Thinking about hollanov 24/7. Avid fanfic reader for over a decade + occasional fanfic writer. pfp is tim drake by virfujiwara Check out my stuff My AO3
I want a friendship between Shane and Cliff Marleau (sort of like an extrovert adopts an introvert type of thing). Pre-outing, they’re close enough that Shane comes out to him.
“Hey,” Cliff says, suddenly struck with the best idea he’s ever had. “I think I know someone you’d get along great with.”
“Marleau, I’m not really looking—“
“No, no, trust me. He’s a good guy, and one of the best hockey players I’ve ever met—aside from you, of course.”
Shane isn’t sure where Cliff is going with this, but he does know he’s not interested in anyone but Ilya.
“I know you mean well but—“
“Rozanov,” Cliff announces, grin a mile wide, and Shane blinks. Cliff, for his part, is incredibly sure this is a good idea; he knows that Ilya is bisexual, even if he doesn’t talk about it. Even Cliff is aware of the dangers with Russia. Even if the rest of the league hates it, they can fuck off.
Mistaking Shane’s silence for skepticism, Cliff continues, “I know he seems like an asshole, but he’s one of the best men you’ll ever meet. I know you’ve seen it—the whole rivalry thing is bullshit anyways, right? He’s actually a big softie…”
Cliff talks up Ilya, and Shane smiles, glad that Ilya has such a good friend—even though he isn’t sure how to tell Cliff that he and Ilya are already an item.
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Oh no i was intrigued. I was tempted! I saw your reblog about the Cens being assholes and went 'Well by golly I haven't read that yet sign me up!' GREED WAS MY FOLLY & SELF DESTRUCTION
I see you have discovered cardiac tamponade heheh. I’m sorry and you’re welcome lol. Feel free to come scream at me some more when you finish, I have so many Thoughts about that fic
del.....i beg of u......more bratva kidnapping/post kidnapping content.....they're so special to me....
luna I've had this sitting in my inbox for days because I kept thinking about it and wanted to write something. anyways here's a post-kidnapping Shane being picky about his smoothie.
__
Ilya had only been downstairs for a few minutes, just long enough to see his private doctor out, and had come back into the bedroom to see Shane trying to get out of bed.
“Ah, no, no,” he said, already herding Shane back under the covers. “I should get you a little collar with a bell, so I can hear you moving around.”
“You know, they didn’t actually break my legs,” Shane said as Ilya tucked him back in bed. “I can walk.”
“Too much energy. Energy you should be using to rest.”
Ilya catalogued Shane’s face; it had been covered in angry purple and red bruises a week ago, which had now faded to sickly yellow and green. His eyes and cheeks were still swollen, there was a large, scabbing cut on his plump lower lip. Ilya knew there were more bruises under Shane’s silk pajama top, especially over the cracked ribs on his left side. His right hand, folded neatly in his lap, had three broken fingers set in splints.
Today, Dr. Lebedeva had told both of them that Shane was healing well, all things considered. He would make a full recovery within a month or two. “He is very lucky,” she had told Ilya as she was leaving. “He is strong boy. He will be fine.”
Ilya set a hand on top of Shane’s head, being careful to avoid bumping any of the bruises on his face.
“What do you need?” he asked. “What can I bring you?”
“I just want a smoothie. I can make it.”
“No, I will make it for you.”
“Ilya,” Shane sighed. “You know – “
“I know how you are with your smoothies, yes,” Ilya said, and fished his phone out of his jeans pocket. “Tell me what you want, I will write it down.”
“Fine. One cup of frozen blueberries, one cup of spinach, half a banana, half a cup of plain yogurt – plain, not vanilla – a teaspoon of agave nectar, and then water to cover everything. Water, Ilya, not milk. Not even almond milk. It should be really thin.”
“I will make it now,” Ilya said as he typed the last note into his phone, and then kissed the crown of Shane’s head. “Give me five minutes. Do not get up.”
Ilya went downstairs, keeping an ear out for any movement upstairs as he moved around the kitchen. He fished each individual ingredient out of the fridge, freezer and cabinet, measuring everything out carefully as he loaded it into Shane’s industrial blender.
He switched the blender on, watching as the machine ground down the berries and spinach. He hoped that the unbearably loud grinding would distract him from his own thoughts, but lately his mind always found its way back to the same few images – Shane on a dirty, cold concrete floor, blood on his mouth and near-black bruises on his bare torso.
It was a sloppy job, an amateur gang that was easy to track. Ilya had found Shane in less than 24 hours. And in that time, he had been hurt badly enough that it would take him months to be back to normal.
So yes, maybe Ilya was being a little extreme insisting Shane stay in bed all day, aside from the short, doctor-recommended walks around the courtyard in the morning and evening. But he needed to make sure there was no possible way for Shane to get hurt again, at least for a little while.
When the smoothie was blended, Ilya got out a small spoon to taste test it. He winced when it hit his tongue; it was barely sweet at all, and the texture resembled slightly gritty water. He had followed the recipe exactly, but maybe this was wrong. If it was, he’d just make another one. He’d make Shane a dozen smoothies if that’s what he wanted.
