Disordered Disaster

money? yeah, you’re gonna spend it all on useless things like excessive amounts of food and clothes in hope of making yourself feel better. then you’ll regret it five minutes later

 you hate yet love everyone and everything. hate. love. hate. love. it’s a never ending, exhausting cycle of intense emotions. there’s no in between

someone doesn’t respond to your message in ten minutes? it’s time to make dramatic assumptions. do they suddenly hate you? are they dead? 

you’re slightly inconvenienced? it’s time to commit suicide

all your relationships fail and you just can’t seem to figure out why

 you feel like everyone is the same. you see the same pattern over and over again in your relationships and your friends

you feel happy for once? well guess what, in about seven minutes you’ll feel like throwing yourself into traffic because Johnny didn’t want to share his pencil with you

nothing is worse than the overbearing feeling of emptiness that follows you daily and haunts you like a ghost

you’re constantly angry. just the idea of someone breathing in your vicinity is infuriating 

baths? did you mean: self-harm hours? 

everyone is against you including yourself

who is that in the mirror? is that me? Why do I look like that? I can’t recognize myself

 i’m sorry, what did you say? repeat yourself again. and again. sorry, i didn’t hear you. again. repeat yourself for the fifth time, i wasn’t paying attention i guess

you’re useless unless you’re perfect

therapy? no

 oh, is that a character I relate to? let me obsess over them for the next nine months

 you’re the most evil and horrible person you know, yet simultaneously the most pure and naïve person you know

you feel like the devil when you say no to someone

how about I split on my best friend for the eighth time today for absolutely no reason!

am I abusive? am I like my abusers?

 they said something that seemed weird to me… are they going to leave me? Is this the end? Is this all there is? Should I leave them? Maybe I’ll just disappear

you hardly remember anything from before the age of 10

nothing is real. we’re all going to die. nothing matters.

my therapist:

1. You should say what you mean.

Stop being lazy and learn to use words correctly. You can say “X is a violent/bad/evil” person without ever resorting to ableism.  And like, why are people so attached to using ableist slurs? The “queer is a slur” movement had much better success than the “please don’t call us crazy” movement, and like, one was started by terfs and the other was started by people who actually are harmed by the use of those words…it’s almost like…..

2. They’re used as propaganda.

When the slurs mentioned above are used, usually people are either a) trying to demonize those who have been victims of a piss-poor healthcare system and keep you from identifying yourself with, and thus practicing compassion towards, those who are mentally ill, b) trying to remove agency from someone who chose to do something wrong, or c) trying to fool you into believing that because YOU experience a ““”““normal”““““ level of empathy, you are incapable of acting cruelly towards others. Do you want to be a tool of fascist propaganda? Using ableist slurs can be part of that. Take gun control, for example. Every time people are like “hey. Gun control.” The NRA and other groups are like “Ohhh, but it’s CRAZY people, it’s PSYCHOTIC people, it’s SOCIOPATHS who are responsible, we should focus on mental health instead of the fact that our business model depends on children dying of gun deaths!” 

and then. They don’t actually crusade for better mental health services. They keep making money off of people who are scared of seeing their kids die and have been convinced that owning a deadly weapon is the answer to that fear.

Take school shootings. School shootings happen when an individual chooses to act violently, makes a plan to cause death, and then causes death. It’s not unavoidable. It’s not accidental. It’s not because of mental illness. It is a CHOICE. 

And perhaps because most shooters are white, people have a lot of trouble seeing that that violent act was a CHOICE. So they convince themselves that mental illness Is The Cause. 

(even though very, very few shooters are actually diagnosed with schizophrenia, psychosis, or other conditions which cause delusions or hallucinations, and even when they are mentally ill, their illness is not typically linked to their violence)

Nobody wants to believe that they are capable of choosing to be cruel towards other human beings. So we convince ourselves that only “crazy” people can be bad people. But compassion is an action, not a feeling. Just because you lack a certain diagnosis, doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for ever doing any work towards making sure you’re doing the right thing.

Your trauma was severe enough, your mental illness is severe enough, your disorder is severe enough. 

And then STILL posted Instagram pictures of the fort with a lengthy, pretentious caption about how hard it was to be friends with crazy people.

People think anxiety can always be cured by soft things and tea

And depression can be cured by being a Netflix burrito for a day

Or that ad.d. is some cute quirky thing rather than the debilitating education killer it can be.

Or that being pro ana will get you to your goal weight of heroine chic so you'll look like a Victoria secret model (plot twist you wont)