The Other Space

How do I express the thoughts in my mind for others to understand? Sometimes in my mind, the thoughts I experience are jumbled. Not clear. I take my time to choose the words carefully to express so that what I say is what I intend to express. If I just speak without thinking, it comes out incoherent because it sounds like you're hearing a part of my thought and not the beginning, middle or end. I think that's why I enjoy listening to music because songs can express more than the words we say. I also enjoy writing - at least like this- I just let my thoughts come out unfiltered. Other times - when I paint - it's a nice break from restriction or rather management of self. Just a creative space to explore. Maybe that's why I'm in a rabbit hole with BTS lately. I'm not sure where I heard this song "Swim" - BTS. I know Chase Atlantic also has a song that is titled "Swim" as well. The beat for BTS's song is extra catchy. Anyhow, my social media algorithm has been ARMY coded and I've done some deep dive on the men from BTS and how they come about creating their songs. I read a synopsis of what this song symbolizes. Apparently there is a double meaning to the song. One meaning explores it as what it sounds like - a love song. Another meaning explores something deeper- navigating life and its challenges. Funny thing is - I really enjoy swimming. Easy on the joints. It feels great to float. The sensation of water around me makes it feel light. Hmm maybe I need to go for a swim soon. It's been a while. I started a painting recently. I'm very excited to see where it goes and how it shapes out. I have had an idea for this painting for a bit. I'm very much a beginner so I don't know if my vision will meet execution. I'm okay with that. As long as paintbrush to canvas can capture the essence of what I'm trying to convey I'm happy.

I just discovered this cover yesterday. The original by Sombr is great. What I like about this version is the depth in emotion of the way it is sung by Sir.

This past weekend I got to spend time with my girlfriends. People I don't get to see often because of distance, time and life circumstances, but when I do, are the most cherished. Spending time with them reminded me of the love I have in my life and the wonderful glimpse when my mind gets quiet enough to experience the present. Throughout the years, when my luck in romantic love does not pan out, they have been there for me. Some new, and some old friends. The level depth of them being there for me also grew with time. You can say about 20 years ago, I wasn't exactly vulnerable and forthcoming of my inner world. As a matter of fact, I've only started to open up more these past 10 years. If you asked me 10 years ago, if I knew who I was and if I loved myself - you would have gotten two different answers. I knew who I was and my love for myself was fragmented. Then came mirrors in the form of romantic relationships that shined down on the deep well of darkness that seem to exist within me. With each romantic relationship, I took lessons learned and made sure to apply them to the next so that I would somehow be prepared for the usual conflicts that occur. I took time to build the love I have for myself, become more self aware of my patterns, read books on how to be the best version of me for a relationship. I thought if I learned to do everything right, the relationship I was in would succeed. What I didn't learn in that time was to simply experience the person in front of me; without all the relationship theories and knowledge. Just the whole person, their strengths and flaws, their patterns, their behaviors and their humanity. I've always been good at looking for reasons why someone are the way they are. In that time - I realize the love I built for myself, although present, was put to the side for the relationship. It wasn't that I didn't express my needs or learned to compromise. I did. I had put the relationship on a pedestal that it slowly started to erase myself. I had put the relationship at the forefront instead of the person in front of me. I know now that I wanted a relationship to work out so badly that I didn't see when the person in front of me did not have the capacity to meet my needs in the way I need. People say that when you are in a long term committed relationship with someone- you choose to love them, flaws and all. I don't disagree. As a matter of fact, I, too, believe that you choose to love someone and continue to do so. What I have come to learn to add is that we can't just choose anyone to love - we choose the one that is best fit for us. Not a perfect person, but a person whose characteristics/traits, values, demeanor, best fit either person's needs. We can only accommodate or compromise so much to meet the other person's needs before erasing who we are in the process. To know ourselves deeply and not be afraid of what we see is how we learn to love others the same. It is okay that the love we have for ourselves deeply may not include the person in front of us in our immediate future.

Him: What are you taking a photo of?

Me: People.