He poured the smoothie into one of Shane’s beloved tumblers, and then went back upstairs to deliver it. Shane was still in bed, propped up against the small mountain of pillows Ilya dutifully set up every morning and fluffed no less than five times a day.
“I do not think I made this right,” Ilya said as he handed the smoothie over. “It tastes horrible.”
Shane took it from him, delicately setting his busted lips on the tumbler’s thick plastic straw. He looked up at Ilya as he sipped, a small smile forming on his face.
“No, that’s perfect. You did really good.”
“If you are happy with disgusting smoothie, then I am happy, too.” Ilya said. “What else do you need?”
“Can you lay down with me?” Shane asked. “Later, I mean. After you finish work?”
“I am done with work now.”
Shane narrowed his eyes. He glanced over to the clock on the bedside table, then back at his husband.
“Ilya. No you’re not.”
“I am. I just finished before the doctor came. Very lucky, good timing.”
Shane gave him another look, then reached out to pull back the covers on the other side of the bed.
“Okay. Come here, then.”
Ilya crawled onto the mattress, carefully arranging his body to slot next to Shane without bumping his sore ribs. Shane lifted his unbroken hand, carding his fingers through Ilya’s curls as he settled down.
“Are you feeling okay?” Ilya asked. It was probably the eighth time that day he had asked.
“I’m fine, my head hurts. And I’m tired,” Shane said. It was also the same thing he had answered each time that day.
“Do you need more medicine? Something to help you sleep?”
“No, no, I just want you to stay here.”
“I will stay with you forever. I will never leave you.”
“I know that,” Shane laughed, then winced. “Ow. Don’t make me laugh, that hurts.”
“You made yourself laugh, zaika,” Ilya said, rubbing his cheek into Shane’s silk-covered shoulder. “Drink your smoothie, before it gets more disgusting.”
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i love the idea of shane asking ilya to play russian roulette in the first twenty four hours after their reunion when they are so adrenalined and turned on and awkwardly silent. & then getting mad in the afterglow of that when he discovers the gun wasn’t loaded like OH so who’s the liar now ilya??
....right so okay I really liked this idea and kind of wrote 1.2k words about it. thank you anon and also thank you @shanehollandered for informing me that the gun in this criminal minds still is the type of revolver used to play russian roulette. as if I wasn't already getting enough mileage out of that image as it was.
uh anyways I hope y'all enjoy. trigger warning this entire thing is about guns and contains some violent language around it.
--
When Ilya entered the room again, he was holding a gun.
That wasn’t strange, at least not until he sat down on the motel room’s second bed, his body parallel to Shane. Closer up, Shane could see the gun wasn’t the small, compact pistol Ilya had been carrying since he picked Shane up. This one was a revolver, small and more old fashioned.
Wordlessly, Ilya opened the cylinder, slipped a single bullet into it, and snapped it back into place.
“Do you remember,” Ilya said. “When you asked if I would play Russian Roulette with you?”
Shane’s face burned at the memory of himself, younger and idiotic, begging Ilya to pretend to put his life in danger just because he thought it was hot. At the same time, his stomach twisted, acid suddenly burning at the back of his throat.
“I asked if you remembered,” Ilya prompted when Shane had been quiet for too long.
“Yes, I remember.”
“Well,” Ilya said. “We are playing now.”
Ilya pressed the revolver to his temple, and before Shane could protest, pulled the trigger. Shane flinched, but aside from the quiet clicking of the revolver, nothing happened. Ilya was still in front of him, breathing and unharmed, and he flipped the gun around to offer the handle to Shane.
“Your turn.”
“Ilya,” Shane said. “Please, come on.”
“It is just a game,” Ilya said, shaking the revolver impatiently in Shane’s direction. “Take the gun, Shane.”
“Fuck,” Shane breathed out, snatching the revolver. He wiped his sweat-slick palms on his thighs, then examined the weapon so he could properly fit his fingers around it.
He tried to mirror Ilya’s actions, pressing the mouth of the barrel to his right temple, but Ilya huffed and shook his head.
“No, no, lower,” Ilya said, already standing up. “Here.”
He grabbed Shane’s wrist, forcing the movement of his hand. He directed Shane to move the barrel a few centimeters down and pushed it forward so it was snug against Shane’s temple. Finally, he sat back down, crossing his arms.
“There. Now you will die and not just be paralyzed. Now go.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Shane snapped. “Why are we doing this?”
“Because I am bored and this shitty motel has no cards. Shoot the gun.”
A flare of anger ripped through Shane, enough to make him pull the trigger without thinking. He flinched when the barrel jumped against his skin and the mechanism of the revolver made a hollow clicking sound, but no bullet arrived to rip his head apart.
Ilya smirked, leaning forward with an open hand. Shane handed it off, shaking his head to try to clear the echoing sound in my own brain.
Ilya easily set the barrel to his own temple, pulled the trigger to nothing, and then handed the gun back to Shane.
“Three more turns.”
“We don’t have to do this,” Shane said as he flipped the revolver around in his hands.
“No, no, I think we do,” Ilya sat back, crossing his arms. “Do you know you can turn that gun to me anytime you want? I put my other gun in the car, I have nothing else. I cannot stop you.”
