Take Life One step at a time

I identify the most with the woman who has a green velvet ribbon around her neck and keeps being like "DONT untie my neck ribbon or something really bad will happen" and then her husband unties the ribbon and her head falls off. this is extremely real to me. spent my whole life like "please don't do this thing to me or really bad stuff will happen" and everyone around me being like "that sounds fake" and doing it anyway. and then my head fell off!

The princess I kidnapped and keep locked in my tower recently got on tumblr and has since been complaining that I don't respect her 'hmphs' enough. I'm not sure she understands our relationship.

The new maid who took me to this nice summer home doesn't seem to be listening to me? Even though I'm literally going "hmph!"

Fortuneteller, turning over the Death card: Don't worry. It isn't literal. It simply refers to some form of change. Me: Phew Fortuneteller; turning over the Gets Eaten by the Fortuneteller While Trying to Leave card: That can also mean many things

You have to watch the dosage.

You have to watch the dosage.

dont store a knife with the point facing down, it damages the blade. no, dont do that either. when you store it with the point facing up you might accidentally hurt yourself when you try to grab it. dont store a knife at all actually. your blade must never leave your hand, always ready, ruthless and waiting. you know deep down that ever since you learned the stench of blood you will never be able to cast it aside. or just get a sheath for it i guess.

I just felt someone Z-target me

[clearly circle-strafing you] don't be ridiculous

"it's not that deep" START DIGGING!!

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

DIG

OOPS TOO DEEP

How do you go through all the effort of setting up a sous vide to do this????

never tell me that magic isnt real ever again when this is clear evidence of a person transmogrifing Meat into Wood

i can transmogrify meat into wood by lookin at pictures of titties if ya get what im sayin

hey, we all love tiddies here but this person has perpetrated a crime against nature and we need you stay focused

I'm following blogs that haven't posted in like eight years but I don't care I shall never unfollow them because I am a true and loyal knight #loyalknight

pitch for my new tarot card “The Emoji”

hey welcome to my evil lair, good job beating my minions. yeah hold on before i fight you let me just stand directly underneath this massive iron chandelier held up by four ropes connected to big stakes at each corner of the room. like an idiot

Somehow cutting the ropes does not change its balance or make it swing away from the middle of the room; all four are redundantly holding it up from the dead center. I just like how the ropes look.

well, you know what they say—to hang a large and dangerous chandelier, you need 4 ropes attached to sconces with 50 hp apiece at each corner of the room

That's because this is Silmarillion

I always wanted to be the guard that tells only lies

I mean I've actually never wanted to be that.

Stupid stupid stupid. C'mon. At this rate I'll never be a lie guard.

As a professional guard who always lies, don't worry about it, you're doing great.