Begging people in fandom spaces to stop treating nonqueer as the default.
An unconfirmed character is not automatically allorose, monorose, straight, monogamous, with 0 prioritized nonrose (platonic/queerplatonic, alterous, sensual, etc) attraction.
An unconfirmed character is not automatically unaltered perisex, cisgender, binary, gender conforming, and pronoun conforming.
Unless the creator or character explicitly states that they are all of those things, then you literally cannot tell people "[insert character here] isn't queer!"
(And also people are allowed to headcanon things that defy canon for the sake of fun and representation, but that's a different discussion to be had.)
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A while ago, someone asked me what the difference was between a polycule and a harem, so I made this cute little diagram to illustrate.
There's more to polycules and poly relationships than having multiple partners. To put it bluntly, what separates a harem from a polycule is that polycules have a huge emphasis on queer identity and queerness, whileharems still end up conforming to heteronormavity.
Whenever I've seen harems in fiction (especially in anime/manga), it's always focused on cishet guys being fawned over and worshipped by multiple female characters, and said female characters are often treated like status symbols and prizes to be claimed (as one would expect in heteronormativity). Additionally, there's an element of mononormativity to the harem as only one person in it is allowed to pursue multiple partners. Like, have you noticed that in harem anime and that nonsense, you always see the cishet male character forming relationships with other female characters, but you NEVER see any of the female characters forming relationships with ANYONE ELSE ONCE OTHER GUY THEY'RE CURRENTLY WITH.
You don't see any of that reactionary BS in polycules. Polycules can comprise people from any queer community and can be composed of many different kinds of relationships, NOT JUST ROMANTIC. Because I frankly find the idea that aromantic relationships are inherently lesser than romantic ones to be... icky for lack of a better word, especially as an aroace.
That's more or less the gist of it, but if you want to add to this or share whatever insights or critiques you have to offer on the subject, feel free to do so.
My sister got upset I didn’t tell her I’d be out all night…
But like when I do tell her before hand… she just judges me. In that way mononormative people do. Because she still sees me as a teenager. And thinks I’m being self destructive in my proclivities.
i have to at least dabble in polyamory bc yes its splendid dan and phil found each other and so many people are like "dan met his soulmate at 18 :((((((" welll who says you onlt have one person destined for you? i just gotta be as gay and weird as possible to remind people that you do not have to settle down when you are young there's nothing bad about not being in a relationship you are a whole person and also i say this. unless u are dan and phil the concept of soulmates is errrr. mononormativity. so, i'm philosophically polyamorous.
c'mon. i can't die before having three weed smoking girlfriends.
aroace culture is getting light headed and sick to your stomach from seeing inappropriate amatonormative, sexnormative, and mononormative (+) expectations and practices that allorose adults force onto minors or coerce them into 😵
what do you MEAN they're doing stoplight parties in HIGH SCHOOL for teenagers?! WHO thought that would ever be a good idea?! I would like to go back to ten minutes ago when I wasn't aware of that, thanks.
(Apologies for the vent; legitimately recovering from gaining that knowledge.)
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Lazy Worldbuild Rant Number 2: Why the actual fuck do all fantasy worlds and almost all cultures in them copy-paste most attitudes towards sex and romance from the real world?
Don't get me wrong. I kinda know why. Because a) nobody IRL questions it, and b) nobody really wants to question it. So even those few fantasy authors that do realize that the mono- and heteronormative attitude humans these days have towards sex are not "natural" (in as far anything a human does ever can be, obviously), they would rather not challenge it. Besides, most fantasy books tend to be based in this romanticized idea of what the European middle ages looked like - obviously focusing on nobles or at least special people, rather than peasants.
But by all the gods, it irks me so much. Especially as mono- and heteronormativity also always imply some version of patriarchy existing in the world. After all, matriarchal societies tend to not have mononormativity, and are also way less likely to be heteronormative.
As some who have read me talk about this before know: I am irked by the drow worldbuilding in DnD a lot, but the one thing I will give that stuff credit for is, that it realized that in this matriarchal culture mono-hetero-normativity does not make any sense whatsoever and hence did away with it.
But really, though, there would be so many interesting ways to explore romance and sexuality in fantasy books.
Have a culture, in which romance is very strictly seperated from sex. Like, romance only exists for rasing kids, but it is basically assumed that those kids will always result from casual things outside of that bound, and people are superstitious if a heterosexual couple would actually conceive the kids together. It taints the kids, they say!
Have a culture in which romance really does not exist as a concept and everyone just does it with everyone with the kids just growing up in their village, where every adult will care for every child. The concept of "mother" and "father" does not exist. (This was fairly common for early humans, from all we know.)