“I guess. But – “
“That plan would only work if the gun does go off, and if you are a good shot,” Ilya cut in. “If it doesn’t go off, or you don’t kill me, then I will kill you with my bare hands.”
Ilya tilted his head, his smile sharp.
“You see why this game is fun now, huh?”
“And…” Shane swallowed. “On your turn, would you try to shoot me?”
“Take your turn, Shane.”
Shane really should try to at least get out of this room. Maybe call for help. Maybe fight back in some meaningful way. But instead he lifted his hand again, fired the empty shot, obediently handed the gun back to Ilya.
Ilya finished his next turn, another uneventful, bullet-less firing. He glanced at the cylinder, then back at Shane, lifting his brows as he handed to him.
“Ah,” Ilya said. “Last turn and it is you. Bad luck.”
Shane swallowed, his mouth too dry and too wet all at once. He looked down at the revolver in his hands, his vision blurring a little bit, and then back up at Ilya. The other man was just watching him, leaned forward a little, mouth flat and eyes hard.
“You’re actually going to make me do this?” Shane asked, but Ilya was silent.
“Oh, fuck you,” Shane countinued, his words jumbled around the nervous salvia gathering in his mouth. “You could’ve killed me anytime you fucking wanted, and you can’t even do it now? You’re going to make me blow my own fucking brains out in this shitty motel?”
Ilya blinked, finally, the first sign of movement on his face since he’d given Shane the gun.
“I know what I could do to you,” Ilya said. “But I want to know if I married a coward.”
Shane could feel his heartbeat hammering in his temples, his wrists, the hollow of his throat. He felt his own hand, somehow still steady as he lifted it to his temple, his police academy training kicking in despite everything. His eyes scanned the room with its yellow, water-stained ceiling, the scratchy bedsheets, the boxy TV. Ilya sitting in front of him, his wrinkled henley shirt and dark jeans and blank expression.
These would be the last things Shane would ever see. He had never missed a shot, not once, not even when he was learning. He would not miss now.
He kept his eyes open as he pulled the trigger. It jumped against his finger, the machinery grinding. No bullet came.
Ilya got up, easily snatching the revolver from Shane’s hand before he could try again.
“This is old gun. My grandfather’s. Piece of shit,” Ilya said. “This one part always jams. See? I even have it marked.”
He popped open the cylinder and turned the gun enough for Shane to see more clearly. Shane could see there was a small groove carved into the metal, right next to the chamber that contained the single bullet.
“You knew it wouldn’t go off,” Shane said.
“Yes.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Shane snapped. He stood quickly, wiping his wet hands on his shirt. “Giving me all this shit for lying to you and then you do this bullshit? What the hell is that?”
“Are you that eager to die?” Ilya snorted, standing up as well. “You should not have told me, now I have no choice but to let you live.”
Shane was about to snap at him again and curse him out in a way that was probably not smart, since Ilya was still holding the gun and could easily reload the bullet into a chamber that actually worked.
Before he could, Ilya caught him, grabbing Shane by the chin. He squeezed his fingers around Shane’s cheeks, pulling his face closer to his own.
“Shane,” he said. “You would do anything for me.”
“Well – “
“That was not a question.”
Ilya dropped his hand, tucking the jammed gun back into his waistband.
Hiiii I just wanna say I’ve reread cardiac tamponade at least three times and it always hits so thank you for writing!! I am curious if you have any thoughts on how Ilya interacts with the team after the events of cardiac tamponade? Like how is he balancing his preexisting friendships and duties as captain vs love for shane? It’s just so hard to fathom how he can be chill with them after all of this, but also shane would be so mad if he jeopardized the team in any way, and I just don’t know what he could do! I made up a happy ending for myself where shane befriends the WAGs but thinking about Ilya’s role is just really getting to me. Is he more guilty or angry or forgiving or ???? I just think of how heartbroken he must be realizing he didn’t protect shane + lied that the team would be good + shane thinks he deserves to be treated this way. How do you forgive people who just wanted to help you and how do you avenge someone who thinks they deserved to be hurt? Sorry to be insane in your inbox, I just feel a lot about this fic lol. Pls ignore if this is an obnoxious ask, I am just always thinking about this fic and would love to hear any thoughts you’re willing to share :)
hi!!! thank you so much, I'm glad you liked CT so much <33 (and believe me, this isn't obnoxious at all -- I loooove talking about my writing as much as any other author LOL)
That's a great question and it's something I've thought about a lot as I'm writing the sequel lol. you hit on all of the conflict points: he's stuck between being a professional with his team and husband, and being a husband to Shane first and foremost, because what the cens did was deeply unprofessional, but at the same time, shane doesn't see it as unprofessional andddd it's all evil and confusing.
I will say that I think, with how CT ended, he's going to double down on the "I'm your husband before I'm your teammate" statement as often as he can. So not necessarily in the rink itself, but in the locker room before and after, team events off of the ice, the BTS of media days, etc etc. Spoilers-not-spoilers, he HAS to maintain a level of cordiality that you see externally in the sequel's beginning, but his internal dialogue is very . upset and angry with the team. he's at odds with his own desires here.
