be involved in helping.

If you need time alone, say so and let them know that you will at some point call upon them for that support, but that now you need time to think, grieve and work some things out for yourself.  Only you will know how you grieve and only you will know how much time you will need to take.

5) WHAT WENT WRONG?

The analytical phase, here the relationship is examined and where fault and blame can get allotted if we are not careful.

It may just be that the relationship ended not because of ‘badness’ but simply that two people couldn’t agree on what they wanted anymore.

Feelings of regret occur too, because as well as saying goodbye to the relationship we no longer can live with, we are also saying goodbye to the partner we once loved and the good relationship we once had.

There will also be some gains recognised, the freedom to behave in ways that suit you, to be self-indulgent without having to think of a partner’s needs.

This is a good time to begin to think afresh of our own needs; what did I learn about myself in relationships?

What do I need to learn so I don’t do again? This phase when worked through gives us permission to let go of any guilt for not being able to fix the relationship, we may recognise it was just unworkable.

6) I’M NOT THE SAME PERSON

When relationships finish, life changes; our in laws, friendships, residence, neighbourhood, daily routines, goals and outlook can all change.

Others may view us differently, we are no longer in a couple and they may not yet know how to be with us.

This happens too with bereavement; others can become fearful of how to talk with us and so may begin to avoid us, in case we talk about our loss. (again!)

This time of self-examination though scary and unsettling is vital because it gives understanding and time to appreciate ourselves and the changes we’ve been through, or are going through.

It’s a stereotype that women change their hairstyle at the end of a relationship and that men change their job, maybe this happens, maybe it doesn’t.

7) NO GOING BACK

Here begins the acceptance of why the relationship ended and why it needed to end. This builds from the earlier phases and the careful thinking through of what, how, when and why the relationship ended.

It may be too that after a period of time away from the fraught atmosphere of the ending relationship that we can begin to see our ex-partner as they are rather than how once we may have idealised them. Also after working through our own feelings we can recognise what are own needs truly are.

8) PEACE

Peace is when we move into full acceptance that the relationship is in the past and we no longer have difficult feelings towards our ex-partner, this doesn’t mean all feelings are gone but that now we feel at peace with the memories and history we had with them.

This may seem to be unattainable when this process begins, however, with love, careful thought and support, this will and does occur.

Neil Benbow

(c)neilbenbow2026

i don’t get it

she’s saying

in hurt

why you

don’t like me

if put on some

it’s simple

i try to explain

knowing full well

people never like

to know truths

i treat you

like you

treat me

if i put in

slightly more

kindness

generosity

it isn’t that

i don’t like you

you don’t like

this mirror with

its cracks showing

I was born dying, blood leaking

ferritin, liver blooming black

corruption, bile backing up,

rankling gallbladder, spleen

heavy and swollen. Skin

stretched red over blisters

rising under hateful sun.

Epilepsy of the intestines

hurtling vomit and feces --

I lost two pounds in my first

three months. Baby bones blue

and ghost-like under Bible paper

skin, so fragile and translucent.

Screaming my throat raw

(every day for months) until

exhaustion smothered me

into a sleep so close to death.

Four decades later, in the dark

coolness of my (aluminum sided)

crypt, the blisters still rise on skin

kissed by persistent sun. I putresce

more slowly in the dark, but still

my liver balloons with thin blood

and sharp black bile. Now my

pancreas has begun to rot. Blisters

bloom like jellyfish on the scans,

death's hand touching here and here.

Poison flows through me, sinking

into the meat of my brain, causing

ghosts to spill into my eyes and

speak my name with dead tongues.

Death is a strange ink, thin as my blood,

prone to clots, stinking of decay and

hospital sanitizer. I dab my fingers in

it, and write another epitaph for this

It is when kindness fails in defense of the innocent and all that is left is senseless, a stuttering incomprehension because I cannot comprehend the level of cruelty in humans.

It is so familiar, an ember still here from when I was a young one, learning about where we come from, understanding world history, how we could easily feed the hungry, how leaders rewrote the narratives to turn murderers into settlers, then into frontier heroes, even one into a president that still marks our currency, and currently we have another running neck and neck for first place in the worst case of inhumanity we have ever seen, a trail of tears and blood leading to our present sense of patriotic stupidity and white supremacy.

My rage could run for days, write a million pages about the wealth of racists who wage a war against immigrants and their children, while building a stock portfolio worth billions from the killing of millions of civilians, from bombing homes to destroying our environment.

I am incensed because it’s common sense a fraction of the wealth we expend enriching greedy men could raise the living standard of the whole world, no boy or girl would have to feel the hurt of hunger devouring them from within, and we could begin curing all diseases, there is no need for billionaires to compete to see who can hoard the most property, or digital make believe currencies when they could challenge themselves to be truly great, instead they infuriate, demonize those who try to help, and terrorize those who cannot stand for themselves.

There seems to be an endless well of outrage, all in the name of a love that is constantly beaten down, kicked into the mud, and laughed at as the butt of some twisted joke, like it is cool to not care about those in despair,

so I strain to restrain my fist, but every so often it slips. My guard drops for a second. Then I hear something sick. My rage reacts, and my knuckles get bruised. I remember myself, settle into my blues, just another day of heartbreak.

Then I get back in it working for my loves, cause I love, yes my love is the alpha and the omega of all that I am.

you are the sound

of a heartbeat

carried on the wind

you are the light

reflected in

faraway eyes

an ephemeral

thought

straining against

the darkness

to listen for

whispers

beyond the veil

Walking through streets yellowed by cateye lights and rain, thinking of you and what would come next. I was thin then.

My bones poked through threadbare gabardine bought second hand but coming from good sources: Aquascutum, through how many pairs of hands, much like you. Much like me, my bones poking into you, your world and dreams.

I was not sick of love then, not like now and knowing the maintenance of it. I was on my way to fuck you again, but the truth of it was my doing this for now rather than for later, love or whatever future our fucking might bring.

I was insensitive enough then not to think of how you might be, what you might be doing. Whether you were bathing, cleaning, preparing your cunt for me, for us. These things you hid from me, much like others did. Though once I watched Jane as she sucked water in and out of her cunt and wanting to fuck her again whilst she did. Turned on because she could. Wanting that energy, movement.

Insensitive to your dreams of us and what we might become.

Youth  and sights of other thighs had turned me away. You were nice enough, just bright enough but held no challenge, no mystery of self evolving, no future promise that what we were was a beginning.

So why, how come I think of you know, here 15 years later, hundreds of miles and forever away from those streets I sauntered on my way to you. Perhaps masochism that regret is, the gentle controlled lash of pain that could be but is power play enough to hint of more but not to scar.

Though I fancy boredom covers it instead, I think of you only in idle moments for that’s all we were, Idle lovers, with idle sex when life was raining and there was nothing else to do.

There could have been nothing more, I’ve seen you, heard of you, your life is slow, gentled to passing moments and next breaths, nothing will get to you for you are nothing, do nothing, try nothing, dare nothing.

I can scream my denial of envy for life has scarred me, some little before you and plenty after, but you missed that in your need to be in love.

To create a prince from my frog and then how I wished you were my princess with a kiss and feeling then as now that such stories were only for death defying hope.

You couldn’t kiss me, change, transform my ugliness, as my raincoat, the holes within were mine only.

And none of this stopped us trying, what other game was there?

neil benbow