Have a culture in which men and women live apart, only coming together for sexual encounters once in a full moon. Children will be raised by the women until a certain age, when the boys go live with the men.
Heck, have a culture in which the general belief is, that men and women should not touch one another, outside of specific rituals for conception. Outside of this homoromanticism is normalized, but heteroromanticism is seen as scandalous.
Recently I get fairly annoying especially when it comes to fantasy worlds of sort, that are basically stone age societies, meaning mainly hunter-gatherers. There is little evidence to suggest that hunter-gatherers do the entire "monogamous marriage" thing, outside of maybe a few exceptions. And yet, out of the couple of stone age or quasi stone age settings I know, most of them do monogamy at the very least, if not heteronormativity as well.
I mean, come on now. Read some actual anthropology people.
And that is without going into the fact that once we get to other fantasy species - or even scifi stuff - it is so boring to mainly get species that do two genders all the time.
*sighs* *looks at his Ursula K. LeGuin collection* Oh, Ursula, why were you the one who understood this? And why is everyone else struggling with it so much? Q-Q
hey guys just checking in to see if this group are marginalized enough yet to deserve support or if theyre evil literal fucking hell spawn pieces of shit attention whores that are single handedly the reason why actually oppressed continue to struggle.
Do you look like me or do I hate you? (Rinse repeat)
(Check out sex & gender terms here [link], gendered attraction terms here [link], and attraction types, aspec identities, & other orientations here [link.])
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Singlehood: A situation where a person who desires a relationship is currently unpartnered.
Non-partnering/Nonamory/Agamy/Afidelity: A situation where a person does not desire any intimate relationship ever. This could be for any reason, such as personal preference, being aspec, religious reasons, mental health reasons, etc. They may refer to themself as Nonamorous/Agamous/Afidelitous.
Monogamy: An intimate relationship that is exclusive between two people. A person who exclusively desires monogamy would refer to themself as Monogamous.
Although monogamy is often used to refer to both unmarried and married couples, some people distinguish monoamory (an unmarried couple) from monogamy (a married couple.)
Ambiamory: A relationship that can be monogamous or polyamorous. A person who is fine with either monogamy or polyamory would refer to themself as Ambiamorous.
Syndeamory describes an ambiamorous person whose preferences for polyamory or monogamy are based on their partner's preferences (ie; if their partner prefers polyamory, they will prefer that too.)
Monoflexible: A person/relationship that is usually monogamous, but on rare occasion becomes polyamorous or nonamorous.
Polyflexible: A person/relationship that is usually polyamorous, but on rare occasion becomes monogamous or nonamorous.
Fluidamory: A person/relationship that is fluid or fluctuating between multiple different amory/gamy categories (ie; fluctuating between nonamory, monogamy, & polyamory, fluctuating between multiple different forms of polyamory, etc.) A person who desires fluidamory would refer to themself as Fluidamorous.
Mutoamory is a subtype of fluidamory, where a person’s relationship orientation changes based on the scenario or circumstances (ie; a person who usually has the same relationship orientation, but becomes syndeamorous during vacations.)
Virtuamory is a subtype of mutoamory, describing a person who desires polyamory for online relationships, but is monogamous or nonamorous for offline relationships - if they were to take their online relationships offline, they would lose interest in it, or find it too difficult to maintain.
Divisuamory/Diviamory: A person who has different amory/gamy desires depending on the attraction type. For example, being monogamous towards romantic relationships, ambiamorous towards senseships, polyamorous towards QPRs, etc. A person who experiences divisuamory would refer to themself as Divisuamorous/Diviamorous.
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): An umbrella term for people/relationships which include the desire for more than one consensual partnership. This includes ambiamory, some forms of monoflexibility and polyflexibility, some forms of fluidamory, some forms of divisuamory, and polyamory.
Relationship Anarchy (RA): A person who believes that relationships shouldn't be given “rules” by society (aside from rules of consent and ethical treatment), and that the only rules that matter in a relationship are the ones given by the people involved within it. Relationship anarchists support all forms of atypical relationships. Some people identify as a relationship anarchist if they wish not to further label their relationship orientation, similar to how some people use the term “queer” if they wish not to further label their attraction.
Polyamory: A person/relationship that includes/desires more than one partner. A person who desires polyamory would refer to themself as polyamorous.
Polygamy describes the marriage of more than two people, and a person who is married to multiple people may refer to themself as Polygamous.
While a relationship between two people is known as a "couple", a relationship between more than two people is known as a "polycule."
Paramour is a word to describe a polyamorous person’s partner. Metamour is a word to describe the partner of a partner. For example, Tomas is dating Miram, and Miram is dating Lora - this means Miram is Tomas’s paramour, and Lora is Tomas’s metamour.