To put that more clearly, I am confident he is not forgiving about this. Shane said that Ilya's forgiving and he's not wrong necessarily, because Ilya's definitely more forgiving than Shane lol, but he also sees Shane and his happiness as his responsilibty, so along with guilt, he's genuinely bitter over what the Cens did, even if he doesn't think they're bad people (he understands what they thought and why, but he doesn't understand why they did what they did). But despite that, he still trusts them with the hockey of it all, even if he doesn't trust them with himself or Shane anymore; so again, it comes down to a professional vs. personal conflict, and I think he's compartmentalized enough historically to be able to manage that, even if he's not happy about it.
As for how he handles Shane's whole... yeah... I think he's going to take a more active role. People had lots of issue with Ilya being passive/not arguing against what Shane said about handling the team, but I sincerely think that at a time like this, where Ilya thinks he has everything he wanted, he really would be relaxed enough to let Shane lead in these regards (plus, he consistently deferred to Shane in tlg on the handling of their public image so...) -- I think the disparity between people's understanding of Ilya and what I wrote comes down to the implementation of a D/s dynamic. I did not, in fact, write in a D/s dynamic at all, but because that's such a pervasive lens to view their relationship through (not that that's a bad thing, I think a story with erotic elements SHOULD be analyzed through an erotic lens in a lot of cases) it kinda skews people's understanding of their non-sexual relationship. SHANE is the one leading it, both out of a mix of his paranoia and Ilya's pathological need to make people happy, but the fact of the matter is that he's the leader in their public interactions for the most part.
^ all that to say, he's definitely going to take on more of an argumentative role in the sequel, since Mr. Hollander still isn't going to therapy LOL. I don't think he's doing it through an intentionally avenging mindset, but his personal treatment of the team (inviting them over, doing things for them, etc.) will reflect that a little. He might (not definitively saying this) force the team to act more like what he and Shane expected, even if it's just through his influence LOL.
Ilya was a tough character to write and involve in CT because of his passivity, but you're so right, his role in it all is so integral. Please please please give me your thoughts on him, I'm sooo fascinated by everyone's anger/appreciation for him. it's so interesting
Since you asked for my thoughts on Ilya… I thought a lot of commenters were too harsh on him! He was kind of like Shane in TLG. Yes ideally he would pry and wouldn’t back off when Shane said everything was fine and would have gotten to the root issue… but you also can’t be upset with someone for believing their partner when they say they are fine. Shane repeatedly told him he was fine (just like Ilya in TLG) and was just respecting Shane’s requests when he backed off. Like I am very sad and protective of shane but also he’s a grown man!
But I think the fact Ilya went through this himself and has gone to therapy makes this extra painful and juicy. He feels like he should have seen the signs. He should have known shane wouldn’t be upfront about his depression when he wouldn’t. And he’s the one who has been to therapy and knows how to healthily deal with this but he didn’t do that for his man! And the truth is bc he didn’t want Shane to be depressed. Everything was finally going perfect - he was meshing with his team and he had friends and family and finally had shane with him. He’s not going to go searching for problems. Which is very reasonable. But to him probably feels like a moral failing. He feels like he was selfish (and maybe he was, but he was just being human).
He’s also soooo torn about respecting Shane’s boundaries vs doing what he thinks is right. Bc shane has shown he will not prioritize himself. And that he thinks he deserves to be mistreated. And Ilya is not down with that! So he has to figure out when to put his foot down and prioritize shane when no one else is going to vs when he needs to actually respect Shane’s autonomy as an individual (and not an extension of Ilya or hockey) since no one else is going to. And it’s an impossible position to be in.
Above all he just loves his husband so much and he just wants shane to be happy. He’s left a hockey team for shane once before and he would do it again if he didn’t know that was the opposite of what shane wants. He’s going to be cordial with the team and a be a good captain, but he’s not doing that for the team or for himself. He’s doing that for shane. Bc shane wants to be on a winning team, and Ilya will do his best to give that to him.
you also brought up an excellent point (ilya feeling like he should've seen the signs) that I can't/won't really hit on in my writing (bc plot reasons yada yada) but it's SOOO important to remember that ilya is internalizing all of this just as much as Shane is. mr. macho protector man feels like as much of a failure as Shane does.
