#nameflux

Do you ever have that feeling of like… who am I?

When you look in the mirror and it doesn’t really feel like you. Not just because you don’t look like you want to look but because it just genuinely doesn’t connect.

And your brain feels kind of empty, like a shell without a snail in it. And who are you when you’re not assuming a persona to talk to someone or roleplay? And sometimes it feels like there are different people in your brain taking the wheel but not taking control, and they’re still you in a way but a different flavor of you. And you can’t really tell anyone because you’re not diagnosed with anything so people will say you’re a faker, and you’re kind of scared to look too far into it because what if there actually is something wrong with you? But you don’t really have the symptoms of much besides the things you already know you have, like ocd and social anxiety, and apparently you might be audhd, too, because your partner who is adhd and has been tested for autism thinks you have it and yeah, you do have a lot of the qualifications like time blindness, task paralysis, ect but you’ve always just been told you have a “lazy streak” instead and you were raised with the worldview that autistic people are potentially dangerous and it’s “sad” that they’re like that, because they’re “not right” and stimming or tics are also not right.

but you’ve been so isolated due to the pandemic and you spent four years without talking to anyone in-person besides your immediate family, and that’s not an exaggeration that’s just the facts and you homeschooled yourself and graduated high school at sixteen and you’re just not ready for college because you’ve been so sheltered that you’re so scared of being alone and lost and how are you going to function?

and maybe you’re just being dramatic. Other people have it worse, other people have real trauma like abuse or homelessness or parents that hit them and you only had parents that yelled and you don’t remember when your biological mother abused you physically when you were a toddler and young child but the brain is supposed to block out things like that, right?

did that mess you up? Or was it something else? Should you remember that? Is it bad that you can’t remember it???

or maybe the internet has just influenced you too much because you’re chronically online and were raised by ao3 and roblox and had to learn about the world by yourself because your family kept you so sheltered that it’s concerning to look back on. And yeah you saw and read and watched things you shouldn’t have at such a young age but that’s okay because other people did it, too.

but nowadays you’re reading about things like being a system and wow endogenic really feels like you. But a lot of people think that endos are bad and does that mean you’re bad? Are you faking it? Are you wanting to be “cool” like the system people and your brain is just making it up?

But the names you have in your head don’t feel like your name, they feel like the names of other people but they aren’t people in the way that your characters and ocs are, they feel realer the way that your favorite characters that you hyperfixate feel “real.” You can imagine what they say and are they really saying it or are you making them say it? Is that your inner voice or is that their voice? It’s all so confusing and they aren’t you but you’re them.

and who are you, exactly? You’re an accumulation of everything you’ve ever liked and every oc you’ve made and the facade you put up in front of your unaccepting family and the other mask you occasionally have to put up for your one irl friend who you see maybe four times a year.

and you have these things that you call your “moods” where you feel sad for no reason and have no energy and don’t want to talk, and is that depression or is that just being sad? Because it isn’t like your friend’s depression where they want to do harmful things to themselves because you’ve never done that, even if you have intrusive thoughts that you COULD do that, but you don’t want to and you genuinely never would, it’s just the unwanted knowledge that, in theory, you could.

and you’re scared of being depressed because you were depressed two autumns ago before you were medicated and looking back you realize how bad your mental health was and you couldn’t tell your family because you were “doing it for attention” and “picking and choosing.”

and a lot of the time you have no energy and you’re so tired and your body hurts but maybe that’s just because you forget to take your vitamins but sometimes even when you take your vitamins you still feel achy and is it due to bad mental health or is there something physically wrong with you? But sometimes you have lots of energy!!!! Zoomies!!!! Run run run run run and the sun is shining and it’s so nice outside and life is really nice!nnn maybe it’s just because you don’t eat that well but you don’t live near a big grocery store to be able to cook fresh foods, and fast food and sweet foods make you feel happy so you eat a lot of them, but you try to exercise every day!

and you don’t really have any emotions a lot of the time, you don’t feel numb or sad or down you just DONT feel. Like you’re just vibing but you’re not happy, but you’re not sad either. Maybe you are happy and you’re just taking it for granted.

so are you a system? Are the funny feelings in your head different personalities or are they just you having mood swings?

because you don’t disassociate and you don’t really forget much and you can remember what you did that day and the day before. You’re present, or at least you think you are.

The name you were born with isn’t yours, but the name you chose almost two years ago isn’t really fitting all the time anymore, because “Alex” feels happy and sometimes you do feel like Alex! Especially when you’re with your partner and you can laugh and smile without being afraid of getting in trouble.

And for a while you were Paul but Paul is sad and you don’t always feel sad. And maybe you’re also Atreus but Atreus is angry and grungy and sometimes you like soft fluffy pastel aesthetics, especially when you’re in littlespace and you’re just a baby boy.

and you used to go by Evan and Evan felt different than Alex and Paul and Atreus and your deadname.

and then maybe you felt a new name forming last night during an oc roleplay and “John” is based on John Watson from BBC Sherlock but he’s not John Watson because he’s different and you but not you and does that make him an interject? You don’t really understand all these terms and what if you’re being ableist and a cringy faker by using them?

and sometimes you just feel like a silly little cat or puppy with no thoughts

it’s all confusing and you just don’t know. Is this an identity crisis? What even IS an identity crisis? It’s not really a crisis tho because it’s not pressing.