Friday, 9th September 2016
Today something happened and I wanted to share this story because it is a ‘the universe is constantly changing and supporting you’ and a ‘power of human connection story’.
I have seen this woman many times in class and adjusted her yoga postures but today, I was adjusted and I really saw her. Her shoulder blade was exposed, I read the small words in cursive tattooed across her skin ‘Layla.. you got me on my knees’. I felt these words held a very different meaning to her, I recognised the lyrics with a heaviness in my chest. I noticed a change in me begin, the kind of change I couldn’t make alone.
As the other students rolled up their mats to leave, I bent down, scrolled through my playlist, took a very deep breath and pressed play. “See if you can spot this one” Eric Clapton says in a cool tone. A familiar riff fills the room. I turn it up loud. He sings “what will you do when you get lonely”. Her eyes lit up instantly and her body began to dance, mine followed as it usually does. We swayed and sang together, she strummed an imaginary guitar. I will treasure this moment for all time.
This small observation of a few words that meant a lot to her and my decision to let her know that I noticed, was a surrendering of my feelings in order to witness another person, despite the discomfort I thought it would cause. I really wanted to see who she was in that song, not me, just her. After the last notes left the air, she began to tell me about the song for her, she has 12 or so versions of Layla, she likes them all, she could play the song on both an electric and acoustic guitar - this was her one goal for such a long time but she was not sure if she still knew how. I hope she plays it when she gets home. She told me how seeing Eric Clapton play in London was the best moment of her life. Then she said “he is getting old now”. The words ‘old now’ often hold a lot of feeling, one day soon the artist that contributed to her favourite song may not be around anymore, he has changed from the man of the era of the song.. ageing. As we all do.
I asked her if she had read his autobiography because my friend told me he was kind of a bastard “Is that true? What do you think?”. She told me it is a sad story, he drank a lot and that I should read it sometime. I reflected and summoned up some compassion “I guess living like that would be really hard, one day I might read it”.
I did not tell her what the song meant to me, because I was no longer sure, it was different now and I would never want to tarnish something special to her with my story anyhow. I had been dancing to that song on New Years Eve. The sequence of events since have all been very difficult to navigate. I had avoided Layla, too much pain in that song.
When I decided to play this to her today, I made a choice, how going through something painful for me would bring joy to her. That was all that mattered because I knew that her joy would be contagious, how this song clearly uplifted her soul and for a little while today my soul followed hers, from my darkness of experience into the her light of her experience. I’d been hoping that her smile would brighten the overcast sky outside, as she went about her day.
To live in the moment can take tremendous courage, at least that is how I felt when I hit play. Being present can mean leaving your old ideas behind and allowing new ideas and feelings in, based on the current reality and to continue doing that every second. To rewrite and edit your story constantly, over and over. The draft is saved somewhere but you get to choose what you publish right now.
It is these connections of the heart that have kept me going, it is where i draw my fortitude. When I connect and get to really see a person, when they let me in, all I want to do is give them more of what inspires them, makes them sing, dance and play air guitar. That is light. That is love. That is my job. Love is everywhere if you’ll only notice, love resides within you, sometimes just the faintest flicker of a flame, but it is there. Protect it and watch over it as if you had already burnt out your last match.
For this positive experience to occur I had to allow myself to become vulnerable, for someone so verbally and physically expressive and also quite open, I actually dislike vulnerability a lot. All past attempts of vulnerability have been traumatic. I much prefer to claw for strength even when I am scratching from limited inner resources. To let go of my foolish pride generally is met with an inner whisper of “no”. It may not really seem like a big deal but today I listened to a song that I knew would pang, yet I found solace in this woman’s disposition and her story. I hope I added another layer of happiness to the meaning of that tattoo on her shoulder blade. The memory of us dancing and singing together.
I doubt I will ever be unmoved by how we are all so similar, yet still so unique. What one song meant to me, had a whole different meaning to her. Today I think I took a step forward, because I can at least listen to it now if I want. I like that song, I prefer the acoustic variation.
Miss Taylor… You got me on my knees. You turned my whole world upside down.
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