Low-key I get this sounds kind of creepy. LOL With today's climate and culture, I am also cognizant of people not liking their picture taken or recorded. This makes me think about street photography as an art form. In my eyes, street photography is about the moment, the feeling, when things line up just right and you aim to capture the essence of that moment. In some street photography, you see people and I question how many of those people are aware their photo is being taken.

I think I gravitate towards "street photography" or rather simple moments that I find beauty in. Small unassuming moments. I enjoy grand picturesque photos/moments. Deep down, I value the more intimate moments. In the above photo, one can see that it's people going on a walk. For me, it's a little more than that. It's two people sharing a moment in time enjoying the scenery, each other's company with the back drop of nature.

He asked me why buy a camera. I was taken back because I never really thought about it. I appreciate the question because it made me reflect on my why. Turns out a part of my reason why was a bit deeper than I realized. Wanting to connect to a passion my father enjoyed - someone I have a complicated dynamic with. To see what he saw - why he enjoyed or rather chose this over family and I can see why. I'm not saying it's right, but I can see why. Mix with a previous connection who showed me a different way to looking at photography and my own personal preference for the color science of my Fujifilm is why I bought one. Life is art. And people can lose themselves in art - being in their own world instead of being in the world with everyone else. I, myself can lose myself in it, and perhaps because I know this, I also choose not to get so lost in it because I want to be present for the people I love and care about even if it's something I struggle with.

The irony of it all. I hadn’t used this tumblr in ages and didn’t realize I had one post up and another one pending. It’s amazing to see a moment in time captured.

On March 11, 2019, I decided to take a vow of silence and be off social media. Which really means IG because I’m not really on any other platforms. I told my friends, family and co-workers that I would partake in this vow until Easter. One friend suggested I document and blog about this. Something I had not thought about or intended to do. Some people asked why. Others were intrigued. I am sure some may have thought, “Oh jeebus, Diana is off her rocker”. I remembered a while back Emma Watson had partaken in this vow. I thought she was crazy then, but the idea, nonetheless, intrigued me. Little did I know, years later, I would give it a try.

The funny thing is, the weekend I had decided to take this vow- had been a very personally fulfilling weekend. I took a day off from work to take myself out on a “date” to LA. I didn’t really have anything planned except go to the art museum, Wanderlust Creamery for their infamous “White Rabbit” flavor featured on IG and spend time with my daughter, Emery. The brunch and the bouquet to myself was something I stumbled upon. That same weekend, I attempted to make Pho Bo. My first time. When I was growing up, Pho, was actually my favorite soup dish. My mom had told me that when she was pregnant with me, she ate it every week. Making that pot of Pho might seem insignificant to others, but it meant the world to me. I was able to make it with my mom by my side. I had told her I wanted to do it on my own without her help. And even though the flavor profile wasn’t restaurant quality, I was happy with what I got for my first time. I made that pot of Pho with as much love as I could give. That Sunday, I went on a hike with a girlfriend. It was slightly overcast. The hike had some steep hills, but the scenery was beautiful. I ended that weekend on an overall good note. Yet, that Monday, as I was talking to another girlfriend- I felt this internal need to discover more within myself. For some reason, I felt like I had been so expressive lately that I wasn’t listening as well as I would have liked. I looked up the vow of silence to see how others have done it and modified it to my needs. I wanted to be a better listener and more present, but most of all, I was curious to see what I would learn during this time of silence.

Here is what I’ve learned:

1. Focus. I became intensely focused and present. I’m a big lover of music and podcasts. I discovered that listening to music/podcasts during my work day had become routine and was mental noise. Imagine my surprise when I decided to play some music like I normally do and it felt “loud”. It allowed me to observe everything even more intensely. Even my own thoughts.

2. Speaking is a gift. More often than not, we speak to express. The ability to express ourselves with verbal words is a beautiful thing. Words, believe it or not, become gold. People say words don’t hurt and to a point, yes, but you also learn the powerful impact of words can have.

3. It creates a sense of intimacy. Since I couldn’t speak, I had to interact with non-verbal cues. A smile, a nod, eye- contact. Body language becomes 10x louder without the use of words.

