Good evening

going on a guilt trip do yall want anything

if you really cared about me you wouldn't have to ask

“why don’t they teleport back” because they’re not on the planet where everyone can teleport anymore. try to keep up dumbass

you are fifteen thousand generations removed from stone tools

to be clear you are fifteen thousand generations removed from the invention of stone tools. not from the end of stone tools. modern humans are still using stone tools.

I thought you meant we were descendents -of- stone tools

your father was a handaxe and your mother smelt of microliths

the strongest bond is probably pad wings to themselves. the weakest is probably pad wings to your underwear

the guy who makes the adhesive for pads should really swap jobs with the guy who makes the adhesive for pads

used to live in a college town that was huge on sports. 80% of small talk was sportsball and so i developed an Evil Habit: whenever the conversation inevitably turned to the upcoming Big Game i would act excited and then confused. I would earnestly insist they had the details wrong. "the game next Saturday? don't you mean the Thursday after? playing against the [predator species]? no we're playing against the [other predator species]." And so on. i would draw this argument out for as long as feasibly possible, until eventually someone would pull out their phone to prove to me my wrongness. At which point I would squint exaggeratedly at the screen, slap my forehead in an eureka moment, and exclaim "oh you meant the MEN'S team!!! are they doing a game? that's nice."

I'm trying to think of the name of those off-brand hedgehog things but the only thing that comes to mind is enchilada

Their dicks have 4 heads

ALL THE KNUCKLES PORNOGRAPHY IS INACCURATE

why do people keep saying this

Quite possibly the best/worst fortune cookie fortune ever.

Official ominous fortune

there are a lot of really good ancient roman laws but i think my favorite is that, if you got struck by lightening and died, you couldnt have a proper burial because it meant that the gods hated you

“Jupiter cancelled him and we’re not going to question that”

genuinely asking: how would these laws apply to that guy who got struck by lightning on seven separate occasions but survived every time?

I think I would have assumed Zeus was trying to fuck him.

worst possible response thanks so much