Multiamory describes a polyamorous relationship that is a complex mix of attraction or structures. For example, a polygynous polyaffectionate octad in an egalitarian paxamorous relationship that participates in swinging. Another example would be a full triad where A & B have a senseship, B & C have a casual relationship, and C & A have a romantic & sexual relationship.
Polyamory labelled by attraction:
[PT: Polyamory labelled by attraction:]
Polyamsensual: A polyamorous senseship.
Polyerosous: A polyamorous intimaship and/or casual relationship.
Polyaffectionate/Polyplatonic: An umbrella term for people who have polyamorous passionate friendships, QPRs, and/or alterous relationship. Polyamalterous is a subset describing specifically polyamorous alterous relationships.
Polyamory labelled by gender:
[PT: Polyamory labelled by gender:]
Polygyny: A man (or mingender person) who is in a relationship with multiple women (or fingender people), and is not dating anyone of a strictly non-feminine gender.
Polyandry: A woman (or fingender person) who is in a relationship with multiple men (or mingender people), and is not dating anyone of a strictly non-masculine gender.
Polysapphic: A person (usually a fingender person) who is in a queerfeminine or genderqueer relationship with multiple people. This often describes a woman (or fingender person) who is in a relationship with multiple women (or fingender people).
Polyachillean: A person (usually a mingender person) who is in a queermasculine or genderqueer relationship with multiple people. This often describes a man (or mingender person) who is in a relationship with multiple men (or mingender people).
Polyduaric: A binary-gendered person who is in a relationship with multiple other binary-gendered people.
Polybinitian: A binary person who is in a relationship with multiple enben, and is not dating anyone of a strictly binary gender.
Polytrixic: An enban who is in a relationship with multiple queerfeminine (or otherwise genderqueer) people. This often describes an enban who is in a relationship with multiple women (or fingender people.)
Polytoric: An enban who is in a relationship with multiple queermasculine (or otherwise genderqueer) people. This often describes an enban who is in a relationship with multiple men (or mingender people.)
Polytiric/Polyordrisian: An enban who is in a relationship with multiple binary-gendered people and/or a mix of mingender & fingender people.
Polyenbian: An enban who is in a relationship with multiple enben (or genderqueer binary people).
Duogamy: A person who is dating (only) two people, each with different types of genders (ie; a person in a relationship with a man and a woman, a person who is in a relationship with a neutrois and androgyne person, etc.)
Polyamory labelled by number:
[PT: Polyamory labelled by number:]
Triad: A relationship with three members. A Full Triad is a triad where all three members are dating. A V Triad/Vee Triad is a relationship where one person is dating two people, but those two people aren’t dating each other. A T Triad/Tee Triad is a relationship where all three members are dating, however if one member were to breakup, the other two would breakup as well due to the relationship feeling incomplete.
Quad: A relationship with four members. A Full Quad is a quad where all four members are dating. A Complex Quad/Triple Triad is a relationship that is almost a full quad, however two members are not dating each other. Plus One Polyamory/Exterior Angled Polyamory is a quad where three members are all dating each other (forming a triad), however one member of the triad has an additional partner (who is not dating the other two), giving the relationship a fourth member. Arrow Polyamory is a quad where one person is dating three people, but none of those three people are dating each other. Double V Polyamory is a quad where two V triads connect. N Polyamory/Fluid Chain Polyamory is a quad where two couples are connected by one member of each couple dating each other.
Pentad: A relationship with five members.
Heptad: A relationship with six members.
Septad: A relationship with seven members.
Octad: A relationship with eight members.
Nonad: A relationship with nine members.
Decad: A relationship with ten members.
Ultrad: A relationship with more than ten members.
Polyamory labelled by partner/logistical dynamics:
[PT: Polyamory labelled by partner/logistical dynamics:]
Kitchen Table Polyamory/KTP: A structure where all of the paramours or metamours have close relationships, and frequently interact. The metaphor is that people in a KTP relationship would “all gather around a dinner table to have dinner together on a frequent basis.”
Garden Party Polyamory/GTP: A structure where the paramours or metamours interact with each other less frequently than with KTP, but are still relatively well-acquainted. The metaphor used is that people in a GTP relationship would “all meet up during special occasions (garden party, neighborhood grill party, birthday party, etc), but wouldn’t necessarily go out of their way to interact with one another aside from that.” There might be a few close relationships, but not enough to constitute a KTP.
Parallel Polyamory: A structure where the paramours do not discuss the relationships of metamours with each other, but still know of the metamours existence and baseline information (ie; age, name, pronouns, etc.) They may also be close with their partner’s metamours, but do not discuss the relationships. For example, Miram is dating Tomas, Olivia, and Lora - Tomas is friends with Olivia and Lora, however he prefers not to hear about Olivia & Lora’s romantic or sexual involvements with Miram.