4. Some people just want to be heard. I realize I like to “fix” things. Or bring some type of harmonious moment

I never really understood the concept of time. Growing up, I understood that we had to use it to communicate a length of period to someone, or to name something out loud. As a concept, it was more of an accepted fact of society.

Then as years go by and I grow up from a toddler to adolescent to teen to adult - the phrases that go with it. Time is money. Not enough time. Time lost is something we can't get back. We don't have forever. The value of time even in a financial aspect tells us that the more time we have the more time for growth and opportunity. Time is finite when time itself is not. How contradictory.

I go back and forth with thinking that I have time on this earth and other times I am reminded that I don't have a lot of time to squander. Which brings me to my next thought that I have been musing over lately regarding connections with people.

Human connections are so complex and nuance and probably something I will never completely understand. People have said to experience life and not be in my head so much. I even have a tattoo on my wrist to remind me to "Live Life".

Lately life has brought to my world a connection that I'm not sure how to categorize which to be honest, I don't know if I want to. At the beginning - I did because it is how I usually operate and now I'm trying something new to help me grow and transform who I am to a more healthier, loving version of me, not the one that had to survive her circumstances. In this connection, it has given me the gift of time to explore and practice regulating my nervous system. In the past, I thought I dealt with my feelings as they came up. I was able to logically tell myself what I was feeling and how I could reframe it. I never truly felt them. I thought I did because of how intense the emotions are within me, but I never sat and be with them like a friend would. During this time, I've been able to sit with uncertainty and not knowing. Even in connection labeled as friendships - I had never expressed my uncomfortable feelings and chose to deal with them myself. As time goes by, I have learned that true intimacy and connection requires us to continuously show up as true selves for others to see. No matter how vulnerable because that is where the soil is for the foundation of a deep, loving, and real connection is. I think this also asks us to learn the skill of discernment of where we put our energy towards. In the past, I followed the rule of showing others who I am without regard for discernment on whether that energy was being reciprocated or not. In reality, I still kind of do, however, I'm slowly learning to save some of that energy for myself and my own self care, for my own needs, desires, wants and goals. It's not that I haven't done it before - I have. I think now it's incorporating the reality is that old patterns die hard. No matter how many times you think you have "solved" this problem - it's really the old patterns/behaviors that pop up slowly and quietly that we need to be mindful of.

Maybe this stage of my life isn't about romanticizing my self discovery and more about acknowledging and accepting the truth of who I am and being rooted in reality.

I would like to say that I've been away relaxing beachside, but sadly that is not the case.

Truthfully, I've been feeling depressed lately. Feelings of sadness, and tired isn't new to me. It's always ever present in my life with varying degree of depth. Lately, the moments where it has a grip on me has been growing stronger. So many thoughts rush through my mind and yet I feel like I can't express them. I feel expressively constipated. Things that used to bring me joy- don't have the shine like they used to. I edited some photos from my Vietnam trip (I'll share those photos one day) and started decorating for Christmas (don't come for me lol. Yes I am one of those people). While I was performing these actions, it felt nice for a split second and just as it came on, it quickly went away. Writing has been a form of therapy for me. Same as painting, but somehow it doesn't feel the same. I feel numb. I'm looking at the small christmas tree I bought and noticing the ornaments. lights and branches, how they all interact with one another. Even writing those few words feel cold. I was watching a reel on Instagram of a spoken poetry piece from a writer which then lead me to a Substack article of another writer I used to follow. In that moment, it sparked a little flame inside to write again. Even as I type these words onto this blog, I have many intrusive thoughts running through my mind.

My writing sucks. It's nothing like theirs and how they use imagery in their words. I used to be able to do that. Where has my ability gone?

i've reached out to my sister, but I'm angry, she hasn't responded. Even if I know her mental capacity isn't available. i hate chasing after people. I hate having to tell people I'm struggling. Why can't they see it? Am I a good friend? Sister? Do I need to do more so that I have relationships with people that are deeper?

