US IMPERIALISM IS A PAPER TIGER

by josef stalin

josef stalin! i talk too much about lenin. lenin lenin lenin. josef stalin liked languages. josef stalin liked playing pool. josef stalin liked jokes and art.

mao says, “marx, engels, lenin and STALIN”, and stalin, and stalin.

hello comrade stalin. how are you doing?

i’m from another place and time.

but not much has changed! not on the face of it. not in the deep dark structure of it. right, comrade stalin?

still, a majority of people work, produce, collectively. still a minority own the mechanisms which enable production.

what is a state, josef?

a state is a machine. a state is a lie. a state is a mediator. a state is a mirror, a mirror of the contradictions.

you headed a state, once.

On Monday, August 6, 1945, at 8:15 a.m. (Hiroshima time), an American Boeing B-29 Superfortress, the Enola Gay, flown by Paul Tibbets (23 February 1915 – 1 November 2007), dropped the nuclear weapon "Little Boy" on Hiroshima.

boom.

they have them, and, crucially, they are not afraid to use them.

the other side has no principles. the other side has only fear and ignorance, and a nuclear arsenal.

you wish to build your nation, you wish to improve the lives of your people. you are also an internationalist. you know the communist project cannot be built in a single country.

but your nation makes them afraid, its beauty and its strenght.

and their fear will anihillate humany.

you are a smart and brave man. you see the writing on the wall. the writing says, tick tock. how long until humanity is wiped out?

it is 2026 today. we don’t live in fear of atomic bombs like we used to, back in your day. the cold war is over! the soviet union is over! china is non-interventionist. the principled chinese communists care only about themsleves. these marxist-leninists have built the most powerful, advanced nation on earth, and have improved the lives of their people, and their people only!

gone are the days of the soviet union! gone is afghanistan! gone is cuba, or soon to be!

the west doesn’t need to fear anymore. there is no threat.

THERE IS NO THREAT.

WE ARE LIVING IN A COUNTERREVOLUTIONARY MOMENT.

pass whatever you want in your international diplomatic meetings. G7, the UN. china will not oppose.

everyone knows the west rules the world.

everyone knows this.

the communists are weak! worldwide!

they lost the cultural revolution!

china is capitalist.

the soviet union fell.

why did it fall, comrade stalin? what happened after your death?

krushchev, brezhnev, gorbachev.

they built themselves up by tearing you down, comrade stalin!

to the dogs with you and your beautiful mustache!

and then they let everyone fuck off from their government functions, to drive cabs, to buy american records.

how silly of them to not make enough records themselves.

hello, i’m mr. gorbachev. i think we can make peace with the americans. we don’t need to fight, do we? i’m so scared of us continuing to fight. let’s make concession after concession to them. i love disney! i love coca-cola! i’m a stupid stupid coward, and that’s exactly who the party would chose to head the nation!

yes yes yes.

yes.

it’s simply human nature. those silly communists don’t get it. degrading into opportunism is inevitable! succumbing to the west’s shiny and beautiful trinkets is inevitable!

mr. gorbachev, tear down your own source of power!

that’s human nature.

you know they tried to depose your boy kim il sung? how crass of them. but they never managed. good for kim!

anyways.

impossible!

communism is impossible.

because communists are stupid and cowardly.

the world is a circus, comrade stalin.

you lived a tragedy, and by god, are they putting us through a farce. putting me through it, at the very least, comrade. god’s favorite little clown.

and lenin wore a wig on that train.

and curaçao is in the world cup.

and i have psychosis.

and us imperialism is a paper tiger, says mao to the latin americans.

what do you think, comrade stalin?

comrade lenin!

fuck i miss you, dude.

rip lenin, you would have loved to take a big rip from a bong with me.

the book of love, it’s long and boring. no one can read the damn thing. it’s full of charts and facts and figures.

(and instructions for dancing.)

how long IS capital, comrade lenin?

Capital a critique of political economy Our rough guess is there are 288,000 words in this book. At a pace averaging 250 words per minute, this book will take 19 hours and 12 minutes to read. With a half hour per day, this will take 39 days to read.

comrade lenin. why did our buddy marx write a bad book?

and why did you?

you dont like numbered lists. i do! you DON’T. you are witty, sharp, and conversational. you write SPEECHES, comrade lenin. not thesis. (thesises? thesii? you would have known. I MISS YOU)

martin luther liked writing numbered lists!

that was one BRAVE motherfucker, martin luther.

challenging the authority of the catholic church!

saying things… everyone already agreed on!

and everyone was already outraged about!

ninety-five theses. seems excessive. but who am i to judge? i love a numbered list.

and it worked! damn, way to pull that one off. what an offset! we were all rooting for you, sweetie. CHECKPOINT REACHED: the germans are now protestant.

the english did it a slightly funnier way. church of ENGLAND. in case you forgot. no protestantism, no lutheranism. no need for this to spread to other nations!!!!! church of ENGLAND.

funny how they just let anyone be king these days (the days being the 16th century). a weird lusty slobbish STUBBORN man.

what a FUNNY historical event to have happened, the rift between the english and the catholic church. no political motivations to it at all. just a man who wanted to marry kill and divorce several women, in such a chaotic way the pope had no choice but to disapprove of.

no economic motivations to this historical event, at all.

your daughter elizabeth had to fight a war, by the way.

wait! my bad.

she had to fight a handful of wars.

When the Protestant Henry IV inherited the French throne in 1589, Elizabeth sent him military support. It was her first venture into France since the retreat from Le Havre in 1563.

Although Ireland was one of her two kingdoms, Elizabeth faced a hostile, and in places virtually autonomous,[n] Irish population that adhered to Catholicism and was willing to defy her authority and plot with her enemies.

In December 1584, an alliance between Philip II and the French Catholic League at Joinville undermined the ability of Anjou's brother, Henry III of France, to counter Spanish domination of the Netherlands.

but really i was thinking of the spanish one.

catholic spain.

ANYWAYS.

comrade lenin.

imperalism is a SHIT book.

you spent all that time in switzerland annoying random workers with your political conversations and eating their cheese, only to… what? write a sort of unedited draft of a undergraduate-level economics essay?

oh wow! small companies get ate up by big ones. cool cool. oh, no thanks, you don’t need to prove it to me with a chart. we believe you. oh you’re gonna show the chart anyways? no, yes, very cool chart. thanks, comrade.

and what else? colonialism exists?

right. mind-blowing stuff, comrade lenin, thank you.

and what was the last thing (the last and third thing on your list of five items, and can you really argue with me on this. that this list of five items are really three items).

that FINANCIAL CAPITAL merges with INDUSTRIAL CAPITAL.

THAT’S SO FUNNY.

THAT’S SO INTERESTING.

no, i think that is so interesting.

because i am brazilian, comrade lenin. and we all know that portugal colonized us (yes, portugal, that mole on spain’s back).

but we also know that england actually called the shots, they had naval control of the area. portugal had no choice but to obey them.

but actually, no, the money flowed from portugal to the financial centers, in the netherlands, i guess? dutch indian company? the swiss banks?

WHERE DID THE MONEY GO.

it sure didnt go to setting up portugal to have a stable economy in a few hundred years’ time. they sure didn’t industrialize. or set up ANY long term economic survival plan.

where did the money go?

where did.

the money.

go.

i FUCKING

wonder,

comrade lenin.

you know, comrade lenin. i think i like “Leningrad” better.

whoever got you on that train back to russia probably agreed.

miss you, bitch.