I am trying to be better.

when considering the sexual violence against trans women, it's important to remember that "people only view us sexually" does not mean the same thing as "people only find us attractive". it means "people can only conceptualize of our existence within a sexual light" because that's how the majority of our coverage in media has been tinged in the past century. as a result of the chaste and patriarchal nature of modern capitalism, gender and sexuality are inseparable in much public discourse by virtue of propaganda, and as a result, a trans woman is seen as sexual because efforts towards projecting specifically femininity is only categorized as sexual. and when paired with the uncharitable perception of "man", that propaganda can often evolve how people view us directly into "sexual threat" anywhere, for any reason. i could be in the freezer aisle of costco looking down at the ground while i push my cart and i'd still get dirty looks for wearing a dress (this has happened).

when i say "they're either jerking off or sharpening a knife", i mean we're either viewed sexually, or as sexually threatening, in almost all scenarios.

"how dare you say we piss on the poor" in response to someone misinterpreting your post

"_ isnt gonna fuck you" for suck up behavior

"woah. should we tell everyone? should we throw a party?" for who the fuck cares

"and what if the world was made of pudding" for when would this ever matter.

"and sharks are smooth both ways" for a group of people heatedly arguing with 1 guy who is fucking with them all

“30-50 wild hogs” for someone making ABSURD excuses for violence.

“what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament” for how do you know that without being a part of it.

“anyone in this thread smoke weed” for the shit you people are saying is so off topic this might as well be a general discussion forum

“dogs are boys and cats are girls” for ooh ur mindset did not grow past 4th grade, huh

“color theory in a childrens hospital” for bending over backwards to not agree that YEA, that thing Came Off Weird

“you are a tar pit” for someone finding any reason to respond with outrage.

“is the __ in the room with us right now?” for I Don’t Think That’s Real.

“bean soup? im allergic to beans!” for ik this doesn’t work for you, but that’s not a flaw. not everything can be for you.

if you cook a penguin egg, the egg white just kind of. stays transparent.

Wanting something requires dopamine signaling, but liking something doesn’t.

If you have a mental illness/disorder that affects dopamine, you might feel that you don’t want to do the things that you like. You do still like them. You will appreciate having done them.

Let your likes guide you.

(If you want to read more, here’s one experimental paper about it. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5171207/ This theory called the incentive-sensitization theory was originally created to explain behaviors in addiction but can be applied elsewhere as well)

“I’m not into Indian girls, but you look [other ethnicity]” you’re into Indian girls.

“Omg I love Indian food” and it’s just butter chicken or chicken tikka masala.

“Chandelier earrings” you mean my jhumkas?

“I love avatar/atla” you don’t know what the concept of an avatar even is.

“Your slums are dirty” tell that to the unusually low Covid rates in those slums.

“Indians don’t experience colourism” that is certainly an echo chamber chronically online take.

Exams during our festival season while every other religion gets their days off. Told to speak English when many of us in the diaspora already do (thanks colonialism!). Made to take English exams or considered international students on the basis of our names. Overlooked in job applications. Blamed for climate change. Blamed for lack of jobs. Blamed for crashing economy. Blamed for terrorism (more issues there). Random TSA checks. Random hate crimes. Stolen culture. Stolen property.

Uncredited for simple things everyone does nowadays. Coconut oil, miswak, mehndi, indigo, the number 0, banking cheques, chess, yoga, chakras, third eye, evil eye, turmeric, clean girl aesthetic, lost wax casting, bindis, kohl, dupattas, bangles, courtyards in houses, paisley, the very concept of rebirth and reincarnation. I could go on.

The racism towards Indians is so entrenched in every single western culture that nobody bothers to look twice when India suffers a heat wave. You all love Greece and Rome but did you know they directly benefitted from trade with the Indian subcontinent? Did you know Indians were taken as indentured labourers too? Did you know we were slaves too? And I’m speaking for South Asia as a whole here, did you know many of us are still slaves?

Lauren Laverne's Box came to me few years after I could have done with it, but I will carry that Box wherever I go.

What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special. Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row – because they aren’t rows. If you’re lucky – like my friend and me – you get to leave the situation. I’m not sure whether you ever completely escape the experience.

"What do you call a bad miracle?"

I've spent a lot of money on moving around, trying to be there for my family and I'm out of everything. I don't even know if I can fucking pay rent, so. If any of you have read this long I guess, thank you? And if you wouldn't mind sharing? Because I'm at my wit's end.

If you'd like to help, I'd really appreciate it.

P*ypal: [email protected]

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