Why can't I fit in? Why do I feel so abnormal from others? I've been told I'm easy to talk to then why don't I have people talking to me? Am I not fun? Am I so hard to be around? Why do I have to be so different?

Some days I wish my mind would stop and be quiet for a moment. The usual- go for a walk, exercise, sleep, eat and hydrate well, are things to help alleviate they symptoms of depression. I think the biggest frustration is when people who don't typically experience these feelings of lowness say to just do it. If I make my bed and brush my teeth, that's a good day. This doesn't include having to be "on" and functioning for work. I know it's getting more unmanageable when I feel it at work too. When being "on" is not an option anymore.

I haven't spoken about my faith on this blog- I have maybe alluded to it or speak about it in terms of spirituality and not completely defined. i don't know if I'll ever definitively define it in a religion sense.

What I'm trying to say is- I've been praying again. I grew up going to the Catholic church. It was my normal every Sunday. I did notice I didn't attend bible school like the other kids when I was younger because my mom couldn't afford it. No clue how to become an altar girl even though I asked the priest if I could become one once. He was kind and said sure. I don't think he had the time to tell me who to talk to and I didn't know either because I was so young doing my mother's bidding because she couldn't converse in English. What I do remember as my favorite part of mass were the readings. Not that I understood what was written, but it was because I love to read. Anyhow, I remember my first time praying. I used to get really bad tummy aches as a young girl and I remember during one of those children bible study during mass was that if you ever needed help, you could ask God. In my simple young mind, that's what I did. I asked for help with my tummy. It worked..I think because I continued until I progressed to nighttime prayer. It started off transactional until it wasn't. I reealized I could ask for help for others and I began to do that. Prayer to me has always been this conversation with God- nothing too formal and I think that's how I prefer it even when I see the positive of doing a "formal" prayer. Perhaps that's why I write the way I do- it's a conversation. Doesn't have to be grammatically correct or I don't have use beautiful syntax to paint an image for the reader. I just want to express my thoughts unfiltered.

A while back, I posted a question. "In order to live a full life, is there a requirement to experience the depth of it?" To be honest, at the time, I wasn't so sure. My mind starts to wander and consider if a person was to live life and not reflect, would the person know the difference of what a full life is or was?

If a person was to live life only in color like the image on the left, will they know that a life in grayscale like the image on the right exists? We have the ability to see that there are two images because we're looking in from the outside. If we were those images, I'm not sure we would know.

My life started in color, or at least I thought it did. It wasn't until I got older that I realized the life I was living was in grayscale. It went on for so long, it was normal to me. It was so black and white that I forgot what living life in color felt like or even was. I think grayscale at times can be viewed as not as beautiful as color. In some way it is and in some ways it isn't.

I like to describe depression as looking at the life we live as being grayscale. How can one add color if the life we experience are just different shades of gray? I think the hardest part for a person experiencing depression isn't adding color to the life he/she experience. It's remembering that color does exist.

How many of us struggle to live one day at a time? To be completely present in the moment with little to no thoughts entering our minds as we experience life? For my fellow anxious/depressed prone people, I see you.

When people say mindset matters- it really does. Our lives are a testatment to it. How do I describe my life lately? Moving? Flowing? I like to think our ability to reflect is a gift. It can also be harmful if we reflect to the point that we live in the past.

This past week, I attended a wedding with my boyfriend. I got to meet his family and to see where he grew up. At surface level, it’s something we get to experience in our lives at some point. What stood out to me is being able to reflect and see the different experiences we all have as humans. On the deeper level, I can see how his experiences shape who he is. Not everyone grows up with heavy trauma- we’re all affected differently. Not everyone has the same support system or guidance in their lives. It leaves me with the reminder that we all should be kind to one another and reserve our personal bias/judgement aside. We truly do not know how other people have experience their life. What one family does, another family may not do or have thought to do. We live in a community, but yet there is this desire to be autonomous from that community. Maybe the best practice is to practice interdependence.

