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Yes yes I know this too shall pass but christ alive man it's passing like a gotdamn kidney stone

jacob is sitting in front of a huge canvas right now with a charcoal pencil in his fist trying to figure out how to make the ottawa centaurs logo look like it's performing autofellatio

we're all so lucky that a cat can be orange. that's such an incredible color for a cat to be

Shane and Ilya’s daughter has to do a family tree project in class. They’ve done a great job at emphasizing to her that parents can be any two people that love each other and she understands that other kids might not know that. The rest of the project will be pretty straight forward - Shane doesn’t have any siblings and their daughter doesn’t know much about Ilya’s family at this age besides that papa has a mama that watches over them and that loves her very much. Shane is still nervous about it and having a Very Normal Shane Reaction wondering if she will feel left out for not having a mom and feeling sad that she will never know her papas family and wondering if she is lonely and if they should have another kid. When they get an email from the school asking them to come in at pickup to discuss her family tree Ilya is already angry and ready to pick a fight with whatever stupid kid is bullying their daughter for having two dads. They walk into the classroom and their daughter is standing with her arms crossed insisting that there is nothing wrong with her project and when the teacher slides it across the table they see something so bizarre that they don’t know where to start. She’s drawn on only one side of the tree - Ilya and Shane both stemming from Yuna and David. Next to them are about ten stick figures of different sizes all with hearts around them. While they’re trying to decipher what on earth she has drawn she starts presenting it with her little finger saying “see? Dad is grandma Yuna and grandpa David’s son and Papa is grandma Yuna and grandpa David’s son, too.” And then she moves her finger along with “and that’s uncle Hayden, uncle Troy and uncle Harris, uncle Evan, uncle Luca….” And as she’s naming every stick figure Shane is trying to figure out how he’s going to explain to her teacher that he is not married to one of his 10 brothers when he is actually an only child and Ilya has to turn away because he’s crying at the reminder that the family that adopted him adopted her as well and there has never been a child that has been so loved

all i have to say is hudson would've been A DELIGHT in the barbie movie. i mourn what we couldn't have

Unrivaled but it's 390pages of Ilya and Shane flirting in the locker rooms hallways going "come here often?" and "my husband wouldn't like that, he's very jealous" followed by "he doesn't have to know" bc their rings are on chains under their shirts at the moments. Also honourable mentions to "looks like a nasty bruise. Want me to kiss it better?" and "your lips look lonely do they want company?" and "hey, handsome, wanna take this back my place?" or randomly pushing one or the other against a wall and whispering in the other's ear the room number that they both share. Like just the whole book of them flirting hard and fucking even harder sometimes, and you realise via flirt and chirps from their teammates at times all through the book that Ottawa in on a hellfire run to the Stanley Cup and the book ends with them flirting as they lift up that damn cup

ilya's phone gets hacked and his texts are leaked on the internet but everyone is so distracted by the shocking reveal of his torrid sexual affair with marleau that the jane stuff just kinda flies under the radar. he and marly explain that when they text each other like "need to choke on that thick cock rn" they're just joking and they get cancelled for treating gay sex as a punchline

alternatively this happens after shane and ilya are out and everyone assumes ilya is cheating on shane with marly so now he gets double cancelled, first for the cheating and the for the homophobia despite being married to a man

Headcanon that Shane ask Harris for help for his social media, and Harris convinces him to do trends. Shane ends up with a video of "In your teens you’re gonna be nervous about introducing yourself to Russia's best teen hockey player. It’s very important that you do it anyway" and includes a montage of Hollanov wedding pictures. Ilya ends up tearing up when he sees it.

Fully obsessed with the idea the Shane thinks this is just what Casual Sex™ is is like. Ilya's the king of casual sex so this must be what it's supposed to be like. Yes, he's kissing tear tracks away from Shane's cheeks while telling him how beautifully he takes it. Yes, he's waxing poetic about Shane's mouth being made for him, carved out by the gods just as a place for Ilya's cock to call home. Yes, he's stroking Shane's hair and kissing his face for an indeterminable amount of time in those instances where he makes Shane's brain go so fuzzy that it feels like he entirely vacates his body and, yes, he's stroking Shane's back and telling him how well he did until it feels like his feet are finally back on solid ground. That's Normal.

I’m currently obsessed with the idea of Ilya’s niece going to college in Canada and reconnecting with him. But have we CONSIDERED. Ruby Pike excitedly bringing home her girlfriend for the first time. Hayden and Jackie doing their oversupportive ally parent thing freaking out over making the perfect dinner. Hayden opens the door to his daughter hand-in-hand with a tall girl with curly blonde hair and a very familiar smirk. She introduces herself as Irina Rozanova and Hayden’s blood runs COLD. Jackie and Irina are already queening out. Hayden’s still standing at the front door in shock. The possibilities here are hilarious and I demand more Pike daughter/Rozanov niece fics immediately

you know it makes absolutely no fucking sense that they weren't sending each other nudes and videos on snapchat. for god's sake. it was 2013. ilya rozanov's snapchat was fucking off the rails. can you imagine. you NEVER fucking knew what you were going to see on one of his stories. their snap streak broken during rose. absolutely heart wrenching. for sale 2 snapchat videos of-- well let me not say. never worn.

(Listening to Does Your Mother Know) I have many normal thoughts about rookie/captain Hollanov

I am a big defender of Shane not wanting to come out and one of the biggest reasons that I haven’t seen discussed much is how much worse it is to come out as a Gay Asian Bottom compared to coming out as a bisexual (white) man who is already regarded as a sex machine. Like Asian men are already overly feminized in the west. Shane’s general demeanor is subdued, he doesn’t drink or party often, and he abides by strict rules and a diet that already makes him an outsider. He doesn’t sleep around and has only has one public relationship with a woman under his belt, which ended very quickly. He’s the exact opposite of Ilya in all these ways and it puts him at a disadvantage. He has a “soft” image he spends his whole life actively opposing. His image is working against him; him being gay contributes to it and worsens it. Ilya’s image is working in his favor; being with a man is an anomaly OR further proof of his sexual prowess. And bc of Ilya’s well known history of sleeping around and generally aggressive attitude, it will be assumed he would be the top. Through a heteronormative lens, which is obviously the norm in hockey, that makes him the “man” in the relationship. If anything, his ability to “dominate” another man may bolster his image, make him even more of an “alpha male”. But being a bottom is seen as inherently demeaning and effeminate, thanks to misogyny, homophobia, and rape culture. The less bulky, quiet, shy man with a shocking lack of experience with woman is obviously the bottom (and this is even worse if they have the height and body differences canon to the books). Shane will be seen as weaker (and what could be worse than that in a contact sport like hockey). He’ll be viewed as the “woman” in the relationship, which is to say he will be viewed as inherently inferior. And draws further attention to the parts of him he’s tried to hide (aka autism symptoms) which will now be treated as further evidence of his sensitivity and otherness. Everything he does now is gay. But being with Shane is the only gay thing Ilya does. Without the threat of Russia, Shane has far more to lose from coming out imo. And his team’s reaction proves that. He deserves some grace.