By and large your interpretation of ct!ilya and his place in the narrative is very well done and pretty much entirely in line with what I was envisioning :) plus I always encourage people to interpret my writing however they see fit, even if I don't understand why/what they're seeing LOL
Ok I’m back with more thoughts & defense of ct!ilya bc I’m home from work and can now cite the Text. I think the most integral thing people forget about ct!ilya is the information imbalance. There is a lot he is not working with! He doesn’t know about Harris and the rookie and other players calling Shane selfish and mocking him for being depressed and being upset he spends time with his husband (but shane did hear this!!!!!!). He doesn’t know that every time he chooses to spend time with Shane over the team, the team resents shane for it. He doesn’t know that LaPointe called Shane annoying and neurotic (after learning about what he had been through!). He doesn’t know Troy (his best friend!) regularly called Shane slurs, then didn’t apologize, then had the audacity to be upset Shane didn’t trust him and was scared to come out as if he wasn’t one of the reasons he was scared to come out, and constantly made snide comments to Shane’s face, even after he thought Shane might be suicidal!!!!!!!!! (have I mentioned I hate ct!troy… I have personal beef with that man…). He doesn’t know until the very end that the team blames shane for Ilya not coming out (that they have been punishing shane for Ilya’s depression!!). Once he finds that out, he immediately course corrects. Having any of the other info would have also made him act very differently! But the team actively changed their behavior around Ilya + Shane repeatedly told Ilya he was fine and got upset if Ilya tried to intervene. Shane was actively hiding his feelings from Ilya, no matter how much Ilya pried. Ilya can’t be blamed for that
ALSO, not so much a defense as an explanation, (I’ve talked about this ad nauseam on my account but whatever) but in canon and in ct, Ilya will never fully understand Shane’s experiences as one of the only Asian players in the league. He doesn’t know what it’s like for Shane does who not have the same sexual history Ilya does so he has to deal with more homophobia, long before he’s out. And he has no idea what it’s like to be autistic. Like shane is fighting an uphill battle socially in the hockey world his entire life. He has to earn basic respect from fellow players that is simply a given for Ilya. Ilya cannot understand why shane puts up with all of this and assumes it’s just a lack of self-respect, not realizing this is all shane has ever known! It’s what shane has always had to accept if he wants to play hockey. Ilya is so in awe of and in love with shane that it makes him oblivious for the pure contempt many people have for him as an outsider. Ilya thinks the issues are much simpler than they actually are. What he views as jealousy or misunderstandings relate to racism and homophobia and ableism that Ilya is ignorant of—especially when it comes from people he views as good ppl (although in defense of the centaurs, I think it’s mostly ableism, not racism and homophobia at play). He doesn’t realize these are not personal problems shane can fix by standing up for himself, but structural inequalities that are pervasive to Shane’s entire life. Shane doesn’t really understand either (he just think there’s something innately wrong with him and these are problems that can’t be fixed) and neither do the perpetrators (people rarely think they are bigoted; it’s just that shane is weird/different/“selfish”/“neurotic”). So nobody is going to get to the root issue because it’s a massive blind spot they all have! And Ilya is trying his best but there’s so much info he doesn’t have and ahhhhhhhhh
We talk a lot about Shane’s oral fixation, but I also want to talk about how distracting Ilya finds it. Shane will be chewing on a straw or the string of his hoodie while he’s talking and Ilya’s just like mmhm, yeah…right right…hahaha until finally Shane’s like, 😡 Ilya are you even listening?
Hiiii I just wanna say I’ve reread cardiac tamponade at least three times and it always hits so thank you for writing!! I am curious if you have any thoughts on how Ilya interacts with the team after the events of cardiac tamponade? Like how is he balancing his preexisting friendships and duties as captain vs love for shane? It’s just so hard to fathom how he can be chill with them after all of this, but also shane would be so mad if he jeopardized the team in any way, and I just don’t know what he could do! I made up a happy ending for myself where shane befriends the WAGs but thinking about Ilya’s role is just really getting to me. Is he more guilty or angry or forgiving or ???? I just think of how heartbroken he must be realizing he didn’t protect shane + lied that the team would be good + shane thinks he deserves to be treated this way. How do you forgive people who just wanted to help you and how do you avenge someone who thinks they deserved to be hurt? Sorry to be insane in your inbox, I just feel a lot about this fic lol. Pls ignore if this is an obnoxious ask, I am just always thinking about this fic and would love to hear any thoughts you’re willing to share :)
hi!!! thank you so much, I'm glad you liked CT so much <33 (and believe me, this isn't obnoxious at all -- I loooove talking about my writing as much as any other author LOL)
That's a great question and it's something I've thought about a lot as I'm writing the sequel lol. you hit on all of the conflict points: he's stuck between being a professional with his team and husband, and being a husband to Shane first and foremost, because what the cens did was deeply unprofessional, but at the same time, shane doesn't see it as unprofessional andddd it's all evil and confusing.
I will say that I think, with how CT ended, he's going to double down on the "I'm your husband before I'm your teammate" statement as often as he can. So not necessarily in the rink itself, but in the locker room before and after, team events off of the ice, the BTS of media days, etc etc. Spoilers-not-spoilers, he HAS to maintain a level of cordiality that you see externally in the sequel's beginning, but his internal dialogue is very . upset and angry with the team. he's at odds with his own desires here.
To put that more clearly, I am confident he is not forgiving about this. Shane said that Ilya's forgiving and he's not wrong necessarily, because Ilya's definitely more forgiving than Shane lol, but he also sees Shane and his happiness as his responsilibty, so along with guilt, he's genuinely bitter over what the Cens did, even if he doesn't think they're bad people (he understands what they thought and why, but he doesn't understand why they did what they did). But despite that, he still trusts them with the hockey of it all, even if he doesn't trust them with himself or Shane anymore; so again, it comes down to a professional vs. personal conflict, and I think he's compartmentalized enough historically to be able to manage that, even if he's not happy about it.