There are varying opinions on how to live a content, peaceful and happy life. I used to think there was a formula to life. Like it was mathematical equation that could be solved. You can’t. One of the hardest, but necessary things to do in life is to be able to hold differing feelings/thoughts at the same time. How often do we hear we need to feel our feelings? It really is that simple and not so simple. Nuanced by our personal nature on how we perceive and experience life. These days, I just want to live life. Of course, I desire a content, peaceful and happy life and perform actions that help me towards that kind of life. I also just want to experience life no matter how scary that can be.

Being grateful helps, but I think being curious is better. It means we’re open and when we’re open, we are able to receive, perceive things differently than we normally do. My curiousity has helped improve how I live life. Being kind to myself when I find myself seeking perfectionism. Taking accountability for my actions and words while leaving room for the other to own their part in the interaction. Learning my own personal mental, emotional and physical boundaries and learning to respect that other people’s boundaries don’t have to look like mine. Having an honest conversation and taking time away to clear our minds.

I’m not sure if you know, but there is a sentiment on putting our phones down and being present in the moment is the best way to experience life. Some people record and take photos, while others don’t touch their phone at all to document the experience. Last night, I attended a concert at a small venue. There were people who recorded and took photos. I’m sure it would be great to look back on the memories when our minds are older and aren’t able to remember as clearly. I, along with some others, didn’t record nor take any photos while the performances were happening. It was beautiful to witness the presence of the moment shared by many others. We were there to enjoy the music. We were in a community of audiophiles, and yet we also had our autonomy to experience the music how we wished. Whether that was by documenting with our devices, under the influence of alcohol, sober or completely present overall. Everyone is different and we don’t know how they’re experiencing life at that moment. For all we know, as they document, they could very well be in the present moment. It just looks different from those of us who don’t.

I’ve been unable to log in to my Facebook for about over 4 years now. I didn’t remember my password. Now that I’m able to access it, I decided to scroll down my timeline to see all that I had missed. Took a trip down memory lane. You know how Facebook has those “share this memory from ___ years ago”- that was my memory lane. 

I got to a video from March 2017. It was when I went skydiving for my very first time. In 2016, I had a girlfriend who said she would want to go skydiving, but wouldn’t do it on her own because she was afraid. I bought her ticket that Christmas as a present. There was no way she could back out then. One thing you should know about the video is- the company shared it with you for a certain amount of time. If you did not save it, you will lose it. What did I do? I didn’t save it in time. I thought I had lost it. All that remained were photos.

To my surprise, the video remained on my Facebook post. With a little bit of ingenuity... okay okay.. some trial and error- I was able to “save” my video.

It is really intriguing to see yourself from 6 years ago and comparing it to the current you. Knowing what you know now in comparison to then and remembering what kind of headspace you were in has been a wonderful insight that has allowed me to give myself compassion.

One thing in the video that stood out was my conversation with my tandem skydiver, Mike. He asked me what the occassion was. I told him I wanted to live life and not be afraid.

I didn’t know then how true those words were. You know how people say, “Don’t think. Just do”. In that moment, the only thought that crossed my mind was, “Why do I want to do this?”. At the time, I was disappointed in myself that I didn’t have some grand speech or words to express. I see now how hard I was on myself. Sometimes, it’s just that simple. I’ve learned it doesn’t have to be grand or over the top. To be honest, as a Leo, I admit I am extra. It used to be a source of shame for me. I thought I had to be humble, demure, put together. In essence, perfect like those characters you see in movies, the heroes and heroines.  I could go on a tangent as to probably why I felt like I had to, but we can leave that for another day.

5 years ago, I was gifted a cross necklace for my birthday. It meant a lot to me. It stil does. For years, it was associated to a painful part of my life. Once I had taken it off, it felt like I was breaking free of what it symbolized. Through time, growth and endings- I’m able to wear it without the weight of the pain. The necklace represents what it was intended to symbolize: faith.

Some people say we are drawn to people because there is a lesson we have to experience. I think that was the beginning of my spiritual journey. I thought faith had to do with others. I learned it’s about me and my ability to trust something I can’t see. Maybe I was a bit too skeptical- I think it was deeper than that. Having faith in something requires ultimate trust. Being skeptical gave me the room to be “right”. Being right kept me safe and secure. It also kept me small.

