"unstable equilibrium"

Someone once told me that I was hard to love. The way I switched back and forth so quickly, my emotions always shifted so swiftly- they told me I was unpredictable. Never knowing what you’re gonna get, I go from white and back to black again- never gray, I wish I could explain why I am this way But its hard. I am hard to love. You say touching me is like walking on egg shells- never knowing if you’ll be greeted with embrace or a slap to the face, whether I’ll think you’re sweet or just a sour taste- I’m sorry for my change of pace- I am teetering. Teetering between day and night, hiding in the shadows only to embrace the light never knowing what it is that I want, never knowing when I’ll change my mind- I am indecisive. Someone once told me I was the most infuriating person they’d ever met, they way I floundered like scared prey desperately avoiding their net- they said I just want to hold you, I said today I don’t want you to. Borderline. That’s what psychiatrists pegged my Personality with the addition of the word Disorder. My cells are disordered. I am hard to love. One second I adore your essence, the next second I can’t stand your presence and I’m sorry. So I will refuse your touch although I crave your attention, the pendulum that is my mind I thought I had mentioned- I am indecisive. I can be pulsing love through my veins at the hour and by the next rain down fury that showers You, and you will wonder exactly when the shift occurred. I wonder that too. My hands once used to cradle someone I felt so significant will suddenly find themselves feeling indifferent and I will have hurt you But I never meant to. I never meant to climb aboard this never ending roller coaster ride, the one that doesn’t prohibit letting more passengers inside- I never meant to be Borderline.