#journey

Washington — Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had one request for the internet as she pointed at the camera and injected the first shot of her egg-freezing protocol: “Don’t be weird about this, even though I know all of you will be.” “That wasn’t so bad,” she said after she injected the shot into her lower abdomen.  The 36-year-old representative from New York — and a potential 2028…

SW: 275 lbs/ 125.6 kg

Height: 5'10 (178cm)

GW: 140 lbs/ 63 kg

I keep feeling this great dread and excitement at the prospect of leaving, I’m almost paralyzed by it.

People keep asking me to hang out just one last time for coffee, they don’t think twice when I ask they write on my journey notebook so I can remember them all, they all say the nicest things and I don’t recognize the person they talk about.

I feel so distant and so close to the anxious, scared version of me the first day I set foot in this country.

I miss my mom, my family, my dog, my friends— I dread even just the thought of going back and being a part of society at home.

Here, I get to meet the people who took the leap, who had the courage, who said “I love you, but I love me and my peace more”, the people who are not afraid of reinventing themselves, of discovering new places, of trying and failing and succeeding. I am in awe of all the fantastic people I met and I’m sad I won’t meet as many anymore when I’ll be home.

My heart is torn, my mind is racing, but maybe it’s all part of the journey: recognizing that I can live wanting so many different things and that having conflicting feelings is normal, it’s part of the growth.

I’m so proud of me for soldiering through when I was scared, anxious, alone, struggling and all the things I felt that prevented me from living.

I've been on holiday with my lover, visited two countries and saw System of a Down live. It was both comfy and exhausting as we traveled a bit by train and foot.

Still no job but tomorrow I have an interview for a job to occupy my mind until I find something better. I don't know how to feel.

I also realized that I am afraid to imagine a future with someone, and it is not a new fear, but an old one now that has been resurrected by my last relationship, big time. I am scared because I don't like hope, hope hurts, and I don't even have that type of expectation from life.

I don't make future plans in my head, I don't have wishes, and when I catch myself daydreaming I shake this idea out of my head, I won't allow myself to make scenarios about love.

Is this healthy? Keeping myself away from hope? Maybe it's only an early stage thing

But I've been here before

Now the plus is that I have so little trust

I simply hate the idea of hope.

I never was that girl who dreams about her future family, or how big the house will be, how loving the husband, nothing like that. It never came naturaly to me to have fantasies like that.

I love him, I just won't make scenarios. As I believe he isn't making plans either.

And this circles me back to the question: "Do I want to get married one day?" Grand-père, I would've loved to ask you about this, your wisdom is much needed nowadays.

And my only response that comes to mind is "it is too scary to get married" , and I believe that wanting to get married to someone, as a woman, is an act of absolute devotion, being married is a disadvantage for women usually and wanting that speaks volume. At least to me.

I absolute hate the idea of preparing a wedding, being the centered of attention, giving away so much for what. For some legal papers and a tradition that is so patriarchal?

It is a beautiful act, yes, absolutely. And I would hate it for myself, it is too scary to give someone so much power over your freedom. If I think like that, I am no good to ever do that.

On the other side of how I see things, this will protect me from making someone a widow too.

And this is, sadly, my view.

I am so afraid of investing trust, it crushes me.

Talk to you soon, miss having someone like you