Don’t underestimate the ability to be able to continue in uncomfortable situations. I think that is the ability to help us grow and stretch. Letting go of outcomes and control is a daily practice. I find that it’s easier to do so now- to flow. I am grateful for the connections I’ve encountered so far- even the not so great ones. 

Work has been really busy lately. It’s definitely starting to get to me, the burnout feeling.

Lately, I feel deeply at peace. I started “dating” again. Honestly, it’s more like exploring connections. My current experience in comparison to what my experience was in the past- I see a lot of growth, openess, discovery in my attitude towards the present experience. I’m really happy for me. Knowing I put in the inner work to be able to perceive things alternatively now.

“Balance” artwork credited to blogger. Replication/modification is not authorized.

I find linguistics to be an interesting subject. I think language overall is fascinating. Some of the thoughts that run through my mind:

Who created these words? Who decided to put a string of them together to create syntax? Why do we accept these rules and meanings as they are?

We use words such as “joy” to describe a feeling of pleasure and happiness per the Oxford Dictionary. I wonder if we ever contemplate what joy feels like. Not just using other words to describe joy. What does happiness and pleasure feel like within the body? What is it associated with? Do we as humans experience joy and happiness the same way within our bodies? What do people feel when they are spending time alone with themselves? Is there a sense of enjoyment? When I say feel, I mean the feelings within their bodies.

I’ve been busy with work lately. Couple that with the every day life tasks that we perform to exist in a society- I haven’t really had time to myself for enjoyment. If I’m not working, I’m doing things that help me move towards my goals. It was late last night when I had the urge to paint, but because it was so late, I opted to wake up early this morning before work to give myself that time. It was so needed. I think one of the best things I did was to invest in my own painting tools. (Easel, paintbrushes, paint, canvases, cart to hold all these items)

In that space, I was able to be. Not think or do. I originally started painting as a way to channel the strong emotions within me onto a medium- anything other than journaling, talking to a friend or loved one, walking and so on. It allowed me to express with no expectations. I purposely went into it with the idea of letting go. No control. I wasn’t going to force an image onto a canvas that had to look the way it did in my mind. I ended up with my first painting. I will say that the overall context of the painting came from a dream I had. If you’re into dream interpretations, and after some research aka google. I discovered that seeing the moon and the sun at the same time in my dream meant balance of the inner and outer world. Sometimes my dreams can be prophetic, or give some insight to what I am feeling deep inside. At that time in my life, I was in need of balance. Intuitively, it felt like my life was out of balance. As I started to paint and placed the sun and the moon onto my canvas, I began to feel centered and grounded. I didn’t complete the artwork in one sitting either. For a while, it was just the moon and the sun in the sky on the canvas. At some point I decided to add clouds. A couple of days later, some stars. I found myself fixating on the way the clouds looked because they didn’t look like the clouds I see elsewhere. I noticed this and relaxed into it, letting go of the feeling of it being perfect.

If you asked about my practice of letting go, it’s something I struggle with. It feels good to see that the act of painting gave me an opportunity to practice. I think my artwork has also allowed me to have something that was just mine to be proud of. To not share with others for a sense of validation because I’m giving that to myself. I’m sharing it here under the guise of anonymity. I also don’t know if I have readers or not.

I’ve been told from a good amount of people that I am very thoughtful or considerate. Usually when a person hears this- one would take it as a compliment. It used to be a source of my pride. Now I wonder if that trait can be a double edged sword.

People say that one should fill your own cup first before filling others. I wonder if I reframed it for myself what that would look like? What actions would I take for myself to show that I am thoughtful to her as well? And when an action that I take is perceived to be not thoughtful, where does that leave me?