As for how he handles Shane's whole... yeah... I think he's going to take a more active role. People had lots of issue with Ilya being passive/not arguing against what Shane said about handling the team, but I sincerely think that at a time like this, where Ilya thinks he has everything he wanted, he really would be relaxed enough to let Shane lead in these regards (plus, he consistently deferred to Shane in tlg on the handling of their public image so...) -- I think the disparity between people's understanding of Ilya and what I wrote comes down to the implementation of a D/s dynamic. I did not, in fact, write in a D/s dynamic at all, but because that's such a pervasive lens to view their relationship through (not that that's a bad thing, I think a story with erotic elements SHOULD be analyzed through an erotic lens in a lot of cases) it kinda skews people's understanding of their non-sexual relationship. SHANE is the one leading it, both out of a mix of his paranoia and Ilya's pathological need to make people happy, but the fact of the matter is that he's the leader in their public interactions for the most part.
^ all that to say, he's definitely going to take on more of an argumentative role in the sequel, since Mr. Hollander still isn't going to therapy LOL. I don't think he's doing it through an intentionally avenging mindset, but his personal treatment of the team (inviting them over, doing things for them, etc.) will reflect that a little. He might (not definitively saying this) force the team to act more like what he and Shane expected, even if it's just through his influence LOL.
Ilya was a tough character to write and involve in CT because of his passivity, but you're so right, his role in it all is so integral. Please please please give me your thoughts on him, I'm sooo fascinated by everyone's anger/appreciation for him. it's so interesting
Since you asked for my thoughts on Ilya… I thought a lot of commenters were too harsh on him! He was kind of like Shane in TLG. Yes ideally he would pry and wouldn’t back off when Shane said everything was fine and would have gotten to the root issue… but you also can’t be upset with someone for believing their partner when they say they are fine. Shane repeatedly told him he was fine (just like Ilya in TLG) and was just respecting Shane’s requests when he backed off. Like I am very sad and protective of shane but also he’s a grown man!
But I think the fact Ilya went through this himself and has gone to therapy makes this extra painful and juicy. He feels like he should have seen the signs. He should have known shane wouldn’t be upfront about his depression when he wouldn’t. And he’s the one who has been to therapy and knows how to healthily deal with this but he didn’t do that for his man! And the truth is bc he didn’t want Shane to be depressed. Everything was finally going perfect - he was meshing with his team and he had friends and family and finally had shane with him. He’s not going to go searching for problems. Which is very reasonable. But to him probably feels like a moral failing. He feels like he was selfish (and maybe he was, but he was just being human).
He’s also soooo torn about respecting Shane’s boundaries vs doing what he thinks is right. Bc shane has shown he will not prioritize himself. And that he thinks he deserves to be mistreated. And Ilya is not down with that! So he has to figure out when to put his foot down and prioritize shane when no one else is going to vs when he needs to actually respect Shane’s autonomy as an individual (and not an extension of Ilya or hockey) since no one else is going to. And it’s an impossible position to be in.
Above all he just loves his husband so much and he just wants shane to be happy. He’s left a hockey team for shane once before and he would do it again if he didn’t know that was the opposite of what shane wants. He’s going to be cordial with the team and a be a good captain, but he’s not doing that for the team or for himself. He’s doing that for shane. Bc shane wants to be on a winning team, and Ilya will do his best to give that to him.
you also brought up an excellent point (ilya feeling like he should've seen the signs) that I can't/won't really hit on in my writing (bc plot reasons yada yada) but it's SOOO important to remember that ilya is internalizing all of this just as much as Shane is. mr. macho protector man feels like as much of a failure as Shane does.
By and large your interpretation of ct!ilya and his place in the narrative is very well done and pretty much entirely in line with what I was envisioning :) plus I always encourage people to interpret my writing however they see fit, even if I don't understand why/what they're seeing LOL
Hiiii I just wanna say I’ve reread cardiac tamponade at least three times and it always hits so thank you for writing!! I am curious if you have any thoughts on how Ilya interacts with the team after the events of cardiac tamponade? Like how is he balancing his preexisting friendships and duties as captain vs love for shane? It’s just so hard to fathom how he can be chill with them after all of this, but also shane would be so mad if he jeopardized the team in any way, and I just don’t know what he could do! I made up a happy ending for myself where shane befriends the WAGs but thinking about Ilya’s role is just really getting to me. Is he more guilty or angry or forgiving or ???? I just think of how heartbroken he must be realizing he didn’t protect shane + lied that the team would be good + shane thinks he deserves to be treated this way. How do you forgive people who just wanted to help you and how do you avenge someone who thinks they deserved to be hurt? Sorry to be insane in your inbox, I just feel a lot about this fic lol. Pls ignore if this is an obnoxious ask, I am just always thinking about this fic and would love to hear any thoughts you’re willing to share :)
hi!!! thank you so much, I'm glad you liked CT so much <33 (and believe me, this isn't obnoxious at all -- I loooove talking about my writing as much as any other author LOL)
That's a great question and it's something I've thought about a lot as I'm writing the sequel lol. you hit on all of the conflict points: he's stuck between being a professional with his team and husband, and being a husband to Shane first and foremost, because what the cens did was deeply unprofessional, but at the same time, shane doesn't see it as unprofessional andddd it's all evil and confusing.