Egalitarian Polyamory: A structure where all paramours and metamours have equal control over relationship decisions (finances, scheduling, etc) and equal time/effort spent together.
Hierarchical Polyamory: A structure where different paramours/metamours have different “ranks” in the relationship, and are assigned different levels of responsibility and effort. This is sorted into three tiers - primary, secondary, and tertiary. People can have one or multiple partners in each category - it just depends on the individual (ie; a person who has five primary partners, one secondary partner, and two tertiary partners.)
Primary Partner describes a partner with the highest priority. They are usually nesting partners and often have the most control of finances and decision making for the polycule.
Secondary Partner describes a partner with a lower degree of involvement than a primary partner. How low that degree is depends on whether there are also tertiary partners involved.
Tertiary Partner describes a partner with a lower degree of involvement than a secondary partner.
A Competitive Relationship is a hierarchical relationship where the ranks (primary, secondary, or tertiary) are determined based on a frequent (ie; monthly) competition. This competition is done in good fun (ie; a building competition in Minecraft, a board game, a water gun fight, etc), and there are some pre-established rules for the winners (ie; “don’t overspend our shared money.”)
Solo Polyamory/Free Relations: A polyamorous relationship where a person has intimate relationships with others, while prioritizing oneself. It may be described as “making oneself the primary partner, and all other partners are secondary or tertiary.” Solo polyamorists don’t desire a relationship-centric life; they may not wish to share homes or finances with their partners. They still tend to their partners’ emotional needs, and do not neglect them; they just live a self-focused life (which all partners are aware of before joining the relationship.) Some solo polyamorists refer to themselves as Singleish.
Equiamory/Pluriamory/Synamory/Polyfidelity/Polyexclusivity/Polyfaithful: A structure where every member of the relationship is equal (egalitarian) and are all dating each other. There are no metamours, only paramours. An equiamorous relationship might be called a Pluriad/Group Relationship.
Paxamory: A structure where a person desires for only a few partners, and for their partners to either only date each other and/or only have a select few metamours. They wish for their polycule to be small, and to close the relationship once everyone has selected their few partners. It could be egalitarian or hierarchical.
Rotationship: A polyamorous relationship where four (or more) people regularly swap out the housing locations of partners on a scheduled or semi-scheduled basis. The swap can be even or odd, depending on the number of partners. It can be done for partners who live close by, or partners who are long distance. If the partners live close by, they can still meet up for dates or hangouts; it is simply their housing that changes.
Reproamory: A polyamorous relationship where a person starts a polycule or adds a new partner to their polycule, for the purpose of reproduction. This could be due to the previously established partners having incompatible sexes for reproduction, due to infertility issues with previously established partners, etc.
Line Relationship: A polyamorous setup, where new younger partners are added into the relationship whenever the older partners age. The oldest partners may not date the youngest partners, depending on how large the age gap is (however, the line ONLY includes people who are 18+.) Line relationships typically start as a way to continue the polycule through generations.
For example, there are three partners - one is 53, one is 45, and one is 38. The 38 year old may begin dating a 30-year-old, the 30-year-old may start dating a 25-year-old, and the 25-year-old may start dating a 21-year-old. The oldest members of the group may refuse to date anyone younger than the 30-year-old, but still respect the youngest members as their metamours.
Open Relationship: A setup where people in a committed relationship (typically a couple, however there could be more than two members) decide to allow one another to date or engage intimately with people outside of their relationship. This could be done for exploratory purposes, for reproductive purposes, due to one partner having a lower libido or having different limitations in attraction, and/or due to one partner being monogamous while the other is not.
Geographical Non-Monogamy describes people who temporarily open their relationship (specifically open it to undedicated relations, such as hookups) when they are physically apart from their partners (ie; on vacation, on a work trip, etc) - once they are physically reunited, the relationship is closed again. This may be considered a form of mutoamory.
Swinging describes people who have a purely sexual open relationship, to engage in sexual social activities, sex work, or reproductive activities. Some examples of this include the following:
- A couple who goes to sex clubs and hooks up with people there.
- A quad who occasionally invites a random fifth person to hookup with them for a one night stand.
- A triad where one or multiple of the partners are sex workers, who regularly have sex with people outside of the relationship.
- Two (or more) couples who swap partners to have sex with. This may turn into a sexual rotationship, if it is done on a scheduled basis.
- A couple who invites a third person to have sex with for the purpose of reproduction, or two (or more) couples who swap partners for the purpose of reproduction. This differs from reproamory because they do not form a polycule together afterwards.