I’ve also been told that I’m very hard on myself when I make mistakes. I didn’t quite understand it. For me, it felt normal because it is something I have pretty much always done. It is only now that I am slowly seeing the ways I harm myself by being so tough on me. It contributes subconsciously the message that I’m not enough. In turn that makes me want to try harder or do more. I also recognize that it permeates into my relationships with others and how I expect them do more when they have shown me that is all they are capable of.

I saw this quote on an IG story of someone I follow and it resonated with me. My mistakes brings me a lot of shame. With each mistake I made I tried to hide them in the dark recess of my mind. I didn’t want to face them. I didn’t want to feel the feelings that came with them. The knot in my throat, the weight on my lungs, the rapid pace of my breath and the trembling of my body.

This quote and a conversation I had with a companion has given me the courage to face my mistakes and feel each one of them and not hide. To give myself grace for the mistakes I’ve made and the hurt I’ve caused is necessary in order for me to feel true compassion and empathy for others. I’ve thought I was empathetic or compassionate before. I think I was barely scratching the surface then. To recognize my human self allows me to recognize the humanity in others - especiallly in the people that I love.

Image accessed on 10/11/22 @ https://www.reddit.com/r/coolguides/comments/v1vw7z/is_this_in_or_out_of_my_control/

In college, I learned about the locus of control. I’ll start off by saying- I’m pretty good at theory. If you give me an idea, I can probably conceptualize it. If you ask me to execute, however, I think that area can be improved.

Kind of like cooking off of a recipe and then ad-libbing. Whenever I cook for my friends, I tell them that they may need to add salt since I believe I may underseason. One of my friends came back and said to me, “You say that we may need to add salt. Each time, the flavor has been really good”. For some reason, I thought that if something I cooked did not meet my expectations of what I think it should taste or look like- it meant that it wasn’t as good and that it could be better. Perhaps to a degree, things can always be better or improved upon. What my friend said to me made me realize that I didn’t necessarily view my current efforts as enough.  Whether I want to admit it, or not, that same belief/behavior plays out in my relationships with others. It comes out when we have disagreements. I’m not aware, until the other party says it to me, but I can’t quite understand how it displays. I’ve only come to have a concept of it now.

I’m sorry to the people I have hurt that felt like what they did was not enough for me. I’m sorry I was not aware of my patterns that did not contribute to the growth and health of our relationship. Thank you for reflecting back to me what I need to see and learn.

I see how my perfectionism, even now, affects my relationship with myself and how that impact others. Previously, I understood the theory of locus of control. You can only control what’s within your capabilities. You can’t control others. In my mind, I used to think ”Of course. Duh! You can’t control other people.”  How naive and pompous of me to think that such concepts was so simple and easily applied. I had no clue then that my own actions/behaviors did not reflect that at all. I was subconsciously trying to control the situations, people, and events in my life through my actions/behaviors. The humble pie people talk about. I definitely had a heaping serving of that.

I’ve been struggling the past couple of days after learning new information about a person from my past. With anxiety and depression- I have a habit of future thinking and desiring to change the past because of what I think would have occurred if I did this one specific action. This habit- I am actively trying to break. The information at first was/is welcomed- it is something I have always wanted and deeply desired and longed for to happen. Now that the dust has settled a bit, I’m confused, and sad. Maybe a little afraid of what this all means or if it even means anything anymore. I find myself wanting to control the outcome, or desiring to change the past, or thinking of ways I could control the future. Then I stopped. I went to bed and woke up this morning with a voice in my head saying: “focus on what you do have control of”.

Maybe it’s my internal spirit guide recognizing I need help putting the theory into practice. Whoever/whatever it is- it reminded me to remember what is within my control. For a moment- it eased the pain I am feeling in my heart.

Sitting with my feelings is something I’ve been working on. My primary mode is to push the feelings away, stuff it down, dismiss it. (As some of you are aware, not ideal when you desire emotional intimacy with others) Now, the goal is to be curious and embrace it. The accepting part. The person from my past- I think in an effort to help me- would say to accept whatever the feelings I felt. I used to reply “I am. That’s why it hurts so much.” Truth is- what I thought was accepting wasn’t. Accepting isn’t combative. Accepting is more peaceful. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, it feels less resistant, at least in my experience.