I will say that I think, with how CT ended, he's going to double down on the "I'm your husband before I'm your teammate" statement as often as he can. So not necessarily in the rink itself, but in the locker room before and after, team events off of the ice, the BTS of media days, etc etc. Spoilers-not-spoilers, he HAS to maintain a level of cordiality that you see externally in the sequel's beginning, but his internal dialogue is very . upset and angry with the team. he's at odds with his own desires here.
To put that more clearly, I am confident he is not forgiving about this. Shane said that Ilya's forgiving and he's not wrong necessarily, because Ilya's definitely more forgiving than Shane lol, but he also sees Shane and his happiness as his responsilibty, so along with guilt, he's genuinely bitter over what the Cens did, even if he doesn't think they're bad people (he understands what they thought and why, but he doesn't understand why they did what they did). But despite that, he still trusts them with the hockey of it all, even if he doesn't trust them with himself or Shane anymore; so again, it comes down to a professional vs. personal conflict, and I think he's compartmentalized enough historically to be able to manage that, even if he's not happy about it.
As for how he handles Shane's whole... yeah... I think he's going to take a more active role. People had lots of issue with Ilya being passive/not arguing against what Shane said about handling the team, but I sincerely think that at a time like this, where Ilya thinks he has everything he wanted, he really would be relaxed enough to let Shane lead in these regards (plus, he consistently deferred to Shane in tlg on the handling of their public image so...) -- I think the disparity between people's understanding of Ilya and what I wrote comes down to the implementation of a D/s dynamic. I did not, in fact, write in a D/s dynamic at all, but because that's such a pervasive lens to view their relationship through (not that that's a bad thing, I think a story with erotic elements SHOULD be analyzed through an erotic lens in a lot of cases) it kinda skews people's understanding of their non-sexual relationship. SHANE is the one leading it, both out of a mix of his paranoia and Ilya's pathological need to make people happy, but the fact of the matter is that he's the leader in their public interactions for the most part.
^ all that to say, he's definitely going to take on more of an argumentative role in the sequel, since Mr. Hollander still isn't going to therapy LOL. I don't think he's doing it through an intentionally avenging mindset, but his personal treatment of the team (inviting them over, doing things for them, etc.) will reflect that a little. He might (not definitively saying this) force the team to act more like what he and Shane expected, even if it's just through his influence LOL.
Ilya was a tough character to write and involve in CT because of his passivity, but you're so right, his role in it all is so integral. Please please please give me your thoughts on him, I'm sooo fascinated by everyone's anger/appreciation for him. it's so interesting
Since you asked for my thoughts on Ilya… I thought a lot of commenters were too harsh on him! He was kind of like Shane in TLG. Yes ideally he would pry and wouldn’t back off when Shane said everything was fine and would have gotten to the root issue… but you also can’t be upset with someone for believing their partner when they say they are fine. Shane repeatedly told him he was fine (just like Ilya in TLG) and was just respecting Shane’s requests when he backed off. Like I am very sad and protective of shane but also he’s a grown man!
But I think the fact Ilya went through this himself and has gone to therapy makes this extra painful and juicy. He feels like he should have seen the signs. He should have known shane wouldn’t be upfront about his depression when he wouldn’t. And he’s the one who has been to therapy and knows how to healthily deal with this but he didn’t do that for his man! And the truth is bc he didn’t want Shane to be depressed. Everything was finally going perfect - he was meshing with his team and he had friends and family and finally had shane with him. He’s not going to go searching for problems. Which is very reasonable. But to him probably feels like a moral failing. He feels like he was selfish (and maybe he was, but he was just being human).
He’s also soooo torn about respecting Shane’s boundaries vs doing what he thinks is right. Bc shane has shown he will not prioritize himself. And that he thinks he deserves to be mistreated. And Ilya is not down with that! So he has to figure out when to put his foot down and prioritize shane when no one else is going to vs when he needs to actually respect Shane’s autonomy as an individual (and not an extension of Ilya or hockey) since no one else is going to. And it’s an impossible position to be in.
Above all he just loves his husband so much and he just wants shane to be happy. He’s left a hockey team for shane once before and he would do it again if he didn’t know that was the opposite of what shane wants. He’s going to be cordial with the team and a be a good captain, but he’s not doing that for the team or for himself. He’s doing that for shane. Bc shane wants to be on a winning team, and Ilya will do his best to give that to him.
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If you are upset about creators using gen-AI, I think one of the best things you can do (besides making your own non-AI works) is try to genuinely interact with fanwork creators on a human level. What i mean is: leaving comments with specific things you like; reblog with tags you think will make OP smile; tag creators in rec lists or leave them a comment letting them know you talk about their fic with your friends; send messages to creators to start dialogue about the characters you both love. When you are leaving a comment that only says “UPDATE!!!” you are treating the creator more like a content farm than a human being. When you only ever talk about fics you like in private, you’re excluding the creators from the most fun part of fandom. When you only ever leave kudos instead of comments, writers start to feel more like they are posting on social media than sharing with their friends. You do not have to ever create to still be an integral part of fandom, but you do have to interact. Fandom is supposed to be a community. If you want to keep getting human-created work, you need to treat the creators like real humans.
I just can’t even understand using AI to write fic. I can’t. Fic is entirely optional. I write it for the joy of writing it, not just to slapdash post a finished product. And the finished product is only satisfying because I wrote it! Me! Not a robot!!