Years ago, a guy I was dating asked me what I wanted. I presume to see if he could give me what I desired. I told him I wanted someone to love me through thick and thin. For someone to have faith in me, that I would come out to the other side to greet them when I came out of my darker, struggling moments. He replied, “I’m not sure if I can do that”.

Rightfully so.

I have learned through a variety of experiences that at the end of the day, the only person who was going to love me through thick and thin was me. My mom may be a close second. :P That same belief I came to realize was also a double edge sword. If I was the only person I could count on to love me through thick and thin then that must mean i could not rely on others to do so. I operated from a level of no trust or minimal trust. Even if I didn’t say it, my behaviors emitted so.

Not too long ago, I discovered that perhaps I went about this trust thing incorrectly. In my mind, I could only trust you if you did so and so action the way I perceived it to be and at the times I find critical. A recent argument with my sister made me realize that although trust is earned in small moments, it does not mean that if the person missed a perceive opportunity to deepen the trust that all trust for this person is to be erased. Logically, I didn’t think I was doing so, but my body was. Trust is such a hard thing. Do people automatically give it, or is it earned? Or both? One thing, I’m learning about trust is that it’s not perfect. Humans are imperfect. To trust is to have faith. It’s to be humbled that you could be wrong. As a person pointed out, I don’t want to be wrong.

Maybe that’s what I’m currently learning in this part of my journey. Discovering and exploring my resistance to being wrong. What does it mean if I am wrong? That I couldn’t predict the outcome? That my ability to assess was inaccurate. That I couldn’t trust myself? Maybe being doesn’t mean I can’t trust myself- it just means that I don’t always have the answers and it’s okay. Then as I think about it- I own when I’m wrong- I am accountable for my behaviors and actions. Maybe the part of this journey is about acceptance.

I look at other people and their faith and think to myself- wow it’s unshakeable, but I’m wrong. People have their moments when they question their faith and belief like the rest of us, even the most devout encounter such moments.

Image accessed on 9/23/22 via https://www.shutterstock.com/search/mirror-reflection

Over the years, and through many IG posts, therapy sessions, late night talks with friends and family, I would hear the phrase “relationships or rather people reflect back to you what you need to see”. It took me a VERY LONG time to understand this omniscient phrase. You know how people will say phrases like “You’ll understand when you get older”- I find that to be frustrating because it is something you can’t really comprehend until you actually experience AND explore that insight when you arrive at that moment in your life.

Many times over, in previous relationships, phrases such as “people can only meet you as far as they have met themselves” confused me. Intellectually I understood the meaning. Feeling the depth of it I did not understand until recently. I bought Vanessa Bennett and John Kims’ book “It’s not me, it’s you” to listen to via Audible. It blew my mind. Up until now, I have been working on myself through therapy and practicing within the relationships I had in my life whether that be family, friends, work, or strangers. Hearing Vanessa and John discuss their relationship, their subconscious behavioral patterns, their personal internal work helped me realize and understand how the relationships I were in had similar dynamics. It didn’t have to be toxic for the patterns to show up, the patterns existed regardless. And because they existed, Vanessa and John argue that it can be “rich soil for growth”, “creating new love experiences and patterns”- that is if both people decide to do so.

Looking back now- I can see the many ways my previous relationships reflected to me my own emotional unavailability at the time. How I pushed even my own family and friends away by certain behaviors. I am fortunate that my friends and family, for those that chose to stick around or may not completely realize it at the time, decided to be a part of my life. As I mentioned in my previous post, accountability and apologies are the hardest things to do. Apologizing for me was really hard- I truly thought that if I apologized, it meant I was wrong. Apologizing means that you are willing to put the other persons’ experience of the situation above your own- it did not mean that I was wrong or am a bad person. If you find yourself in a similar predicament, keep this in your mind. Stretch beyond the resistance. Be curious as to why you feel this way. My inquisitive nature, can be a double edged sword at times, has helped me tremendously in other areas specifically in the areas of personal growth and work.