I have a lot of weird and bad feelings rn but ultimately the thing I can say most succinctly is that art without humanity isn’t art. And the struggle of writing, smoothing over road blocks, filling in plot holes, fiddling with the sentences you can’t quite nail have always been the point. That. Not the shiny product and kudos at the end. The process is the point. The love you have for the characters and the craft is the point! Without it, why are we even here?
generative ai is objectively bad and causes widespread harm. it has a terrible impact on the environment and on humanity. it is regularly used as a tool of fascism and i hope it dies
much of the joy of fanfiction is that it’s written by a fellow human being who likes the same media as you and has put effort and time and their lived experience into their work
ai tells absolutely exist but ultimately some fics are going to look like they’re ai generated because ai was trained on human writing. this will only become more of a problem as ai writing becomes more ‘humanlike’ and human writing is inevitably influenced by the vast amounts of ai writing we’re exposed to
statements such as ‘this fic was obviously ai because of how shit and badly written this section is’ and ‘you can tell when a fic doesn’t use ai because it’s actually good’ are distasteful and will discourage real human writers from sharing their work
there are people who enjoy yelling at others and hunting people down for whom ai has become a convenient justification for their bullying
while you can think any ai use at all is unacceptable, there is a difference between e.g. a fully ai generated fic and one where ai has been used to correct the grammar of one paragraph
i don’t want to read ai generated fics at all but ultimately i would rather read 100 fics of which 5 were written using ai in some form than read 0 fics because people are so petrified of being accused of ai use that they stop sharing their work and/or stop creating altogether
Shane getting cursed with an Ella Enchanted style obedience curse and everyone’s horrified and tries not to order him around especially Ilya and Shane’s happy because Ilya’s being so considerate and he cares and everyone cares about him so so much except. Now he has no idea what to do because everyone is deferring to him, which never used to happen because truthfully he doesn’t like being the one in charge and he doesn’t like having to make his own decisions and in a weird way, when he first got cursed his primary emotion was actually relief because it meant he would finally be capable of doing exactly what everyone wanted of him— and now he has no idea what anyone wants and the only real thing he wants is for someone to tell him what to do
Or alternatively: Shane gets cursed with an Ella Enchanted style obedience curse and his teammates and parents are appropriately horrified. They make an effort to stop ordering him around, defer to him, force him to make every decision for himself, and it would drive him crazy except that Ilya doesn’t change at all.
Shane comes home from the curse breaker, dejected, tells Ilya that there’s no quick fix and he just has to wait out the four months before the curse runs out. He braces for the frown and carefully worded questions, but then Ilya says: get on your knees. Shane hits the floor before he even fully processes it. Ilya says: crawl to me. Shane does, because he has to, because he doesn’t get to decide, not when he’s like this and maybe never, when he’s with Ilya. When he reaches Ilya’s feet, Ilya tilts up his chin with a finger, looks at him appraisingly, with cold eyes. Then, smirking, he says: ah, so, not much has changed, then. You still do what you are told, no? What I tell you to do?
And this whole time, there’s been something, something in the pit of Shane’s stomach, tense and painful like knotted muscle, that Ilya apparently knows how to press on exactly right. Ilya tells him just what to do, even though Shane has no choice but to listen, even though he can’t say no, and he knows it’s true, then, that nothing has really changed at all; the knot loosens, goes entirely slack
so i hauve covid rn and i must say, American cold medicine is the absolute bees knees. You go to a UK pharmacy and they tenderly press like eight (8) paracetamol into the palm of your hand... God FORBID you're sick in France, i had to scour every pharmacy in Paris for something that wasn't HOMEOPATHIC PASTILLES. meanwhile last night i took the last of my stash of Nyquil that expired in 2019 and it was like getting hit by a fucking baseball bat (affectionate). press X to timeskip. LOVE me a cheeky little medically induced coma. you can really feel that it's a precursor to meth. i know that everything is fucking awful over there my friedns and my heart goes out to every one of you but if you need one small bright light of national pride in this time of strife please know that i envy you your cold medicine every day
i once took an american antihistamine pill just a basic one for seasonal allergies and i had to immediately lay down and while doing so i vividly hallucinated that i was a steerage passenger on the titanic resigned to my death as my cabin filled up rapidly with water. then i blacked out and when i woke up again my allergies were gone for the entire season.
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I love humanity way more than I hate gen AI. Humans make choices they regret for all kinds of reasons. If you’ve used gen AI in your fan works and are down to move forward without it now, there is a place for you in this fandom and I’m glad you’re here.
there have been many times in my life when I’ve done something I regret that was motivated by a need for belonging, fear of rejection, desire for connection, the search for a place of esteem among peers, etc, including in fandom spaces. It’s painful to see other people getting quantifiable, concrete evidence that they’re wanted and appreciated and seen (notes, kudos, comments, bookmarks, subscriptions, replies, asks) while you get less. No matter how much we tell ourselves that engagement metrics don’t correlate to worth or belonging, they wouldn’t be part of the platforms we use if they didn’t have a psychological effect on us. Humans fuck up for the same reasons we make art and build communities and having the impulse to get your needs met doesn’t make you different or other
